#aging parents

I wanted to appreciate our time together. I didn’t invite her to visit just to wish she would go home.

But I really did not enjoy her company.

At ninety-two, she’s a shadow of the person she used to be. She’s now a boatload of work in all new ways, requiring far more time and attention, but I felt more detached around her than I ever have.

She can’t truly hear me, doesn’t remember anything any more, and repeats herself constantly. It’s really not easy to feel a connection.

I stuck it out. I spent hours sitting outside with her, talking, yet almost none of it was original or meaningful. It was constant small talk, reminding her who is doing what and where they are now, over and over, day after day.

So little of the visit was valuable time spent together.

I just wanted to take a minute this Christmas season to talk about my mother-in-law. I think a lot of the times it comes across like she is my cross to bear because this is a place where I vent. But I’d like you guys to know her as a human being.

Whenever we are admitted at the hospital, they ask if she is retired and she says yes. A lot of people might think that she never worked, but she raised five kids by herself a lot of the time while her husband was overseas in the Air Force and then when her children faced difficulties, she raised a lot of her grandchildren.

We moved in with her a decade ago, so she could stay in her house in the country (and to help us save money!) and at that point, her great granddaughter spent the majority of the day with her while her single mom worked. So I got to help raise the great granddaughter for the first eight or so years of her life before Covid and I got to see my mother-in-law in action as she took care of Aniya while she was in her late 70s and early 80s.

My mother-in-law can cook. When the physical therapist at the hospital asked her things she likes to do and that she wish she could still do—she said the things she misses most is being able to stand at the stove and cook. And like my grandma when I think back on memories of my mother-in-law, a lot of them are in the kitchen . She is known in the family for her macaroni and cheese, and for her ambrosia at Christmas, and for her peanut butter bars at Christmas. I like to experiment with all different kinds of chili and I still have to tell you that hers is the best.

Like all mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law we have had our ups and downs. During the last couple of months while we have been in each other‘s company almost 24 seven while I take care of her there have been some rocky moments, but there have also been giggles and hugs and shared tears both happy and sad.

And while this Christmas has been enjoyable for me in some ways while she’s in the hospital because I can do things that I couldn’t do if the house was full of family, it feels empty without her.

I’ve included pictures of her when she was younger because I know now at my age I still think of myself as the person I was in college and I’ll bet you those pictures of her above are who she is in her head. When you visit your older relatives try to remember that, though their memory might be failing and they seem confused that they are still that person.

So I just wanted to take a minute of this Christmas season to give you a picture of who she is and take a moment myself to think about it.

We miss you, mama. 

my dad died suddenly in december of 2020

my mom's phone died suddenly this morning

when she emailed us (her kids) from her computer to tell us

of course the formerly-joint email address is still in his name

so i just got an email from my dead father about my mother's dead phone

i can't ask her to change it but god it jumpscares me every time

she has a minor but significant surgery in a week and i'm not able to be there but two of my sisters will be and it's fine but

life goes on and it's weird and i wish she'd put their email address into her own name but i can't be mad that she hasn't

I will be seeing my parents for the first time in over a decade, because they are falling apart and dying to various degrees, and none of this is gonna be any fuckin fun but at least weed is legal there, I'm still gonna try to work a few hours, and I'm driving so I'll be able to get the fuck out whenever I need.

The trip will be about two weeks.

The Curl of Time

Today at Longreads, Sarah Stankorb confronts a lifetime of literally outrunning her angry, alcoholic father as she attempts to find care for him and her mother, both of whom are struggling with dementia. 

Each evening until I moved off for college, my father drunkenly slurred and screamed, chasing me around the house until I caged myself in my room and he pounded outside. I’d stayed there safe, until his attention refocused on my mother, then I’d run out and draw his anger toward me again. I was faster, could outrun him.

Constance - Spiritbox (2021) dir. Dylan Hryciuk