On storytelling: books, collaborative, fairy tales, mysteries, how-to, and such and so on and what have you Call me Bee or Berry or whatever! Pronouns are also whatever
goddddd and i just UGH but also UGHHHHH and aughhhh.... oughhhhhhhhh...... ACK !!! and.... aghhhhhhhh. ughhhhh ! UGH !!!!! and i can't even because AGHHHHHHH. UGHHH
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funny thing about anxiety is sometimes it kind of breaks your sense of danger. like i am known for repeatedly putting myself in situations that make my friends go "bro you couldve died. werent you scared?" and the answer is 👍 yjeah. i did it scared. i do everything scared. i didnt know that was the actual important kind of scary because i usually have to ignore my fears to function in society. it will happen again. watch out.
You know, when I've remarked that a lot of the responses to my posts feel like people are just plucking out keywords they think they recognise based on the shape of them and replying to what they imagine the post says based on that, the possibility never occurred to me that this is actually how many American schools are currently teaching kids to read.
Like, my assumption this whole time has been that when folks go "I misunderstood this post that says [thing] as saying [unrelated thing] because I mistook [word] for [completely different word that happens to start with the same letter]", that was a bit. What do you mean they're teaching kids a reading method that's tailored to produce this exact error?
sometimes abuse victims will think they were/are not being abused. sometimes abuse victims will think it's okay they were/are being abused for whatever reason.
sometimes abuse victims will insist to others that they were/are not being abused. sometimes abuse victims will insist to others that it's okay they were/are being abused for whatever reason.
in fact, leading a victim to believe that what is happening is normal and fine and even good or righteous for whatever reason is a common feature of abuse, whether the abuser did it on purpose or not.
if an abuse victim in your life...
questions whether they were abused
goes back and forth about whether they think they were abused
tells you they weren't being abused, and then later says they were
...these can all be very normal parts of living with abuse trauma and don't mean someone is lying or exaggerating about being abused.
^^^ These are all things I struggled with for years! Still sometimes I have days where I think "it wasn't THAT bad" or "I had it coming" or "but they're not bad people"- but it was still abuse! It still happened, and it was still bad, and even if I DID do something annoying or bad to make them WANT to treat me badly back, that doesn't mean it was okay!
It's difficult to accept, but impossible to move on without accepting.
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Everything that isn't food is a cat from the perspective of a cat. Cats can look upon the true form of eldritch monstrosities and keep their sanity. They'd just see another cat. A fucking weird-looking cat, but a cat nonetheless.
“This reads like fanfiction (it feels like it was written by a preteen, and most of such things posted publicly are fanfic)”
vs
“This reads like fanfiction (it has a focus on character and relationships, like the style of a lot of modern fanfic)”
vs
“This reads like fanfiction (it keeps referencing people and events with the assumption that the audience is already familiar with them, like how fanfic doesn’t need to rehash the source material)”
“This reads like fanfiction (it’s a love story for the ages as long as you can overlook that the author keeps misspelling ‘you're’)”
vs
“This reads like fanfiction (you can tell the author was having a blast writing this and now so do you reading it)”
vs
“This reads like fanfiction (the author is clearly info-dumping about a very niche hobby of theirs that they’re passionate about)”
vs
“This reads like fanfiction (the characters keep getting put in increasingly weirder situations which you’d normally only find in fanfic)”
vs
“This reads like fanfiction (the author felt the need to rehash the characters from when they were first introduced instead of after several years’ worth of character growth)”
vs
“This reads like fanfiction (it feels like it had no editor)”
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atla just so happened to write one of the most insane and complex brother sister relationships in all of television, and yet for some reason everyone focused on zuko and azula instead, even though they are basically just normal siblings, and as such not even that interesting ..
katara and sokka are what happens when you are your brother’s mother and your brother also tries to be your father. you love them, you hate them, you’re half of them, you can’t stand them, you look after them, they keep you safe.
azula and zuko are both just gifted kid burnouts with a dad that only loves the winner.
#yeah when they're not trying to kill each other azula and Zuko are p normal. #katara and sokka on the other hand spent the majority of their childhood trying to raise each other #and were also the ONLY kids in their age group that they ever interacted with. #they are so. they're so. #''i don't remember what my mom looks like I just picture katara'' WHEN HE HAS HIS MOTHER'S FACE. kills me. (@professorsparklepants)
"here's my original character, Man Who Sucks But Loves His Daughter Very Much" and it's a guy who worships at the altar of patriarchal violence and the woman he uses as an excuse and an effigy to absolve him
Please note that making these big analysis posts is not my strong suit, and while all this makes sense in my head, I'm not the greatest at putting everything I wanna say into words. Sorry in advanced if this gets a little messy but pls stick with me here!! 🫡
I wanna thank the amazing @burrythebusy for yapping with me about how gay Kagi is and for letting me borrow some of their points to write about here 🫶 and also for gathering a bunch of panels for me to use 💕💕
Spoilers for chapter 37a
"But he had a girlfriend in middle school!"
No. That is not the end-all-be-all of sexuality. Plenty of people (myself included) have experiences big and small with other genders before realizing that they're gay. People don't get all "but but but!!" towards Miyano's past crush on Makimura, so why can't Kagi have that same grace? Just because a guy dated a girl in the past doesn't mean his gayness is invalidated
From the light novel: (for context: his class is talking about plans for the school festival and they've come to the exciting realizing that girls are gonna be visiting!!)
Not that he particularly wanted a girlfriend at that point anyway. He'd dated someone for a few months during middle school, but it had been nothing but nerves for both of them and had ended awkwardly.
In my honest opinion, I don't think Kagi and Yamada got very far together. I really think that the furthest they went together was that lap pillow. I doubt they ever kissed or anything like that. In the early chaps when Kagi was still trying to grasp what type of relationship he exactly wanted with Hirano, the thought of kissing never crossed his mind till Niibashi brought it up to him. His mind was locked in on that awkward lap pillow experience
Wow look at how dead his eyes look
I commonly use the emojis 😐😑😐 to represent how Kagi was when he had a girlfriend, and it's definitely fitting when you look at him during that time!
I know we haven't seen much of their relationship, and I'm sure they did have some good moments together, but all together, Kagi looks back at that relationship with this sadness that his past self just couldn't identify.
It's like he thinks - something's just off.
And like, he was just a middle schooler when that experience happened!! It's very common for middle schoolers to think they're grown up (they're not) now that they're no longer in elementary school
And what's something adults do? Date!
(Hell, when I first started middle school, one of my friends got her first boyfriend maybe like 3 weeks into the school year! It's not an out of the question thought process for someone in that age group!)
And to look at it beyond that, he lives in a heteronormative society where being lgbtq+ isn't exactly talked about (gay marriage still isn't legal in Japan after all, which is stupid and sucks very much) he's also popular with girls in a sport that's perceived as masculine. He's being pushed to be with this cute girl who's seemingly also popular and is involved with basketball too. It's not hard to believe that he would end up with a girl when that's the experience he's having in middle school. Even when he starts to piece together that something feels off inside, he sticks with it until he eventually gets dumped.
During that period of time, he was told that a lap pillow is a romantic thing that couples do together. He gave it a shot, and... he didn't feel anything special.
So he gave it another shot with Hirano
And what happened?
The difference is night and day:
Back with Yamada, he was so nervous that he couldn't relax at all even with her telling him to put more of his weight on her. Even his friends are laughing at him for not being able to do something seemingly so simple. It's not simple for him is the thing! There's not a single trace of any blush, or even just a smile on his face at all. His eyes look so empty and hollow, which is not a look we're used to seeing on his face
With Hirano however?
Life returns to his eyes, his faced is flushed bright red, he's so overwhelmed with so many new emotions flooding in that he jumps up from Hirano's lap while thinking he's doing something scandalous
This is the chapter, the moment, where he realizes for certain that he's gay
He's in love with Hirano
He's attracted to Hirano
He's in love with a man
He's attracted to a man
He panics after the realization and starts avoiding Hirano. He realized that he's in love with Hirano and attracted to him in a way that he never could be with Yamada. Guilt overwhelms him so much to the point where he can't sleep and has to pass out in the nurses office for half a day cause he's now carrying this unbearable weight of being in love with his probably-straight roommate
The gay experience can honestly be so heartbreaking at times
Luckily things do get better for him, and he even starts dating Hirano! But at the time, he didn't know any of that would happen! He was just a hormonal 16 year old high schooler experiencing his first gay love.
In my eyes, he's gay. Simple as that. I just really can't see him being bi or pan or anything else. He's a gay high schooler on the basketball team who's secretly dating his older roommate.
And I think that's beautiful!
I don't have a good transition for this, but even in the newest chapter, he just does not share the enthusiasm that his teammates have when they see that girls are visiting (and do note that this is before he sees that Yamada's here)
I have two pictures left so...
To answer Yamada's questions: No, they don't know and he hasn't told them
From how it sounds (Kagi answering his teammate with a question mark) he might not know exactly how to label her. He might not wanna tell the others that they used to date. While the chapter still isn't complete at the time of posting (so who knows, I could be proven wrong next month) chances are that the thought of telling never crossed his mind until Yamada questioned him
But what would even be the point of telling his team? (minus Muroi, chances are he knows since he went to the same middle school) He's dating Hirano now (secretly, albeit) so why would he wanna go around talking about a past relationship that was all nerves and didn't feel right to him?
Adding Burry's tags to the post cuz YESSSSSSS they're so important!!!
#PEAKKKK #THANKS FOR PUTTING THIS IN WRITING LETS GOO #i need to say that #my problem w seeing people insist on calling him bi is that narratively and contextually its important that hes not #bc it gives reason for why he acted the way he did up to chapter 16 when it came to confronting his feelings for hirano #his whole breakdown in 8 #explaining his guilt in 16 #like he reacted/acted/thought that way bc he just figured out his sexuality #and by that i mean #it didnt change or get added to #he FIGURED IT OUT #he did not know about his sexuality until hirano and we watch that happen #and ppls reason for him being bi is "he wont care about gender!" like u can choose #or "he had a gf" which. i mean he wasnt into her so i fear that doesnt work #i said this on twitter earlier but #he has been implied not to like girls #which is an important distinction from #he hasn't NOT been implied to like girls #feel me #anyway I'm usually not passionate about sexuality hcs or whatever for unconfirmed characters but #i fear this is just too important and blatant imo #and kagiura is my fav character in all of fiction so i get heated when ppl dont get him #i will eat my words if he ig implies he did like yamada but theres O reason for me to think that #i mean. his reaction to seeing her again was. mild surprise and nothing else. he doesn't every react to girls cheering for him. he dont gaf #THANKS AGAIN FLY WE NEEDED THIS #hirano to kagiura #kagiura akira
From what little we can see of his face here, he just has like this whole heavy "oh..." physique going on. I'm sure he's aware that he's popular (he's gay not blind) and I wouldn't be surprised if this detachment dates back further (aka before he was certain of his feelings for Hirano. Who knows maybe he started being this way late middle school too even when he didn't know what was going on with him)
Ok we're turning this into a thread of examples now 🤗 anyone feel free to add on!!
This is off topic from above, but Burry gave another example when we were yapping that I didn't know how to put in the og post (+ I hit the image limit) I'm just gonna post a screenshot cuz I'm not doing this (spending forever writing) again tonight haha oops
This is the same energy as when Kagi realized that Hirano's thighs are harder than a girls
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I've been meaning to make a post talking about my stroke because y'all got bits and pieces of the recovery but I never actually told the story of HOW it went down and the thing is the type of stroke I had is usually the type young people have and since having mine i've now heard multiple stories of people under 40 having very similar strokes and the scary thing is, is that they didn't get help right away. Because you're young and healthy and sure you feel weird but it'll pass right? but it doesn't, and it gets worse, and by the time you get to the hospital (some people literally take days to go) the deficits are worse and recovery is harder.
so here's a super long post about strokes in general, and mine in particular/what I went through.
So for strokes the signs are abbreviated BE FAST. Balance loss, Eyesight changes, Face drooping, Arm weakness, Speech difficulty, -> Time to call 911.
Had I known those MAYBE I would have figured it out but my symptoms were a little mixed. I was reading (fanfic!) in bed because it was a sunday morning and i had nothing pressing to do and suddenly got dizzy. I put my laptop aside because my eyes were blurring (Eyesight changes - symptom #1), and laid down, thinking it would pass, it didn't, it's a little vague how it progressed because I'd been having headaches and neckpain for about 3 weeks leading up to it so I was like 'idk is this a migraine?' (headaches can be a stroke symptom so symptom #2) but i got nauseous and eventually got up and to my utmost surprise I immediately fell over as if I was the drunkest of frat bros. The room literally spun before my eyes as I fell to the floor (Balance loss - symptom #3). I have had some Nights and I had never been that unsteady before. I crawled my way to the bathroom, threw up (nausea - not a common stroke symptom) , took 800mg of ibuprofen, and crawled back to bed.
if you know anything about ibuprofen you might know it's a mild blood thinner and that's a high dose. I may have inadvertently helped myself with that one. I was just feeling like shit and thinking 'idk this might help'
At this point I still thought we were still in Normal Land. Sure, it was a weird morning, but Surely There Was A Reason. (Yes There Was) Anyway, as I'm lying there willing my body to stop suffering I realize my arm is going numb (stroke symptom #4) and I switch positions, because weird, but it doesn't go away, and I gave it a good little while. I'm on a medication that can make my limbs tingle but it usually just does it to my fingers and it dissipates quickly but this wasn't dissipating, and then I realized one of my legs was also going numb. Then one side of my face is going numb.
(at the time I did not look in the mirror but I had a drooping eyelid - symptom #5)
Those all seem bad. I grab my computer and google 'when to go to the hospital for dizzyness' as that felt like the worst of my problems. and indeed the list I found highlighted that if you are also experiencing loss of balance, blurred vision, nausea, and limb numbness, you should see a doctor. That seems like far too many symptoms to be having all to be listed. I grab my phone (thankfully plugged in and by my bed), and start layering on more clothing because it's about 10 degrees out and i'm in a pajama dress. The very nice man at 911 talks with me and sends an ambulance, I tell him I don't think I can get out the front door of my building on my own and he asks if I can get to MY apartment door to which I say yes and he assures me that's fine they will have keys to my building.
(I have been since informed they love to chop down doors but no, I could get that far)
I wait by my door laying down on the ground and they arrive pretty quickly. They see to me in the hallway, which is more of a lobby in my building and the only place with room for me to lie down (I cannot stand unassisted at this point) they ask me a bunch of questions, take vitals, and ask me where I would like to be taken. Me, having never had to go to the fucking hospital in an emergency before, simply go 'wherever is close' because I again, I am having a stroke and do not have the wherewithal to think through these things.
A big firefighter helps me down the stairs (it's only a half flight and I still almost did not make it) and we get underway.
At the hospital they wheel me into triage and I mostly lie there gratefully and answer some questions and respond to some tests (grip strength, following a pen with my eyes, that sort of thing) and then I hear what is great when you've been at urgent care for two hours but what is Very Bad when you just arrived in an ambulance and that's 'She's next'. I jumped the line for a CT scan and an MRI. I was there less than ten minutes before I was actively being scanned. honestly closer to five.
my active symptoms seem to have been worse than some of the stories I've heard, not being able to walk AT ALL in particular, although some other are pretty equal (Footless Jo on youtube had a stroke around the same time I did of the same type and has discussed hers, she delayed going in despite the severity for a variety of reasons and it sounds like her recovery has been difficult) My recovery was pretty easy because i was actively being cared for and on blood thinners right away. My stroke was caused by an vertebral arterial tear, aka the inner part of an artery tore which can cause a clot. This tends to be the type of stroke young people have although I'm sure it's possible to have a different type.
I was pretty out of it in the beginning, but I was only in the hospital for 6 days and then in a rehab for another 4 to relearn how to walk and balance, then i was released unto the world and just spent time going to physical therapy and recovering for awhile. I was out of work for about 8 weeks total. I basically had the best outcome for a stroke. I recovered almost fully back to 100% (I'm about 2% less sure footed than I used to be, but it's rarely noticeable), my face still feels a little weird but has markedly improved so I live in hope it will eventually get back to normal. It massively sucked. But strokes can fuck you up for life and I came out a weird medical story to tell and have to take some extra medication now/precautions to take (i cannot do certain types of yoga, no weightlifting, no push ups, no going on rollercoasters.... things that could strain my neck essentially) but overall I escaped very lucky.
tangentwithtanner
prguitarman
