the funeral was quiet, but all the same

Being on your phone at work:

”Jesus Christ, what is that?”

”How is it alive?”

"What does it want?"

”Will it hurt me?”

”Will it hurt my children?”

It's only natural to ask questions like this when encountering such a disgusting creature, but rest assured- it's quite harmless!

Meet the hampter.

Hammers are Europe's largest species of insect. They are mostly found in plains, mountains, parking lots, underpasses, the savannah, landfills, trees, and shurbs. They are heavily endangered because they are too stupid to drink water if it's not in a water bottle manufactured for small animals. But evolution has produced a remarkable solution: a female hamper can lay thousands of eggs every day! Most of her young will die of dehydration, but the sheer numbers of hamspers makes it inevitable that at least some will find a water bottle and thus survive to sexual maturity.

Hapster biologist Dr. Lexapro Beaufort said in an interview, "I know of them. They like to sniff around in the dirt for seeds and grass and discarded cigarettes. They like to dig holes in the ground. They were not created by the same God that created everything else."

They can even be kept as pets! One proud hamser mommy had this to say. "Yeah, mine is named Keith and he fucking sucks. He just hides in a hole and only comes out when he hears me rattling my adderall prescription."