YOUR ALIEN OVERLORD

Alien: 𝘉𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘯'𝘴 𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘤 "Human!!! I am DYING."

Human: "What? Hubert, is this you being dramatic again?"

Alien: "No! I- I ate some of your yellow squares out of the fridge-"

Human: "You ate my food??"

Alien: "- and- and it was really good in the moment, but, I can- I can FEEL IT."

Human: ".... I mean, I brought pineapple, but I don't see how that would-"

Human: "Wait. Ohhhhhh."

Alien: "What? Am I dying? I told you I was dying."

Human: "No, no, you'll be fine in like, ten minutes. Pineapple just does that.

Human: "See, it kind of eats you from the inside out. That's why your tongue gets all... ouchies. I guess you can feel it traveling through your digestive track?"

Alien: 𝘚𝘵𝘶𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦

Human: "But don't worry, you'll be fine. It can't eat you all the way."

None of the humans were prepared for this.

The humans prepared for decades- for centuries! to contact life out in the black, and be judged harshly for their past. To be judged and found wanting.

The aliens, almost to the one, seemed delighted with humanity and everything they entailed. Good, bad, and ugly.

“You see, we heard you calling out for long, long, long… we could not find where you called out from. Now we have! You called for so long, and now we meet you! It is good to know you! We have tried so hard to find you and say, Hello!”

Aliens reacting to our wildlife.

Because, god, if they think we're Space Orcs, wait until they see the shit that could scare or amaze us.

Like:

Alien: "Human, I was looking over my notes..."

Human: "I have a name-"

Alien: "Your closest living ancestors are of the genus Pan, yes? These "Chimpanzee" and "Bonobo" creatures."

Human: "Uh, yeah. Funny story, they wouldn't be living nowadays if it wasn't for NATO signing the ENCR Preservation Act-"

Alien: "In 2031, yes, I know, that's not what gets me. What gets me is, uh...I was unaware your empathy and barbarism was genetic. Chimpanzees enter into societies and build tools, yet also cannibalize weaker factions and have "hair-trigger" tempers."

Human: "Yeah, Chimps are fucking terrifying."

Alien: "...They're what?"

Human: "They're...fucking terrifying?"

Alien: "They scare you?!"

Human: "Why wouldn't they? They have super-strength and sharp teeth, not to mention the grey matter. Piss off a Chimp and you could, literally, lose your face."

Alien: "YOUR KIND ROUTINELY BUILDS SUPERWEAPONS AND INGESTS POISON FOR FUN, AND YOU'RE SCARED OF YOUR PRE-SAPIENT RELATIVES?!"

Human: "Wait 'til you find out how we feel about bears!"

“Yes, Commander? Do you recommend initiating contact with them?”

“To be honest, I am torn on the issue.”

“Do explain.”

“As you know, they are mortal flesh containing a consciousness. But sir … their consciousnesses don’t pass on to a different flesh when the flesh dies.”

“Mmm, they return to one great consciousness, do they?”

“Nnnnnno, sir. There is no one great consciousness. They just *die*. They’re just gone.”

“BUH — WHA — well that’s preposterous, where do they get the new consciousness from?”

“They make a new one. A brand new one. Every time a new human is conceived, they build a new consciousness, and every time a human dies, that consciousness is gone forever. … … … Sir?”

“How do they have any kind of body of knowledge, then? … … … Well that seems incredibly inefficient, it would take years for one of them to learn enough to be able to do anything! But if you say this is how they do it … My stars, man, that means they would be *aware* that they had an expiration date! It means they would know the *new consciousnesses they made* would inevitably die!”

“Yes sir. Mortality weighs heavily upon them.”

“To think such a time-limited species could become intelligent and not any of the normal ones on this planet.”

“Ummmmm. All life on that planet is the same way.”

“… … … I am tempted to simply mark it down as the saddest goddamn thing in the entire universe and move on.”

“Thank you, sir, yes, I agree.”

“Why the thank you?”

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and fuck you

“Grace says he would like half of dome to be water.”

“Oh, is necessary for humans to have large amounts of water question?”

Small Eridian equivalent of a sigh. “No. Not needed for life. In fact Grace will die if he falls in water and does not get out.”

“Tell him we give him water in containers that won't kill him. Lots lots lots of water on Erid for Grace to drink.”

“No. Grace say he want water on ground. Also want it with excess sodium chloride compound so it will be unhealthy for drink.”

“Grace want this liquid for celebration.”

“Of course.” They scan it. “You have wrong liquid. This contain compounds which are poisonous for humans.”

“Yes yes yes. Grace say humans like feeling of being slightly poisoned.”

Wow thanks for the ingot man let me just inspect the quality real quick

Dude come on

May I present the best apple:

"Once thought to be extinct, black-footed ferrets are the only ferret native to North America, and are making a comeback, thanks to the tireless efforts of conservationists.

Captive breeding, habitat restoration, and wildlife reintegration have all played a major role in bringing populations into the hundreds after near total extinction.

But one other key development has been genetic cloning.

In April [2024], the United States Fish and Wildlife Service announced the cloning of two black-footed ferrets from preserved tissue samples, the second and third ferret clones in history, following the birth of the first clone in December 2020. 

Cloning is a tactic to preserve the health of species, as all living black-footed ferrets come from just seven wild-caught descendants.  This means their genetic diversity is extremely limited and opens them up to greater risks of disease and genetic abnormalities. 

Now, a new breakthrough has been made.

Antonia, a black-footed ferret cloned from the DNA of a ferret that lived in the 1980s has successfully birthed two healthy kits of her own: Sibert and Red Cloud.

These babies mark the first successful live births from a cloned endangered species — and is a milestone for the country’s ferret recovery program.

The kits are now three months old, and mother Antonia is helping to raise them — and expand their gene pool.

In fact, Antonia’s offspring have three times the genetic diversity of any other living ferrets that have come from the original seven ancestors.

Researchers believe that expanded genetic diversity could help grow the ferrets’ population and help prime them to recover from ongoing diseases that have been massively detrimental to the species, including sylvatic plague and canine distemper. 

“The successful breeding and subsequent birth of Antonia's kits marks a major milestone in endangered species conservation,” said Paul Marinari, senior curator at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo and Conservation Biology Institute. 

“The many partners in the Black-footed Ferret Recovery Program continue their innovative and inspirational efforts to save this species and be a model for other conservation programs across the globe.”

Antonia actually gave birth to three kits, after mating with Urchin, a 3-year-old male ferret. One of the three kits passed away shortly after birth, but one male and one female are in good health and meeting developmental milestones, according to the Smithsonian.

Mom and babies will remain at the facility for further research, with no plans to release them into the wild.

According to the Colorado Sun, another cloned ferret, Noreen, is also a potential mom in the cloning-breeding program. The original cloned ferret, Elizabeth Ann, is doing well at the recovery program in Colorado, but does not have the capabilities to breed. 

Antonia, who was cloned using the DNA of a black-footed ferret named Willa, has now solidified Willa’s place as the eighth founding ancestor of all current living ferrets.

“By doing this, we’ve actually added an eighth founder,” said Tina Jackson, black-footed ferret recovery coordinator for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, in an interview with the Colorado Sun. 

“And in some ways that may not sound like a lot, but in this genetic world, that is huge.”

Along with the USFWS and Smithsonian, conservation organization Revive & Restore has also enabled the use of biotechnologies in conservation practice. Co-founder and executive director Ryan Phelan is thrilled to welcome these two new kits to the black-footed ferret family.

“For the first time, we can definitively say that cloning contributed meaningful genetic variation back into a breeding population,” he said in a statement.

“As these kits move forward in the breeding program, the impact of this work will multiply, building a more robust and resilient population over time.”"