Rev up those fryers, Krusty Krew!

if she's your girl why is she shocking me like an electric eel

he’s gonna pick up the pumpkin and start swinging it around like a mace

mike’s hard past couple of months

“the world has become such a soft safe space where you can’t speak freely” is a good way to reveal you spend a majority of your time on the internet. a customer came in today and told me that the illuminati framed bill cosby and it was my fault and i just had to be like OK sir cash or credit

i think i’ll continue to wear a mask when this shit’s all over, and huge sunglasses. my face is none of your business

I love the generational gap between emoji usage. Anyone over 50 sees 🙃 and thinks "silly time! whee 🙃", whereas the rest of us immediately hear, verbatim, "they ask you how you are, and you just have to say that you're fine, when you're not really fine, but you just can't get into it because they would ne--"