Say What?

I realised after discovering my bio earlier that it’s been roughly 3 years since I last really used Tumblr. Only noticed as it says I’m 23 and I’m now 26.

Life feels very different from then. Like it’s finally caught up to where it should be.

I’m now in a job where people respect me and nobody questions everything I do. Which is massive compared to where I was 3 years ago.

I earn enough money to live comfortably and finally can save money, but not to the detriment of my daily living. It shouldn’t be important but it really is. 3 years ago I would get paid, spend all of that money and eat the majority of my overdraft. Then repeat every month, going nowhere, saving nothing.

I own my own bed. I also own a whole flat’s worth of furniture and things that I’ve either acquired or purchased myself. The bed is important though as it’s the most comfortable bed I could find, and it’s the first thing I’ve ever purchased on credit (and paid off).

I’m in a solid relationship, where I completely trust Mark and very rarely get the chaotic feelings of inadequacy as I used to. I genuinely never thought that would ease up. I had years and years of failed romances which the most common through in my head would be “I’m not good enough”. That why the hell would somebody fancy me when there are so many other babes out there? The countless nights planning a new life where I would work hard to be thin and suddenly all those who wronged me would suddenly be interested again. 

I’m sad that I ever felt like that. I’m even sadder that the people I trusted with my heart let me feel like that as well. 

Like I say though, it’s pretty much gone. There are pangs of it still, which is ok because I know I’m being ridiculous. Like last night after the show, one of the ladies Mark knew from being in them before was chatting to him. I have a fleeting moment of “Well, of course, he’s want to be with her over me, she’s gorgeous”. Which quickly turned into “Kerri you dumb ass, he’s allowed to have friends and know beautiful people just like you do”. Then the feeling was off and all was well again.

I don’t post here much anymore but I’m super excited and I need to get it out somewhere and it’s not worthy of a proper blog post on my other blog!

Mark and I viewed the most insane house earlier like it’s so beautiful I wanted to cry. Funny thing is that it’s almost opposite my old flat on the river. I have genuinely spent three years of my life looking at this place.

I was awake racked with anxiety about the house last night. I wish it was logical but my brain just wouldn’t stop fantasising about living there and then chastising itself because I may jinx getting it. Those kinds of ridiculous sleepless nights seem to keep happening.

I’m still super nervous about living with Mark, but after a girls weekend with Ellie talking everything over I feel better. I think there’s always little dramas involved living with people, nobody tells you it’s never plain sailing! Hey, I lived with a best friend who turned into a nightmare in the past so I really should know this!

Anyway, excited/nervous ramble over. In other news, I’ve actually started a “proper” blog over on WordPress because I miss this kind of thing a lot, and now I work in content I should do this more!

Kidding, this place is a winner.