Juniper Silva

American womanhood is culturally exclusionary because it's tied to genital sex. American manhood isn't inherently exclusionary, it just has chronic and copious narrow standards. You can lose status and still be a "guy". Lose or lack of womanhood status results in dehumanization.

Ok so I think I may have just accidentally outed myself to my mother and idk what to do and I wasn’t emotionally ready for this so I’m kinda low key panicking.

This all started while listening to music after work and breaking down balling my eyes out this morning. I feel I just had a massive internal shift that feels like I have vertigo, but it’s big on rewiring my emotional map. I guess the grief I’m experiencing is Ambiguous Loss. This is apparently the pain of grieving parents who are still physically alive but emotionally "gone" or incapable of providing the stability and unconditional love I needed. Having an Anxious Attachment style made home a place where I always sought safety. Renting a room at my roommate Mike's place broke that shit, making my relationship with my parents shift from the source of safety to complex friends or roommates I guess. I'm now at a stage where I’m the "parent" to my parents. preparing for their retirement while still mourning the fact that they couldn't give what I needed and accepting that. The disoriented feeling I had is apparently the result of survival mode turning off and the reality of my independence sinking in. I’m earning my security! Just by seeing them as flawed people instead of Home. I can stop being in their chaotic story and start doing my own thing. This clarity feels so huge. There was a moment of energy but I chilled out instead of doing something dumb in excitement. Woah what a morning lol.

Sleep has been getting better. Melatonin is working pretty well. Surprised so many take such high doses when most only need at most 1mg.

Tourette’s is a neurological disorder that causes involuntary tics, which can be movements or sounds. A small subset of people with Tourette’s, about 10 to 15 percent, experience coprolalia, which makes them blurt out socially taboo or offensive words without intending to. These words come from the brain misfiring, not from a choice or personal belief. Coprolalia does not pull from words a person actively uses. It only draws from words they know, meaning someone is not going to involuntarily say a slur they do not know or use words from another language they do not know. The psychological mechanism behind this is that taboo or emotionally charged words are highly salient in the brain, so in situations where a word is socially or emotionally charged, like the n-word being said in front of a Black person, it becomes more likely to surface involuntarily, similar to how people are more likely to joke about or panic-say “bomb” at airports. Demanding that someone with coprolalia apologize for words their brain forces them to say is abusive because it asks them to take moral responsibility for something they cannot control. It is a form of victim blaming, placing an impossible emotional and cognitive burden on them while misunderstanding how the condition actually works.