The scarf of sexual preference

whats ET short for?

because he’s got little legs

Being a kid was so fucking funny we’d just go around lying to each other’s faces constantly to impress each other one of my classmates told me he was the first person to visit the sun and when I asked him what it was like to prove he was lying he said he didn’t remember because they sent him there when he was just a baby and to this day the mental image of NASA launching an unsupervised baby into the sun still makes me crack up

new york city’s official government guidelines for how to fuck during a pandemic really are a bright spot in the darkness right now

i wish british accents were real and weren’t just invented for the ppcu (peppa pig cinematic universe)

What is the objective?

Survive.

much like the Phoenix, a new dad shall rise from the sawdust reborn

my clearest memory from high school is my best friend asking if i’d brought gym clothes and me asking “who the fuck is jim”

This bitch is so fucking funny

theres not one last name between them