Don't wake me up

I’m not sure what the right word is. He does have confidence in his skills, the moment he gets into the zone with his work of any kind (teaching, sciencing), once he gets out of his own way he has no hesitation. But away from that, he does seem to think very little of himself, or rather, doesn’t see that he could have genuine worth to others. He is out of sync with humanity in general, even though he does have the tools to connect with people fairly easily, mostly with humor/teaching. When they tell him he’s the new science officer for the Hail Mary, he calls himself a failure, simply the type of person who is unable to succeed despite his obvious and huge achievements.

I don’t think he’s a coward at all. I think he feels alone and afraid most of the time, for whatever reasons (the book/movie do not tell us — past tragedy? Traumatic experiences? Autism? Simply his temperament? His career flameout is most likely a symptom of this, not the cause) and he is constantly doing it afraid, constantly having to be brave every single day. He has his comfort zones (teaching, sciencing) and his coping mechanisms (humor, burying himself in work) but he’s always afraid. That’s why when he fails (career flameout, astrophage are made of water, etc) he breaks and lashes out in frustration, releasing all that tension in a rush. He pushes himself so hard and he fails anyway and he crashes out/melts down.

And when he has amnesia, he’s still afraid. He isn’t suddenly a fearless person without his memories. He’s terrified, waking up in space alone. But he is also the kind of person who refuses to just give up, especially with something so important, because he cares so much. It’s love of science and people that drives him for everything, even when he feels certain he doesn’t belong with either. It’s love that drives him to save Rocky.

This has probably been done better by other people, but I wanted to get my thoughts down.

We know Grace was incredibly angry as a younger man. Vindictively, savagely, self-destructively furious. He torpedoed his career, torched every bridge he had, and salted the earth behind him - all in defense of a theory that the viewer is unequivocally told is wrong. Astrophage has water in it; in the book, it's made clear that Eridians do, too, and that's interesting. That that rage is never vindicated.

That's not how things usually work - the abrasive young wunderkind might be completely out of line, but he's right! But PHM firmly lets that particular narrative pitfall wither on the vine, along with quite a few others.

When the film starts, Grace has spent years if not excising, then taming that anger. He is gentle, vulnerable, funny. He dresses in soft and eccentric clothing, he works with children, they love him. When Stratt brings out his thesis, he's visibly embarrassed. He is not that person anymore. He doesn't want to be.

(Relatedly, that's why I think that when he tried to literally nope out of Stratt's room of experts when asked to explain Astrophage breeding to them, it wasn't stage fright or intimidation. He was afraid of it happening again.)

Most interestingly is that when you see this in countless other stories, a man who's lost his anger and/or who is no longer working in his chosen field is a tragic, pitiable figure. He's a has-been, he's broken. Washed up. Missing something vital. But Grace isn't presented that way at all.

It is a good thing that he's not angry anymore. (The closest we get is him throwing a little tantrum in the lab after finding water in Astrophage - old wounds resurfacing, a glimpse of who he used to be, and something that's played for cringing laughs.) It's a good thing he's not that person who can't stop and think or take criticism or input or play well with others anymore, because if he were - he wouldn't have survived. Earth and Erid wouldn't have survived!

Even when it would be understandable for him to be angry, he's quickly soothed by Rocky and the pressing necessity of the situation. It's not a useful emotion for the mission or for Grace. It's made so clear that not only is this a net good, but he ends the film as a teacher again, a "lesser" job that he sees as vitally important and personally fulfilling. There was never anything wrong with him or anything missing.

Which brings me to the fear.

I feel like fear is presented as a fairly neutral emotion in the film, especially because Grace's cowardice comes through much more strongly than in the book. His initial refusal to sacrifice himself for Earth doesn't make him a villain. It's understandable, and there is no satisfaction in his being run down, tied up, knocked out, and loaded onto the Hail Mary.

If he'd made it, or if Stratt had listened to his "no," it wouldn't have made him evil...but it would have been the wrong decision for Grace personally. I don't think he could have lived with it. He would have wondered, as people died the world over, how many fewer of them there would have been if he'd gone when he were asked.

In the moment, the fear overwhelmed his ability for foresight and reasoning. Kind of like the anger did when he was younger, at the UNESCO science conference he dug his grave at.

But Grace is a man who knows how to change, how to work on himself, and how to adapt. So when he's presented with the exact same choice near the end of the story, but without anyone to force him this time, he chooses differently. He goes back for Rocky and Erid, because even though he's still afraid to die, he loves him enough to face death down voluntarily to save lives. And that brings his character arc to an immensely satisfying final resting place.

PHM is a story about a man embracing things beyond anger and fear and being a hero for it. You do not have to be angry, it's okay if you're afraid, it's okay if you're wrong. The love is enough, and you won't make it without other people.

Like, he apologizes for his behavior in the lab at the beginning because imo IT IS JUST SO WEIRD. It doesn’t seem like such a wolf note on the bigscreen maybe but it’s actually REALLY fun, unusual, and discordant that he has this character trait.

coaxionunlimited:

this is additionally weird for a teacher - if he did any of that around his students he would be unimaginably fired. and like, he should be teaching his kids anger management so he definitely should have better strategies than this...

manyblinkinglights:

This is one reason I REALLY like him/his characterization, because imo he’s really put the work in to be good at teaching. See: the complete expungement of cusses! This guy as depicted like genuinely did a bunch of work on himself and exerted selfcontrol and just, took general grownup mature actions in order to Be a teacher. It’s great! His carefully structured cope doesn’t even fully desert him in space! He’s just apparently NATURALLY got these foibles bubbling up where he hasn’t nurtured them out.

rakel-on-ao3:

Then Grace goes back for Rocky.

Because while Eridians are incredibly strong and tough on the outside, on the inside they are actually quite fragile:

They have no immune system, so anything that makes it past their enclosed carapace and internal heating will pretty much kill them

They have no natural defenses to radiation of any kind

In general they have very little organic matter so anything that targets their cells directly is quickly lethal

They are partially cold-blooded and live at a very narrow temperature range (about 20 degrees C)

They rely almost entirely on one, highly developed sense and are helpless if deafened (can't even remember the layout of a room)

They are completely helpless while asleep and can't control when that happens

They will forcibly become dormant after eating AND when badly hurt enough (their equivalent of going into shock)

They require more energy to function than humans do, and have very little organic matter to burn in the case of starvation

In contrast, humans:

Have an aggressive immune system and internal mechanisms for dealing with cell damage

Have adrenaline which allows them to temporarily ignore injuries and perform abnormal feats of strength

Are persistence hunters built for economy of movement and capable of extreme levels of endurance

Exist in a very wide range of habitats and on a diverse diet

Are very hardy in general, able to survive massive injuries, lack of sleep, prolonged starvation, and intense environmental conditions if given proper care

The quintessential example of this dichotomy between strength and endurance is the Going Fishing incident in the book: Rocky is able to survive and move in G forces that are killing Grace and to physically wrestle off the chair crushing him, but he collapses from his injuries almost immediately after. Despite being injured himself Grace then carries his 400lb friend up a ladder, is badly burned returning him to his atmosphere, and then proceeds to get some basic medical care, hype himself up on pain meds and keep working (albeit rather badly, lol) while Rocky forcibly sleeps.

So for everyone else. this is like seeing someone put their hands around someone’s neck. And Dr Grace is just like awww my good friend Rocky who is so heavy I’m going to pat and hug him a little bit and invite him into my lap/over my body mass constantly. I expect it.

Grace is joking around with a selectively violent creature that can rip his soft squishy body apart in an instant!

But it’s also a lot of fun to hear Weir talk about all the stuff he wants to include in a possible sequel, like the fact that eridians can have several conversations at once even with the same eridian. He imagine Rocky and Adrian bickering in one conversation while having a nice conversation at the same time that slowly turns into a fight and all of a sudden they’re yelling at each other in two conversations about different things.

He also says they have terrible spacial memory because they can see everything around them all the time thanks to their echo location so to them it’s crazy that humans can only see in one direction but still remember what’s behind them and even what the last room they were in looks like. Apparently eridians mostly just remember that the room exists and that it has the computer in it but if you asked them where the computer is placed in the room they’ll struggle to give a precise answer.

And Rocky got scared when Grace hugged him because eridians don’t have a concept of expressing affection with physical touch. To them it’s only neutral or violent because thanks to their hard shell they can’t really feel much. They only use it to move each other around or to break through their prey’s shell to get to the soft insides. So in their inter-species friendship only Grace would feel any desire to touch Rocky. It makes it very cute that Rocky joins in on Grace’s hugging ritual. It’s purely for Grace’s sake.

According to Weir eridians never had a reason to develop spacial memory because as soon as they enter a place they know where everything is, even if it’s behind something else, unlike humans who have to look for it. It reminds me of this video by a guy who has facial blindness.

He explains that humans have a part of our brain dedicated to remembering faces because we’re social creatures who need to remember friends and foes, but that part can be damaged despite our memory being perfect otherwise. The way Weir explains eridians memory it almost sounds like something akin to aphantasia but for spaces specifically. They never forget info but visuals are more wishy-washy. Thats why they know what’s in a room but they don’t know where it is if they’re not “looking” at it.

There’s definitely an argument to be made that eridians might feel differently about physical touch in the movie canon, especially because eridians lie on top of each other while watching each other sleep in the movie but watch from a distance in the book. But Weir explained in an interview that hugging is part of an exchange between Grace and Rocky. They do things for each other that makes the other happy despite not enjoying it themselves. Rocky let Grace hug him but would never ask Grace to do it, and Grace let Rocky watch him sleep but would prefer if he didn’t. They both know these things make the other happy and are an expression of care, trust and affection so they do it for each other.

I don't know which interview this info comes from, so this might be getting into broken telephone territory, but:

"They do things for each other that makes the other happy despite not enjoying it themselves" is not what I'm getting from the canon. First of all, neither the book nor the movie have this specific mutual exchange. In the book, there is an entire subplot about sleeping habits, but Grace isn't touchy-feely enough to go for a hug, so we can only guess how Rocky would feel about that. The movie doesn't address how Grace feels about being watched in his sleep past the initial scene, but it gives Rocky a lot of affectionately tactile body language.

Instead, what the book does with sleep-watching and the movie does with hugging is basically the same character arc. Person A initiates a social interaction that's normal in his culture; person B doesn't initially understand what it means and is taken aback by that minor invasion of his personal space, but goes along with it; sooner or later, person B gets used to it as a part of their shared culture and starts to enjoy it.

"The whole “watching me sleep” thing doesn’t creep me out anymore. If anything, it’s comforting." "It feels wrong to sleep without someone watching." Andy Weir wrote that, not me! No takesies backsies!

If Eridians don't have the concept of expressing affection through touch at all, then I don't see much difference between a hug-through-glass and a fist bump. It doesn't really matter whether Eridians do any of that on Erid; what matters is that Grace and Rocky do it together. Mirroring is their first and most basic method of expressing goodwill and affection in both the book and the movie. I don't think the "desire to respond to affectionate touch in kind" is meaningfully different from the "desire to touch" in this context.

Your second paragraph, I think, says the same thing that my last tag did. The touch itself is just a signifier, just another word they need to add to their shared dictionary. What matters is the meaning behind that word.

Grace: It is vitally important that I get along with Adrian. This is my best friend's mate, the person he fought so hard to come home to, and the most important person in his life. Yeah it's a little awkward because they've been together way longer than I've been alive and I'm just some alien he picked up on the way and will probably forget about once he has his real family back, but I've still gotta make this work. For Rocky.

Adrian: It is vitally important that I get along with Grace. This is the person who saved our entire species and brought my mate home to me. I owe him everything for that, and he clearly means the world to Rocky. Yeah it's a little awkward because I haven't seen my mate for years and now it's like I barely know him anymore and he's closer to this weird new alien than he is to me, but I've still gotta make this work. For Rocky.

This leads to Grace and Adrien having many conversations in front of Rocky which are very polite and nice and accommodating- and excruciatingly awkward.

Do you think there came a time when he realized he couldn’t clearly recall the faces of anyone he’d known on Earth and knew with a haunting certainty that it wasn’t from the amnesia drug?

Do you think there were times when he would stare up at the simulated night sky of his biodome and think about how he’d never see the constellations he grew up with again?

Do you think there were days it got to him? The enormity of the distance between him and any other human in the universe?

Do you think he ever compared himself to point Nemo? It’s the farthest away anyone can get from any landmass on Earth, it feels laughable from Erid.

Do you think there were times where he’d miss his own species so badly it burned?

Do you think Rocky ever watched Grace, surrounded by Eridians who loved him, yet painfully isolated in a way no other creature has ever been?

Do you think Rocky ever thought about his decades drifting in Tau Ceti’s solar system and the aching loneliness he felt being the lone survivor of a dead ship?

Do you think there came a day where he looked at Grace and realized that Grace had spent a longer time proportional to his lifetime alone than Rocky did?

Do you think Rocky ever thought about their time on the Hail Mary? Not just the adventure and danger and ‘saving the universe’ parts, but the way Grace’s frigidly cold (to an Eridian) body would press against the outside of Rocky’s xenonite and Rocky would press back like a dying creature just for the contact that was never enough?

Do you think Rocky ever reminisced about how he felt landing back on Erid and feeling another warm carapace against his for the first time in decades?

Do you think he thought back to the relief of feeling his own atmosphere pressing down on him and the lovely resonance of another Eridian’s voice ratting through his body?

Do you think it eats at him? The guilt? The same guilt he’d felt every day during the return trip that he’d retreat in private to eat another one of his endless Eridian rations while Grace starved? The guilt that nearly chokes him every time he savors his mate’s touch knowing that Grace will never get to touch again?

Do you think that Rocky’s sleep cycles are disrupted because he stays up wondering if he damned his best friend by bringing him to Erid?