indiscernible from john f kennedy (porous skull)

you have a disgusting storytelling addiction

the other day all my coworkers were talking about the various wack diets they're on and I went "nahhhh I'm on the Seafood Diet" and the lady next to me goes "oh, what's that?" and i was so shocked by actually getting a chance to deliver the punchline on that ancient gag that i barely even remembered to say it

I DONT CARE HOW MANY BEDS THERE WERE. WHAT IS YOUR BOOK ABOUT

(tearfully) w- working at the mattress store

i'm so fucking sorry. can you ever forgive me

the issue with 2:15 is thats already 4 pm

Yahhh I have to build Rome. Yup it’s due tomorrow.. noo I haven’t started yet haha is that bad?

The "Have you been here?" blog is the best gimmick blog because every post is like "Have you been to this remote convenience store in northeastern Latvia?" and the results are 99.9% no's but then you open the notes and there's 3-5 Latvians losing their absolute minds

For a city to be walkable. It must also be sittable.

women arent complicated youre just dumb

the reason that wounds that break the skin hurt is because its always supposed to be dark inside your body and when your blood sees sunlight for the first time it gets scared. and that causes the pain. or maybe it doesnt

"Whimsy" is truly a wretched term. What maketh thee so carefree?

thy mother

Art thou for fucking real

tuesday status?

yup. its tuesday 👍

copy. tuesday confirmed ✅ engaging tuesday protocol

listen to me, this is so so important: you've gotta get used to really giving it your 60% as a default. like don't half-ass it necessarily but try not to go over 70% or so of an ass. you'll feel better and live a happier more fulfilled life, and on the rare occasions where you do need to lock the fuck in you'll be able to pull off bullshit that the sad miserable wretches giving it their 100% can never dream of, because they're busy draining themselves dry and you have energy reserves to spare.

getting kicked off love island for just swimming in the pool and not talking to anyone

Enemies to "I accidentally came across you while you were vulnerable and scared and I'm not a total asshole so I tried to help you" to "accidental mutual uncovering of softer sides and vulnerabilities" to "I can't be mean to you anymore, not out of pity but because it would feel weird betraying that brief truce we had" to "Fine I'll make an effort to be nice to you now I guess" to "actually now that we're not actively hating each other you're not so bad I guess" to "i think we're friends but I'm not going to say that because I'm afraid you're not gonna feel the same way" to "oh you also think we're friends? Great" to lovers

Ngl every time someone adds a comment or tag that says "remove the to lovers part and this is perfect" I'm like. Yeah you're right. Weakest part of the post honestly. Consider it removed.

Consider this an aroace post now.