my love for you is like the moon; it controls the tides somehow through a mechanism i don’t entirely understand

my love for you is like a rose; edible except for the thorns and root system

my love for you is like a wildfire; strengthened by climate change and capable of moving at nearly 15 miles per hour

my love for you is like the Titanic; responsible for the deaths of thousands in 1912, and weirdly, at least one billionaire in 2023

"tumblr humor is only funny to tumblr users" NOT true. those bitches on pinterest love us.

i think we shouod terraform earth to make it completely flat because itd be fun

i meant completely smooth but flat it actuwlly funnier

new flat earth thearoy: we could do it

I truly hate the word "unalive." There are so many other euphemisms that fictional Italian mobsters worked so hard to provide you with and you just ignore them.

"Joined the great majority" is a good one that I practically never hear.

Heard another good one in an old radio drama the other day - "He slipped out of my arms and stopped paying taxes."

i am NOT a bite risk. do not listen to them

im a bite guarantee

fuck my stupid gay life i drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was DRY 😭😭😭

I love seasonal fruits they're like girl we're back lol

happy pride month

my doctor told me i have to do PT this fucking sucks

these exercises are sooo monotonous like i keep walking down the same hallway over and over 🙄

who was that.

the fucking fetus in the sink won't accept my insurance

i love ppl who talk in the tags bc it satisfies my deep desire to know ppl’s opinions on everything without needing to have a conversation with them and ask. even better when it’s a side tangent that barely has anything to do with the post, or a personal anecdote, or a joke. tag talker mutuals you’re my favorite. tag talkers rise up

I am a huge fan of retiring to my quarters

In this economy you'll be lucky to retire to your nickels