Cat

Parenting is hard.

It's harder when your kid steps away from you. It's harder when your kid seems open and cheery but you can't find a way into the important conversations but you are pretty sure she's not as okay as she says she is. It's hard when your kids are twisty and you're still trying to find a way through. It's hard when nobody else can help because their kids aren't twisty like yours.

I may not think I'm the best person for the job but it is still my job and I'm still trying my hardest to do it well.

I'm just struggling to see how.

I guess at least I'm not just rolling along saying it's fine while the tears tumble all around me.

@millerflintstone I've had this since 2020. It squeaks but its very solid.

I need a boss that both sees us and correspondingly actually treats us as capable adults.

If I didn't have a mortgage I would be very seriously looking at moving to independent agent life right now. She mostly leaves me alone because I push back or ignore her but she just won't see people as adults and I actually don't want to work for someone like that. I'll stay where I am for the moment because I don't have other options that suit me and I make enough money to get away with doing things my way but..

I'm not a movie-watcher. I have (over time) watched more than you'd think, but almost all of those were either when I was a kid, or with Pete, who IS a movie-watcher. Most of them are no longer in my brain. These days the only thing I'll really sit and watch is a musical (on stage - on screen).

So...not favourites necessarily but I guess the first 10 I can think of that I've even sat through/would consider watching again...

With Chloe though, we had some real bad times but there were still the good moments. Giggling over something she'd seen, singing at each other in the kitchen, the quiet bedtime hours, making cakes, rolling eyes at each other, 'did you see? Did you hear? Mama, my friend told me... no mama you can't dance like that!'. Even on the worst days there'd be a moment or two like that.

I'm not okay about other things about it and that makes me sad too.

I'm hiding it well. Even from myself. But deep inside there somewhere

I'm really sad about it all.

People keep telling us how well Pete & I are handling everything and how impressed they are with the way we work together to make sure the kids get where they need to be and we get where we need to be to support them and so on.

We switched out the pigtails and it looked absolutely gorgeous. She came second, danced beautifully and deserved her medal and I'm so glad she got it. She drives her teacher nuts reasonably often but the moments make it worth it.

Our space used to be the hour before her bedtime. Lights off, sitting quietly, just talk about whatever. Screens were gone, distractions were gone. Sometimes we'd just name taylor swift songs for an hour. Often she'd talk herself out via whatever was on her mind. It was her time. Proper touch grass together time. A time when she could be vulnerable or frustrated or questioning or just saying things she needed to say as her mind quieted down for the night,

I get one catch up a week now that's just us (all the others are when Lucie is also here), and it's right after school and at Pete's so she's tired, hungry, and crashing after school. And that is what it is and it's fine, but, we still need a space that's just open for her to be. Without the screens that are so ever present at Pete's.