writings by halla

“But isn’t the whole point of being chosen that somebody else necessarily has to choose you?”

I was wrong. The whole time.

The focus isn’t on choosing or being chosen.

The focus is on seeing.

Seeing truth as truth and acting accordingly.

Seeing myself in truth.

Seeing and recognizing the truth about myself.

Nowadays I look in the mirror and despite what I may perceive to be any physical flaws, first and foremost and overwhelmingly and gratefully:

I see myself. I see the truth about myself.

I see someone kind and sweet. I see someone beautiful and loving. I see someone holding firm to the rope of God (and by holding firm, of course, I mean trying her best to hold firm, because as humans we are only ever tasked with trying). I see the subtle glow of my character shining through my face and it attracts me towards me in love and kindness and care and cherishing, nourishing, compassionate regard. I love me. There’s no other way to describe it. Radical acceptance and a whole lotta love. It’s remarkably different and new in its force and unassailable strength. It’s an undeniable upgrade from what I used to think was self-love. This is the real deal.

I see so much beauty where in the past my lens were skewed and distorted and hopelessly unfocused.

In the past I would look in the mirror with a view to criticize and a litany of complaints and an relentless poking and prodding to force that girl closer to unattainable perfection. It was a mean gaze, and a harsh reality to live in. One with no safe space and no room for love or radical acceptance or compassion.

this Love is blooming.

This love is blooming,

It's already here.

This connection is real and affirming,

And I trust it.

It's not a future thing at all, really.

This love is blooming right now.

It exists now,

In the present.

I am witnessing, experiencing, breathing, feeling, conscious and aware of how it's all happening,

For me and around me and through me.

I am the vessel through which this love is blooming,

Growing.

It's happening for me and within me and through me in this present moment.

It's not a future thing, really.

It's right now and I am open to it.

What is holding you back from giving yourself up to love?

What is there to fear?

Because 1. The Source of All Things resides in you, and 2. He will support you in moving through pain and heartbreak, just like He has done before.

So again, I ask.

What is holding you back from giving yourself up wholly and completely to love?

I've always taken it for granted, but being able to see people is a gift, and not being seen is also it's own gift.

“Grief expressed out loud for someone we have lost, or a country or home we have lost, is in itself the greatest praise we could ever give them. Grief is praise, because it is the natural way love honours what it misses.”

“So let me clarify this: we don’t always get what we deserve. So you are worthy of love-- whether the love has shown up or not is a different question. But it not showing up is not the same as ‘you are unworthy or unloveable.’ Yes? So I recognize as a person on the planet I am worthy of love, of care, of compassion, and I start by giving it to myself. I start by giving it to myself.”

...

You are not disqualified. You are not beyond the reach of love. Starting with the love of yourself. And I would say, even before the love of yourself is love from the Creator. And so sometimes it’s about me needing to see myself through the eyes of the Creator. Because I may be seeing myself with a lot of judgment and shame, but the One who knows all and knows me and knows everything sees me and says You are my beloved. So we have sacred love and we have self love.”

Kindness

Gratitude

Integrity

Strength

An understanding of the self

Emotional intelligence

The understanding that softness is not weakness

Emotional vulnerability

The capability of being soft

A lack of ego

Taking responsibility for mistakes

Ability to admit when wrong

A willingness and desire to grow

Taking active steps to grow

Seeking excellence

Seeking to try and be better

Patience

The willingness to teach

Acting in spite of fear

Does not sweat the small stuff

Does not overthink

Is a calming presence

A helper

Dedication

Hardworking

Strong sense of responsibility

Supportive

Supportive

Loving

Gentle

Mature

Respectful

Respectful of boundaries

Grounding

Thoughtful

Faithful

Faith

Connection to God

Relationship with God is number one priority

Practices faith

Thinks and behaves in a manner grounded in relationship with God

Philosophical

Reflective 

Critical

Openness

Willingness to change thinking and beliefs

A leader

A worker

A teammate

A partner

Thoughtful

Caring

Tender hearted

Kind hearted

Stands up for beliefs

Stands up against wrongs

Stands up for the vulnerable

Is there when needed

Offers services

Doesn't take self too seriously

Doesn't take life too seriously

Silly

Soft

Light hearted

Generous

Caring

Listens

Listens

Listens

And hears

Responsive

Makes me laugh until my stomach hurts

Dances

Playful

Joyful

Grateful

Sensitive

Empathetic

Sympathetic

Emotional strength

Emotional intelligence

Resilience

Resilience

Introspective

Capable of working out problems alone

Capable of working out problems with others

Asks

Inquires

Cares

Offers

Prioritizes me

Prioritizes our family

Prioritizes self care

Does the heavy important hard self work

Wants to make a difference

Is not satisfied only with living a good life

Wants a good life for others as well

Openness to new people and experiences

Travel

Communication

Loves others

Loves self.

When the pain comes: a checklist.

When the pain comes, feel it expand, and quickly overtake. do not resist.

breathe into it. breathe throughout. feel the tears fall, drip off your face, run down your cheek. keep breathing, in and out, just like that.

observe your emotions, what are you feeling? that pain, sorrow, heartache, hollowness, bubbling over,  foam and froth spilling out of a mug.

witness the experience. you are crying, your heart hurts, the sadness is within you even as it escapes.

honour what you are going through right now: this is so hard,  and yet here you are,  breathing,  feeling,  alive, not numbing, human and connected to yourself, just as you are connected to others.

breathe. keep breathing, and as you do, witness the space you are making for yourself to feel and to move through the difficult emotions.

I don't always have to be the confident, outgoing, super self-assured girl. I can be, am allowed to be, give myself permission to be, the scared, unsure, insecure, just-figuring-it-out girl.

I try to push those things away-- aside and out of view-- all the time: but that's the shame. That the shame that acts that way. Shame has me disconnecting from the valid, beautiful, human parts of me that deserve to be in the light too.

Shame is disconnection from myself.

I don't need to do that. I can be afraid and unsure and insecure, even as I am confident and certain and grounded and awesome. I can be both: 

I am both. I am all of those things.

“The fastest way to where I want to go, is through where I am.

I discovered that the space between where I am and where I want to be is often the thing that frightens me the most.

Like: I want to sing. How in God’s name do I get there? How do I face this fear? So what I discovered is that if I break it down into the bite-sized pieces, and give it a may I, instead of an I am, the may I offers an invitation while honouring where I am– while gently inviting me where I want to go.”

Softer.

I am edging ever closer and closer to truly stepping into who I am,

Without apology to myself–

No shame, fear, or embarrassment.

Being BIG!, without a second thought.

A moment last week showed me that my playing small does not allow me to show up as my very best self.

Yes– I can be smaller, with the hope that maybe if others can’t hear or see, then they can’t judge.

But contorting myself into smallness,

When my very nature is BIG!,

Only causes me express to myself in a way that is unnatural,

Uncomfortable,

and does not represent the very best of all that I have to give.

If my fear is of judgment and not coming across as my best self–

Then it is worth it to consider that contorting myself to be smaller and quieter already results in that very same outcome,

Because I am dimming all that I am.

So I might as well be BIG!,

And own it:

This is who I am.

Anything else would be unnatural and would not serve me in living and showing up in this world as the BIG!,

And best,

Stop thinking so much babygirl--

Trust.

Trust the Source of All Love,

Who brought you this far.