Cat

Resilience.

Find my mask. Pretend everything is okay.

I've worked so hard at letting the coping mechanism step aside, but today is a day to say no, I need that mechanism. Just for work, not for home. But I have to get through this working week - and get through it well.

It will all be ok.

I booked an appointment with the GP next week to request a referral to the child development team for autism testing for Lucie. I'm not certain. I am certain she has sensory processing issues. The other things I see may stem from that, or they may all stem from something bigger. The waitlist is a couple of years, and I don't think I'm in a rush. But we have to have her on it before she's 12, so we start now.

Other days I feel so lost. How do I even mum a 12yr old that chose to live with her dad? How do I mum the 10yr old that just needs her family around her when I broke that family in half?

I know I made the best decisions that I could. But it's still hard to see the fallout of those decisions and how much everyone got hurt. To be here three years later and still wish that there'd been a different way. A way that didn't break everyone's hearts like this did.

There wasn't. I know there wasn't.

Who is me, though? Britt asked. Actually she asked what I liked about myself, but it sits right beside "who do you identify as?" as questions I found really hard to answer. Which is interesting, because actually the last 3 years have very much been about solidifying and clarifying and understanding who I am. But ultimately, that leads to "I'm just me." Not "I'm a travel agent" or "I'm a dancer" or "I'm a mum". All of which are solidly factual. But I'm just me. Slightly weird, good at caring for people, highly resilient but learning to be soft with myself too, way too gabby and a bit of a gossip, bossy but well intentioned, tendency to see solutions as my way or the highway. Averse to upsetting some people, happy to be blunt with others. Good at friending but also sometimes misses correct social pacts and makes it weird or awkward or upsetting unintentionally. Honest. Accepting without judgement. Music I can sing, dance, or both to feeds my soul. Zero guilty pleasures because we don't feel guilty about the shit that makes us happy. Rainbows and sparkles and pretty boots and leather jackets and carebear patches if I ever manage to sew them on. Whimsy and polka dots and flower stickers and photos of all the best people. I know God exists the same way I know the sky is blue. I hibernate, I'm not a great housekeeper, I procrastinate and avoid. I welcome my friends any time anyway. I overthink but I also take other people into consideration with every single decision. I'm confident in me, and my choices. Except when it comes to the kids, because I continue to feel very uncertain about parenting and probably will until they're both fully developed adults with, hopefully, some idea about how to navigate the world they grow up into, whatever that may look like. I am a do-er and an enabler, the person that moves the suggestion from the chat to reality. I'm curious to the point of nosy, and I have the sweetest tooth in the family. I mix alone time with people time. I am a feet in the water person, and a big landscapes person. Lift thine eyes to the hills. Rainbows are a sign of hope, a promise that it will all be okay, eventually, somehow. And rainbows make me smile. I draw my lines in the sand and hold them, and I don't break promises - nor do I make promises unless I'm sure I can keep them. I'm open, probably too open, and generally honest, and lying really gets under my skin. I snap more than I'd like, and I hug as often as I get the chance. I love turquoise, and whatever colour my hair is right now. I'm reliable, and highly practical - sometimes too practical and not enough empathy. I also need reliability and stability and a reasonable sense of routine to get me through life without curling up in a corner sobbing. I don't cry, unless it's about the kids, I just curl up and hide. I bawl for the kids' heartbreak and I sob when trying to mum just gets too much. I prefer life without a romantic partner. I've got everything I need in my friends. If you're one of my people, there is very little I wouldn't do for you. I'm learning about boundaries still. And unlearning endless giving of self with no balance. I like to wear twirly dresses, but not makeup. Yet.

The questions we wandered around though.... Oof.

The work in my headspace has affected how much space I've had for my kids too. I don't love that. I need work to be an easy place to be, I really do. And it has been, but right now it isn't. It helps when the world isn't so destabilised though. And who knows when stability will reappear at this rate. Onwards, onwards, one step at a time.

I did go to ballet. I'm not sure if it helped.

I am really finding work a massive challenge this month. I have a break in August but I needed it to be in July. But everyone else was away in July. I've never been so tempted to walk away, between all the various things that are going on. I don't think it's the sensible move and I am trying to stay positive and trust the process but it is really pushing my limits right now.

We have our delayed planning meeting tomorrow week, and I am tired and not in the mood for playing nice. I need to think pretty carefully.

I want to cry but I don't know why.

I still love my hair so much. She did a beautiful job with it, the colour and the way it's been applied is all absolutely perfect.

I'm going to step counselling up to fortnightly for a bit if I can. Three weeks that feels like three months is too long. I'm hiding it well but I'm hanging on by a thread most of the time.

Maybe I just need more sleep.

My best friend is moving to Sydney in less than four weeks. I sat down yesterday with her and helped her work out a plan. The things we do for the people we love.

I went to the physio today. She told me to activate my core to hold my pelvis in better alignment and I inwardly rolled my eyes at myself so hard because that is not new information to me and yet somehow I always just forget it's a thing. I went in with solid planning for my low, random capacity for follow through and she listened and worked with me on it. I'm not expecting rapid, immediate improvement because I'm not likely to put in that level of energy. I just wanted someone to tell me what's wrong and what the most useful things are I can do to help it and I'll work on it in my own time as I can. I do a little bit of exercise most days, and now I can target that little bit better than I have been.

If someone could send me a large immediate payment holiday booking to make my month work out, that would be greatly appreciated. I know how tired I am but I don't want this month to let me down anyway. I want to stay solid and head into August feeling comfortable. I am really trying to turn it around but I just can't seem to find the right brainspace to relax into it.