Cormac Hayes M.D. F.A.C.S

━━ ✦ CLOSED STARTER                FT. cormac hayes @cormachayesmd​

Chaos was the only way to describe exactly how April Kepner was feeling. It seemed that there was some sort of sickness bug spreading its way through the third year residents, which meant she was having to leave some attendings without residents. Her meticulous planning of residents and their rotations didn’t exactly account for half of one of the cohorts being out of action for however long it might be. “Dr Hayes?” She called out as she walked through the halls, catching sight of yet another higher-up that she needed to let down. “You’re down a resident today, sickness bug. I’m trying my hardest to move things around to get it fixed but it might have to do for today. I’m sorry.”

“Dr. Kepner,” Cormac greeted April as she managed to catch up to him, raising an eyebrow when she mentioned being short a resident. “Got a full day of sick kids needing surgeries today, Kepner. Better make sure that the resident I’ve got is Karev because he knows how I work and I know I can trust him in peds.” he said, nodding because he would be fine as long as he could depend on Alex to know what he was doing.  

“No. Just an observation,” She tried to present it in a nonchalant manner, shrugging as though it was not big deal, when really her gut was twisting in an almost nervous excitement. Kathleen couldn’t be sure exactly what it meant, she wasn’t a mind reader no matter what her patients regularly accused her off, but she had a good idea of what it might mean. And if it did mean such a thing then she would at least be safe in knowing that when she was ready to tell Cormac how she felt then at least she wouldn’t have to worry about him rejecting her. She chewed on her own food, shaking her head and pointing her fork in his general direction before she swallowed and explained, “Oh no, no, no. Believe me I am a bitch. I’ve spent the better part of my life cultivating that image and I am not having it brought down all because I’m nice to you.” Because he was right, she’d let her usual guard drop quickly when it came to him and given him chances that she wouldn’t give to anybody else. And he hadn’t let her down yet. The smile that thought brought to her lips somewhat weakened the teasing threats that followed, “I mean it. If I start getting asked to pick people up from the airport and babysit dogs I am blaming you. And then I will be mean to you.” She wouldn’t be, she wasn’t sure she was capable of that, and if she was she was almost certain that all it would take was one flash of his smile to make her forget all about it. “No,” Yes, but not for the ways he was surely thinking, “No. I just like that you believe I’m worth it. The hassle. I know that there are some people who would disagree.” Hence the divorce, but somehow when she was sitting at lunch with him she wasn’t too worried about what her (soon-to-be ex) husband might think of her. She tilted her head as she listened to him talk about Abigail, her smile softer despite her reservations. It was clear that he’d loved his wife, as though she hadn’t known that already, and while it might have worried her to potentially enter anything deeper with him because of that love, Kathleen couldn’t help but wonder if anybody would ever talk about her like that one day. Her eyes widened slightly at his slip, her ever astute ears catching it but hoping he’d missed her own silent reaction before she’d had time to catch herself. “Am I different?” She asked, realising the perhaps not accidental implication quickly and adding, “Not that I’m saying it would be me. But what we have. Is it different?” She chuckled at his teasing, her fork now digging into her own plate when she retorted, “Well you do have excellent taste if I do say so myself…but mine’s still better. Pity I never really got the hang of the sharing thing, otherwise you could see for yourself.”

Nothing. She’s the best little sister that anyone could ever ask for. If I could change anything it would be the shit hand she got dealt with our father. I know how much it affected her and she didn’t deserve that. I’ll always wish I could have spared her from that kind of heartbreak. @seattlites

“You’re relieved,” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. Kathleen’s voice was calm and steady despite the confusion that was racing around in her head as she tried to work out what that meant. She wanted to just take it at face value, that Cormac was simply glad that she wasn’t fooling around with anybody else when he’d admitted that he wasn’t either, but she couldn’t help but wonder if there was more. Or maybe hope was a more accurate word. “Who said there isn’t? I just said I hadn’t found anybody else worth my time,” She pointed out before taking a sip of her lemonade, eyebrows teasingly raised before she set her glass back down and continued, “There’s not. Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve sort of built up a reputation of not being the nicest. Attacks well as a deterrent.” She couldn’t help but think that even if there was a hoard of desirable suitors that she’d still be uninterested in anybody that wasn’t the man sitting in front of her. However, there wasn’t exactly a casual way to tell him that. “It has been nice getting to know you,” She admitted, a fondness twinkling in her eyes as she thought of all the time they’d spent together in recent weeks. Maybe it was because she’d been stuck in a rut much longer than she would have cared to acknowledge, but she was enjoying their non-dating. She was having more fun that she could remember having in a long time. She inhaled, hoping that it wasn’t sharp enough to be noticeable, but conflicted about his words. She was hopeful as she remembered how he handed all of her more high maintenance moments, with ice cream and soft kisses and making sure that she knew she was being heard. However, part of her was scared. They had a good thing, a great thing, and feelings - whether hers were returned or not - could ruin that. She’d become so used to him in such a short time that she wasn’t sure what she’d do if she was suddenly cut off from him, friendship and otherwise. “I don’t think anybody could replace her - not for you and certainly not from them,” She hoped it would offer him some comfort to know that she understood that, even if it was a hard truth to accept. Even if it never came down to her being in the position where she would have to accept it. “But I remember you saying that the boys at least understood, and I think that’s half the battle. They know that you’re not forgetting her by moving on and maybe that will help you feel like you’re not betraying her.” She shouldn’t have been doing this, speaking like this when she was so personally involved, but she wanted Cormac to be happy - he deserved that - whether she was just a bump in the road to that happiness or part of the destination. She picked up a forkful of her food, chewing it as she thought about the fact that she was already overthinking things. And if he was right, if that meant that she was ready, that had certain implications to it. “I’m always worried and overthinking,” She said with a shrug of her shoulders, as though it was no big deal that she had technically just admitted to what was going on inside her head, and what it potentially meant. Her fork reached over to his plate, still keeping her eyes on his as she not so sneakily stole some of his food before popping it into her mouth with a cheeky smirk.

Nodding at her statement, Cormac saw no point in denying the fact that he’d been relieved she wasn’t interested in anyone else, and it seemed innocent enough of a statement to make, so he just chuckled, “Is that a bad thing?” he asked, wondering if she was really so averse to him being relieved that she wasn’t seeing anyone else. He was amused by the fact that she’d attempted to backtrack, and then backtrack again, but he didn’t need her to explain herself because he understood completely, and the fact that she seemed to be getting more flustered around him as they lingered on the subject made him really wonder if Kathleen was maybe not as far from wanting to be in a relationship or taking a step in that direction, as he’d thought. “That’s because people don’t really get to know you,” he said, glad that he’d somehow broken through her walls on the first day that they’d met. At her sharp breath, he smiled softly. “Sorry, was that a lot to put on you all at once?” he asked, before she brought up Abigail again. “No.. I don’t think that Abigail could ever be replaced either, we loved each other very much… and god, did she love the boys… but it took me a while to realize that I don’t need to find the same thing or want it - Sometimes completely different is exactly what you need. Abigail and I met when I was just starting my residency, and that feels like a lifetime ago. I don’t want another Abigail, because I’ve shared a life with my Abigail, and that was more than what most people can say they get with their partners.— I’m rambling,” he said, flushing slightly as he looked down at his plate, “My point is, I’m not going around searching for another Abigail. And what I have with y— hopefully the next person I find love with, is entirely it’s own thing. There doesn’t have to be talk of replacing her or living up to her.” He knew that as rounded as his explanation was, Kathleen would understand, but he was glad for the distraction that her fork looming over his plate gave them, “Oh very sneaky,” he retorted, unable to keep his smile at bay when she grinned at him, “What I ordered tastes better than yours, doesn’t it? You can admit it.. go on..” he teased, taking a bite from his plate to really drive his point in.

Kathleen should have disagreed, argued for the free pass that would keep their relationship solidified as simply friends with benefits. Admitting that she didn’t like the thought of him sleeping with other women, or in fact herself seeing anybody other than Cormac, drove them straight into muddy territory that they’d been dancing on the edge of somehow managing to keep from falling in. But each passing day it seemed as though their balance was weakening. She couldn’t bring herself to fight back, but she couldn’t verbally disagree either, and therefore she simply choose to keep her mouth shut about the potential jealousy it could cause. Her brow furrowed, as though she was confused at where he had gotten the idea that she was interested in anybody else from. Although if she were to look back in hindsight, it hadn’t been the biggest jump to that conclusion. “Haven’t I already told you that I’m around for as long as you want me to be? Believe me, I have not met one other person in this city worth my time.” It wasn’t her that she was concerned about, it was Cormac. She didn’t want him missing out on that second great love out of some sense of loyalty to her. It might hurt her if, when, it happened but it was a risk that she was willing to take if it meant having him for even just a short time. “Doesn’t sound like such a bad first date,” She pointed out, taking a sip of her own lemonade and humming, “Hey, got any more hot siblings? Because I wouldn’t be opposed to having them steal my other sisters away from their husbands. I don’t know if you’ve met the cowboy, but even just the one to get him out of the family.” She was joking, it was bad enough that two of their siblings were…whatever it was that Olivia and Nancy were doing. “I’m bias, obviously, but I genuinely believe that therapy is the best thing you could have done for them. Anger is common - it’s literally a whole stage of grief - and I got stuck there for a really long time. Sometimes I am still there. So it’s good to hear that he’s working through it healthily.” She wondered if it was normal to care this much about kids that she barely knew, she’d only made polite conversation over breakfast in the mornings that she’d stayed over and yet she was invested in knowing how they were. “Moms always know best. See, big shoes. But for what it’s worth she can’t get all the credit. You were the one who followed through. You didn’t have to respect her wishes but you did.” She had thought that it might be awkward, talking to him about Abigail now that they were seeing each other - and she was still intimidated by the legacy the woman had clearly left - but strangely she felt good being able to be the person he talked to. “You’re kidding right? I am the biggest handful! Whatever poor guy gets stuck with me is going to run for the hills the minute he realises what he’s in for,” She laughed, setting her menu to the side after they’d ordered. Her laughter died slightly when she looked up, their eye meeting as she caught her lower and bit down gently. She didn’t know how to tell him that she already was, falling in love, or at least felt like she was. “How did you know when you were ready?” She remembered the first real conversation they’d had, not the one in the elevator, and how he’d talked about his reluctance to accept that he might be ready, “I think I’m afraid that I’ll be ready but then I’ll overthink it.” Was it too soon? Was he the right one? Did he love her back? Was he really a good guy?…Was she already thinking like this when it came to Cormac? Well she already knew the answer to the last one. Yes.

He doesn’t mean to show how relieved he is to hear that she hadn’t met anyone else that she was interested in, but he’s sure that Kathleen being Kathleen would catch the scent of his reaction, so he just played into it and let out a breath of air that he hadn’t known he’d been holding in since asking that question, smiling softly at Kathleen as he nodded at her reply, “Well how you don’t have a line of idiots trying to ask you out on a date, I’ll never understand, but I’m glad that somehow I was able to surpass the hoards of men out there searching for a woman like you, to actually get to spend time with you — not dating, as you’ve said and made clear, but I do think I’ve been spending more time with you than others (not counting your kids) get to have… so I’m glad for that.” He hadn’t been looking for romance - just the opposite, he’d been trying to avoid it because that was the easiest thing to do when you were a single dad trying to raise two teenage boys, but something about Kathleen had held his interest and kept it to the very second that they were sitting together on a corner table in a restaurant on a ‘not date’. “All I’m saying is that the right guy will want to take you on no matter how much of a handful you are,” he said, thinking about how he would gladly take the sleepless nights talking to Kathleen with ice cream in hand, than an easy relationship with someone who did everything that was expected of them and just went through the motions of the day without telling the jokes that Kathleen did, or talking as passionately as Kathleen did, or looking at him the way that Kathleen did. Everything had changed so quickly that he barely had the chance to process his feelings for Kathleen, but he knew that if he was going to hours on end with anyone, he would want to spend them with her. He shook his head, “it’s… something that changes every day, but I think I knew I was ready when I realized that feeling something for someone else didn’t mean forgetting about Abigail or replacing her..” he said honestly, conveniently leaving out the fact that she had a lot to do with him realizing that he was ready to fall in love and risk it all again. “I don’t think you know you’re ready until you meet someone who makes you worry about overthinking it,” he offered, wondering if that applied to Kathleen in that moment, as he looked down at his plate and then looked back at her.

“You have made good decisions for the boys, too you know, You brought the boys to therapy, which is a huge step. It allows them to see that men can have emotions too.” She said. While she obviously never met Abigail, she could tell that the both of them did an amazing job raising the boys and certaingly made the right decisions. “It’s fine, you can tell me anything.” She assured him. Violet nodded. ‘But I think it would be a great way for you to bond with others who are widows. You share the same experience.” She explained, hoping he would go for it. “Well, how is the situation complicated, and is there any way you can’t make it complicated?”

Cormac smiled at the way that Violet chose to word that, nodding his head as he fought his emotions in the moment and sighed, “that’s exactly what she said -- about the boys, and how they needed to see that I could be a mess about her being gone.” he was still very much in the process of working on becoming the parent that his kids needed him to be, but the encouragement of people around him was always a welcome moment of ease that he wasn’t doing too badly. “I’ll consider it,” he said, giving in while not completely agreeing to go or participate in the widow support groups. “She’s not exactly..single. I mean, she is, for all intents and purposes she’s in the middle of getting a divorce, but it’s still new and she’s mentioned keeping things casual several times.” he said, smiling a little at the thought of Kathleen despite the things that he was saying to Violet about how complicated his feelings for her made things. 

Now Kathleen could only hope that her mother would be wise enough to replace the wedding photos from now failed marriages…not that she thought Cormac would be meeting her mother, let alone making his way to New York to visit her childhood home. She convinced herself that her mind had wandered there for her own selfish reasons. If Carolyn had the good sense to take John and Nancy’s down it meant that next time she went to visit her mother she wouldn’t be presented with her own photos. “Oh come on, free passes are every guys dream. You get to sleep with me and I don’t care if you’re sleeping with other people,” Although she had proven that wasn’t true, but admitting that she’d been jealous that day - really jealous - would only raise questions about what they were, “I know you say you only want me, but I just don’t want you to feel guilty if you find yourself attracted to somebody else. I mean, her pancakes won’t be as good but you’ll live.” She let out a breath of laughter, the idea of him and Nancy together suddenly humorous now that she knew it wasn’t a reality. “I tried to set you two up once - before the whole knowing that you knew each other and us obviously. Good thing you turned it down, huh?” She was remembering the night of the blackout, when everything had changed for her. Began to change for them. It almost seemed like another lifetime. “Uh huh, you just tell yourself that and be thankful that I’m not the head of pediatric surgery right now,” She teased, the smirk that was on her lips fading slightly as the cheeks that he had just kissed began to flush. She wasn’t a humble person, and she knew that she was good at her job, but hearing somebody else say it - and say it like that, with passion - it was nice. “My interest started for less than noble reasons, but I do love it. I still like the whole you-have-to-listen-to-me-because-I-know-better side of things, but I also really like helping people like your boys.” Especially kids like his sons. She smiled at him, tilting her head to the side, her hand squeezing his gently. “For what it’s worth you know that I think you’re pretty good at your job too. Your actual job and how you’re doing with the kids. I know that there’s no handbook but if I look from a purely professional view a lot of other dads might not have encouraged them to get in touch with their emotions…and that’s how they end up as thirty-something year old psychiatrists who like to tell people what to do.” The last sentiment was partially a joke, ironically if she’d been more in touch with her own feelings she might not be the person that she was, but the rest was sincere. She gasped in faux outrage, her foot kicking out to hit again his shin gently in order to get around his smartly placed menu. She was clearly predictable. She bit her lip and nodded at his words, finding herself hoping that he was right. “Well then I hope that someday I can be open to it.” Fully open. And against her better judgement, she hoped that someday would be soon. She found herself smiling at his answer, clearly that was the one she hadn’t known she’d wanted to hear, and for a moment she couldn’t say anything - she wasn’t even sure she’d taken a breath. Her eyes were still locked onto his. And then she remembered just one of the reasons she was so reluctant to admit to feelings that were clearly growing. “I don’t envy whoever your second love is. I get the sense that she she has some pretty big shoes to fill.” She’d snooped a little - it was in her nature - and the photos that scattered Cormac’s home were enough to let her know that his love story with Abigail had been a great one. With the addition of Olivia’s reminders. “Besides, she’ll have to put up with you and from personal experience that really is such a chore,” She was clearly joking, determined to shift away from her own unusually insecure thoughts, as she gestured to the nice restaurant he’d taken her to on their ‘not date’. Whoever it was that Cormac ended up loving again, Kathleen would argue she’d be a lucky woman.

“Free passes sound like they could potentially cause drama that I am not prepared or willing to let into my life,” Cormac said, raising an eyebrow at Kathleen as he remembered her reaction to him talking to the nurse that set off the chain of events that led them to an on-call room within the same hour. Obviously, he wasn’t complaining, but he couldn’t help but recall that specific incident, and he wondered if she was saying all these things because she had met someone else. “I highly doubt that anything, pancakes or anything else will be as good if it’s not you,” he started, shaking his head because it wasn’t worth it to even entertain the thought anymore - though he could hear Olivia in his head telling him not to get too attached to Kathleen - “--but you know that if you’ve found yourself attracted to someone else, that’s okay too right? it’s not like you’re giving me a free pass that doesn’t apply to you too,” he said, out of obligation more than anything else because he hated the idea of Kathleen being attracted to someone else. “Thank goodness. Though knowing Nance and I we would have probably had a good laugh and had a lot of alcohol.” he said, nodding. When the subject shifted to her work and Liam and Austin, Cormac agreed wholeheartedly with everything she had to say on the matter, “I never really thought about therapy in the way I do now, after seeing what it’s done for Austin, and especially Liam... he has a temper, got it from his mother but his time talking to someone has really helped him deal with her being gone.” he said, “As much as I’d like to take credit for that, it was really Abigail - she told me that Liam would need some help, and I figured that therapy would be a good neutral place to start, so we went with it and we’ve been doing it ever since.” he smiled softly, because around Kathleen, memories of Abigail didn’t seem quite as painful, more like he was sharing things about his life with Kathleen, that he knew he could trust her with. “She has really big shoes to fill, but I think she’ll be up for the challenge. I hope so, at least.” he said, keeping it vague to not blatantly tell Kathleen that he was talking and thinking about her that whole time. “Oh absolutely - poor thing doesn’t know what she’s going to have to deal with,” he said, going along with her teasing as they finished ordering and put their menus down. “For what it’s worth, I think that the next guy who you fall in love with, is a lucky man. Women as strong, passionate, and loving as you don’t come along very often.” How he had met two women who had completely blown him away, he would never know, but he did know that he had no intention of letting this chance at love slip by him like he’d lost the other. 

arizona shook her head, “cormac.” but then she stopped, eyebrows furrowing as the other continued to speak. she had heard about his late wife, but had never thought about asking questions about her. with arizona being so closed off about the topic, she mostly assumed that everyone else would be the same. even with no knowledge of the woman, arizona wished that she had known her. to see where cormacs sons came from and what the love of cormacs life was like, that would have been more than interested. “you dont have to say that,” were the next words to come out of her  mouth. it was nice, cormac was nice. but she didn’t need sympathy, “it was a long time ago. but thank you.” 

“I know that I don’t have to say it, but I’ve lost someone too, and I have a little sister so i know a thing or two about how much older brothers love their little sisters. I’d do anything for Liv, and if your brother was the kind of person that I’m sure he was, he’d want someone to look out for you. At least, that’s what I would want for Liv if anything happened to me,” Cormac didn’t know Arizona’s brother, but he knew Arizona and he didn’t want to overstep, but he was just trying to show her that he was someone she could count on to be there for her. “All I’m saying is that I’m here, if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to... because I know that the length of time doesn’t really factor in when you’ve lost someone you loved. ” he said, giving her a smile before he straightened up and continued walking with her. 

“For what it’s worth I’m really glad you like the rain,” Kathleen licked her lips, shrugging, “Iif it got you to Seattle.” Otherwise they’d have never met…and maybe she liked that Cormac liked her own personal form of thunder storms. She kinked an eyebrow, her finger pointed as she argued jokingly, “And have you forgotten that said sister has been making out with your sister? Funny enough I think that kills the chances of us passing round John and Nancy’s wedding photos at the next family dinner.” With any luck her brother-in-law will have once again saved her day and burnt all the photos in some angry jealousy fuelled fit and then the other man would never be able to witness the monstrosity her sister had put her in. She wanted to look away, escape his gaze as he reassured her worries, but she couldn’t bring herself to. “I believe you,” She said with a firmed nod than before, letting out a breath that she hadn’t realised she’d been holding, “I mean, I still think it’s a little stupid that you aren’t taking advantage of every guy’s dream free pass but I can’t say I’m too mad about it. And the Nancy thing, I believe that too. Besides, if you got with each other’s siblings and each other…well you have more issues than your Oedipus complex.” She was laughing by the end of her sentence despite the genuine nature of his promise, because she really did believe him and that made it much easier to laugh than she thought it would be. “Nah, if I were a surgeon I’d choose something that was actually cool,” She teased, knocking her head against his gently as he kissed her cheek. “I could have been, you know. A surgeon,” She didn’t feel as though she had to explain that, it wasn’t as though Cormac had ever given her any reason to think he doubted her ability as a doctor, but she said it anyway, “I think there were a couple of people who thought that I wouldn’t be able to handle it, but between Derek and Mark and Addison, there were already enough in the family. I didn’t want to spend my entire career being Derek Shepherd’s mediocre little sister. Which is good, considering the other two are basically incapable of forging their own paths.” She’d have been lost in an even bigger sea of Shepherds. Not to mention her general distaste at the thought of surgery, but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t as capable as a doctor as her siblings. “Besides, I like my job,” She ended with a shrug. “It wasn’t even that dirty,” She protested, grinning as she whispered the words before the waiter came over to take their orders. She’d definitely sent him dirtier since. Maybe that’s why her smile seemed to widen every time their eyes caught one another…or maybe that was just his general effect on her. She took a breath at his question, but she didn’t loosen her end of their hold on each other’s hands. “I hope so,” She answered, although she couldn’t but think that her heart was already there. If only she could stop her brain from overthinking it. “It’s just odd. I spent my entire adult life thinking I was going to be with one person forever - and I don’t want that anymore, I don’t want him - but it’s still scary to think about letting somebody get that close again,” She knew he understood that more than anybody. But she was being honest when she said that she hoped she would be able to one day. “What about you?” She used her free hand to push a strand of hair behind her ear, not realising how nervous she would be for his answer before she’d asked, “The circumstances are different, obviously, but if anything I think they’re more complicated. From what I’ve heard Abigail was pretty amazing, and you clearly loved her, do you really think you’re ever going to love somebody like that again? Do people get two great loves, really?”

“You make a very good point. i guess I’m never going to find out.. shame.” he said, chuckling. He was only teasing Kathleen, because he was pretty sure he’d find her attractive even if she was scowling in the pictures, but it was cute that she was building quite the case agains him ever seeing said photos. “I’m sorry— what exactly is the free pass that we’re talking about? I can’t exactly help that I only like one person here in Seattle, can I?.. and yes that does sound like a lot of therapy hours logged in,” he said, shaking his head. He’d been to therapy a couple of times but he barely said anything, and then decided that therapy was more for the boys than for him, but if anything had happened with him and Nancy at this point, after they’d both been with each others’ sisters, he would quite happily take the day off to have his head shrunk. “Oh I don’t doubt that you would be an excellent surgeon - the best, at whatever field you chose, except if you chose pediatric surgery because then you could be second best,” he said smirking at her and leaning in for a short kiss on her cheek. “I like how passionate you are about what you do - it’s clear as day you know what you’re doing, and I think you help a lot of people doing exactly what it is that you do. I know that my boys wouldn’t have been half as adjusted as they are now if they hadn’t gone into therapy after Abigail, so I have the utmost respect for your profession and the work that you do for people and families. Peering over his menu, he leaned in and nodded, “It kind of was… it had mentions of lingerie and everything.” he said, chuckling and hiding back as he shielded himself with the menu knowing that she would try to swat at him. After they ordered and the menus were put away, the conversation led back to relationships and he sat there nodding as she explained how she felt about hoping to love someone again one day, and despite his better judgement, that gave him hope that maybe that person could be him. “I think that if you’re open to it, the chance to be in love again finds you,” he said, keeping vague so that he didn’t slip into more details about how he felt because he didn’t want to terrify her with things she didn’t want to hear. When she mentioned two great loves he just smiled and looked down on his plate for a minute before looking back up at her, “I’m starting to believe they do.”

nancy shook her head, she knew that nothing good would come of her telling olivia. ‘i don’t want to lose her, cormac. i can’t bare the thought of this ruining the friendship that i have with her. she could be the love of my life, but she will always be my friend before anything and i can’t ruin that friendship.’ she tapped her fingers on the side of the glass and took a couple of steadying deep breaths. her breaths caught a little as she heard cormac say that he loved kathleen, it was very clear to see but to actually hear him say it was a whole other story. ‘you know i’m going to say the exact same thing to you now, right? you should tell her. don’t waste ten years holding it in because you don’t think she’s ready, it might be the best thing that you ever do, you could have a really good life together, cormac. i know that it’s complicated but do you really want to be sat here with me ten years down the line wondering why you didn’t tell her sooner? don’t you know better than most that life is too damn short.’ she rested her head on his shoulder and gave a small chuckle. ‘so i’m in love with your sister and you’re in love with mine…what’s that all about? maybe if all this goes pear shaped we should run away together, back to london.’

“I was scared of the same thing when I asked Abigail out on a date for the first time.” Cormac said, knowing that not many people knew that - he didn’t talk about it very often and it had been one of the things about his wife that he kept to himself, but this was going to affect his sister’s life, and so he felt like he had a good enough reason to share the story. “I knew that telling her I had feelings for her would probably ruin our friendship - the same reason you’re holding back from telling Liv now... but at some point Nance, you’ve got to wonder if you can ever be happy with just this. Can you be happy going back to being just friends with Olivia after the kiss? After you’ve realized how you feel about her?” he asked, because he couldn’t imagine going back when he told Abigail, and it was the best risk he’d ever taken. “Kathleen is an entirely different situation, Nance. She’s not ready to hear it -- she doesn’t want to hear it and she’s all but told me that straight. She wants a casual thing, she hasn’t finalized her divorce.. it’s all too much to unload on her at the same time and I don’t want to put more on her plate, because what if she doesn’t feel the same way?” he said, shaking his head and taking an equally big sip of his wine as he scoffed and started laughing, “Who would’ve thought, right?” he asked rolling his eyes and raising a glass to her, “I’ll drink to that - if everything goes to the shitter we run back to London and get absolutely wasted at a good pub.” 

“You realise that the permanent storm cloud that circles above my head usually brings the atmosphere down,” Kathleen teased, although when she was around Cormac that storm cloud noticeably lessened. Around him she almost appeared happy…maybe it was because she was. And she definitely wouldn’t be opposed to a visit at the wellness centre, her office did have a lot more privacy than the hospital hallways they usually met in. “Oh you are never seeing those photos! If I let you see those I might as well let you see my middle school yearbooks! Or the prom photos! I swear three sisters and not one of them told me not to do my makeup like that!” She wasn’t sure if it was because they hated her or they were just too afraid to say. “I know,” She said quietly, managing a weak nod, “I just-…Max wasn’t exactly meant to either. And I know, I know, that you’re not him and that you and Nancy are just close, but can you blame me for getting a little nervous about it. She’s single, you’re single, you have a history - even if it’s not romantic - and she basically swore that she’d find a way to stop me seeing you. Even without the whole sister-husband drama I’d be a little worried.” Rationally she knew that he wouldn’t, at least not in a way that deliberately hurt her and certainly not as much as her soon-to-be ex had, but maybe thoughts like that were part of what stopped her saying what she already knew. Stopped her even thinking about it too hard because she would only scare herself. Her smirk was a combination of many things: his promise that he didn’t want her going anywhere, the feeling of his arm wrapped around her and the way his lips kissed her cheek to reaffirm what he’d said. “Well good, because I don’t think I want to be anywhere else,” With anybody else might have been more accurate, but she was sure he knew what she was trying to say. She shook her head, pulling away and settling into her seat as she refused, “No. No. I’m a big girl, I can handle your sister. Besides I have way more experience with annoying sisters than you do. In fact, I’ve actually been the annoying sister so I can guarantee that you talking to her will only make things worse for me.” It’s what always ended up happening when Daniel asked her to leave Lizzie alone. “You know if you keep complimenting me my ego’s going to be so big I might finally be able to retrain as a surgeon,” She joked, suspecting that if she argued that her sticking her foot in the elevator door had actually been selfish Cormac would only have another counterargument prepared. Not that she minded. “I’m really glad that I stuck my foot in that elevator,” She admitted, her eyes glancing up from the menu she’d picked up to read, “…And I’m really glad I sent you that text.” She hadn’t been at the time, panicked that somebody would find out and assume the worst, but if she hadn’t, who knew what type of relationship they’d have at that moment? She was certain that it wouldn’t be as it was, and she liked how it was. Perhaps even where it seemed to be going. His feelings weren’t the only ones getting stronger.

“And you realize that I wouldn’t have moved to Seattle if I didn’t like the rain at least a little bit, right? Plus, I moved here from London... I happen to like your storm clouds.” Cormac didn’t even really see Kathleen’s attitude as stormy, it was more like refreshing honesty in a sea of people saying things just to be polite or for the benefit of peers. He wouldn’t try to change her, no matter how many times she suggested that he wouldn’t be alone in wanting to. Even more than that, he barely ever saw Kathleen in a bad mood when there was no reason for her to be in one, so he didn’t see a reason why she should be anything other than the person she was. “You forget that your sister, who’s wedding these photos were taken in, is one of my very best friends right? I can get the photos if I want to.” he insisted, smirking at Kathleen as he shook his head. They both knew that he wouldn’t seek the photos out if she didn’t want him to see them, but he was also convinced that the photos of her were beautiful and she was exaggerating about how bad she looked in them. Smoothing his thumbs over the backs of her hands, he kept a tight hold over them and made Kathleen look him straight in the eye, “The only woman I want - Shepherd or otherwise - is you. You have nothing to worry about. Nancy and I have always just been friends, if there was even a hint of anything more I would have told you.” he said definitively, “You have every right to be nervous about it, but I’m swearing to you right now that even if granted the opportunity, neither of us would take it” he said, speaking for himself clearly but also for Nancy. “No talking to her about backing off then - got it.” he said, nodding his head as he laughed a little amused at the developing dynamic between Kathleen and Liv, despite how serious the implications of them not getting along were. “And we’re back to you becoming a surgeon - while I think you would look absolutely amazing in scrubs and a lab coat, I’m going to suggest you look for a specialty in something other than kids, because like I said before -- you have the power to completely distract me with a look.” Cormac admitted, smirking and pulling her to him so he could place a kiss on her cheek. “It was a sext and I’m glad you sent it too,” he said, glad that through it all - the cheating husbands, the complicated siblings and the demanding jobs, they had somehow found each other and that was all that mattered. Cormac ordered two glasses of lemonade, and waited for Kathleen to pick her lunch before he proceeded to order his own meal, sneaking glances at Kathleen any chance he got, smiling whenever she caught him. “I don’t regret anything,” he said, placing the menu down on a free chair and linking his hand with hers on their “not date”. “Do you think that you would ever -- that there will come a time when you’re ready to put the past behind you? I know that your marriage and divorce are complicated but... do you ever think you’d want that again? A relationship? Love?” 

nancy sighed and nodded, she knew that she could tell cormac anything and everything and didn’t really know why she hadn’t told him about felix at the time. as they spoke about olivia she felt her cheeks get a little flushed and she hid herself behind the glass of wine in her hand. ‘i know she’s been through so much, i don’t want to mess her up cormac, i sort of wish i could take it back and push my feelings back, but i can’t. i don’t think i can tell her, how do you tell one of your best friends that despite being married and straight that you’ve been in love with them for ten years?’ she sighed as she took another long sip of wine. ‘maybe not to you, but you know she is really out to make olivia’s life miserable and when she found out that i had kissed liv, she was practically ecstatic because it was something that she could hold against her. i don’t understand how you can put up with someone like that, someone so intent on making your flesh and blood miserable, but hey, it’s none of my business. if you’re happy then i’ll be happy for you, so don’t take that wine away from me.’ she let out a slightly shaky breath as cormac spoke again. ‘i love your sister, do you love mine? because as much as i hate her right now, you know that if you hurt her i will kick you ass and you know full well that i can fight dirty…’

“You know I can see you through that wine glass, right?” he asked, smirking at Nancy as he sipped on his own glass of wine. He shook his head, as much as he wished that he could deny knowledge of everything and hide in his room to go to bed before his surgeries tomorrow, he cared way too much about Nancy and Olivia to do that. “You’ve got to give her a little more credit than that, Nance. She’s had a rough go about it, but you couldn’t mess her up.” he sighed and turned on the couch, facing Nancy completely, “I don’t think this kind of thing happens very often.. but I do know that if you’ve been in love with my sister for ten years, you’ve wasted enough time because that’s always how time goes - it takes too quickly for us to dig our heels in the sand. If you love her, you need to tell her and make sure she hears it,” he said, thinking of Abigail again and smiling sadly at Nancy. “Olivia is a big girl, she can more than handle herself, trust me.” he said, chuckling a little as he thought of how Kathleen had described Olivia’s apparent campaign to get rid of her, pouring Nancy another glass of wine to show her that she was safe for now. It was the first time he’d considered love in a long time, because he’d thought that love was never going to be in the cards for him again, but the more he thought about love, the more Kathleen’s face flashed into his mind, and he couldn’t help but smile softly. “I do. She isn’t ready to hear that yet, but I’m patient and I can wait. I do love her,” he said, nodding his head as he looked straight into Kathleen’s eyes. “You might not understand it... because I don’t understand it either, but I love her. And you know I would never do anything to hurt her. ” 

“It has, You did the right choice by bringing them in. Many kids who lose a parent and don’t get therapy have unresolved feelings that they bury inside of themselves which as you know, can result in problems later in life.” She said. She had seen it many times before. “Well, that’s perfectly normal to feel.” She assured him. “You are not betraying her. It’s perfectly fine to move on, and you have every right to. Though, I do suggest that you don’t tell the boys until it’s official. You don’t want them to form an attachment to the person you’re with.” Violet suggested.  “You should join this group - it’s a widow’s group run by this therapist who wrote wrote a fantastic book on grief.” She got up from the chair to look through her binder and pulled out a flier. “They talk about seeing someone else after losing your spouse.” She handed him the flier and then sat back down. “Do you want a relationship with her?”

“Yeah, I wish I could take credit for that decision but like many of the good decisions that have been made for Liam and Austin, we can thank their mum for that.” he said, smiling softly at just how much Abigail had loved their boys - she could read their minds and before she died she told Cormac everything that she thought and wished for, for Liam and Austin. Cormac didn’t know what it was about being on the couch but he felt the emotions bubbling up to the back of his throat as he sat there and nodded. “I miss her every day... and I don’t know why on earth I’m telling you that, but I do... I miss her. I miss everything about her,” Cormac said, opening up to Violet about Abigail. “And I’m happy - happier than I’ve been in a long time, but in the back of my mind it’s like... I wish she was here. I feel guilty, for living when she was definitely the better of the two of us.” he said, clearing his throat before he got too emotional. “Not really the type to join support groups...” Cormac said, shrugging. He didn’t know if he could handle talking about Abigail’s loss with strangers, but he needed someone else to tell him that it was okay - that Abigail wouldn’t hate him for moving on. “She’d kill me if she knew I was saying this, because the situation is complicated and we haven’t said anything to the effect of making it official,  but yeah... I think I do.” 

Kathleen looked at him fondly, listening to him talk about his sons never failed to make her heart flutter in a different way than it usually did as far as Cormac was concerned. She might have imagined him being attractive while performing surgery, but she was quickly learning that it was the little things about him that made her so attracted to him. His love for his children, well that was a pretty big little thing. “Oh well I’m sorry for stealing your focus Dr Hayes, maybe I shouldn’t stop by the hospital if it’s so distracting for you,” Her offer wasn’t serious, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to stay away even if she wasn’t being called for consults on the psyche ward, but his grin should have been enough to let him know that. “I was smiling!” She argued, wrinkling her nose slightly as she amended, “Okay, it was pretty forced and there might be a few photos of me scowling in the background, but you’d be scowling too if your sister deliberately made you look like you were wearing a garbage bag on her wedding day. Do you know how many people have seen those photos over the years? A garbage bag might have looked better.” Despite herself she was laughing along with him as the engine shut off, something she’d never done over those photos before. “No what I’m saying is please don’t sleep with Nancy. You can take her side but I would just like one guy I sleep with not to want to fuck my sister,” And she couldn’t believe that was something she had to say out loud, not that she truly suspected Cormac had any intentions of involving himself with the oldest Shepherd sister, but apparently it was better safe that sorry. She pursed out her lips before she spoke again, her tone noticeably more flirty as she said softly, “Although I wouldn’t be opposed to doing a little convincing.” She let out her own sigh, knowing that she wasn’t going to win a battle about Olivia with the other woman’s brother - they were siblings, and she’d tried enough times to get Derek to see the light about Amelia to know that some siblings’ bond just couldn’t be broken. “And I get that Cormac, I get grief. I understand her being cold and not approving and maybe even a little bitchy, but I don’t plan on going anywhere until you tell me you want me to and she’s making it really hard for me.” She wasn’t sure that she’d meant to let him know that, just how deep she was finding herself in, but it was out in the open now. She cleared her throat. “All I’m saying is, she doesn’t have to like me - believe me I am used to people not liking me - but maybe she has to learn to live with the fact that I might be around for a while. If you want me to be that is. She can’t expect you to be alone forever and you shouldn’t make yourself unhappy just because she doesn’t want you to move on.” She was happier for the happier subject as they walked from their parking space, happily slipping her arm through the one he had offered. “Yes, I passionately attempted to steal an elevator from you and a sick child. I can tell how charming I must have been. You’re such a liar, you didn’t like me until that accidental dirty text got you all hot and bothered.” She was mainly teasing. Although part of her refused to believe that he’d had any kind of attraction to her before the sext she hadn’t meant to send, she couldn’t help but smile at the thought that he might be telling the truth. That smile only grew as she followed him into the restaurant, looking around the room. She wisely kept quiet about the fact that this was slowly begin to feel like a proper date, perhaps the first official one they had, as though she were afraid that saying something like that outside of her own mind would scare her right back to the hospital.

“You’re the best kind of distraction, and I think that the hospital would get too depressing without you surprising me and popping up randomly,” he said honestly. He didn’t want her to stop visiting him, but if it came down to it he’d make his way to the wellness center to see her. “I’m going to need photographic evidence of that, because right now I can’t really believe it.” he said, nodding at her even if they both knew that they wouldn’t be looking back at those photos for a while considering what had recently gone on with Nancy and her husband. He took her hand then, because he’d seen firsthand how upset Kathleen had been about her husband and her younger sister, so he made her look at him when he said; “There is no chance of that happening, alright? I wouldn’t do that to you.” he knew that they weren’t officially together but he didn’t care, he wasn’t going to sleep with Nancy anyway - their lines had been drawn since the start of their friendship, and friendship was all there was there. Besides, knowing what he knew about Nancy and Olivia, there’s no way he would do that to his sister either. “As far as I’m concerned, you’ve already done the convincing. Nothing romantic is going on with Nancy and I,” he assured her, bringing her hand up for another kiss. They got out of the car and Cormac wrapped an arm around Kathleen, an action that was slowly becoming second nature to him, “I don’t know if you’ve been really listening to everything I’ve been saying but... I want you to be around for as long as possible, and if you want me to I’ll talk to Liv about trying to tone it down-- I’m not saying I’m going to be successful, but I’ll try” he said, kissing her cheek and leaving her with the implications of that sentence as they were seated at a table by the windows. “You’re strong and confident, you’re determined and passionate about things you set your mind to - that’s what I got from you stubbornly sticking your foot in between the elevator doors.” he said, as they sat down at their table and the waiter handed them menus. “If you want proof you can hunt down my patient and ask him, because we had a lengthy discussion about how beautiful you are after you left, I’m standing by my statement - I probably shouldn’t have liked you until the sext, but I did and I’m afraid my feelings have only gotten stronger ever since.” 

‘well it’s not exactly something that i could’ve dropped into conversation, ‘hey cormac i found out john’s been having an affair and by the way i’ve just kissed felix?’ no i couldn’t. i was too ashamed.’ she leaned into cormac’s hug comfortably, she had to laugh thinking about if her sister walked in right now. she would no doubt get the wrong idea and assume that nancy and cormac were sleeping together because that’s the sort of person she was, but they were just friends, it was all they ever had been and all they ever would be. ‘i—i don’t know. i can see the kiss in my mind as clear as day constantly, it is always there. i cannot stop thinking about her. i want her cormac but my life is too messy for her to even consider getting involved with me. i’d never questioned my sexuality before i met her and now i don’t know. i don’t know what or who i am anymore. i just know that i want her, so badly.’ she gulped down the wine that he poured for her in a single go, she held her glass out for more and laughed a little to what he cheersed. ‘you are mean, but here’s to you and my bitch of a sister.’

Cormac raised pursed his lips, raising an eyebrow as he thought about that made up scenario, “Well... honestly you could have. If I could count the amount of times that you’ve started a completely random conversation out of thin air, I’d run out of fingers,” he said, still teasing her just because he wanted her to smile a little bit. “You know that I would never judge you,” he said, holding her by the shoulders at arms length to look at her as he said so. “Now I don’t blame you for feeling ashamed of kissing the likes of Felix, but I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t talk to me for fear of being judged, because that’s not going to happen.” He got back into position, holding her against his side to try and comfort her thankful for the uncomplicated nature of his and Nancy’s friendship. They didn’t have a romantic history, and they had never so much as kissed which was exactly why they worked so well as the kinds of friends that they were. The conversation shifts to Olivia, and despite what Cormac knows about how Olivia feels, he can’t say anything, which kills him because the truth is so clear that he would have liked nothing more than to force Nancy and Liv’s head to stare at it until it all made sense. “Look, I don’t know what version of Liv you’ve got in your head - but the woman has been dealing with complicated and messy situations her whole life... if that’s all you’re worried about then just be honest and tell her how you’ve been feeling about her.” he said, before raising an eyebrow at Nancy throwing back the shot so quickly. “She’s not a bitch, Nance. Don’t make me regret sharing this exceptional bottle of wine with you,” he said, rolling his eyes and leaning back to take a big gulp of wine himself, “So.... you like my sister.” 

“What if—” She doesn’t finish, leaving the question up in the air. She wants to believe him. All her life she has tried hard enough not to become her father and be the exact opposite of him. But part of her wonders, in this moment, if fate would play a prank on her or if his bad genes had passed over. No medical explanation could reason with her biggest fear, not when her best friend had put her in that exact path. Though, she doesn’t voice her fears, only closing her eyes as her tears silently roll down her cheeks. How she had felt… that was the one million dollar question that was haunting her thoughts ever since she left Nancy’s house. Why couldn’t she let it go, forget it, ignore it? Surely she had had friends kiss her before. Drunk kisses were common and she knew it but this was different. “I-I don’t know. ——— I think—” She takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself which seemed harder than she imagined. Eyes still closed, as if it would be easier to admit anything if she wasn’t facing anyone. “I liked it. I didn’t want to but I did. And I wish it had been longer because I dreamt about it ever since that New Year’s party that she kissed me. It didn’t mean anything at the time but it woke something inside me. And I’ve tried to keep it bury, I’ve tried to push it down as much as I could and I did. I almost forgot about it until tonight. It felt as if… everything came rushing back up.” Strangely enough, she felt a relief after admitting her true feelings, making her open her eyes, taking a second to adjust to the light before she grabbed the wine glass and drank what was left of it.