Talking to a Song Bird

I think I’ve realized for quite some time now that a week goes by really fast. Like, you just start on Monday, and suddenly it’s Friday already. But I think one of the reasons it feels so fast is because of my state of mind.

These days, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells — like I have to be careful with every move I make. As a result, I end up wishing for the weekdays to be over quickly. I crave the weekends. When they come, I feel happy, but then two days off never feel like enough. I don’t want to go back to work. But life goes on — Monday comes again, then Tuesday, Wednesday, all the way to Friday.

It repeats like that. And then I start to feel scared — scared of how time keeps moving forward while I feel like I’m still the same as I was yesterday, or even weeks ago. I think hard about what I can do to make time feel slower, to use it more meaningfully. But looking at my situation right now, it feels quite difficult.

My psychologist said I should set some weekly “do’s and don’ts” to give my days a sense of purpose, and then reflect on why certain things don’t work out as planned. And, well… I think I failed my first set of do’s and don’ts, haha.

seems there's a lot of things happening for quite sometime, I just felt so stuffed up. like I need some fresh air or someone to talk to, to nag, or even just to listen to me complaining. I contacted some of my friends when I was on the way home, and it was so sad that there's none available lol

but I guess it is what happen as you get older. everyone has their own life to live. you just have to come to terms with it. but somehow it kinds of lonely?

As 2 of my colleagues are pregnant and also there is another one who is becoming a bride, my boss decided to hold a shower party for the three of them. She decided that the theme will be candle light dinner but since we cannot do it in the evening, we chose to do it in the afternoon, and so here goes 'CANDLE LIGTH LUNCHIE'.

the preparation started in a week before the event. My boss bought all of the decoration stuffs with a mood board in mind to be elegant peach colors. we followed suit, and I designed the menu board and discussed it with my co-workers regarding the food for the lunch.

a week has passed, and so the event began. to be honest I didn't expect anything, but turned out, it was all too goood! I like it very much and I am impressed with the result! I love the mood it creates. it is so good that somehow I thought it would be more lovely if it rains outside, though it was already so loveeeeely. here's some of the pics and a video of the occasion:

The Menu

after we selected the meals, I made just the food's name on the Menu. But then my colleague was like, "please add the description" lol so I added the description with thoughts in mind, "it has to use an extravagant vocabs" lol but then my vocab suddenly got short and so I just used whatever words I wanted and also kinda ignoring the grammar lol but I like it thooough!

to be honest, I just picked the design from Canva, but I want it to be cute so I added hearts around the name of the event. I intended the heart to be a drawn one like someone draw a heart with pen in a single stroke but it is so hard to find? and so I just pick the one that close to it. So it became cuteeeee ♡

2. THE MOODS

and here's the video details:

even though it is in the afternoon, I really like the moods. the atmosphere and the music are fitting so well I loveeee it!! Kudos to my Supervisor! She is really the type of going all out, she's so cool 👍

in addition, the food that we chose are all delicious! even though it is a simple dish but the taste is good and so everything is perfect for me! thank you for arranging this party although I am just a participant but I like it soo muchos!!

last but not least, our documentation:

If you hear Labuan Bajo, the first thing that comes to mind probably the extinct Komodo. But, if you explore more, you will find another beautiful attraction around it. Labuan Bajo is so beautiful, so mesmerizing, that all the bad things that happened were all overshadowed by it.

To be honest, I've expected Labuan Baju to be water, water, and water. I mean, I thought island hopping would be swimming, snorkeling, diving, everything about water. I was wrong. Beside water, there was hill. The amount of snorkeling and hiking that I did was not equal, I did more hiking than I thought I would lol. But everything was worth it. Bajo really reminds me of Dinosaurs and Land Before Time (if you know the Dinosaurs cartoon). Here comes several photos of me during Bajo trip, ようこそ!

1. Playing touristy but the big bag is kind of WHYYY (I forgot where I was)

2. Pink Beach is LOVE

3. Sylvia Hill (before the sandal incident occurred)

4. Padar Island, turned out I'm one of your STRONGEST soldier! (sandals for hiking was so NOT comfortable)

5. Even though I wore sandal, I think I can still endorse you, Padar Island

6. One more of me at Padar because Padar is just so beautiful

7. The black dots were bats (Kalong Island) (please forgive my lack of photography skill)

8. Kanawa is really the BEST snorkeling spot in Bajo I guess even I can see the beautiful underwater scenery with my nearsighted eyes and also got swept up by the current

9. Kelor island hike with the prayers that my sandal was going to be alright lol

10. Taka Makassar aaaaalllll whiteeeeeee (except it wasn't captured on the pics)

11. On the Way to some Cave I forgot the name lol

12. Me with the Komodo, but I guess the camera was confused where to focus or how to get both objects to be HD

Those were some photos from the Bajo Trip! although the trip was far less from what I expected (boat scam, no drone or underwater camera, lost one day of the trip due to the unprofessional tour) HUFT, it is still one of the endearing trip that I've ever been to.

Lesson learned is if you want to go on a trip with a travel tour, best if you find all the reviews of the tour to be a consideration whether the travel tour have got good reputation or not, and if it involves sailing, ASK the travel tour to video call you to show you the REAL ship that you're gonna use.

DO NOT USE YOUR FLORES TOUR TO BAJO!

with such an up and down experiences, I found a little gem there. through thick and thin of Bajo trip, here are they:

and the last but not least, the ones who convinced me to join the trip, A BIG THANK YOUUUUU LUV:

Now, it is time to part ways. Let's go on another vacation yess!!

As I grow up, I kind of realize it along the way that everything are replaceable. whether it is things, feelings, friends, or whatever. But somehow, why do I always feel sad if all those things that I used to think are mine are no longer within my grasp? or, to be frank, if I am the one being replaced?

Since I was a kid, I somehow realized it that I am the one who always put the efforts. Sometimes I used to ask my friends if we have homework or not as an excuse so I could have friendship like others whom always chat everyday and are so close with each other. Along the way, I grew tired and stopped the efforts, thinking that maybe they will miss me, but turned out it wasn't like that. It was like, you are inside the loop but you are an outsider.

at one point, I slowly accept things as they are. I live my life like I know how it is going to be until I found back this gem that made me think like I belong here. But should have I learn from my lesson, everything are replaceable. I always try to spare my time for them, but they don't to mine. Always invite them, but they don't always invite me. Again, inside the loop, but an outsider.

However, that is life. People come and go, things broken, I should be wiser. Am no longer a kid. I can justify my feelings but those things are still hurting me and I don't think I should let it slide away just like that. if I feel hurt, let it be. it will heal as the time goes by. Though, I kind of wonder, when will I become irreplaceable to a circle of friends? or even to a particular someone?

my honest thought is that...

why do you always say sorry but keep doing the things you feel sorry for?

don't you do some introspection or something like that?

I was in the training period at work and at the end of the training I've got to defense my final report.

Before I had to present my final report, I handed in my report and powerpoint print-out, the examiner looked at it and asked me, "which uni are you from?" and I answered, "x uni". and then he asked me again, "which high school are you from?" I said "y school". and then I present my report a little before he cut me with questions regarding the report. After a while, he said that he liked my powerpoint slides, it is well-organized and so on and he said something like, "good school really produced good quality people."

I actually feel happy and honored to hear the compliment. but then my overthinking brain kind of thinking otherwise. I got into the school I went to was because I have the privilege to do so? so perhaps, if all the people around me went to the same school as I am, I am not so special, aren't I?

I don't know if that kind of thinking is my low self-esteem speaking or just me being humble but I guess, don't be so full of yourself, no?

but then I got conflicted again, like, "is it okay to feel happy to hear such praises, isn't it?"

"Will we meet again?"

"Yes, i'm sure of it"

"Promise?"

"Promise. Now go on and don't look back"

Everytime i hear this piece, it brought me back to that feeling knowing that Chihiro won't meet Haku again in the future. The piece is so soothing and calm but hold a lot of feelings, sad, love, sacrifices, gratefulness and so on that i cannot describe.

When GOT7 was confirmed to not renewed their contract with their past company and went to their own separate chosen agencies, and saying that "don't worry we'll be still GOT7" I have got the kind of feeling i get when watching Spirited Away, i was afraid that it was all a lie and they'll never comeback as GOT7 again. So that feeling reminded me with this song again.

BUT thankfully, it was all a prank, GOT7 came back as soon as no one expected, they didn't lie 😭

Therefore, i was kind of eager to learn this as there were many moments that kind of reminded me of the piece.

"Dream as high as the sky so when you fall, you'll fall among the stars."

"Mimpilah setinggi langit sehingga jika kamu jatuh, kamu jatuh diantara bintang-bintang" -Soekarno

I began writing this because i find myself nothing to do and totally bored. I saw the tumblr icon, i clicked and looked the updates and suddenly thought that maybe i could write what 2020 has done to me so far.

Starts from January. I didn't think that anything particular happened on that month, but i guess i was starting to enjoy and has been quite adapted to the new position i was in. Although i was enjoying the job, there was some disruptions whatsoever on the job and on the next few months, i was totally struggling.

The next few months, i had to encounter difficulties from a lot of people whose i think were a total snob. The people who thinks that when they have a little knowledge, they can boast about it and be a smarty ass to other people. People in whatever age they are, being irresponsible and afraid to acknowledge their mistakes and thus blaming others. They were such a disaster for me and still i thank God that He showed me that kind of people in a way that i DO NOT WANT to be like them in the future.

The time had come when i finally decided to withdraw. Actually, the thing that made me feel certain to quit is not what i expected at all. It's just that, everything about work that i pray for, in reality, is a total opposite.

In 2020, there's a global pandemic that made people had to stay at home. And since i have got no work, i stay at home. But life is truly a blessing. I can do what i wanted to do. Learned lot of new piano pieces and study violin more vigorously (it is that entertaining that i wish i could play in orchestra in the next few years). I also got to learn more Japanese language and watched lot of dramas, tv series, movies and so on. I really enjoyed it that sometimes i am afraid i will get carried away. But thank God, there is also a great news.

This pandemic showed me that health is the most priority and made me do not want to get sick lol. Alas, 2020 bring me lot of pains. I kind of getting this weird sickness on my skin very often, i am tired.....

It is also a shame that i couldn't attend any concerts that bring me such joys last year because of this pandemic. I hate you Covid-19.

And now, it's December. Time really fly so fast. Nonetheless, it is still a happy month. My friend who has been missing for about 3 years finally came back, and my other friends are getting married. Therefore i suddenly feel like i have a lot of friends and at the same time i gotta feel like i won't spend my time and life for the things that not really matter to me and for the things that not make me happy. Knowing these things, but it's hard to apply in real life.

In the end, i wish for a better work environment, always healthy me and my family and friends, a nice boyfriend, more fascinating books to read, more skills on the violin and piano, new pieces to play, and perhaps a song made by me. I WISH THAT I CAN ATTEND AN OFFLINE CONCERTS!! Also, i hope that my long term plan will go as planned.