#weaponized incompetence

inevitably you will then think back about the nights you used to lie awake in bed, butterflies in your stomach fantasizing about this new guy you met, that you hardly knew by then, imagining how he *could* be, on all the fun dates you would go, the sweet things he'd say to you and the fancy restaurant you'd visit for dinner.

you'd think about the beautiful dresses you would pick out for the occasion and didn't think you'd have to tell him what to wear or that he would maybe out of laziness just show up with jogging pants. you didn't think about all the times the dishes might pile up in the sink or the random socks lying around or eventually having to scrub off the shit stains he leaves on the toilet because he can't even manage to clean up after himself.

and he might tell you that this is just because he has gotten comfortable with you and this has nothing to do with him taking you for granted but I'm telling you that he just doesn't care.

i am tired of hearing work colleagues and friends talk about what they do for their men and laughing about it because it's so normalized that they don't second guess it. I don't wanna hear about how you have to cut up vegetables so small that you can mix it in his spaghetti sauce so he doesn't notice because he refuses to eat those and otherwise wouldn't get his necessary vitamins, i am tired of them talking about how their men fail to complete daily task and give the mental load to their girlfriends/wives and they try to talk it into something positive like: He just told me to manage his [feel free to insert anything here] and I agreed - like at least i can do it how I want it to be done and don't have to second-check after he completes the task. Like... in some kind of way I feel more relieved because when I do it myself I know it's gonna turn out the way it should! " (weaponized incompetence much?)

"I'm bad at communicating my feelings-" learn it then.

"I constantly lose friends because I don't keep up with them-" make an effort.

"I just have terrible emotional regulation-" self-reflect. Get better.

"Sorry I'm always late-" improve your time management strategies.

"Everytime I meet this person they make me feel awful-" don't meet them anymore. I know it's hard, do it anyway.

"My relationship with my partner is suffering because I never talk to them about what I need and want-" they can't read your mind. Learn to talk.

If you are an adult, you can learn how to handle your own feelings. Sit down, write it down, self-reflect, make strategies. Seek change. Better yourself.

Weaponized emotional incompetence, where you expect people around you to handle your issues without ever trying to change, isn't the way to go. You have agency, use it.

Please let me know if I need to resend this with pictures edited and usernames blacked out.

[PT: Every time someone talks about weaponized incompetence, they always end up saying something wildly ableist.]

[PT: Disabled women are still expected to keep the house running. Maybe if he can’t meet her standards he should do the right thing and leave, instead of causing stress everyday. Divorced mothers often say they’re less stressed because the dependent they were sleeping with was finally out of the house.]

[PT: I can’t tell if you’re agreeing or disagreeing with me. Like, yes? You almost got the point of my comment? If you’re not careful how you discuss things like weaponized incompetence, you just add to the idea that disabled people must perform above and beyond]

I initially thought they were maybe agreeing with me and pointing out how women are also affected by expectations of exceptionalism. I was confused if I’d misread the comment or not.

[PT: I’m saying there is still a double standard when it comes to men and women, and that women who don’t want a man who makes their lives harder, especially since women, too, can be disabled. It’s not about what a partner does, it’s about a pattern of neglect that is excused in men because the standards of hygiene and home care are lowered by the expectation that men are not good at chores. Which may be convenient for a disabled man, but a disabled woman does not have the luxury of doing something badly and being able to turn around and say, “well, I tried, now you do it. You’re so much better at it than me.”]

I’m genuinely confused and tying my head in knots trying to figure out how to articulate what this is - if it’s ableism, anti-masculinity, misogyny - and why it is.

I know I had a lot of screenshots, but I added plaintext. If I need to redo that too, please let me know

This is androableism. "Maybe if he can’t meet her standards he should do the right thing and leave, instead of causing stress everyday." Fucking hell, what an ableist thing to say. Disabled men don't need to leave a relationship just because they can't match their partner.

"Which may be convenient for a disabled man" a man getting judged, often yelled at or treated with passive aggressiveness, and belittled for being a "failure of a man" isn't experiencing convenience.

Yes, disabled women who are housekeepers are unfairly expected to upkeep households to the same standard as abled women. Yes, disabled women who are the moneymakers are unfairly expected to perform at work to the same standard as their abled coworkers.

But also, yes, disabled men are also expected the same thing if they are housekeepers or moneymakers. That commenters androableist statement alone literally proves as much. Because ableism and toxic masculinity can intersect.

Many of these men accused of weaponized incompetence are disabled and just undiagnosed. "No, no, my ex/husband/boyfriend/brother/son/friend/roommate/etc is clearly abled!" I never said visibly disabled. Many of them are suffering from chronic pain/exhaustion or executive dysfunction.

Hell, I've even seen diagnosed men get accused of weaponized incompetence. No, I assure you (general you), your husband having a depressive episode isn't trying to spite you. Your boyfriend with ADHD isn't trying to forget to do chores. Your son with fibromyalgia isn't trying to be lazy and whine about getting up, they're just in a lot of pain at the moment.

Weaponized incompetence is a real thing, in which you psychologically abuse someone by going out of your way to do something poorly, or claiming you don't know how to do something that you have shown time and time again to know. And it definitely isn't gender specific. But people need to be careful about when they accuse someone of weaponized incompetence, because some disabilities make someone genuinely struggle to do things well, or can even cause temporary memory loss or skill regression in some cases.