Pa Tucker

I woke up feeling drained and I satisfied. I've been unhappy in my relationship even though things have been better. Feels like this darkness or gloom over my head and spirit. I'm fighting to overcome this gloomy feeling. Life is a constant... Fulfillment is the answer. I must realize how I want to be fulfilled and do it for myself. No one else is responsible for our fulfillment. Nor can we blame them.

8/13/2020

Today was a better day than most of the week. Almost feeling champion status right now. It was a productive day and a pretty calm, swift day. I needed that. I had a really good workout this am. Not in the aspect of doing a bunch of exercises, but that the workout really put a smile on my face and got rid of some of the negative energy that I woke up with. Exercise saves lives in more ways than one. I hope ya’ll doing well on this Thursday, Thick Thursday if you’re nasty. lmao

Aug 11, 2020

Feeling like I’m not where I’m supposed to be. Something isn’t right. I have a good idea what it is. Out looking for ways to supplement. Not that that’s a good thing. But I’m tired of complaining so I figured I’d go into swift action. Things aren’t as easy as they seem with this Covid in the air. People not as social as they normally would be. Back at it though. 

Today I’m feeling at ease in comparison to yesterday. Yesterday was very stressful and exhausting. All the anticipation and stress involved with the day was just overwhelming. The positive is that I made it through.

Back to my journal. Feeling good today. Was able to workout this am. Working out always makes me feel better. I got away from my journal but never forgot about the blessings that my journal has caused. My self-esteem, self-awareness, confidence, etc are way better than it was in 2018!

2.26.20

www.journalingtocope.com

Today was a good day. The overwhelming feeling of stress and anxiety has decreased. More smiles are manifesting than in recent days. Recently I have just been taking responsibility for my own happiness and getting a better understanding of my own self. Self-awareness and confidence increasing simultaneously. Still tempted to partake in the online festivities of lust and attention. That has become a consistent coping strategy. Not to the point of absolute distraction, but noticeable. The dopamine flowing...

2.24.2020

Recent journaling and contemplation is bringing me towards many conclusions. For example, I am spending too much time on things (negative coping strategies) that aren’t promoting my goals or  dreams. Self-reflection is key. This is why journaling is the answer. I read the other day that “self-awareness is the foundation of self-confidence...” I believe that. I’m becoming more self-aware, of good things and bad things that I promote mentally and physically. Some things I will have to leave to the way side in order to decrease the stress in my life.

2/18/20

I can’t explain how I’m feeling today. Its hard to put into words. Or maybe it isn’t. Its like sometimes I just want to give up and just do whatever. Then on the other hand I don’t want to give up, I want to chase women so that I may get what I’m missing at home. The chase never ends though, so I have to keep chasing. An endless parade is what it is. It would be much simpler to just get sex at home, but that’s not up to me... Anyway, I go into these battles with my own mind, changing my life, not flirting and just focusing on career and money. And all that sounds good until I can’t think or process information because I’m so horny. Damn shame. lol

2/14/20

Happy Friday to you all. Happy Valentine’s to you all. I hope you’re all doing well. The week started out bumpy. Seemed to calm down over the course of the week. Was having problems feeling unappreciated. I’m feeling OK today. Feeling better overall. 

2/12/20

For the last few days of just been ultra angry inside. I believe the root of my anger is coming from not feeling appreciated at home. I’m expected to provide, be happy about it, spoil, be happy about it, and everything else, but I can’t even get laid in my own marriage without having to wait days or weeks on end. I don’t think this rationing of the sex is indicative of appreciation. I’m expected to have care and concern about the wishes, and wants of her, but she seems to have no care or concern about my one heavy wish of getting sex at home and not having to wander the world hot and bothered. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. In having talks about this, she say’s I’m not affectionate enough in the public eye to make her want to have sex. I need to hold her hand more, etc... Ok, I’ll work on that. But sometimes when you’re angry inside, you have no desire to hold this person’s hand that you feel is the cause of your grief. Maybe I’m putting too much weight on our sex life. An old wise woman once told me that the way to stay married was to travel and have sex. We can go on a vacation and I damn near have to beg for sex. This sucks. Someone give me some advice. Ready go!

2/6/2020

Taking time out today to acknowledge my gratitude for life and the living. I know sometimes things happen to where we question why we are here or whether or not we shall remain here. I would like to take this time to say that even in the darkest times, we should not forget to be thankful to be blessed with life and to be among the living. Times always get better.  We have to make the most of our situations while we’re here. We are lucky to be here. 

Please feel free to comment and tell me what you’re celebrating today! I am celebrating life and being able to talk and laugh with my family and friends one more day. Peace

1/29/20

Very anxious for the past few days. Feeling very hot and bothered. Always lacking at the house but trying to figure out some positive coping strategies in addition to journaling to take the edge off. Lifting weights at the gym, journaling, and talking to friends help a little bit. Does anyone know anything else that may help me take the edge off, dealing with a damn near sexless marriage? Do tell

1/28/20

Feeling good today. I decided to be a change agent. I am no longer going to complain about what I’m not getting at home, and concentrate on taking initiative to get it myself. I won’t complain, I will only create solutions. Depression, anxiety, and other things are fueled by relying on other people to satisfy your desires. When someone doesn’t want to satisfy our desires, instead of complaining, we should take matters in our own hands and find satisfaction ourselves. Change agent. Self-reflection and self-awareness breed confidence in that it helps us accept ourselves.

1/21/20

I’m rebuking this negative energy and stress headache that was imposed against me this am. I am constantly accused of not showing care and concern. I feel like in my soul I care and have  concern and show that. My better half disagrees. She feels like I don’t care and have no concern because I don’t always do things her way or on her timeline. Is that me not having care and concern, or her being self centered and always wanting her way or the highway? I guess there could be a happy medium. Anyhow, I’m journaling away my frustrations this morning so that I can stay positive and have a more positive impact on people that I come across today, than keeping this negativity in my heart and releasing it upon unsuspecting souls during the work day. 

I was accused of not caring that she was crying. But the real problem is that I didn't know she was crying, to even respond to the crying. In addition, she’s always fucking crying. So every time she starts crying, time has to stop to tend to her emotions, until she feels I can leave. So it doesn’t matter if I have to go to work, or a meeting, or whatever, if she’s crying the fucking world stops. Then I’m on her time until she decides to shut the fuck up. Crazy world.

1/9/20

Another year has passed. One more time around the sun. This year I celebrated without alcohol. I never thought I could celebrate anything without alcohol. You open your eyes 20 years later and realize you’ve been drunk the majority of your life. This in itself is a trip. To everyone out there dealing with alcohol or drug problems, just take it one day at a time. Journal and be thankful for the good times and good things in your life.

Dec 6th, 2019

Good day friends. I am glad to be here and I am glad that you’re still breathing to read my message today. Do any of you find yourselves on other websites, living a fantasy life. Talking about and dwelling in all the acts and things that you really like to do or talk about. The vanilla life is somewhat discouraging, but the kinkier, more underworld avenues make your ears go up. I can attest to this. 

Lately I’ve been expressing my gratitude for living more and more. I am alive. I have to make decisions for me. We are only hear once. So I think. Gotta enjoy it and make the most of it. I’m thinking about writing another book. I want to write something along the lines of erotica...

11.20.19

Some people find different ways to escape. I used to escape through alcohol. Not anymore. Now I escape through fantasy. Fantasy could be as dangerous as the alcohol. Time consuming,  and distracting. Although it doesn’t come with a hangover or DUI.