Cool. Awesome. Now Jenny had to actually get these apologies out. Wasnât the worst of apologies theyâd had to deliver in their life, not by a long shot, but that didnât make them easy. â Okay, I guess it makes sense to start from the beginning, â They prefaced, taking a small breath in as they tried to iron out the plan theyâd had in their head. â You said you felt like there was some sort of wall between us, and I canât really pretend I didnât have something to do with that feeling. I took one look at you on that first day, heard the first thing you said, â They couldnât even remember what it was, but they supposed it was more metaphorical than anything else â and decided I knew what sort of person you were. Didnât think I needed to know anything else, and if Iâm honest I didnât care to know anything else because I didnât think youâd prove me wrong. And that wasnât fair of me, and Iâm sorry for that. âÂ
There was certainly more things they had to apologise for. Like how they had pushed the idea that Joss was up to something simply because she got up and ran every morning. Because she found two bags. But, that was a lot of context to give. And theyâd have to admit it was Shane they were talking to about all of that. And that Shane had agreed with them. And that felt completely counterproductive. So they moved past it all to just before the two week mark. â Iâm sorry that you and Erin didnât feel safe in the group after we met the others and Iâm sorry for my part in that. â Maybe itâs a little bold to say it like that, and they wondered if Joss would contest it, but they felt they knew it was true. â I said that I was for working with them, and Iâm not apologising for that, â To be frank, if the group showed up again theyâd still be for working with them, â But Iâm sorry if my saying that made you think I was gonna do it if you guys werenât down with it too. Or that I would support anyone else doing it when you guys or anyone else wasnât comfortable with it. I wish Iâd said more and, like, made it known that it had to be weâre all in or weâre all out. But I didnât, so Iâm sorry for that. âÂ
Final one. They took another small breath, knowing they were in the final stretch but this was perhaps the one that made the least sense. â And Iâm sorry me and Shane left the other night. â They didnât know how the otherâs would be received, but this apology was one they were expect the most push back on. Shane had said it, Halima had said it, they couldnât have known the tide was coming. But Jenny didnât feel that was the point. â No one knew where we were, and I know me and Shane donât have, like, awesome track records when it comes to leaving camp so I should have thought about it, but I didnât. I justâ â They hesitate slightly. Thereâs a whole list of excuses in their head. They were drunk. They were embarrassed by some of the cards. They were overwhelmed by the explosive nature of the group. They just wanted to be with Shane. But none of it matters, they suppose. They left, they fucking left and they let Shane leave too when theyâd seen the effects Joss leaving had on her. They let out a small breath, a conceding shrug as they spoke again. â I just should have thought about it. And Iâm sorry I didnât. Iâm sorry we snuck off and you and the rest of the group were left to worry about where we were. â Thereâs one more thing. One thing that isnât true, but theyâd decided they would say it. They would take it on. What was a little more weight? â Shane wanted to go back to the group, to the fire, and I said I didnât want to. I asked her to stay with me. So itâs my fault we werenât there in the morning. And I know she wonât say that, or sheâll deny it completely but it was and Iâm sorry. That I did it and for what it caused. âÂ
It would have been a lie for Joss to say that she wasnât the slightest bit anxious about whatever it was that Jenny had in mind to say to her. She receive a whole lot of apologies, not many sincere apologies anyway and part of her couldnât help but wonder if this was a power move and not an act of sincerity at all. She tried to push that part of her to the back of her mind, to turn down the volume and ignore it for as long as she couldnât but she still couldnât deny that it was there and it was making her stomach twist into knots as moments passed between the pair.Â
âThank you,â she said before she could think it through or even consider stopping it. It rare occasion when people thought about Joss as a person and not just as the sum of her parts; her prefect blazer, her notoriously mean best friend, her soccer captaincy or even her blonde hair and straight teeth. She was used to other people deciding who she was, for better or worse and for the most part, she was too weak to do anything about it. â-but I get it, like, itâs fair,â maybe fair wasnât the right word but understandable perhaps was, âI pretty much did the same thing,â because she didnât know how to get to know people, she based her opinion of someone on who their parents were, what school they went to, whether they wore good clothes or had a cool Instagram.Â
She clenched her teeth at the mention of the others, wondering if Shane had said something to Jenny about why Joss had felt so uncomfortable in the lions den as it were. As Jenny continued, however, Joss felt safe in believing that she hadnât. She took a breath in and considered the otherâs words for a moment, âI- I donât think it would have mattered,â she explained, âI want to believe that we all have a voice here but I still think that some are louder than others,â and if and when Jenny chose to use their voice, Joss couldnât help but believe that it would be ignored, drowned out. Maybe they had that in common. âI donât blame you,â she did blame some of the Eves but she didnât blame Jenny.Â
When the final apology came, it caused a rosy blush to swell on Jocelynâs cheeks and she dropped her gaze sheepishly for a moment, even kicking at a rock in the dirt before she met Jennyâs eyes again. âI overreacted,â it was true, it was plain and simple, âI freaked out thinking you guys were in the cave when it flooded and I just lost my mind,â she confessed, the words coming out before she could stop them, â-and like- no, itâs not heaps cool that you fucked off without telling anybody but it- I donât know, I donât know why it did my head in so badly, Iâm just mad about everybody having a go at me and Erin, Iâm mad at all my stuff being wet and Iâm mad that- that you guys just get to go somewhere and have a nice time and Iâm just- look, Iâm not in love with Shane, okay, I need to say that before I say anything else, I know everybody loves to have a crack about it every time I open my mouth but itâs not that. It âs just like- I would love to feel like safe and loved and like good for five seconds and every now and then Shane is that person for me and then sheâs just not and it fucking hurts and thatâs not your fault or like anybodyâs fault but it just- itâs shit,â she caught her breath for a moment, â-and then I just find some peace with Erin and weâre like getting along and I feel normal for once and now thatâs the crime of the century and so Iâm just mad about stuff and thatâs seriously not your fault, seriously,â she probably could have talked Jennyâs head off for another hour or so, the other Eve had already gotten more out of her than her actual school counsellor but for now, Joss was catching her breath and left it at that. âI just have some shit going on,â her own words made her laugh, âLike- obviously, I have some shit going on,â and Jenny probably thought she was a lunatic by now and maybe that was fair. Â