team player;

x

Zoya had an opinion on everything and everyone, but Joss was probably one of the few people who constantly fluctuated. She was…fluid, for the lack of a better word, while also staying consistent in being that way. It was plain and simple…different. And as Zoya was now on a mission to figure out her fellow Eves, she loved the idea of learning more about the exact ways in which this ‘different’ appeared in all of them. And loved that she finally got a chance to do so with Joss. 

As the other complained about things which Zoya would describe as trivial, she found herself chuckling gently at the way those complaints were delivered. There was something oddly humorous about Joss, even when she was being serious. “Well praise Lord for bestowing such hardship on you and not the rest of us, I mean, all of that and you’re till a ten? Must be nice.” she then approached, knowing full-well she did not know first thing about braiding hair and this endeavour would probably end up with a shaved head or a massive matted hair lock. “I’ll do it, idle hands are the devils workshop after all.”

-

Though her mood had soured, Zoya’s words managed to elicit a laugh out of Joss, albeit small and tired. The smile remained on her face as she moved toward the other girl, her shoulders less tense than they had been and her demeanour less combative already, “More like a minus ten,” she realised it wasn’t the most clever way to encapsulate her feelings but it was hard to keep up with Zoya’s wit, she had found. “-but cheers, you make me feel like a solid three,” she added, her smile brightening for just a moment.

“Devil’s workshop,” Joss repeated the phrase as she sat in front of Zoya, trusting her completely with the task quite literally at hand.  “This whole island feels like the Devil’s bloody workshop and he’s working at driving everybody crazy bit by bit,” she decided, playing with a leaf on the ground in front of her as she crossed her legs comfortably. “At least we’ve got our hands pretty much full with making a new camp,” she suggested, “-and keeping bugs out of our bum cracks,” she added, shifting her position on he ground when she felt a twig poking in the thigh.

-

But at least you tried. Jenny’s lips tightened a little before they nodded their head with a solemn softness, eyes trained on the ground in front of them. They didn’t want the take away to be that they shouldn’t have tried. It wasn’t the message they wanted to come of it, especially not to Joss right now with all things considered. But they often wondered if things would have turned out the same way if they hadn’t. If they had just left well enough alone– or was it always too late by the time they confessed their feelings? Probably. But probably didn’t make it easier. They looked over at her when she spoke again. Intrigued by her words, by the hopefulness of them. “ Maybe. ” They repeated, like they agreed but they couldn’t really commit to it. “ I hope so. ” They added, more for Joss’ sake than their own. Of course things wouldn’t be different when it came to Mia, but maybe it would be different in that they would be better about it. It was easy to think so here without all the reminders of her, they just had to keep it up when they got home. If they did got home. A small smile tugged at the corner of their lips, “ Yeah, that’s true. I don’t think I would’ve been able predict anything in the last two and a bit weeks in, like, a million years. ” Especially not this conversation, they thought.

“ I, uh– ” They hesitated for a split second, but they knew they had to say it. Not only for their own sake, but it was sort of like a segue had been handed to them on a plate. “ I haven’t told Shane any of that, about my friend, by the way. ” They admitted, glancing over at her again for a brief gage of reaction before they looked ahead once more and continued, “ I tried, once, but it just– it didn’t come out right and I freaked myself out and chickened out of it. ” It felt a little over simplified to explain it that way, but boiled down that was it. They had gotten a whiff of Shane not totally understanding a situation that Jenny did a shit job of explaining and backed away from it. “ And I’m not saying don’t mention it to her but just, you know, give me a little longer to try it again? ” They asked, looking to her again. Though a genuine request, they wondered how obvious their angle was. Mentioning Shane and outright implying they would be talking again soon enough. 

-

Joss narrowed her eyes slightly at Jenny’s request, trying to understand where it came from. It seemed like a weird sort of a subject to stumble on with Shane, not that Joss was unfamiliar with how difficult it was to open up about your bad experiences sometimes. Still, there was something just slightly jarring about the request that Jocelyn couldn’t quite understand, even if she was prepared to adhere to it without hesitation. “Yeah of course,” she insisted, as if it was obvious, as if she had some sort of a sterling reputation for keeping secrets. “I won’t say anything- not that me and Shane are even talking to each other but if we were, I still wouldn’t say anything,” she insisted and believed it to be true. She was prone to gossiping about others but there was something about the rawness of Jenny’s explanation that made it feel sacred between them. “Was...this friend of yours a bit more than a friend?” she felt out of place asking and knew that Jenny had no obligation to share if they actively had decided not to already but it remained that the curiosity was too much for Joss to hold back. “I just mean, is that why it’s a bit awkward?” she clarified, though she wasn’t sure it necessarily helped the situation.

-

They can’t lie, it’s fucking weird to have someone ask about Mia so directly. Even though Joss didn’t know she was doing it, it was weird. They’d had a little practice talking about her in brief moments since being on the island. In speaking to Shane about how a nameless person used to mess with their emotions, called them jealous to dismiss their feelings. In Jude saying ‘except for that one girl’ when talking about their friends (or lack there of) at school. In talking to Halima about Joss and Shane’s fight had reminded them of an old friendship. But those weren’t direct. Those weren’t ‘what happened?’. “ Um, ” They pressed their lips together a second, eyes now on the ground when they’d previously been looking over at Joss fairly easily. “ I guess not super different to you. I had this friend and she was, you know, my everything. We were attached at the hip, she always got me in a way that I never even really understood myself. And we had a really bad fight. We fought all the time and it didn’t mean anything but this one did. ” They said, their words being picked carefully. There was such a line in not wanting to diminish Mia to just a story, just a part of their past. And not wanting to lay out their entire fucked up bullshit to someone who was so close to Shane. If Shane knew the truth about Mia, if Joss told her, then what would Shane think of them? “ So I went to her house. I wanted to, like, talk it out. Apologise. I dunno, honestly. I just went there and had it in my head that if I just said how I felt, and if she said how she felt, then we would go back to normal like we usually did and it would all be okay. ” It occurs to them while they’re already in too deep what they’re talking about. That day. The last time they saw her. Three days later is when they’d be told and would be the start of the spiral that led them here. They swallow a small lump as it threatened to form in their throat, clear it quietly before they continued. “ But, um, it didn’t. I just made it worse. ” They offered with a sad sort of chuckle. I told her I loved her and she fucking killed herself two days later? Yeah, jesus, not really the note they wanted to leave it on. So they had to deviate, and that’s hard. It’s really hard because they don’t want to lie about her. They don’t want to lie to Joss right now either. But they can’t say it. For many fucking reasons, they can’t say it. “ We haven’t spoken since. Her family moved pretty soon after for, like, work or something so that– I dunno, I was gonna say helped but it didn’t. It just … gave it some distance. ” They said, finishing it with a small shrug. 

-

When Jenny talked about their friend and likened it to Joss’ situation, she couldn’t help but feel a slight stir of anxiety in the pit of her stomach. She was my everything. Was that how it seemed to Jenny? That Lucy was Jocelyn’s everything? Was that true? Joss swallowed hard and promptly reminded herself that this was Jenny’s moment. Jenny was opening up to Joss, exposing themselves and being sincere and Joss was thinking about herself and her own situation, as she so often did, like a dickhead. Her tongue met with the edge of her back teeth and she focused on the other Eve intently then. “Fuck,” she sighed at the conclusion of Jenny’s story, “-but at least you tried,” she insisted and meant it sincerely. At least Jenny hadn’t just buried their bloody head in the sand, they had made an effort and though it hadn’t worked out, it was honorable nonetheless. At least as far as Joss knew.

She pondered things for a moment or so, considering whether to share what was on her mind or not. Would it help? Would it sound silly? Was it wishful thinking and selfish wishful thinking at that? “Maybe things will be different when we go home,” she suggested anyway. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t already made a fool out of herself, what was one more comment? “Not that I haven’t learned a shit load from this island but if there’s one lesson I can take home it’s probably that you can’t really predict anything,” like crashing on a desert island or having a mental breakdown over a relatively minor flood on said island, for example.

-

Now that the few journals they’d managed to save were dry, Erin had unpacked the entirety of the first aid kit– or what remained of it, out on a t shirt. Making note of everything, exactly what they had left, ignoring dried blood stains where things couldn’t simply be wiped clean. Which was admittedly most of the blood stains. But it was fine. She was fine. Or at least, if she thought that enough times over, surely it would be true, right? She packed it all up again once she was done, setting aside shirt to be washed later or tomorrow. Whenever, she supposed. 

When Joss spoke, she looked up, setting aside now folded shirt to her side. She didn’t speak immediately. She hated that she felt like everyone watched her and Joss every time they spoke to one another. But whether it was real or not, Joss was still her friend. And if (almost) anyone else had asked, she would offer too. “ Yeah, I can, ” She called out, friendly smile planted on her face as she set now repacked first aid kit on top of the shirt at her side. “ Come take a seat, ” She invited, adjusting her seat a little and patting the ground in front of her. “ My sister trained me to braid her hair, like, as soon as I could hold things, I think. I’m basically a pro now. ” She said like it was some kind of brag. It was certainly something she was a little proud of.

-

Joss had gotten into the habit of relying on Erin as of late, something she had to remind herself not to do, lest she find herself inevitably disappointed if Erin ever got sick of her or found a better suited friend to dote on. It didn’t however, stop her from naturally drifting toward Erin, the moment the other girl appeared and spoke, “Cheers,” she mused warmly, following Erin’s lead as she sat down in front of her. 

She couldn’t help but chuckle at Erin’s anecdote, particularly at how familiar it felt, “Yep, snap, I used to have hair brushing privileges, braiding and then later the benefit of making Jess a coffee or a tea every time I left my bedroom,” she would give anything to be at home with her sibling now, even if it meant having to trudge downstairs to put the kettle on for her. She had taken so much for granted. “I can’t do it on my bloody self though, never have been able to- it’s like, I’m so shit at tanning my back too but Jess never had any trouble with it,” she didn’t think Erin had much experience with fake tan, admittedly but maybe she would still understand. She wondered if Erin was the more capable of the Walsh sisters, it was hard to imagine that she wasn’t. Maybe Erin’s sister was the Joss of their family and Erin was the Jess instead.

-

Odessa was sat on a log, writing in one of the Dawn of Eve journals that was positioned on her lap. She was noting down a list of concerns, things that needed to be addressed now that they were located somewhere different. Like how they were going to keep an eye out for rescue boats in the ocean if they were all the way in the jungle. Rescue watch? She’d written as a potential solution. SOS signs along shore? was another she’d noted down. If they weren’t primarily going to be located on the beach, there had to be something there that let others know people were on the island and they needed help.  It was then that she heard someone speak, looking up to find Joss stood near the center of camp. Her lips tugged to the right slightly, a small smirk forming. “I’ve got you,” she spoke up, closing the notebook, her pen lodged in between the pages so she could go back to it once she was done volunteering her services. She waved Joss over then. This was going to be fun, she thought. Joss wasn’t someone Odessa spent a lot of time with but she figured that could change. 

-

“Thank you- sorry,” gratitude and apologies were something Joss reached for as a matter of natural instinct. It was part of the deal when it came to being a complete pushover, it seemed. Though she’d had an increasing number of emotional outbursts and demonstrations of outlandish behaviour recently, it seemed to still managed to revert to true form eventually. “Were you writing something?” it was pretty bloody obvious that indeed, Odessa had been writing or at least drawing something, unless Joss had completely misinterpreted the act of putting pen to paper. Still, she was trying to make conversation, something she might have struggled with less if she didn’t feel like the resident psycho after yelling at Shane.

bev’s interest peaked when she heard a tension in jocelyn’s voice, wondering what the latest conflict could be. however, as she listened in to the other’s complaints, she couldn’t help but feel some sympathy for her. “babe, you’re gorgeous.” she nodded as she reassured the other. “hell, i really wish i hadn’t done theses like blonde streaks before we ended from a salon.” she made her way over to the other one. “look, we’re all sunburnt and shit, but im sure like modern medicine or whatever can take care of like what’s going on with us so by the time we get that magazine cover, we’ll be fucking smokin’.”

she couldn’t contain her excitement at jocelyn’s request, what better way to bond a bit more and focus on something that wasn’t so bear grylls. “sure, i could give it a shot, what type of braid are you thinking?”

-

Joss’ features softened at the sound of Bev’s words, she was genuinely warmed by the compliment. She didn’t feel gorgeous but she also didn’t expect Bev to waste her breath on lying to Joss to make her feel better, so she liked to think that the other girl had meant what she said. She observed Bev’s streaks for a moment at the mention of them. At first, admittedly, Joss had thought they were sort of tacky, like they belonged to somebody who was trying to make a point of how edgy they were. Then she had learned that Bev was every bit as edgy as she looked, which made it kind of cool. “I actually love them,” maybe love was a strong word but she’d already said it now, “It just- like, not that you wouldn’t look good without them but it’s just such a part of how I see you, I guess- does that make sense?” she wasn’t sure if anything she said made much sense anymore, she could feel her grip on verbal communication slipping further each day. “I literally had a hair appointment booked and cancelled it at the last minute,” because she didn’t have the guts to answer her hairdresser when she inevitably asked how things were going at school, whether Joss had a boyfriend yet, whether she was looking forward to formal later that year, once Joss knew she probably wouldn’t be attending.

-

They nodded with understanding as Joss spoke. It was all a little too familiar. Of course, they came from very different worlds, very different points on the social ladder, and the outcomes of final fights with their ex best friends Jenny hoped to be exceedingly different– but that doesn’t stop it from being familiar. The following after someone, the being attached constantly, the having no fucking idea what to do in the face of the loss. They allowed the words a moment to breathe. To sit there on their own. As they thought over what they wanted to say. Because they couldn’t blurt out just how much they understood. That they’d been so off the rails and lost and angry and confused when they lost Mia. That they still felt her fucking effect on them even now. They didn’t want to say any of it. Because it wasn’t nice. It wasn’t optimistic. It was fucking horrible. “ It fucking sucks, right. Losing that person, that thing you’re, like, centred on. ” They said, about as much as they could give when it came to revealing their own best friend history. Just a soft, yep, I completely know how it feels. “ It’s like free fall, in the aftermath. ” They add, knowing that dizzying spinning feeling way too well. And that you would just cling to fucking anything to get it to stop. You’d cling to a theory that some blonde girl you crashed on an island with was some secret bag operative, for example. “ I wish I could say I know how to fix it, how to feel okay without that thing, or that someone, but I don’t know. What I can say, though, is if you wanna fill your time with whatever thing you can find to do, collecting fruit, firewood, laundry, whatever to distract yourself, maybe we can do it together sometimes. ” They suggested, it’s a genuine offer but they do feel the need to lighten it. Make it less depressing. Just a tad. Especially now Joss was becoming emotional about it. “ You know, on our fancy new clean slate. ” They added, joking lightly, with a small grin pulling up their features. 

Yeah, they supposed it was a lot easier for them to shake off what other’s thought of them. They’d been pretty low on the food chain most of their life, learning early on that only certain people’s opinions of you really mattered. But, they can’t help the sympathy they feel when Joss starts to crack. “ I don’t think they hate you. Like, not for real. ” They offered genuinely, looking over at her. Thinking about maybe reaching out a comforting touch, but deciding against it. Wherever they were right now was brand new and fragile, they didn’t want to push it. “ Confused, yeah. Pissed, probably. Hate? Nah. ” They said. “ Like, seriously, I don’t think anyone hates you. Or even dislikes you. Not really. ” Despite that they’d just said it didn’t matter if people didn’t get over Joss leaving, they didn’t think it would actually genuinely be a problem. As far as Jenny could see, most of the group thought the sun shone out of Joss’ ass before she left. It wouldn’t take much longer to get back to it. The whole survival thing made it hard to hold a grudge, they thought. 

-

Joss clenched her jaw slightly, her eyes carefully searching Jenny’s features as she considered the question that was on the tip of her tongue. “What happened?” she asked in perhaps not the most eloquent way she could have. Had she spent a moment or two longer on the matter she might have found a better approach but it was equally as possible that she would have never asked at all if she’d thought about it for more time than she had. “With your person?” was that the her Jenny had mentioned or was Shane the her? It was becoming increasingly difficult to tell and the more it did, the more Joss wanted to know. 

She half smiled at the mention of their fancy new clean slate, “I found a pretty good spot for drying clothes,” actually Clarke had but that wasn’t important, “Not to brag or anything,” she offered, trying to match the other Eve’s efforts to ease the tension between them.

She twisted her mouth as she thought about what Jenny was saying and considered how much she actually believed it instead of how much she wanted to believe it. “Maybe,” she conceded. Erin certainly didn’t hate her, it didn’t feel like Clarke hated her, Lex and Nyla almost definitely hated her and Shane was on the cusp but the rest of the Eves were somewhere in between. “Maybe I just need to come back to camp with a party-sized bag of chips or somebody else’s suitcase,” she offered with a small chuckle, another attempt to keep things light though she felt like she was one adverse comment away from crying at any given moment, truth be told.

“What the fuck?” she said out loud as her fingers snagged on a knot in her long hair and pulled out a clump of strands as she pulled them away. She stared at the hair for a moment or so before shaking it off of her hand and letting it fall to the ground, “Great,” she chimed, “My roots are showing, my skin is falling off, I’ve got a break out on my chin and now I’m going fucking bald- next my bloody teeth are going to fall out,” she whined, frustrated with the week’s events and the unpleasantness of their new camp’s locations. “I’m so over this,” she muttered to herself. 

She took a deep breath, trying to collect herself and moved closer to the center of camp then, 

-

“ Probably not, and that’s very true, ” Jenny conceded with ease. They didn’t think their voice had much sway in the group. Even if they were louder and more confident, they didn’t think it would. And they didn’t think it should either, they were fine with being in the background. “ But still, I wish I did more. ” To make Erin and Joss feel safe, to make them feel wanted, to make them feel welcome, to make them feel valued. It wasn’t much about whether the others would listen to them or not, or whether it would have made them stay, it was just that they let that roll by. The idea that they’d be cool if the group fucked over it’s own members like that.

They could agree with that. That Joss overreacted, but they weren’t stupid. They knew it wasn’t all about them. They had known that before their apology. And it seemed Joss understood that too with how she continued. Drawing Jenny in with her best attempt to explain what was going through her head and what she was feeling. They nodded in understanding. They knew that feeling. Not as much with Shane, though it did rear it’s ugly head in moments, but more so in reflecting on their connection with Mia. How good it felt to have her attention, to have her talking to you like you were her whole world. And then how horrific it felt when she left. When you weren’t her whole world, because you never could be, because that would never be healthy even if it’s the only thing you wanted. They don’t suspect it’s all that dramatic, what Joss was describing, but they felt there had to be some sort of empathy of their past experience to draw on. They joined her in a soft, tired sort of chuckle when she said she had some shit going on. “ Yeah, no shit, ” They mused, hoping their tone sort of said ‘same here,’ rather than sounding like a dick. They took another second to think on what else to say, what else they wanted to say, what would be helpful. They weren’t sure. They were a professional at fucking things up, the whole trying to make things right was still pretty fucking new to them. “ I get you though, I like– ” They paused briefly, head tilting slightly as they went over what was about to come out of their mouth. “ Like, it’s not the same, but maybe it’s sorta close. But I just get, like, so caught up in people. And caught up in things in general. In things that make me feel good, that I just– I forget that I’m, like, a person without those things. Does that make sense? ” They ask, not really sure where they were going with this attempt to show Joss her feelings weren’t absurd or alone. That Jenny, to some degree, related. “ I’m trying not to be like that. And, I don’t know, sometimes I think I’m doing okay. And then sometimes I feel like I’m just distracting myself constantly until I can get back to her. ” Her. They heard it and quickly corrected herself. “ Or the thing, you know, whatever. ”

They didn’t think they wanted to talk that much more about that feeling. With how they both loved and hated feeling it. With how they wondered if they would ever live without it, if they would ever be complete without it and without someone to be the object of that feeling. So they moved on. Back to something else Joss said. “ I think people will get over it. The you and Erin leaving thing. ” They clarified. “ And, honestly, if they don’t? Sounds like a fucking them problem. You left, you came back, what the fuck did they do about either of those things? Besides be a bunch of bitches about it. ”

-

Joss pressed her lips together, stifling her smile as Jenny addressed, head on, the fact that Joss very clearly had some shit going on. Joss had spent so much time hiding it from other people, from her friends, from her parents and now from the other Eves that it was a strange and funny feeling to have somebody acknowledge that perhaps Jocelyn King wasn’t quite as put together as she liked others to think, perhaps things weren’t as easy for her as she made them out to be.

She carefully digested each of Jenny’s words, wishing they were more difficult to relate to than they actually were. Joss didn’t think they had anything in common other than Shane but perhaps it wasn’t about Shane at all, it was about them. If it wasn’t Shane, could it have been somebody else? Joss wondered. “Yeah,” there it was again, that simple word that had felt like it had lost all meaning by now, though it remained just about the only thing that Joss could form with the shape of her lips as the understanding of Jenny’s words and their meaning sank in. She couldn’t help the way her eyebrows lifted slightly at the word ‘her’ and then again at Jenny’s efforts to correct herself, too little, too late. “Before I came here I had a really, really bad fight with my best friend,” she explained, “Like, we stopped talking,” more accurately Lucy had stopped talking to Joss, had blocked her on all social media and had instructed her friends and especially her brother to do the same. “-but before that I always had a best friend, like, we saw each other every single day, we always hung out on weekends and after school and I swear we never went more than a couple of hours without talking,” except on the frequent occasions when Lucy used radio silence to drive Joss insane, making it seem like she was out doing exciting things...or exciting people without the soccer captain in tow. “-and she’s like, so much. She’s fucking gorgeous and confident and everybody is just obsessed with her so I just always sort of followed her lead and now I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing- except crying and yelling and tackling people and taking my top off in front of everybody apparently,” which was suffice to say that she was completely lost.   “So, yeah, that makes sense,” she concurred, “It makes a lot of sense,” her added, her voice a little shaky. 

She shook her head then and shrugged her shoulders, “I can’t just shake it off like that,” she confessed. Now that her façade had cracked, she was having trouble holding any of it back, “I can’t just have people hate me or call me names or whatever, I hate it so much,” she couldn’t handle it at home so she’d been sent to the Dawn of Eve Retreat and if she couldn’t handle it here, where else was there left to go?

-

Cool. Awesome. Now Jenny had to actually get these apologies out. Wasn’t the worst of apologies they’d had to deliver in their life, not by a long shot, but that didn’t make them easy. “ Okay, I guess it makes sense to start from the beginning, ” They prefaced, taking a small breath in as they tried to iron out the plan they’d had in their head. “ You said you felt like there was some sort of wall between us, and I can’t really pretend I didn’t have something to do with that feeling. I took one look at you on that first day, heard the first thing you said, ” They couldn’t even remember what it was, but they supposed it was more metaphorical than anything else “ and decided I knew what sort of person you were. Didn’t think I needed to know anything else, and if I’m honest I didn’t care to know anything else because I didn’t think you’d prove me wrong. And that wasn’t fair of me, and I’m sorry for that. ” 

There was certainly more things they had to apologise for. Like how they had pushed the idea that Joss was up to something simply because she got up and ran every morning. Because she found two bags. But, that was a lot of context to give. And they’d have to admit it was Shane they were talking to about all of that. And that Shane had agreed with them. And that felt completely counterproductive. So they moved past it all to just before the two week mark. “ I’m sorry that you and Erin didn’t feel safe in the group after we met the others and I’m sorry for my part in that. ” Maybe it’s a little bold to say it like that, and they wondered if Joss would contest it, but they felt they knew it was true. “ I said that I was for working with them, and I’m not apologising for that, ” To be frank, if the group showed up again they’d still be for working with them, “ But I’m sorry if my saying that made you think I was gonna do it if you guys weren’t down with it too. Or that I would support anyone else doing it when you guys or anyone else wasn’t comfortable with it. I wish I’d said more and, like, made it known that it had to be we’re all in or we’re all out. But I didn’t, so I’m sorry for that. ” 

Final one. They took another small breath, knowing they were in the final stretch but this was perhaps the one that made the least sense. “ And I’m sorry me and Shane left the other night. ” They didn’t know how the other’s would be received, but this apology was one they were expect the most push back on. Shane had said it, Halima had said it, they couldn’t have known the tide was coming. But Jenny didn’t feel that was the point. “ No one knew where we were, and I know me and Shane don’t have, like, awesome track records when it comes to leaving camp so I should have thought about it, but I didn’t. I just– ” They hesitate slightly. There’s a whole list of excuses in their head. They were drunk. They were embarrassed by some of the cards. They were overwhelmed by the explosive nature of the group. They just wanted to be with Shane. But none of it matters, they suppose. They left, they fucking left and they let Shane leave too when they’d seen the effects Joss leaving had on her. They let out a small breath, a conceding shrug as they spoke again. “ I just should have thought about it. And I’m sorry I didn’t. I’m sorry we snuck off and you and the rest of the group were left to worry about where we were. ” There’s one more thing. One thing that isn’t true, but they’d decided they would say it. They would take it on. What was a little more weight? “ Shane wanted to go back to the group, to the fire, and I said I didn’t want to. I asked her to stay with me. So it’s my fault we weren’t there in the morning. And I know she won’t say that, or she’ll deny it completely but it was and I’m sorry. That I did it and for what it caused. ” 

-

It would have been a lie for Joss to say that she wasn’t the slightest bit anxious about whatever it was that Jenny had in mind to say to her. She receive a whole lot of apologies, not many sincere apologies anyway and part of her couldn’t help but wonder if this was a power move and not an act of sincerity at all. She tried to push that part of her to the back of her mind, to turn down the volume and ignore it for as long as she couldn’t but she still couldn’t deny that it was there and it was making her stomach twist into knots as moments passed between the pair. 

“Thank you,” she said before she could think it through or even consider stopping it. It rare occasion when people thought about Joss as a person and not just as the sum of her parts; her prefect blazer, her notoriously mean best friend,  her soccer captaincy or even her blonde hair and straight teeth. She was used to other people deciding who she was, for better or worse and for the most part, she was too weak to do anything about it. “-but I get it, like, it’s fair,” maybe fair wasn’t the right word but understandable perhaps was, “I pretty much did the same thing,” because she didn’t know how to get to know people, she based her opinion of someone on who their parents were, what school they went to, whether they wore good clothes or had a cool Instagram. 

She clenched her teeth at the mention of the others, wondering if Shane had said something to Jenny about why Joss had felt so uncomfortable in the lions den as it were. As Jenny continued, however, Joss felt safe in believing that she hadn’t. She took a breath in and considered the other’s words for a moment, “I- I don’t think it would have mattered,” she explained, “I want to believe that we all have a voice here but I still think that some are louder than others,” and if and when Jenny chose to use their voice, Joss couldn’t help but believe that it would be ignored, drowned out. Maybe they had that in common. “I don’t blame you,” she did blame some of the Eves but she didn’t blame Jenny. 

When the final apology came, it caused a rosy blush to swell on Jocelyn’s cheeks and she dropped her gaze sheepishly for a moment, even kicking at a rock in the dirt before she met Jenny’s eyes again. “I overreacted,” it was true, it was plain and simple, “I freaked out thinking you guys were in the cave when it flooded and I just lost my mind,” she confessed, the words coming out before she could stop them, “-and like- no, it’s not heaps cool that you fucked off without telling anybody but it- I don’t know, I don’t know why it did my head in so badly, I’m just mad about everybody having a go at me and Erin, I’m mad at all my stuff being wet and I’m mad that- that you guys just get to go somewhere and have a nice time and I’m just- look, I’m not in love with Shane, okay, I need to say that before I say anything else, I know everybody loves to have a crack about it every time I open my mouth but it’s not that. It ‘s just like- I would love to feel like safe and loved and like good for five seconds and every now and then Shane is that person for me and then she’s just not and it fucking hurts and that’s not your fault or like anybody’s fault but it just- it’s shit,” she caught her breath for a moment, “-and then I just find some peace with Erin and we’re like getting along and I feel normal for once and now that’s the crime of the century and so I’m just mad about stuff and that’s seriously not your fault, seriously,” she probably could have talked Jenny’s head off for another hour or so, the other Eve had already gotten more out of her than her actual school counsellor but for now, Joss was catching her breath and left it at that. “I just have some shit going on,” her own words made her laugh, “Like- obviously, I have some shit going on,” and Jenny probably thought she was a lunatic by now and maybe that was fair.  

-

The soft laugh Joss gave was sort of relieving. Earning a small momentary smile of their own. A quick upturn of their lips. A small break in what was the most real conversation that Jenny and Joss had probably had together this whole time on the island. They gave a small appreciative nod at the notion that Joss would mean it if the roles were reversed, though they helped they never would be. Even though Joss fumbled through the words, Jenny understood and found themselves a little touched by the honesty. Again, not something they were expecting from her, but they were learning that maybe most of their expectations of Joss were wrong. That, yeah, they were kind of a cunt for looking at that blonde hair, the couple dismissive comments, and the stories of travelling across the world and deciding they knew exactly the sort of person Joss was in the first couple days. 

A clean slate. Jenny nodded, though they weren’t quite ready to go to that. It wouldn’t be fair. That Joss had apologised for not knowing them when they’d done quite a bit to make sure that wall was between them. “ Yeah, I think I’d like that. ” They said, offering soft smile with those words. Before their head dipped for a moment as they continued “ But, uh, before that, ” They hesitated, apologies were never easy. But Jenny knew they owed Joss some, whether she thought that or not. “ I have a couple apologies I’d like to get out first. If you’re, you know, open to hearing them? ” 

-

Joss couldn’t help the look on her face when Jenny insisted that they had some apologies to deliver before they proceeded. Apologies? Plural? A couple of them? Joss couldn’t even guess what the first would be for, let alone those that followed it. “Yeah,” she offered, trying to play it cool with a half smile and her eyebrows no longer raised enough to threaten her hair line. She had realised, by now, that the word ‘yeah’ had become a placeholder for ‘I don’t know what to say and I don’t have the energy to figure it out’ probably for both of them but sometimes it was the best she could do. “I’m open,” she had only on very rare occasions been particularly open with the other Eves but she was trying and that was important. 

-

“ I didn’t say that. ” They respond to the claim that they didn’t have to like her, and they mean it as a joke but their tone doesn’t quite match. The conversation was somewhat solemn– or genuine was probably a better word, but it was hard to switch between tones so they clarified a moment later. “ I do like you, but that’s not what I’m saying. ” Like was probably a strong word. But then again, maybe it wasn’t. They hadn’t thought all that much about how they personally felt about Joss in days, maybe even a full week. It was all about how Shane felt about her, and the group felt about her, and now it wasn’t even about how anyone felt about her it was how Joss herself was feeling. It wasn’t about Jenny. And even when it was, most of the time they tried to melt into the background. “ There’s not a whole lot of sense saying shit you don’t mean here, I don’t think. ” They said, reflecting a little as their walk continued. They had lied, they had down played, they had over exaggerated, they had regretted things, but they had meant them all. In some way or another, they thought. “ And I thought, maybe if our positions were switched, and you were thinking that, I would probably wanna hear it, you know? ”

-

Whether it was genuine or whether it was a cheeky jab, Jenny’s comedic timing made Joss laugh softly, she couldn’t help it. It was a welcome break, whether it had been intentional or not. When Jenny continued, she swallowed hard, trying to regain her composure so as not to seem like the kid in class that laughed at everything, disrupting the rest of the cohort- she was that kid but Jenny didn’t need to know that. 

Joss considered the other Eve’s words more seriously now, silence as she mulled them over and formulated her response and how she hoped it would sound. “Yeah,” she concurred, she did know. “-and if our roles were reversed, I would mean it too,” she offered, folding her arms across her chest, “I said before I didn’t give you much and I um, I don’t really have a good reason for that,” she had a reason, not a good one, “So, I’m sorry- I just feel like I don’t-” she was picking her words carefully and they still sounded wrong, so she paused, catching her breath with a short inhale, “I feel like I don’t really know you, a bit, I guess,” she sounded so unsure of herself, like she was waiting for somebody else to pat her on the head or tell her to shut up. “I just feel like there’s a brick wall between us so when I say shit or I do shit I don’t- it’s not because I don’t like you, I don’t not not like you, I just don’t know you,- and I thought I didn’t want to- I thought I didn’t want to know you but I also thought you were going to bash me with a rock because the rest of the group told you to so I...I have to rethink some things and maybe we can have a clean slate between us,” 

-

The only shocking thing about all that Joss said, was that she said it at all. To Jenny, of all fucking people. They hadn’t really anticipated it. They’d thought she’d take them up on their offer of telling them to fuck off. Or maybe a quick easy lie in the face of what was, at its most basic, a yes or no question. But no, Jenny got truth. So they let her say it, letting it all come out before they even started trying to formulate a response. Looking over at her as they listened, their only responses before she caught her breath being a shake of their head at mention of how they had been brought into the fight the day before and a soft amused exhale through their nose at mention of a rock. 

“ No, it’s cool. I get you. I figured it would be, like, a pretty complex question. ” They said. And they were grateful for the vulnerability, but kept it to themselves rather than make any sort of deal out of it. “ If I’m honest I’m not sure I really expected you to answer it at all. ” They admitted. “ Which, would’a been fair. It’s not like I’ve given you a whole lot of reason to. ” Nor had they especially helped with any of the shit that she’d mentioned to effect her okay-ness, but they’d build to that. 

“ But I’m glad you did. ” They said, before they paused a brief moment. Holding their tongue for the shortest moment as they considered mentioning Shane and what they had said to her. They figured no harm in repeating their words, but maybe leaving out they’d already said it. “ It’s no good holding everything in– and I hate saying that shit ‘cause it makes me sound like some sort of school counsellor but like it’s true. It sucks ass but it’s true. ”

They allow a small beat, a few more steps. The subjects Joss brought up were sensitive, the things Jenny wanted to apologise for were sensitive. Her vulnerability had been a good stepping stone, but Jenny wanted a little more stable ground. More of a bridge than stepping stone. Not really for themselves, they thought it was increasingly obvious that’s what Joss needed. Some sort of stability, safety. Support. “ I don’t know if it’s obvious, ” but they thought they’d like to hear it if they were in Joss’ shoes, “ but Nyla doesn’t speak for the rest of us. Any of us. ” As far as they knew, but what use was saying that? If their goal was to provide some sort of stability in the conversation, in Joss’ place within the group, there was no sense saying something like that. Even if it was true. “ I’m glad you and Erin came back, and I’m really glad you didn’t leave again. Not that I could’ve blamed you if you did, I ran for way less, ” They didn’t mean to say that, to bring up their own shit, and the realisation they did slips across their face briefly. Crinkling their nose for s slight second before they continue with a correction. “ What I mean is I’m glad you stayed, despite it all. ”

-

Joss remained wide-eyed, feeling like a deer caught in headlights, shifting her footing awkwardly as Jenny assured her that they got it. Did they? Joss wasn’t even sure she understood herself but the assurance was comforting regardless. “Yeah, me neither, actually,” she confessed with a huff of a humorless laugh chasing her words. If somebody had told her that she’d be opening up to Jenny by the end of the day, she’d have told them they were dreaming. Her brow furrowed slightly at the words that followed, however, “Nah,” she contested, shaking her head slightly before she had found the words to explain why she felt the need to pull Jenny up on that comment. “It’s a two-way street, hey,” she insisted, “Like, true, you haven’t given me much but I haven’t really given you an opportunity and I haven’t given you much either, so,” she let her words trail, unsure of how to come to a solid conclusion without merely shrugging her shoulders and letting the sentiment hang in the air. 

She clenched her jaw slightly, her gaze dropping away from Jenny’s face for a moment as she digested their words. They did sound a bit like a school counsellor, a concept Joss had become intimately familiar with only just recently. Instead of admitting to her dynamite like way  of expressing herself, she simply nodded her head. She had already exposed enough of herself for the moment, she considered.

-

Stonefish. Jenny was, like, vaguely familiar but from memory they wouldn’t be much use to the group. The whole poisonous thing being a pretty bad sign for them. But Joss did make a pretty good point, most poisonous fish lived in the ocean. They nodded. “ Yeah, I think that’s true. Most poisonous fish are saltwater, not fresh. ” But there were still a few. Thankfully though, Jenny was fairly certain they weren’t common in the tropics. “ Definitely worth checking out, though. Like you said, if there’s fish we could probably spear them. Be a whole lot easier than trying to catch anything in the ocean. ” Which had so far been notably unsuccessful despite the few half assed attempts spread amongst the Eves. 

They nodded again. Mainly just so they didn’t say ‘yeah’ for what felt like the millionth time in the last five minutes. Had they even been walking that long? They took a quick glance over their shoulder, looking back to see how far they were from camp. And they didn’t see it behind them, they didn’t see anyone around them, they didn’t hear anyone around them. Seemed the horrifically awkward small talk had allowed them to cover a decent amount of ground. And hopefully they weren’t too far from the creek that if what they wanted to say pissed Joss off she might just lead them to the creek anyway. “ I, um, ” They hesitated slightly as they looked forward again. “ I actually had a bit of an ulterior motive too. ” They confessed, casting a glance to Joss. What was she thinking? They wondered. With Shane, with most of the Eves really, they’d just ask. But not with Joss. They couldn’t. “ And you can tell me to fuck off if I’m, like, overstepping but uh, I wanted to check in with you. Make sure you’re okay, you know ” They said, trying to ignore that it now felt like the rocks in their stomach were rolling around. “ I can’t even imagine what you’ve been feeling since you got back, or like, when you left. ” They could imagine, but whether or not it was accurate they had no idea. As they had recently confessed to Halima, they didn’t feel like they knew Joss at all. “ So, are you? Like, okay? ” They asked, but after a second they had to add, “ You know, relatively, to the whole crashed on an island thing. ”

-

When push came to shove, even if it was quite literally, Joss liked to think that she had more fortitude than people assumed she did. Unfortunately for Joss, however, the moment Jenny admitted to having an ulterior motive, Joss just sort of flinched a little and took a half step away. That was it, her big defence against a blow to the head or a kidnapping against her will or being throw into a prison pit in the middle of the jungle, just a slight flinch. 

Then her features softened and she registered Jenny’s question - they were asking her if she was okay. After everything Joss had said against Shane, dragging Jenny into their tension as well for no good reason, Jenny was asking Joss if she was okay. “Um,” she didn’t know where to begin, the answer at that very moment was no, she wasn’t okay, she was in shock but that would pass, it wasn’t as if Jenny was a complete monster, it wasn’t totally inconceivable that they might give a shit about somebody, even Joss. “I don’t know,” she admitted sincerely, “I actually don’t know,” she was being far, far more honest that she ever anticipated being with Jenny but there was a reason for it, “I thought I was and then that stuff last night just got really under my skin and I just wanted to leave again maybe even without Erin and then I just went the fuck off at Shane and I didn’t even mean to it just happened,” she hesitated for a moment, realising that she didn’t naturally include Jenny in the collateral, making it quite obvious that her issue had been with Shane on a larger scale and not just about their momentary disappearance as a pair, “-and- and you, I didn’t mean to go off at you either” she corrected, a moment too late, “- and I thought you were going to bash me in the head with a fucking rock out here so, I don’t know, really, I don’t know if I’m okay,” she was saying that a lot and if she was about to take a rock to the head, even after that, maybe that wasn’t a bad thing since she wasn’t making much sense of her words anyway.

She caught her breath and sighed shortly, trying to steady herself, “I didn’t really answer your question, sorry but I- thank you for asking,” she concluded, trying her best to not sound like a complete lunatic when Jenny had asked what was likely supposed to be a very simple question.

-

Jenny nodded, holding back a plain old ‘yeah’ themselves. Hooking a thumb around the strap of their bag as the two walked. “ Yeah, that’s true. Was it, like, deep enough for fish, do you think? ” They asked, casting a glance to Joss, genuinely curious and also hoping that it was a sufficient question to maintain them for a little longer. Both for distance from the group and also to go over the script they had formed in their head a couple more times. Get up the confidence to actually spit it out. To check in, like they’d told Shane. And to apologise. “ I was actually thinking– um, ” They started and sort of regretted it, because there was a decent amount of context that had to be explained. So much for small talk. “ Oona’s been teaching me about traps. How to set them, where to set them. And animals tend to stick around water, right? Because we’ve moved closer to the waterfall, we might have scared some away. I was thinking that some might go looking for another water source. Like a creek. That’s not too far away. ” They said, offering small smile with their words as they revealed why they’d asked about it. At least, the cover reason.

-

“Um,” Joss hummed thoughtfully, genuinely considering the question instead of focusing on the unusual circumstances in which it was presented to her. “I mean, I don’t know- some fish live in like, no water at all, like stonefish,” she realised as she said it that it felt like a very Australian thing, “I don’t know if you have them,” they definitely didn’t have them in New York City, “-but they’re like these flat sort of fish that camouflage really well in sand and rocks and stuff so they’re really hard to see but heaps poisonous so you’re in big trouble if you step on one,” she realised then that she hadn’t explained why she had brought it up, “They live in really shallow water, which makes it easier to step on them,” she added. She felt like a stonefish herself sometimes, lying motionlessly in the shallows but prickling when she was stepped on. Was that what had happened that morning?  “I think poison fish only really live in the ocean so we’re probably fine but what I mean is there could be some fish living in the shallows and I don’t know, if there is, we could honestly probably spear them,” there were a few athletes among them, surely their reaction times were decent enough to make use of a spear.

-

“ Cool. ” Jenny replied, tone cool and collected like they voice usually was. Maybe even a touch friendly. Even though they felt completely and utterly out of their depth. “ Thank you. ” They added on though it was probably a second too late and noticeably not a part of their initial thought. But, they were trying. All of this, was them trying. That counted for something, right? “ A creek. Got it. ” They repeated the word, nodding their head and adjusting their expectations in their own mind.

“ Still water though, could be useful. ” They continued, following Joss’ lead of trying to fill the air with small talk. What they wanted to say was private, it was only for Joss. They wanted a little distance from the group, completely unaware of the other’s fears in leaving the group with them. “ Which I’m guessin’ is why you and Erin put it down. ” You or Erin would probably be more accurate but the and came out before they could stop it. Still thinking of the two as a conjoined duo even though it had been just about 48 hours since their return.

-

Joss tried to ignore how unusual and out of place the entire encounter was, choosing to believe that she was overthinking things instead of getting her hopes up or alternatively, assuming the worst. It was difficult but she tried. “Yeah,” she confirmed, wishing she had something more profound to contribute the conversation, though she was still finding her feet when it came to where she stood with Jenny.

“Yeah,” she said again, only realizing that she had repeated herself when it was too late, causing her to cringe slightly. Her lips parted and a third ‘yeah’ almost slipped out but she was quick enough to catch it this time, though her hesitation left an awkwardly long silence before she spoke again, “Could be some fish or frogs or something,” she uttered, certainly not her finest work but surely it was better than yet another robotic ‘yeah’. Feeling as if she had played her part in the casual(ish?) back and forth for the moment, Joss couldn’t help but allow her thoughts to wander again, wondering what the fuck this was all about. If Jenny really was going to choke her out with a swinging vine, she really wished they’d get the fuck on with it, so she didn’t have to keep thinking of things to say that weren’t completely moronic.