natatangi

nasa pagtatapos na ko ng librong to at ang ganda. akala natin sa face value more of reducing possessions or clutter lang ang minimalism pero kasama yung aspect ng attitude natin tungkol sa mga bagay. tulad nito:

1. sa minimalism wala ka raw dapat masyadong binibigay na halaga sa sasabihin ng iba. kahit di ka mukhang mayaman o may status dahil kokonti lang ang gamit. masyado kasi tayong overwhelmed at preoccupied magpurchase ng mga bagay para i-send yung message na ganto o ganyan ang image natin. minsan nasa possession natin ineexpress ang personality tulad ng pagkahilig sa bright o pastel at cute na colors o bagay. minsan affected pa tayo pag nasasabihan na pare parehas ang suot. pero kung minimalist na hindi yun mahalaga kasi kung tutuusin si Steve Jobs nga daw trademark na niyang suot yung black turtleneck at jeans saka new balance na sneakers pero sobrang yaman niya di ba. di mo rin need ng things para maging pretentious kasi nga wala ka nang pake sa perception ng iba sayo.

2. our possessions often weigh us down. kasi nga naman pag marami kang possessions marami ka ring imemaintain. tas ikaw pa nagbabayad sa renta ng “roommates” mo. think of your possessions as roommates daw. kaya kung mas marami, marami ka ring burden.

3. natatanggal din dito yung ugali ng paghanap ng happiness galing sa material things. kasi nga naman daw usually nasa nurtured relationships yun at experiences na lagi natin naooverlook para kumita pambili ng material things. mas maaappreciate mo yung mga mahal mo sa buhay o yung present moment kung kuntento ka sa mga bagay na meron ka. less gamit, less waste. less gastos, more ipon. or gastos man pero sa experiences na lang.

4. tinuro din dito na pag naging minimalist ka titigil ka rin magkumpara ng sarili sa iba. yun kasi nagiging root ng pagprocure ng nga bagay. kapag nakita mo sa iba o sa social media. kapag feel mo di sapat yung meron ka kasi nakikita mo na abundant yung iba. so pag kuntento ka titigil ka rin magkumpara.

5. pag wala ka ring ganong possessions mas marami ka ring time for things that make you feel alive. sa experiences, sa relationships, sa sarili mo. mas nakakapag-engage ka sa mundo at mas naaappreciate mo yung oras na hawak mo na hindi nakatali sa mga bagay. mas grateful ka pati kasi wala kang naooverlook na bagay dahil alam mo kung ano lang ang possessions mo at mas natututo ka magpasalamat.

6. ito rin fave kong part:

alam ko naman na mahirap pa to gawin at ako rin nagkakamali at times lalo kung pinag-uusapan eh bad behavior tulad ng mga anon ask pero ayoko na mag-engage sa conversations na walang sustansya. yung mahilig sa gossip tungkol sa ibang tao. mahirap tanggalin kahit minsan naggigive in ako kapag may mga taong nakakainis ang behavior. it’s still a work in progress. ayoko na sila bigyan ng time and energy. i’d rather keep that energy to myself.

7. pag less stress ka na dahil less gamit, mas nagkakaron ka ng time improve ang sarili at maging healthy. sabi din kasama sa minimalism ang pagkain na kailangan mo lang at sapat lang sayo. di ka stressed kaya di mo need magstress eating o binge.

8. nung nagkasunog din malapit sa bahay namin narealise ko na dapat wala kang attachment masyado sa mga bagay na pag-aari mo. kung sakaling nasama ang bahay namin tanging matitira lang sa’min eh dokumento, phones namin, mga bebeng, laptop ko, at camera. imaginine mo pepwedeng mawala sila sa isang iglap lang.

9. quality over quantity sa friendships. di mo talaga kelangan ng marami para maging masaya. kelangan mo lang ng konti pero totoo. saka sa mga relationship na meron ka mas napapaigi mo at napapayabong.

did you take your meds? 

are you holding tension? deep breath, relax your back

i’m not gonna tell you to go to bed early but please at least lie down and rest for me okay?

if you can’t shower, maybe try gentle baby wipes. that’s what i use when i don’t have the spoons. alcohol free mouthwash is good, too. sometimes i’ll just wet my hair at the sink and run some treatment through it 

check your phone/calendar, do you have any appointments coming up you might have forgotten? 

most likely most of your beliefs and behavioural patterns that can be labelled as negative or toxic aren’t even yours, they’ve been subconsciously absorbed from your environment

the point isn’t to play a blame game now but give yourself some break and show yourself more compassion, it’s not your fault, you were not responsible for this, your only responsibility is the present moment and the healing process

you don’t need to carry someone else’s baggage... let it go and create beliefs and patterns that you choose consciously, the ones that work for you and sustain your life, not drain it

dami ko na namang hanash today pero kasi gusto ko ilabas yung mga thoughts ko sa librong to kasi navavalidate yung effort at arduous journey ko para sa growth at maging masaya sa life at kung anumang meron ako ngayon. gusto ko rin to i-share kasi napapansin ko andaming hurting ngayon sa dash. na baka nagtatanong kayo kung kelan ba yan matatapos pero gusto kong magbigay ng expectation na hindi automatic ang healing kundi conscious effort at discipline din. kailangan mong pagdaanan talaga habang andyan ang sakit at gumawa ng actions para mapabuti ang sitwasyon mo. and it took me 2 years to get to where i am right now at masasabi kong hindi siya ganun kadali. saka disclaimer ah para sa’kin to at shineshare ko yung own experience ko pepwedeng iba yung sayo dahil di naman tayo parehas ng dinadanas.

1. you can’t heal in the same environment where you got sick. sa tingin ko kasi maraming nagsesecond thoughts layasan yung mga bagay na nakakasakit sa kanila. nung nagtherapy ako navalidate ni doc Q na lumipat ako ng trabaho kung nakasalalay ang mental health ko dahil kupal ang boss ko. di ako nagdadalawang isip magresign sa trabaho kung saan hindi ako tinatrato ng tama. oo ganun talaga pag nagtatrabaho pero kelangan mo marealise na may ibang work culture na hindi kupal. pangit man sa resume ang job hopping pero natutunan ko na marami kang skill at experience na makukuha dahil don. maparelasyon man yan o trabaho never second guess leaving kung mental health na ang nakasalalay.

2. you also need a loving and supportive circle. swerte na lang rin ako na supportive si mama and Leo sa pagsiseek ko ng professional help. si mama pa nga ang kasama ko sa check up sa pmha non pati gamot ko siya ang bumibili nung wala akong trabaho. alam ko mahirap sabihin to sa pamilya dahil may stigma against mental health pero kelangan mo talaga i-parealise minsan na totoo siya at nangyayari siya at hindi yun inarte lang o kulang sa dasal. nung hindi ako naiintindihan pa ni mama i sought comfort from strangers muna bago mga kaibigan ko. babad ako dito sa Tumblr at sa Reddit bago ako nagkalakas ng loob mag-out sa social media na may depression ako.

3. self awareness. di mo marerealise toxic behaviors mo kung hindi ka self aware. saka wag mong i-balewala yung nararamdaman mo o i-repress kasi lahat ng tinatago mo under the rug pag nagpile up yan sasabog rin yan sa mukha mo. sit with your emotions and what you’re feeling. don’t fill the void with material and superficial things kasi ikaw lang rin ang lugi. when i noticed na nauubos ko ang ipon namin kakabili ng senseless na bagay, naiiyak ako sa pampublikong sasakyan at gumagawa ng destructive behavior dun ko naisip na kelangan kong aksyunan yon. kasi nakakasawa ang hedonistic treadmill at hindi matatapos yun hangga’t hindi mo inaaddress talaga ang problema. dito ko rin nalaman ang pinagkaiba nun sa self diagnosing. nun kasi nireresearch ko kung anong criteria ng depression at nirereport ko yun sa doctor ko tapos navalidate niya naman. sa therapy rin kay doc Q nalaman kong may borderline traits ako at itong recently kay miss Kae navalidate niyang may anxiety ako. kaya mahalaga na inaacknowledge mo ang sarili mong nararamdaman para madali mo yun naitatala at nasasabi sa professional. mas madali ka nilang matutulungan kung may clear picture sila ng nangyayari sayo. kasi when they know what’s going on with you, accurate ang diagnosis at pag accurate ang diagnosis, effective ang treatment. hindi gagawa ng milagro ang doctor mo kailangan nakikipagtulungan ka rin sa kanya.

4. accountability. isang masakit na bagay nga lang sa pagiging self aware eh kelangan mo maging accountable sa past actions at mistakes mo. accept mo rin na nakakagawa ka rin ng mali. nabasa ko kay @davaoconyo to this morning “kahit gaano ka pa kabait, pangit pa rin ugali mo according to some.” kailangan mo maaccept ang realidad na yun. na mabuti o masama ka depende kung sino ang nagkekwento. pero kung self aware ka at kilala mo ang sarili mo maiintindihan mo bat mo nagawa yun at kailangan mong patawarin ang sarili mo sa mga nagawa mong kasalanan. kasi ikaw lang ang meron ka. essential din ang pagpapatawad sa sarili sa pag-heal mo.

5. discipline. kaya rin ako hindi mag-give in at magpatalo sa imposter syndrome na yan dahil hindi biro yung disiplina na ginawa ko para maging maayos ako. unang una yung religiously na pagsunod sa medication at dosage ko kahit napakaraming pangit na side effects. andami kong days na gusto ko nang itigil dahil anlala ng suicidal ideation at episodes kasi ang unfair gumagastos ka na nga parang doble pa yung naging intensity ng episodes non. hindi rin talaga ako uminom ng halos isang taon nun kasi alam ko makakasama sa anti-depressants ko. disiplina rin na wag kang bumalik sa old toxic behaviors mo. kung dati sobrang compelled ka magstalk sa mga kaaway mo at pinili mong wag na yun gawin minsan may compulsion na gawin ulit yun. pati ang bumalik sa destructive behaviors mo kasi parang wala namang sense minsan magpakaayos ng buhay lalo kung mahirap ang proseso. pero progress is not linear talaga. kelangan mo mag-just keep swimming sabi nga ni Dory. hindi biro ang disiplina na kelangan mo para ayusin ang buhay mo. parang fitness goal din. walang mangyayari kung puro ka day 1 pero hindi mo tinutuloy. pero pramis pag nagbear fruit yung disipline mo sobrang worth it. i can attest to that. sumunod dito yung financial growth dahil sa disiplina. kasi kasabay ng healing ang pagsara ng void na yun. kung wala kang void na finifill hindi mo kakailanganin bilhan sarili mo ng materyal na bagay na di mo naman kailangan, di mo kelangan laging nasa bar para uminom o magdroga, di mo kailangan magflex sa social media ng gamit na mahal para masabing mayaman ka. pag wala kang void na finifill tumataba ang bank account mo. disiplina rin talaga kelangan kung gusto mo maggrow financially. 

6. you need to invest in yourself. naniniwala ako na kasabay ng healing ang growth. kailangan mo rin talaga lumabas sa comfort zone mo. matuto ka ng mga bagong bagay, yung pagbabasa ng mga content na makakatulong sa healing at growth mo mentally and physically. wag mo pagkaitan ang sarili mo ng possibilities na pwede mong magawa at versions na pwede mo pang maging. kasi pag naghiheal ka para kang nagsheshed ng old skin kaya kelangan yung bagong ikaw better dahil pinag-investan mo. 

7. reinvent yourself and curate your life. maraming klase ng kaibigan na pag sinabi mong “titigil ko na to” some may even call you a hypocrite for changing your views and your behavior. andaming magbabalik ng past self mo na “hindi ka naman ganyan nun ah. naalala mo ganto ka dati?” don’t give in. kasi kapag nakikita nila na may capacity ka to grow hindi naiiwasan na i-compare nila sarili nila sayo. na sila stuck pa rin sa ganon pero ikaw umuusad na. sever ties with these people kung kailangan. dahil ang mas kailangan mo nga eh loving support system. curate what you see in social media yung nakakapagpasaya na lang sayo hindi yung pagkumpara sa ibang tao dahil nakikita mo na perfect ang life nila sa instagram o san pa man. yung perfect na yun hindi mo naman alam ang kwento sa likod nun. follow pages that empower and educate you sabi nga ni Floss. educate yourself about new things para magkaron ka rin ng bagong perspective sa buhay mo.

isipin mo pag naghiheal ka parang kapag nasugatan lang o sa logic ko parang nagpapatattoo lang. kailangan mong upuan ang sakit at tiisin yun hanggang matapos kasi hindi mabubuo tattoo mo kung aayaw ka sa kalagitnaan, kelangan mong mag-aftercare at alagaan ang sugat mo dahil papangit ang tattoo kapag naimpeksyon dahil di mo inalagaan, kailangan mong disiplinahin wag kamutin yun at kutkutin dahil papangit yon, at kailangan mong maging patient gumaling siya. after nun dun mo maaappreciate yung tattoo mo pag fully healed na.

today let’s take about desirability politics. as much as possible iikot ako sa sinabi ni Floss at i-eexplain ko kung panong nangyayari to sa society natin. malamang na-encounter mo na yung quote na “they only give a fuck when you’re pretty or dead” usually litanya to ng mga minorities ng nasabi dito sa desirability politics.

let’s start with skin color. dito sa atin sobrang obsessed ng mga babae sa eurocentrism. lagi tayong pinakikitaan ng mga produkto na nagpapaputi dahil pinipinta na pangit ka kapag morena ka. sasabihan kang negra, madumi tignan etc. isa ako sa sumakay na to syempre. nagkojic nga ako eh. lagi kong naririnig sa mga artist “ang ganda mo kasi tattooan kasi maputi ka” pero lamnyoba nasusukat ang galing ng tattoo artist kapag nagawa niyang magtattoo ng maganda sa ibang skin color na hindi puti. kaya bilib ako sa mga nag-eembrace ng pagkamorena nila lalo sa pala-pintas nating society. likas tayong epal eh. tayong mga pinoy. pati nga disability ginagawa nating meme eh. nakakahiya.

pangalawa yang weight. kapag payat ka binibigyan ka ng reverence. naalala mo nung pumayat si Adele? mas nirespeto siya ng mga tao nun dahil payat siya. respetuhin niyo yung journey niya, yung disiplina at consistency na kaakibat non pero hindi lang dahil payat na siya at “unheathy” siya nung past weight niya. pero pano mo nalaman na unhealthy nga siya sa weight na yon? sabi sa Health at Every Size tanggalin mo yung prejudice na porke overweight eh hindi na healthy. unless ikaw ang gumawa ng bloodworks / lab tests nila? tanggalin mo ang pagpinta sa matataba na ni-let go na nila ang sarili nila o hindi sila fit tignan. dahil hindi lang naman ang payat ang mukha ng fit. manood ka ng strongman competition, friend. marami pang mukha ang fitness.

isa pang example yan si Angel Locsin at may lumabas na photo niya recently. “maganda ka pa rin kahit mataba ka” may notion na di ba dapat maganda na lang ang sinabi? ano naman kung mataba? parang may backhanded compliment at prejudice pa rin. na lamoyun nalilimot ng tao na andami niyang magandang nagawa sa mga pilipino pero mas napapansin ang pagtaba niya.

Erotic fic and porn can be a lot of fun! But if you aren’t being provided with adequate sex ed through other channels (comprehensive sexual education, frank and open discussions with trusted adults, etc.), turning to fanfic and porn for your understanding of sex is gonna leave some major blindspots and may leave you with some unrealistic expectations. While there’s nothing wrong with these kinds of erotica, they are fictional and tend to leave out a lot of the more realistic, human parts of sex - they serve a great purpose, but that purpose isn’t primarily educational. The following is an incomplete list of some things you should probably know about sex that a lot of fic and porn tends to leave out:

It isn’t always super hot or super sweet. Sometimes it’s super silly. Or sometimes it’s sort of mundane and you’re both simply scratching an itch. That’s fine too. (Hell, sometimes you’re talking about comic books while boning and your partner is laughing that you’re getting REALLY ANGRY about spider-man while they’re going to town on you.)

You will probably not climax at the same moment. It’s a sweet idea, but extremely hard to coordinate, and if all your concentration is going into coming at the exact same moment, you’re probably not enjoying yourselves as much as you might. 

Sometimes bodies make weird, goofy noises. Squelching, slapping, air-escaping, un-sexy noises. It’s okay to laugh at this. 

Hell, it’s okay to laugh during sex in general.

Sometimes you fart. Sometimes you fart while someone is going down on you and it is embarrassing as hell. This isn’t the end of the world. Embarrassing body things happen. Heck, sometimes, with anal, there’s a little poo. You get over it.

Sometimes sex is… kinda bad? This doesn’t mean it’s assault, or something traumatic – sometimes it’s consensual but just kinda bleh and not what you hoped for. The best thing to do (if you’re talking about sex with a partner and not just a hook up who you can not call back) is talk to them about it. Figure out what went wrong, what you enjoy and what you don’t, and communicate what techniques you do and don’t like. Also don’t be afraid to stop someone in the middle of the sex act you’re not enjoying and offer guidance on how to help make it good for you too. (Side tip: masturbation makes great research into what you personally do and don’t enjoy sexually)

You won’t enjoy every sex act. Not every body is wired to find every thing pleasurable. You might find anal does nothing for you. You may find g-spot stimulation just makes you really anxious that you’re about to pee. You may not enjoy giving or receiving oral. You’re not broken if you don’t like something that every pornstar or smutty fanfic protagonist seems to have earth-shattering orgasms from. Everyone’s got nerve endings in a range of places – it’s quite literally, different strokes for different folks.

On that note, not all orgasms are earth-shattering. Sometimes it just feels warm and nice. That’s fine too. 

Sometimes, if you’re neutral on a sex act and your partner loves it, you can suck it up for them, and they’ll suck up something they’re not crazy about for your pleasure in return. But communicate preferences with each other! Know that when a partner does that thing you love that they don’t get much from, that it’s an act of care, and vice versa. 

Falling asleep in each other’s arms right after wild passionate sex seems really romantic, but dried and crusty fluids are gonna be a bitch in the morning. Also, after sex, you should both (regardless of your equipment) go pee to clear out the urethra of any gunk or bacteria to reduce risk of a UTI. 

Putting a towel down on the bed before sex means you don’t have to sleep on wet funky sheets. (it’s also verrrrrry useful for period sex if you or your partner menstruate.)

A lot of people don’t like dirty talk, or rough sex. Always ask first. (Fanfic on the whole does a better job than porn at showing communication, but a lot of it is still highly fictive on this point)

PROTECTION PROTECTION PROTECTION. Use condoms, dental dams, etc. not just to prevent pregnancy, but to reduce risk of STIs. (Yes, even couples with the same genitals who don’t need to worry about pregnancy).

Lube is great and very important, but random goopy things around you are not good lube. Random oils especially, since oil doesn’t flush out well and can trap bacteria inside the body – oil-based lubricant also degrades condoms. Use lube specifically designed for intimate purposes. Water-based and silicone-based lubes help sex feel really good!

Bigger isn’t necessarily better. A lot of people with vaginas don’t enjoy the feeling of being repeatedly punched in the cervix by a monster cock. Some people enjoy a larger size when being penetrated by an appendage or toy and some don’t.

Bodies are hairy. Genitals are hairy. You may get a pube stuck in your teeth at some point. If your partner is WAY fuzzier than porn ever led you to believe they’d be, well, that’s normal. 

Not everyone loves the taste of ejaculate. Sometimes it’s nasty (flavor tends to vary from person to person depending on their diet, but sometimes you just really don’t like it no matter what. Some of us hate the taste of peanut butter. People don’t always like things). It’s okay not to swallow, or to request a penis-having partner warn you so they don’t ejaculate in your mouth (in fact, it’s polite for them to do the latter). 

If you’re gonna have shower sex, get one of those rubbery mats for the shower floor that gives you traction, because otherwise it’s super embarrassing to call for an ambulance while dripping wet and naked because you slipped and accidentally broke something and your partner got a concussion while you were trying to bang in the shower. 

Muscle cramps happen. If you’re in a weird position, your body may decide to object. Pillows for support can be wonderful things. 

Anyone who finds towels aren’t enough, they make waterproof pillowcases you can get for like $10. Fold a bath sheet in half, slide the pillowcase in between the layers. 

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