All My Obsessions

I am Hamlet, a warlock who made a pact with his Dad’s ghost (it’s absolutely his Dad’s ghost, he wasn’t tricked at all, ignore the fiend patron type) to get revenge on his Uncle. But this post isn’t about him.

Because our cleric, the one entrusted with keeping the party full of heals, the only person with healing magic, is House MD.

“Wait Iz!” You cry. “House MD is a television show, not written fiction.” You’d be correct. Which is why our cleric House is not from the television show.

He’s from a fan fiction.

-me, Hamlet Prince of Denmark, warlock. Bonds: revenge. Alignment: revenge. Flaws: too much revenge. Magical item: talking skull named Yorick who is definitely a magical therapist sent by Hamlet’s ghost dad, totally legit.

-Beowulf, barbarian, stuck the longest, who uses the arm of Grendel as a weapon.

-House, cleric, who upon casting “toll the dead” makes a siren noise somehow with his mouth. He is deeply upset and put off by this.

The party having learned they are 1. Fictional and 2. There are holes in their stories that they fell through and the universe is losing stability, decide to find the source of the issue. Worms aka bookworms are eating holes in stories leaving portals we can travel though. And so in our pursuit of fixing things, we travel though a portal and find ourselves in the British countryside, being yelled at by a girl who thinks she’s our sister.

The party arrives at the Bennett’s house and it becomes clear to the party that we’re in some sort of courtly romance and since portals open tend to open when the plot is resolved, the gang decides the solution here is one of us has to be the leading lady and therefore must seduce Mr. Darcy (who is clearly the romantic lead with all the talk about him)

The problem? House fails his dice roll for knowing shit about Pride and Prejudice except that it’s a romance. Which means we have no idea which one of us is supposed to seduce Mr. Darcy.

We’re able to rule out some candidates.It can’t be House who is Caroline as he’s “clearly here to be paired off with someone else.” Nor Katniss who is Mary. Beowulf isn’t it (who has been cast as Mr. Wickham and is confusing everyone by suddenly becoming a much more pleasant person to be around). Which leaves Hamlet (Jane) and Inuyasha (Lizzy)

Hamlet has a 20 charisma score. The party desperately hopes it’s Hamlet.

Then we get to the ball, Mr. Bingley walks up to Hamlet and everyone including Inuyasha goes “oh goddamn it.”

So some shenanigans arise and we end up positioning Inuyasha in front of Mr. Darcy, who then bends and snaps (House taught him), impressing the man. But he walks off to talk business with some guards instead of talking to Lizzy and all the sudden we realize something is up.

Now it’s been a long time since I read Pride and Prejudice but it did strike me as odd our DM kept mentioning that people owned guns. It wasn’t too odd, hunting is a thing, but I couldn’t remember this much mention of a military and chalked it up to being a minor detail I forgot. At least I did, until Mr. Darcy opened a jar of flies, followed them to a man who was standing slightly askew and promptly decapitated him.

We were not in Pride and Prejudice it turns out. We were in:

YOU KNOW THE HAIKU BOT???

OFC YOU DO

YOU KNOW THAT MESSAGE HE PUTS AT THE END OF EVERY POST????

"Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up."

YEAH???????

WELL THATS A HAIKU TOO

Beep boop! I look for

accidental haiku posts.

Sometimes I mess up.

accidental haiku posts.

Sometimes I mess up.”

He did it, by god he did.

What a little champ.

Real artists, made-up song titles.