now i’m just a basket case

You’d think it’d teach my students a thing or two about abstinence and yet there is still two teen moms in my classes. And I have a neighbor but I don’t expect her to baby sit him whenever I need time to myself. Babysitters are obscenely expensive right now. My parents still live in Michigan. So short answer, not really.

The others will learn from the mistakes and humiliation of their peers, probably. I guess it’s a good thing that daycare was invented. And energy drinks. 

Right on cue with the sarcasm. If you’re gonna be an asshole and not even be creative about it, how about you turn around an—Christ, you reek of weed.

Me, sarcastic? I would never. I mean, I obviously care a lot about the fact that you’re suffering and can’t get a decent cup of coffee, sweetheart. It’s like... All I care about. I think about it day and night. I can’t eat, sleep, drink - nothing, until I know you have your Kenyan shit. 

I smell wonderful, thank you very much. Like fucking roses and shit. 

For some reason, he doesn’t really like it when I talk about my boyfriend, but I guess that makes sense! I’m Cecile, by the way, but you can call me Cece for short. Thanks for all the help; I just really want these kids to like me. They say teenagers are gonna be hard to handle, but so far they’ve all been really cool.

You don’t say. Well isn’t that odd? Maybe you can rephrase it - you could say, like, “oh well if a guy was to take me out on a date, then he should take me to this restaurant.” Then you can still give him good advice without alienating him and mentioning your boyfriend. And you know, phrasing it that way makes it easier for them to follow it, I think. I’m Luca and you can just not call me by that name because I’m not about being familiar with anyone in this shit town. You just got to get to their level. You know, let them call you by that adorable nickname of yours. I’m sure that they’ll like you more that way. 

Right? It sounds really sweet, and he just looks so excited to tell me all about it. Reminds me of the type of stuff my boyfriend would do for me. He’s a total sweetheart.

How utterly romantic. You should give this guy some suggestions, maybe something your sweet little boyfriend might do for you. Like what your favorite restaurant is, and what your favorite movie is. Things like that. I’m sure it would really help your student create the perfect date. 

You might think that but when you have a five year old who is running around all day and night, a full nights rest is something you desperately wish for. But I can confirm I have the severe caffeine addiction.

Point made. That makes a real good argument for celibacy. Nothing like a pint-sized demon monopolizing your time to keep you from sticking it everywhere. You don’t have anyone to dump junior on just to get a little rest or anything?

I have too much work to do, unfortunately collapsing isn’t an option. I’ll just make another cup of coffee. And the only people who think sleep is for the weak are teenagers who doesn’t understand how valuable a full nights rest is.

Whatever you say. A full night’s rest is overrated. Practically no one in our generation gets that on a regular basis anyway. That’s how half of us end up insomniacs with a severe caffeine addiction.

And yet you’re probably one of the most profound people I’ve ever met.

That’s…sweet. But you know, people usually use other people to feel special these days. If you ever wanted to get with the times, I’m free for red vines and poetic ramblings.

You haven’t met very many people then. 

Maybe I didn’t. Then again, maybe I did. You ever think about that?

A genius are we? Sounds like somebody earned all their gold stars in kindergarten.

No, but then again I rarely really think.