Books and Berries

"But he had a girlfriend in middle school!"

No. That is not the end-all-be-all of sexuality. Plenty of people (myself included) have experiences big and small with other genders before realizing that they're gay. People don't get all "but but but!!" towards Miyano's past crush on Makimura, so why can't Kagi have that same grace? Just because a guy dated a girl in the past doesn't mean his gayness is invalidated

From the light novel: (for context: his class is talking about plans for the school festival and they've come to the exciting realizing that girls are gonna be visiting!!)

Not that he particularly wanted a girlfriend at that point anyway. He'd dated someone for a few months during middle school, but it had been nothing but nerves for both of them and had ended awkwardly.

In my honest opinion, I don't think Kagi and Yamada got very far together. I really think that the furthest they went together was that lap pillow. I doubt they ever kissed or anything like that. In the early chaps when Kagi was still trying to grasp what type of relationship he exactly wanted with Hirano, the thought of kissing never crossed his mind till Niibashi brought it up to him. His mind was locked in on that awkward lap pillow experience

Wow look at how dead his eyes look

I commonly use the emojis 😐😑😐 to represent how Kagi was when he had a girlfriend, and it's definitely fitting when you look at him during that time!

I know we haven't seen much of their relationship, and I'm sure they did have some good moments together, but all together, Kagi looks back at that relationship with this sadness that his past self just couldn't identify.

It's like he thinks - something's just off.

And like, he was just a middle schooler when that experience happened!! It's very common for middle schoolers to think they're grown up (they're not) now that they're no longer in elementary school

And what's something adults do? Date!

(Hell, when I first started middle school, one of my friends got her first boyfriend maybe like 3 weeks into the school year! It's not an out of the question thought process for someone in that age group!)

And to look at it beyond that, he lives in a heteronormative society where being lgbtq+ isn't exactly talked about (gay marriage still isn't legal in Japan after all, which is stupid and sucks very much) he's also popular with girls in a sport that's perceived as masculine. He's being pushed to be with this cute girl who's seemingly also popular and is involved with basketball too. It's not hard to believe that he would end up with a girl when that's the experience he's having in middle school. Even when he starts to piece together that something feels off inside, he sticks with it until he eventually gets dumped.

During that period of time, he was told that a lap pillow is a romantic thing that couples do together. He gave it a shot, and... he didn't feel anything special.

So he gave it another shot with Hirano

And what happened?

The difference is night and day:

Back with Yamada, he was so nervous that he couldn't relax at all even with her telling him to put more of his weight on her. Even his friends are laughing at him for not being able to do something seemingly so simple. It's not simple for him is the thing! There's not a single trace of any blush, or even just a smile on his face at all. His eyes look so empty and hollow, which is not a look we're used to seeing on his face

With Hirano however?

Life returns to his eyes, his faced is flushed bright red, he's so overwhelmed with so many new emotions flooding in that he jumps up from Hirano's lap while thinking he's doing something scandalous

This is the chapter, the moment, where he realizes for certain that he's gay

He's in love with Hirano

He's attracted to Hirano

He's in love with a man

He's attracted to a man

He panics after the realization and starts avoiding Hirano. He realized that he's in love with Hirano and attracted to him in a way that he never could be with Yamada. Guilt overwhelms him so much to the point where he can't sleep and has to pass out in the nurses office for half a day cause he's now carrying this unbearable weight of being in love with his probably-straight roommate

The gay experience can honestly be so heartbreaking at times

Luckily things do get better for him, and he even starts dating Hirano! But at the time, he didn't know any of that would happen! He was just a hormonal 16 year old high schooler experiencing his first gay love.

In my eyes, he's gay. Simple as that. I just really can't see him being bi or pan or anything else. He's a gay high schooler on the basketball team who's secretly dating his older roommate.

And I think that's beautiful!

I don't have a good transition for this, but even in the newest chapter, he just does not share the enthusiasm that his teammates have when they see that girls are visiting (and do note that this is before he sees that Yamada's here)

I have two pictures left so...

To answer Yamada's questions: No, they don't know and he hasn't told them

From how it sounds (Kagi answering his teammate with a question mark) he might not know exactly how to label her. He might not wanna tell the others that they used to date. While the chapter still isn't complete at the time of posting (so who knows, I could be proven wrong next month) chances are that the thought of telling never crossed his mind until Yamada questioned him