Okay, so chapter 61 of Saezuru.
This was a really interesting and emotionally heavy chapter, and although nothing apparently moved forward between Yashiro and Doumeki, I think it seems obvious that something dramatic is going to occur within the next, few chapters as a result of this one and, specifically, from Doumeki getting shot while protecting Yashiro.
What's interesting about this chapter is that we see both Yashiro's and Doumeki's acts of indifference begin to crumble, though they're both still stubbornly holding onto them, too. Doumeki obviously acted on instinct when he shielded Yashiro from that bullet, protecting Yashiro's life, and exposing his true feelings in the process, and in turn, Yashiro was unable to abandon Doumeki while critically injured, interceding to keep him in his care and away from Tsunakawa's men and, presumably, Tsunakawa himself.
We also see Yashiro's true feelings surface when he tells Nanahara to "drive faster" while taking Doumeki to Kageyama's clinic. He's obviously worried about Doumeki dying, which Nanahara takes notice of and seems surprised by. That's interesting too, because it indicates that Nanahara wasn't aware that Yashiro still had strong feelings for Doumeki. In previous chapters after the time skip, Nanahara seems to want to keep Doumeki away from Yashiro, seeming suspicious of his intentions. Maybe he genuinely believed that Yashiro didn't want Doumeki in his life, which would make sense, since Yashiro's feigned indifference to Doumeki since they parted ways four years earlier.
More interesting, though, is that Doumeki essentially reveals here that he does understand that Yashiro was trying to protect him by pushing him away in the past. He reveals this by telling Yashiro that the reason he shielded him from the bullet was to repay him for protecting him before. In typical fashion, Yashiro denies this, and I think it's because Yashiro both genuinely fails to see or understand his own altruism and, as a result, continues to believe, now more than ever, that it's no good for him to be near Doumeki. As he's said in the past, he believes he just destroys what's beautiful and good.
One positive of all this is that I don't think Yashiro believes anymore that Doumeki hates him, but, again, I do think this event has likely just reinforced Yashiro's belief that being with Doumeki isn't an option, because when he's around Doumeki, Doumeki gets hurt. So him playing off his actions in the past seems like an attempt to ward Doumeki away, again, for Doumeki's sake.
Getting back to Doumeki though, and what him revealing he's always understood Yashiro was trying to protect him means, I think it pretty much definitively tells us that Doumeki hasn't been acting cold and indifferent toward Yashiro to punish him. I pretty much already knew that, as I think most people did. If Doumeki understands that Yashiro did what he did to protect him, then that means he doesn't hold any ill will or hurt feelings toward Yashiro, really, and he also understands that Yashiro didn't push him away out of any ill will or negative feeling toward him. Which tells us also that the way Doumeki's been acting has solely been an attempt on his part to keep Yashiro from running away again, not because he's trying to guard himself emotionally. Of course, this whole situation may throw a monkey wrench into that plan, if Yashiro really thinks being around Doumeki now will continue to endanger him.
Though I doubt that's how this is going to go. I think Yashiro is scared now of what Tsunakawa is going to do, and we know Yashiro won't abandon Doumeki if he thinks he's in danger. It's also going to be pretty much impossible for Yashiro to deny at this point that Doumeki's behavior since the time skip has been anything but an act. I think he genuinely believed before that it was sincere, that he'd driven Doumeki to hate him, but Doumeki shielding him has pretty much done away with any such notion. The question now is, how will Yashiro respond? Right now, he's still refusing to yield, and again, I think it's out of fear over what accepting Doumeki might mean for Doumeki himself. Doumeki's already landed in hot water by protecting Yashiro instead of Tsunakawa, which, once more, will only feed into Yashiro's past and probably present belief that he's bad news for Doumeki. I think the panels of him starting to reach for Doumeki, but then pulling back, are likely reflective of that feeling. He wants to be near Doumeki and care for him, but he doesn't think he can have that and also keep Doumeki safe
It's going to be harder for Yashiro to run away this time, though, both because there's the lingering threat of what Tsunakawa might do, but also because his own identity has long since cracked apart and left him, essentially, bereft and suicidal. He can't escape anymore into the idea that he wants or desires cruelty for himself. He understands now that he wants someone to love him the way Doumeki loved him, and has tasted what his life is like without that love, and without the coping mechanism of his past identity. It leaves him with nothing but the haunted memories of his past and present abuse at the hands of other men.
Anyway, we'll see how this goes. I hope Yashiro can, for once, be kind and more generous toward himself, and allow himself to be with Doumeki. I hope he can come to a place of understanding that he isn't bad for Doumeki, and that Doumeki didn't get hurt because of him. Before Yashiro can accept Doumeki's love and express his love in turn, he has to get to a place where he doesn't think so badly of himself.
Also, just an addition. The fact Doumeki was on the cusp of seemingly begging Yashiro to take him back if he really believes Tsunakawa won't forgive him for failing to shield him, tells us that Doumeki has never had any real interest in being a member of a yakuza gang, and pretty much seems to confirm that he only joined, and has only remained all this time, in order to stay near to Yashiro. It's obvious that, if he has to choose between Tsunakawa and Yashiro, it won't even be a question for him.
