John Walker Appreciation Week

I was in middle school when FATWS came out (this made me EXTREMELY influenceable lmaooo). Obviously I was sat and seated for Bucky and mainly Bucky. So they throw John into the mix and I don't really think anything of it except for the fact that he looks stupid in his helmet. Bucky and Sam continuously hating on John for almost no reason? I was a very stupid middle schooler and thought "yeah, okay, that tracks." I thought it was kind of funny.

Fast forward to episode 4. I was actually really sad when Lemar died (in relation to how much I cared for John back then). Except the shield scene REALLY threw me off (as it did for basically everyone), and the fight scene afterwards (because I was mad at John for ripping Sam's wings and tossing Bucky around like a ragdoll). That compounded with people online complaining about how trash of a character John was made me believe that yes, we had to hate John. Then the second the show finished and Loki came out, I completely forgot about everything.

Fast forward again to when Thunderbolts released. I'm at the tail end of senior year and I was supposed to watch the movie with a group of friends. However, since I was very depressed and had a falling out with said group of friends, I watched the movie alone. Going in, I had a vague recollection that John even existed, that he had a backstory. He shows up in the Vault scene, and I'm still thinking he looks stupid with his helmet on. And I also think he's being very annoying.

However things start to change the SECOND he takes off his helmet and I realize he looks soooooo fine (sorry) without that stupid shit on his face. No, that wasn't the main reason I started liking him. It was partially his shame room scene, but mainly the scene right after when he looks down the elevator shaft. Let's just say I related with that on an unhealthy level (don't worry, I'm better-ish now).

As I'm watching him becoming less annoying to the rest of the Vault Crew, I'm starting to realize he's not "bad" like I remembered. I will NOT be detailing how much I cried during the scene where they hold back Bob, but I will say seeing John being the first person after Yelena to go after Bob did something to me. (I blame this on the fact that I would graduate 2 weeks after watching the movie and my emotions were definitely all over the place).

Throughout the summer and into August, I got back into ficwriting (which I hadn't touched since before high school), and used that as an opportunity to explore John (and the rest of the Bolts') charcters. On top of that, I rewatched every project the Bolts (minus Bucky) showed up in (AMATW, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and of course, FATWS). It was during my rewatch that I was able to see everything in a different (and more mature) light. The scenes that stood out to me the most were from Episode 5: John collapsing to the ground as he realizes what he's done, the fight scene, the scene of him in the courtroom, him going to Lemar's family. It was basically here where I finally figured out what made him relatable (to me): he had a shit ton of expectations dropped on him, and when he couldn't live up to them, he got hated for it. This and the fact that he lost Lemar, his literal brother, made me feel deeply for him. I'm very sure that developed a whole bunch of self-doubt within him, along with god knows what other tormenting thoughts. Though my situation is nowhere near as severe as John's, if you've ever been someone going through the college application process...yeah...you might know....

(Long story short my mother is. Well. Expects the unrealistic. When I didn't get into certain colleges, I could feel the disappointment and that did not do anything good for me and gave me a really bad time.)

...

And now we're here lol where I spend my entire day simping and crying over him and/or Wyatt and/or any other characters Wyatt plays. I'm really grateful that I have him as my favorite character, and that I was reintroduced to Lemar and Olivia tangentially. And also, screw the college application process, now I go to school in Georgia (John's state!!). Sorry for the lore dump but. Now you know!

///

Next is In Retrospect by RIELL

This song reminds me of John after he loses Lemar, and the flashback scene we see in Thunderbolts* about how he might have still been struggling with what happened- not just about losing the title, but also his best friend, his job, the respect of his peers, and his family.

And lastly, Wandering in the Dark by Ursine Vulpine and Annaca.

Melissa Gold offered a long-suffering sort of look. “C’mon, Ben. You know she doesn't do lists.”

“Or appointments,” he snorted. “Doesn’t change that we’re already running late and he has a flight to catch right after this meeting. She’ll have to catch him next time.”

Oh, he was going to tell whoever Bennett's boss was that this kid deserved a raise. Bennett pushed the door to the congressman’s office suite open and John jumped through it like he was dodging live fire, Bennett right behind him like he knew what would happen if he gave Melissa Gold an inch. “Captain Walker to see Congressman Gary,” he announced as the congressman’s own aid looked up at their quick entrance.

John was escorted back to the congressman’s office, just like he had been for however many that had come before him. The man was deep in reading something on his computer, a pair of half-moon reading glasses inching down the bridge of his nose and he peered up over them. “Captain, wasn’t sure you were going to make it,” he greeted, standing and circling his desk to extend a hand. 

“Sorry about being late, Congressman. Everyone seemed to want a piece of me today.”

“What? You thought being Captain America was about punching out bad guys?”

It took longer than John liked to admit to work through just how serious Congressman Donald Gary was being at that moment. He’d never been great with dry humour. He found himself trying to figure out if it was a joke or not long after the joke had passed. And that was why he needed Lemar there. Okay, not just that, but Lemar was a hell of a lot better at parsing through all the subtle social cues that weren’t pre-fight indicators. Those were cues John didn’t have any problem clocking. 

Gary cracked a smile, finally giving John the tip he needed to do the same. “Sorry to tack on another meeting for you. I thought it’d be a good idea if we met.”

“You’re new to the House Intelligence Committee, aren’t you?” John asked, praying he was remembering it right.

“I am. Your old CO Harmond is quietly lobbying us to move yours and Hoskin’s oversight to the military. Seems to think you’ll be able to move quicker on the growing threat.”

There was a pause like Gary was looking for a response and John could feel every exhausted nerve being tested right about then. “I’m a soldier, sir. I answer to who they tell me to answer to.”

“But you’ve got an opinion, don’t you, Captain?”

John tilted his head and met Gary’s dark eyes over his half-moon glasses. “Loaded question, isn’t it?” A pause, then he added “sir.”

Gary chuckled at that as he turned, moving easily over to the set of couches in the corner of his office, removing his glasses and placing them in the inside pocket of his blazer, and took a seat next to a decanter and set of whisky glasses. He motioned for John to join him and he did so warily. “Your buddy Barnes seems to think it’s a good idea.”

“You seem to know a lot of people I know, Congressman.”

Gary chuckled. “You drink, Walker? You’re a Georgia boy, aren’t you? Whisky?” He didn’t wait for an answer, but poured a glass and handed it over to John. He took it and Gary sipped at his own. “Not that it’ll do a damn bit of good loosening your tongue. I hear that serum burns through it faster than you’d be able to put it away.”

John bristled a little at the mention of the super soldier serum, a secret he hadn’t been able to keep. Like a small town without the perks, DC couldn’t keep much quiet.

“I’m giving you names to check back with because you don’t have any reason to trust me,” Gary said after a long moment and a sip of his own whisky. “Harmond. Barnes. Those are people I have contact with for you to check in on me, because you’re gonna need it.”

“Is that a threat, sir?”

“Not from me, but you’ve caught people’s attention.”

“What kind of people?”

“Not sure yet, at least not entirely, but the briefings that you’ve been bringing back are making people nervous. Your predecessor was supposed to have put an end to HYDRA.”

“He did, but that doesn’t mean he and the Avengers got every last person.”

“And that’s the mess you’ve got now.” He paused, looking into his glass rather than drinking it. “If Rogers and the Avengers didn’t pick off every last HYDRA agent, there might still be sleeper agents. Watch your back, Captain. Don’t trust anyone you don’t know at face value.” He knocked back his drink and stood, offering John a hand. “You’ve had a long few weeks. I won’t keep you.”

John set his barely-touched glass down on the table and stood, shaking the congressman’s hand. “Thank you.”

He could feel the older man’s eyes on him as he left and he felt the weight of the warning hanging off of him as he made his way out the door. Bennett waited for him, ready to take him out to the base where he said Lemar had just called from to let him know the flight was prepped and waiting on him. That was the best news he’d heard all day. He couldn’t wait to get home.

----

“Did you hear Bucky’s running for congress in New York?” Lemar demanded as John strode into the office space attached to the hangar to meet him before they both made their way to the waiting jet that would take them down to the base just a few miles out from Custer’s Grove. 

John blinked hard, replaying the statement over again and Lemar shot him a look that said he knew exactly what he was doing and no, he hadn’t misheard him. “Bucky’s not exactly known for the whole shaking hands and kissing babies political bullshit.”

“Right? They’re saying he’s got pretty good odds right now.” His best friend stopped, tilting his head a little. “You think he’s working an angle?”

“I don’t think Bucky knows how to live life without working an angle anymore,” John huffed and slung his duffel over his shoulder. “C’mon. Let’s get out of here before I get a call that just one more politician has to see me or the world will explode.”

They started to wind their way through the hall and towards the aviation apron to where the plane was waiting on them. “That bad, huh?”

“Would have been better if you’d been there.”

“Nope. That wasn’t the deal. I’m with you on just about all of this craziness, but the politics? I love ya, man, but you’re on your own.”

“You’re better at it than me.”

“Well, you were the one Harmond put up for the position. He knew what he was getting.”

“Hell of a lot of good it’ll do us if I punch one of those assholes in the face.”

Lemar flashed a grin. “Depending which one, America might cheer you on.”

John snorted a laugh, but his expression sobered immediately when he saw a figure he didn’t recognize standing at the base of the stairs leading up to their plane. She was tiny, standing in a perfectly tailored pants suit, long coat, and heeled boots. Large shades covered half her face, but John had a sinking feeling he knew who she was. Especially when he saw Melissa Gold standing at her side typing distractedly on her phone.

“Captain Walker,” the CIA director greeted as they approached, “you’re a hard man to get a hold of. Not something I say often.”

“Director Fontaine --”

“De Fontaine,” she corrected. “You forgot the de.”

He didn’t care about the de. He just wanted to go home.

Lemar tapped him on the arm as he moved past, signalling him even as he said, “Let me check with the pilot to see if we’ve got time.”

They wouldn’t. He hoped they wouldn’t. 

“I’m sure they’ll wait for Captain America,” she practically purred, taking a step closer to him and looking straight up so that her brown eyes met his blue. “Or for me. They’ll wait for me.”

There was something in her expression - in that unreasonably intense eye contact - that made John’s skin crawl. Not every cue that a fight was about to happen meant punches would be thrown.

She stepped closer still until it was clear even to him that she was intentionally impeding on his personal space. “I understand that you’ve been after Christopher Becker. I want to make sure we close any gaps between my office and your --” she reached out, her fingers uncomfortably straightening his dress uniform’s perfectly starched lapel -- “intel you’ve uncovered.”

As if on cue, Lemar poked his head out of the door of the plane. “Sorry! They can’t wait!”

John was pretty sure that she didn’t buy the lie, but she accepted it as her hand dropped. “My office will be in touch.” 

He didn’t risk her changing her mind and mumbled an apology as he started past her, desperate to be anywhere else. 

“Oh, Captain Walker?” He paused, an icy feeling of dread creeping even deeper into his chest as she said, "Send your wife my congratulations on your baby boy.”

His breath caught at the statement but he didn’t respond, instead pushing himself up the stairs without giving her anything. He hoped he hadn’t given her anything, but with that statement, who knew?

Lemar waited until they’d closed the door behind them and John had dropped heavily in his seat to stare wide-eyed at the empty chair across from him before he asked, “I didn’t think you guys had told anybody?”

“We hadn’t,” John managed, feeling a shiver make its way up his spine. “I think that was the point.”

Lemar dropped into his line of sight in the chair across from him, his expression deadly serious. “That was definitely the point. You think she’s gonna be a problem?”

Sam Wilson had been the first person overseeing my PTSD treatment after my rescue from captivity by insurgents in Syria, my rescue by John’s 75th Ranger Regiment. Then that thing with the Flag Smashers happened around the time John was called up for Captain America duty in the smallest of “small worlds.” Sam and Bucky did their thing, and we know what happened with John. But Bucky had one job in the interim when Sam headed off into the sunset after the “victory,” as it were, over the Flag-Smashers. It was to keep an eye on me until Dr. Raynor could maybe get me placed somewhere and continue my treatment. My PTSD was much more severe at that point, I was at least more verbal than I started out, but I was not the flippant, social butterfly you’ve been reading in these last few stories. I was a wreck. Jumpy, self-isolated, angry, grief-stricken, some of the scars from my “ordeal” still livid on my body. If anyone would understand, it would be Bucky.

He understood all too well. Maybe he had a thing for damsels in distress. He was very protective, very sweet, he really took care of me. I can’t complain about that. What I can complain about was it was too much for the mess I was, and of course because I was bereaved, I clung to him. And because we were alone a lot, you can guess how that went. I thought maybe it was serendipity. But then when Dr. Raynor came in and saw what had happened, she was furious; he knew he screwed up, and called it quits. Everyone was right, and I know now that they were right, but you can’t tell me it didn’t fucking hurt like my heart was put through a meat grinder. Again.

The funniest part about that was Bucky actually said to Dr. Raynor, “You told me I had nobody, now you’re upset I found someone?” But she told him two codependent people are not the answer to finding a healthy relationship. Looking back on this now, I thought briefly about John. Am I doing this again, or am I in a better place now? Even if I am, is he?

Never mind, there’s nothing else for it, moving in is the order of the day. There was a service that came by to pick up my boxes, the guy was a little annoyed when I told him I had two addresses but I told him Valentina Allegra de Fontaine was my aunt and that the second address we were going to was that of her brother, my father Robert McLovin, a Deputy Director of the CIA, and bro buttoned his pissy lip. I hate pulling the “Don’t you know who I am” card but come on, my Dad lives not that far from the Watchtower (lucky me), it’s not like I’m asking you to drive to Jersey or something.

When we pulled up to the Watchtower, I thanked him profusely and paid him a handsome tip even though it wasn’t that type of service and he seemed to think more highly of me for that. You never know when someone might come in handy for some hijinks in the future, stay on their good side, you know? Then I went inside, security had me use a retinal scanner, and I was through to the elevators, and all the way up. I’d already seen the layout so I knew if I hooked a quick right I could slink down beside the wall to the hallway and maybe have a chance to head towards the bedrooms without being seen.

I was halfway down the wall, looking back over my shoulder with no one in sight, and I turned my face forward right into a large man with salt and pepper hair and an enormous handlebar moustache. He peered at me for a moment, and then boomed out in a Russian accent, “Oh, you must be Liluana McLovin. I remember your father, tremendous adversary in the field, if you are anything like him, eh?” And then he switched to Russian: “So you are here to protect this merry little group of misfits, is that what Valentina has planned for you?” A test, to see if I understood? I could play dumb, or be honest. Best to be honest.

I answered back in Russian, “One never knows what Valentina really has in mind, but we play along until her real motives are made clear, so she won’t move against us.” Then the realization that I’d been made, and the rest of these Thunderbolts were closing in on us. Welp. So much for my stealthy entrance. Switching back to English, I said, “You must be Alexei Shostakov, it’s good to meet you,” and I shook his hand. “I don’t think you were here when I had that little meeting with you all when this place was in the planning stage.”

“Now we’ll all be one big happy family. I’m loving this! Yelena, come here and say hello to your new sister, but be careful, her Russian is very good.” Alexei was grinning ear to ear, I couldn’t say his enthusiasm wasn’t infectious, but it was hard to tell whether it was shared.

“Yes, yes,” Yelena laughed, “I had the pleasure once before. We’ve already been hearing about you all morning, Walker won’t shut up about his time at your mother’s house.” She hooked an arm through mine and started leading me away from the refuge of the bedrooms and down toward the public space of what looked like a lounge. “How did you put up with him for weeks, just the two of you? Was there any point you felt the urge to murder him in his sleep?”

“Oh, several. Especially when he caught a cold, but you know how men can be.” I wasn’t sure if I should be trash-talking John or not, even in fun, so I decided to broaden the jab a little bit. I wasn’t sure in general how this dynamic worked. I could see Yelena appreciated taking shots at John, too, and there was definitely room there for it to become an Olympic level event, but part of my taking shots at John was because... well, let’s be honest, I was having a hard time coming to grips with what I was actually feeling for John, and what I probably shouldn’t be feeling for John, and playground behavior was my coping mechanism. What was it for Yelena?

John was down on the sofas with some of the people I remembered meeting. Bob, who was very sweet; and Ava, who was nice but indifferent... maybe it took her a minute to get to know people, that’s cool as long as she’s not hostile. But John got up when he saw me and gave me a hug.

“Finally, I was beginning to think you’d gotten lost,” he almost bubbled, and I stifled the urge to say something along the line that I almost wished I had.

“Yeah, they finally cornered me,” I half-joked, feeling more uncomfortable than ever.

“Well, sit down, get comfortable...” he started, but I interrupted him.

“I was going to go unpack...” I started, but Yelena interrupted ME.

“Nonsense, unpacking can wait, let’s all hang out, we’re finally all together!” And she dragged John down on the sofa to one side of her and pulled me down on the other. Well, this was awkward.

“Yelena,” John teased, “Why are you such a control freak?”

“Because you don’t know how to behave in social situations.”

“What do you mean, and how are you better, Yelena? It’s not like you get out much unless it’s to murder someone.”

“Ohhhh, ouch, Walker, I think the last time I saw you out, you didn’t even do that much, you missed.”

“Yeah, but that would have been you that I shot.”

“You should be so lucky, Walker.”

And on and on they went. They really had the buddy banter on lock. That was my banter with John. Well, where did that leave me?

But then matters went from bad to worse. Alexei’s voice once again boomed out, “Bucky! Just in time! Have you met Liluana McLovin?”

Fuuuuuuck, here we go.

“We’re acquainted,” Bucky said to Alexei. And then to me, “Hey Lilu, how’s it going?”

I couldn’t even look at him. I just sat there, already miserable next to Yelena, my jaw clenched, and all that came out was, “Barnes.” I could tell all conversation, all witty banter, everything had stopped and everyone was looking at me. The vacuum was forming in my lungs, and I had to get out of there. I stood up, maybe a little too quickly, but whatever.

“I’ll leave you all to it, I’m going to go unpack.” Heh, yeah, I was going to need to do some unpacking on a lot of layers.

“Do you need any help?” John called out as I was walking away.

“Nope.”

I was down that hallway as fast as I could walk because running seemed like more drama than I already caused. I found the room with my name on it, put my finger on the scanner, let myself in, and hurled myself across the bed.

First off, why were Yelena and John so cute? Were he and I ever that cute when we hung out together? I’d like to think so, but I don’t know. She’s just cute in general, she’s funny and petite and her adorable accent. Her white skin and blonde hair and I am not particularly funny. I’m a complete moose at 5’9” and although my weight is listed at 160lbs with the Army, I feel like I’m pushing 180. I don’t have an adorable accent. My skin is brown. I’m loud, I laugh loud, and I snore loud.

Then the fact that they had, at the very least, that whole sibling vibe going on big time. I don’t know how much room there is for two of us to do the same act. I can fully admit to myself that I never had the self esteem for something like this, but now, after everything that’s happened to me, the trauma... I’m cooked. I can’t compete with this. Even though it’s not supposed to be a competition. The only reason it was working before was because it was just me and him, and it looked like Olivia was receding into the distance. Probably all indicators I was not in a place for a healthy relationship and I should stand firm on that.

And then the ugliness with Bucky? But how could I get out of here when Val has shot me down twice when I raised concerns? I felt tears wanting to spring forth out of my eyes, and I fought them back. I didn’t want to break down here. I needed to find someone to get my shit out of here and then I could break down.

Of course, though, I should have known... the knock came at the door. I ignored it. It came again. I ignored it again. It came a third time with a “Liluana, I know you’re in there. Open the door.” It was John.

“No I’m not. I’m dead. I’ve died. RIP me. They’re sending my body home. Please say something nice at my funeral.”

“Come on, Lilu, what’s wrong? Open the door.”

“What’s wrong? This place is a living hell, that’s what’s wrong. I’m going to go home, and I’m going to ask Val to reassign me.”

“Why is it a living hell? Yelena thought she did something wrong, she was just trying to be friendly. And what was all that about with Barnes?” John persisted.

“Oh god, just go away!” Oh god, oh god, oh god, why doesn’t he see? He’s just making it worse.

“Goddamnit, Liluana, let me in!”

I scrambled to find my noise cancelling earbuds and turned on music. I could still feel the concussive pounding on the door, and then finally it stopped. And later, Val texted me.

Aunt Val: “Hey there, you’re not crashing out on me already?” Lilu: “I can’t stay here, Auntie Val.” Aunt Val: “You can and you will. I kept your ass out of prison, you need to do this for me. No more questions, no more prevaricating. This or time, those fraternization charges can always be reopened.” Lilu: “Wow. We’re family.” Aunt Val: “I need you there. As family.” Lilu: “Fine” Aunt Val: “Let Walker in when he comes back.” Lilu: “Fine. Wait, did he text you?” Aunt Val: “Love you.” Lilu: “Love you too Auntie Val”

A minute later, there was the knock on the door. I got up and opened it, and there was John, frowning. I stood back to let him in, and closed it behind him.

“What’s going on with you right now?” he demanded.

“A whole hell of a lot, that’s what. I’m entitled to have my moments, too, John, it’s not always about you. You didn’t have to text Val.”

“I was worried when it went silent in here, and I knew you wouldn’t answer me. What started it?” His tone still didn’t settle out.

“Yelena, to start. Bucky to finish.”

“Let’s start with Bucky, how do you know him?” John asked, still demanding.

“It’s a long story, Sam left me in his care for a bit before I transitioned to Dr. Raynor, things got involved when he knew better, it didn’t help my mental state, I’d have preferred never to see him again for the rest of my life. Next question.” I made sure I made eye contact throughout that entire answer because I wasn’t evasive, I was hurt and pissed off, big difference.

“And Yelena?” he asked, drilling down on this mercilessly.

“Yelena is a doll, she’s perfectly charming. I don’t have a problem with her.”

“There’s obviously a problem,” he retorted.

“The problem is there’s no room for me in this. You all had your tight-knit group, your found family, and the only reason there was room for me was because you had to split up while you waited for your headquarters to be finished. Now you’re back to normal. You and Yelena have the same thing that you and I have. I think now, looking back, that I must have been a substitute Yelena while you two were apart. That’s fine, I wish I’d known though.” Oh ouch, now that I said it I realize it’s true and it hurt.

John paused, I could see his wheels turning. “I don’t think you were a substitute. I mean, okay, fine, I like that kind of interaction. But you and her are completely different in my mind.”

“It doesn’t feel different, it doesn’t look different, and it doesn’t sound any different, John, and I’m not going to compete with that. There’s no room for me here. I just wanted to go back, but Val has insisted I stay, so I’ll figure out a way to make the best of it. Just let me figure that out on my own, okay?”

“You don’t even want to know how you’re different?” he asked, again trying to push to the heart of the matter, but I found felt my airway constricted.

“Is it going to make things better or worse?” I finally looked at him. “Because all of this right now really sucks.”

He walked over to me, cupped my face in his hands, and said, “Liluana, I...” But then yet another knock on the door and Yelena’s voice.

“Walker, are you in there with Lilu? Walker, I need you for something very important.”