i have thoughts

Jason: Ugghhh, I can't believe I lost to an old man. Bruce is like 50 something. How is he so strong?

Bruce: I am 40.

Jason: Potato potato. Same shit.

Dick: To be fair, he beats all of us in arm wrestling. And I think he is putting his Batman face but he doesn't even twitch while wrestling with you.

Jason: Way to rub in the salt, dickhead. Do any of you wanna go?

Damian: And humiliate myself? I have self respect Todd.

Tim: Yeah, no. I'm already running low on my energy drink. I don't think I can even lift a finger right now.

Cass: I am agile, not strong. If Jason can't beat him, I probably can't too.

Steph: How are you so strong anyway?

Bruce: Dad strength.

Jason: Bullshit.

Dick: Dad strength is real?

Damian: Is that why you keep bringing in new children, father?

*Entering the living room*

Duke: Hey, guys. Danny's here. He has some burgers with him.

Danny: Way to rat out my lunch, dude.

Duke: You have like 2 dozen burgers there. Ain't no way you are eating all of that.

Danny: You don't know that. I could totally eat all of this.

Duke: Sure you can. What are all of you doing on the coffee table? And why does Jason look like he wants to shoot Bruce.

Steph: He lost to Bruce in arm wrestling.

Tim: And Bruce says the only reason he is strong is because of Dad strength.

Duke: You're exaggerating. Bruce can't be that strong.

-2 minutes later-

Duke: I take back what I say.

Danny: Oh I want to try. I've been lifting a lot recently. Look at this. *Flex almost nonexistent muscle*

Tim: Yeah, sure dude. Looks great.

Damian: Your sarcasm is dripping, Drake. And there is no way you are beating father, Fenton.

Danny: Oh just you wait.

-1 minute later-

Jason: What The Fuck.

Dick: You're joking, Bruce. Tell me you're joking.

Jason: There is no fucking way I am weaker than this twink. He looks more malnourished than when I was a street kid.

Damian:*Frowns heavily*

Steph and Cass: *Laughing at Jason's, Bruce's and Dick's shocked face*

Tim: How are you so strong?

Jason: I call bullshit. There’s no way you have dad strength. You don’t even have kids.

Danny: Shrugs, still munching on a burger You don’t know that.

Tim: Pauses mid-sip of his energy drink Wait. Do you?

Dick: Horrified gasp Danny, is there something you need to tell us?

Danny: Chokes on his burger No! God, no. I was just messing with you!

Damian: Then how did you win?

Danny: Grinning I’m just built different.

Bruce: Still staring at their clasped hands on the table I need to train harder.

Duke: Leaning back against the couch, arms crossed Nah, man, just accept it. You’ve met your match.

Jason: Still in disbelief No, no, no. I refuse to accept that. This—this gestures wildly at Danny twig beat Bruce. That means he’s stronger than me.

Steph: Wiping away tears of laughter Oh my god, Jason’s having an existential crisis.

Cass: Nods, still giggling This is a great day.

Danny: Leaning back and taking another bite of his burger You know, I was just here to eat, but this turned out to be chef’s kiss amazing.

Tim: Still staring at Danny’s arm Seriously, though. How?

Danny: Smirks Ghost powers, bro.

Damian: Flatly That explains nothing.

Danny: Pauses mid-bite …Wait. If dad strength is real, and I have a clone and an evil future self… does that mean I technically have kids?

Tim: Blinking …I hate that I have to think about this.

Duke: Counting on his fingers Okay, so Dani is your clone, but she’s also kinda her own person? And Dan is your evil self but from the future, so like… would that make him your messed-up son or your weird time-loop dad?

Dick: Horrified Oh my god, are you your own father?

Jason: Looking even more distressed What the fuck is wrong with you people?!

Danny: Ignoring him, looking deep in thought If I am, that explains so much.

Damian: Rubbing his temples I refuse to engage in whatever madness you are trying to create.

Steph: Still giggling So what you’re saying is, Danny flexes again that was actually dad strength?

Bruce: Rubbing his chin, deeply considering If we accept this logic…

Tim: Reluctantly nodding …That tracks more than I want to admit.

Danny: And then there’s Dan. He’s technically me but older and evil. If we follow comic book logic—

Duke: Holding up a hand And we always do.

Danny: —then he’s either my evil future self or my messed-up son who just happens to look exactly like me.

Dick: Shaking his head This is some time travel nonsense, and I hate it.

Jason: Pointing aggressively No. Just—no. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works!

Bruce: Still deep in thought If you follow that logic, then yes, you could have technically developed ‘dad strength’ in an unconventional way.

Jason: Gesturing wildly WHY ARE YOU ENTERTAINING THIS?!

Steph: Still laughing I mean, it makes sense. He has the ‘unexplained parental strength’ thing going on. That’s literally how Bruce works.

Cass: Nods Ghost dad.

Damian: Muttering I hate everything about this conversation.

Tim: Sipping his energy drink, resigned So what you’re saying is… Danny somehow has dad strength through sheer ghost nonsense?

Danny: Grinning smugly And you all doubted me.

Bruce: Looking at Danny, now determined We should train.

Danny: Nearly chokes on his burger Wait, what?

Duke: Cackling Oh, you messed up, dude.

Jason: Still distressed No, what’s messed up is that this twig is somehow stronger than me!

Danny: Still panicked No, seriously, what do you mean ‘train’?

Bruce: Serious Bat glare If you have dad strength, I need to test its limits.

Danny: Slowly realizing what he’s gotten himself into Oh, this was a mistake.

Danny: Eyes widening in realization Oh no.

Bruce: Cracks knuckles Oh yes.

Danny: Immediately tries to bolt Nope! I take it back, I don’t want to test my limits! My limits are good where they are!

Dick: Laughing Oh man, I’ve never seen someone run so fast.

Cass: Shrugs Not fast enough.

Before Danny could even make it three steps, Bruce effortlessly snatched him up like a sack of potatoes and slung him over his shoulder. Danny, who barely weighed 100 pounds soaking wet, didn’t even stand a chance.

Danny: Flailing weakly Noooo! Betrayal! Treachery! Someone help me!

Duke: Filming the entire thing Yeah, I’m helping by recording this.

Jason: Crossing his arms, still fuming You deserve this.

Tim: Nods Yeah, if you’re gonna claim dad strength, you gotta back it up.

Danny: Still squirming It was a joke! I take it back! I’ll admit I cheated or something! Let me goooo!

Bruce: Calmly walking toward the training room Too late. You’ve made a claim. Now we see if it holds up.

Damian: Smirking slightly If he survives, I may consider acknowledging him as competent.

Steph: Wiping away tears of laughter Oh man, I can’t believe Bruce just yeeted him like that.

Cass: Nods Effortless.

Danny: Kicking his legs uselessly I regret everything.

Jason: Watching them disappear down the hallway You know what? I hope Bruce does break him. Maybe that’ll make me feel better.

Duke: Still recording This is my new favorite video.

Dick: Grinning I can’t wait to see how this turns out.

Steph: Still giggling So… when do you think we’ll hear the first scream?

-Two minutes later-

Danny: OH GOD, WHY IS HE SO STRONG?!

@walmart-the-official

Vicki Vale: What do you have to say to rumours that you're having an affair with Bruce Wayne?

Penguin: I never slept with Wayne. He's a kid for Christ sakes.

The Riddler: He's nice enough to look at but I mean, what would we talk about? Everytime I give him a riddle he bursts into tears because it's too hard. I mean... I'd fuck him but nah.

Harley: Brucie? Of course not. He's actually very shy which stems from his habit of self isolation. Also I see him as like a cousin?

Joker: Bruce Wayne? I don't know who that is.

Harvey: I never cheated on my wife. These allegations are false. *Also Two Face: The gavel wasn't the only thing getting banged in the courtroom.