이종석

"I’m ready to go home" Mark said, trying not to sound like a child. "I want to go home now." Mark said quietly, his arm moving to rub his eye, smudging the light makeup he was wearing. He’d never really needed to get himself home if he picked up a girl or a guy, he always tried to go back to theirs.

The others words hurt JongSuk— ‘no one wanted me’. He could reflect on this but not in the same means that the other was feeling. He had always been unwanted, whether it was at his home or at the school he attended, he was aware of others always watching him out of the corner of their eyes. It was a terrible feeling and though he was more vast, he could almost feel there was more than just tonight that was having Mark feel this way. In his short life, he had been through a lot—JongSuk was aware. Even if he didn’t know the details, he could read the others body and the way he spoke or acted out. Being in the medical profession made him aware of what others acted like in certain situations that they were put in. So, some things he watched more closely and Mark was no exception.

He wanted to tell the young boy he was here for him. But that’s not what Mark wanted. He wanted a sexual partner, someone to loose himself in and forget his problems—not exactly a support system. Besides, JongSuk didn’t want him to misunderstand that he wanted any sort of relationship that was to cross boundaries of any sort. He wasn’t one for frivolous sexual escapades for the simple means of escaping his emotions—he had a daughter. He couldn’t bring partners to the house just for his own selfish needs and her to grow attached to them in any way, when the relationship between the adults was purely physical.

Nodding his head, even though the young boy couldn’t see it, he was glad the other was done playing around in the big kids world. He was going to get hurt and JongSuk wasn’t going to be able to do anything but hope he didn’t end up in jail or a hospital bed. It was a miracle, with the amount of sexual adventures that the boy did have, that he hadn’t caught any sort of STD. His life would be over, but the doctor wasn’t sure he would stop even then. It was a sad thought that had him heave a deep sigh, his messy sleep ridden head leaning back against the wall, his eyes fluttering closed as he heard the other speak to someone off of the phone.

“Ya, don’t talk to strangers.” JongSuk muttered tired, rubbing the side of his head before moving towards the doorway of his daughters room to peer in. She was sound asleep and he wasn’t going to wake her up for this. Shuffling to his door in the slippers, he winced lightly as the door beep in response to him opening it before moving to the neighbors door.

Gently, he knocked before an older woman opened the door to peer at the male but it was if she had stars in her eyes, seeing the flower boy at her door. Patting her hair almost, she glanced up at him from under her lashes with a smile, and despite his stoic face, he forced on his lips as he lifted the phone from his ear.

“I’m sorry for waking you…”

“No, no, no. You didn’t wake me. I had to get up early.” The woman admitted, with a fluttering laugh before blinking her eyes as he glanced down some, smiling a little more.

“I have an emergency. Would you mind watching my daughter for me? It shouldn’t take too long…” JongSuk said lightly, raising his eyes up off of the ground and raising his brows some at the female. But she nodded some, before laughing and pressing her hand to her chest.

It didn’t take her long to get into his apartment and already, he could see her just wanting to snoop around. The OCD in him was severally not enjoying the fact that she was in his house but he sucked it up, all for Mark. He had no idea how much this was bothering JongSuk and he never would. It was the doctors problem—not the worlds.

“She is asleep in the room. Thank you so much. I don’t know how I could repay you…”

“Dinner.” She replied, quickly which made his brows move up again but he let out a light laugh before nodding.

Slipping his shoes on, he heaved a sigh before grabbing his car keys off the wooden plank by the door with the phone pressed between his shoulder and chin. Finally, he heaved a sigh before speaking into the phone.

"I don’t mean to intrude but -" He looked over at the other, sniffing at the cold air and fidgeting a bit. "What do you do? Is it fun?"

Those words held more than JongSuk could explain—beauty was subjective. The only one that beauty could be painful to was the one who possessed it or someone who sought it. Some women were miserable beautiful and some were miserable wishing to be beautiful; it was an endless cycle that many didn’t tend to see but the doctor saw many things. Women crying because they broke their nose, or something happened in a surgery because they couldn’t afford a papered doctor. It was terrible, but no one was happy it seemed and he was no exception with the chronic face of ice that lined his features seeming to be completely void of emotions it seemed. But he wasn’t. It was a numbness that had settled over a sweet boys heart after years of mental abuse from the world—who could blame him? Highschool had left him bruised and battered on a constant basis and his wife just continued the abuse through sharp words into his heart.

The others laugh wasn’t one that many could understand but there was a bitter edge of JongSuk’s heart that could almost tip his hat to the sound of bass sound leaving his laugh. A small part of him wondered how long it had been since the stranger had laughed, genuine, that held no sense of bitterness but his eyes simply flickered to his laced fingers that rested across his legs. A tug of the lips was really the only reaction to the laugh and it was out of politeness if anything, because the sound just reminded him of the part of him that was still sore from the recent stab inside his heart.

Looking up at the playground, he watched his daughter for a moment before catching movement out of the corner of his eyes and the canvas was thrusted at him. Blinking slightly, the male’s brows rose gently on his head but he felt flattered. He was…giving it to him? Watching the canvas be placed on the bench, his eyes tracked the work and he could see the day that he stared at now and a small smile played across his stoic features. Warm lights moved across the ground and yet, there was a subtle gentleness but he could picture everything in his mind even the laughter of the children. Perhaps it would bring some sort of artistic flare to his modern home. It was void of anything eccentric and as a father; he feared his daughter would be unaware of any hidden talents she could posses. Perhaps, he’d hang this in her room so she’d be aware that there was a world besides the walls that he constantly felt was closing in on him.

The others informal tone brought JongSuk’s eyes up from the portrait, as his brows relaxed from the pursed expression. Was he a foreigner? Perhaps so, despite his fluidity in the language, was he aware of simple pronouns and suffix’s he was supposed to use to address others?  Regardless, he somehow had JongSuk’s attention more because of the change of tone. Listening, he could sympathize with the other because he wasn’t close to his parents—having drawn back to them with the disappointment of his divorce. The only one that remained close to him at this point was his sister and sometimes he feared it was just to take his daughter from him the moment he became mentally instable.

“But you do things, I can’t. How can that be a simple line, or the brush of your finger or brush? You have something over me. A gift over many who have successful jobs because we can’t put colors and lines together—it’s just not in us to do such a thing. While you’re living a dream, many are sitting miserable behind a table pushing papers.” This wasn’t far from the truth and he was happy in his job since his passion had always been to help others but he had never had the chance to be artist. Such, he was an artist with a scalpel and could fix many many things but he was envious of a gift that he wished to view the world different. People can to him near death and wishing for him to fix things and their mistakes and yet, sometimes he couldn’t. It was a dark world while this man, almost seemingly lived in a Disney movie because he was wearing a different pair of glasses.

The cold seemed so insignificant to JongSuk, his back straight even though he was leaning against his knees because of the long almost jack-skeleton legs. But when the other sniffled, it almost reminded him how cold it was which made him wonder if Sun Mi was alright. Lifting his head up slightly, moving to sit upwards from his position, he let his eyes wonder to the female but with nothing but a flush of red cheeks, she seemed fine. Yet he felt almost worried about it, almost too worried to catch the others question.

little lion man // mumford & sons

Mark tried to count how many drinks he’d had but then he gave up. “I had a few” he said quietly, before laughing again. He’d had more than a few. “I’m at that club, you know the one with the pretty lights.” Mark giggled, and then tried to stop himself.

A snort came from JongSuk at Mark’s words, his hand moving up to rub his eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose. Glancing around, he saw no female, the look almost smart ass but he didn’t say anything just heaved a sigh. No girl, not that he knew of, was in his house or had somehow commandeer his phone. But his lips didn’t move and the sour attitude that he had woken up with, he didn’t exploit it on the other for he was drunk. He wouldn’t get if JongSuk was being sarcastic or snarky just like he probably didn’t even remember the name of the girl that he was trying to call.

A soft yes left JongSuk’s lips at the others thick accented words, asking him if he did wake him. Why? Did he think he would be awake at this hour for nothing? But, he didn’t bother to comment on the fact that he didn’t. Licking his lips gently, he tilted his head as he looked down at his slacks as his slim arms moved across his chest as he could hear the other reaching for any opportunity for someone to sleep with him, yells or something in the background but JongSuk worried for the other and it showed on his face to the empty room.  A young boy in such an environment with no one, it truly was difficult and he could tell by the others actions.

His laughing was annoying JongSuk, his worry overwhelming his patience of a moment but closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. That didn’t tell him anything. There were countless amount of clubs around. Standing up from the wall, he moved to look at the clock on his wall and he titled his head. There was only one place that was open around this time still and he knew it from his friends bachelor party.

But the others next words had his brows pursing together, his eyes rolling to the ceiling for a moment. Whether or not he was drunk, JongSuk didn’t want him to feel alone.

“Ya…idiot, it’s the first night no one has wanted you.” It was a soft chide as he took a deep breath, trying to debate what to do. Moving to the window, he peered at the older womans next door to see if the light was on and for a minute, he felt it was fates as the light shined into the night. Tilting his head, he sucked his teeth.

❄

Daesung pushed the thoughts away along with the door to the main waiting area of the hospital, wrapping his arms around himself. This was it. He cleared his throat, approaching the main desk.

Plopping another carrot in his mouth, he tilted his head as he continued to read over the female’s file eating his late lunch. He had been held up in an examine earlier and hadn’t had time to eat the snack but now he was, his eyes running over the words and what the other was allergic too. This would deal with a lot of surgery, changing the others appearance. It would amazing if he could get a room to perform the needed surgeries. But, it would be a long process so his body could adjust and mentally he could. He hadn’t started hormones so that would be the first stop and he would be watched to make sure the body didn’t take it bad but with seldom to no, allergies, this felt like a good thing to go one. He didn’t do plastic surgery. It wasn’t his specialty but none of the surgeons would do, and considering how well he could do, he knew it would be as if the best plastic surgeon was doing it. But he would warn the other before the procedure.

Sniffling lightly, he barely shifted at the knock on his door as a female moved over to know on the surface. Dark eyes shifted up to her as he let the pile of papers drift back down as his brows rose gently.

“Dr.Lee, there is a Lee Minyoung here for you?” The woman said softly, clasping her hands in front of him before he nodded.  Before she turned away to get him, the male rose up from his seat, hiding the carrots in his drawer before flashing a stoic smile.

“I’ll greet him. Thank you.” Blinking, she looked down before bowing her head and retreating as the others slim form moved around his desk. Fixing his jacket, he quickly was out of the small office and heading towards the front desk where the other was. It was a short walk, a soft smile pulling his face when his eyes met the others.

“Annyeonghasyeo, Daesung-ssi. Thank you for coming today.” In reality, JongSuk had feared he wouldn’t come because of how risky this was, or the distaste it left in everyones mouth but the males thick lips formed a gentle smile that held a comforting warmth, almost saying ‘I’m here if you’re here’. They had talked on the phone a few times, allowing him to understand the other more than if they were meeting for the first time. This wasn't just a physical adjustment but a mental for the other and he would compromise to make the other as comfortable as possible.

Offering his hand from his side to shake the others, he could already see the androgyny that the other carried and unlike many, it would be an easy transformation. The medication would bulk him up, shift the bodies fat around and make him more of a man even though JongSuk could barely tell. Maybe that was why the female was so confused on the information on the other. Having a female patient that looked like a male, she was probably more confused than what she would admit.

Feeling the fingers loosen from his hair, his head followed the hand naturally as his eyes opened with a slightly hooded look. Dark eyes followed the shadow of the others hand as it moved before finally, it disappeared around the others backside before feeling slim, gentle but firm digits move around his wirst. Unhooking his fingers from one another, he let the other pull his arm back from around inbetween them before up to his face. JongSuk’s eyes turned up at the male, despite him being taller, he was slinked lower on the bed and he was almost seemingly shorter than the other. That wasn’t the case, but he liked the feeling, looking up to him. It made him feel smaller than the other, protected and delicate.

But he was confused, curious as to what the other was doing but something flickered in his mind earlier. InGuk had kissed his thumb earlier in the office before...that mess. A sigh left his nose, his eyes looking no longer at the males face but his hand in the others before hearing the breathy words that left his lips. They sent shivers down his spine, his eyes flickering back up to his as he swallowed lightly. He forgot. Normally people didn’t notice his weird things that he did, but they didn’t watch him the way InGuk did. He felt like a child caught doing something they shouldn’t have, his lips pursing with his eyes trying to shift away but they were held there.

Feeling the others lips brush against the digit, his eyelashes fluttered as they no longer focused on his eyes but the lips that were gentle on his finger. The single word made his eyes squint some, agreeing silently. Everything was cruel to him, it seemed; Even himself but in most departments, he was his worst enemy and this was no different. But, he was almost hypnotized by the other for a moment, the touch of the soft lips not like it had been in the office and he was pretty sure, the feeling he had in his stomach was not the same either.

Dark almond eyes locked with the other males, and it seemed like things slowed down for JongSuk. He wasn’t sure if the other felt the same but something filled his chest, something he wasn’t sure what it was. But, it was a beautiful feeling. Depths were locked and JongSuk almost seemed frozen in his spot, his breaths shallow before a sound left the others lips, his eyes blinking as if he was broken from a spell and his eyes flickered away before feeling the presence of the other so close to him. The pressure of his own thumb between their lips made him suck in his breath. So close, they were so close and he felt like a frozen deer in the headlights but he also didn’t want to scare the other away.

It happened quick, his hand was pulled away and their lips were pressed against one anothers for the first time. A breath left JongSuk, a weight he never knew he was carrying falling off his shoulders. It was gentle at first and the thick lips didn’t move too much, still afraid to scare him away but, his fingers gently dug into the flesh on the others back gently. Feeling the others muscle push against his lips, it didn’t take long before the thick pair of lips opened with a soft sound escaping his throat. Gently, his fingers slowly tightened in the others shirt from where it fell from the other pulling it away, his eyes fluttering closed as he savored the feeling of the others fingers dancing across his cheek before the other moved his head, the kiss becoming much more comfortable.

Letting out a soft hum as the other broke the kiss, his eyes opened once more to look at the others face so close as he bit the males lip. A soft sneer pulled his face, the thick bottom lip moving back to it’s place as he tried to catch his breath. He never had a kiss leave him so…winded. But his eyes looked at the other males and he could see the thick brows pursing in confusion, but the word that escaped his lips had a small panic move into JongSuk’s chest.

“No, no…” He breathed softly, his hand moving up to brush the others jaw gently as he moved his face close to the others and brushed his nose against the other males in an affectionate way. Cupping the others face gently with his single hand, he brushed his thumb against the others face as he laid his forehead against InGuk’s as he wiggled up some so they were face to face.

“Don’t apologize for that…please.” In a way, he was trying to tell the other that there was nothing wrong with this. Well, in society it was but how could something that felt so right be so wrong? But, that simple thought had his eyes flicker from the closed eyes that wouldn’t open before to the others lips. Placing a chaste kiss on the others lips, his eyes once more looked up at InGuk’s closed orbs and couldn’t help but almost pout.

His feelings for the male weren’t exactly indifferent but he had always been there a friend. In school, he was sure the other would have ignored him, mocked him, and even chased him down after school like a lot of the students did but he didn’t. His heart was something that JongSuk, in a strange sense, was attracted to more than anything. He had seen it, beaten and bruised on the school ground with a pain that filled him to the brim but there was a boy, popular in school, offering his head to the other to go to the nurse. What a silly thought. But he was pathetic. Always having to be rescued by the other, he felt lost in his own mind that he would never be able to reply InGuk and one day, they’d drift apart despite this closeness that he was feeling.

Feeling the tentative fingers dancing across his warm skin, JongSuk’s eyes fluttered open as his eyes continued to run over the curves of the others face and a simple word came to his mind; perfect. He was perfect and yet, JongSuk knew he wasn’t but to the silly little lanky boy, he was. Lifting his head ever so slightly, the tip of his nose brushed against the underside of the males chin as his eyes continued to explore everything he could at this closeness he had never experienced with the other and he wanted to take advantage of it.

JongSuk had never been with a male in a homosexual way, so he wouldn’t know whether this was right or wrong but in his mind, it was almost too good to be true. Feeling the others leg seek to wrap around one of his own, his eyes fluttered slightly before a grin pulled his lips at the others agreeing to his words. A soft sniffle came from him, his body wiggling as close as he could as his hands almost shyly moved over the others chest to get more comfortable. Of course, his fingers, the thin digits that saved life with a tentative touch, were taking in every detail of the others body.

The fingers in his hair sent shivers down his back, something he wasn’t expecting but though the smile wilted slightly, he ducked his head away from the others chin and against his neck, his head fitting into the crook as he heaved a long and deep sigh. The feeling of being used, his mind twisted and completely abused was enough for that solid wall in him to tremble. Love sucked and he had his chance. Some of the girls at the hospital said you had one chance at love, when the stars align, and his must have made a mistake because she wasn’t his. She was anything but his. And all he wanted to do was love her. Why wouldn’t she let him love her? An uncertain feeling filled stomach, causing his nose to wrinkle as slowly his thumb moved up to his mouth and his lips encased the digit as he bit the nail and skin between his teeth.

Just sleep.

But thoughts were haunting him, swimming around his head. Would he be happy? Would this just continue as a vicious cycle? In a selfish way, he was chiding himself. He didn’t have a life left to live; he had a daughter. He needed to make sure her life was set up before he worried about himself. But…he didn’t want to die alone. Sleep wasn’t coming, he knew that and as dangerous thoughts drifted in his head, he knew it would be impossible to escape the bed without the other knowing of his movement.