unloveable hand.

JENNIFER “JENNY” THEWLIS ( ZENDAYA COLEMAN ) is an 18 year old teenager from QUEENS, NY. THEY are known around the island as the RED HERRING because they’re INDEPENDENT and INTELLIGENT but can also be ERRATIC and UNRELIABLE. THEY remind of well-worn baggy clothes,  a collection of half empty cups and bowls on a bedside table, ratty friendship bracelets you promised to never take off. [ S, 23, AEST ] 

-

Joss narrowed her eyes slightly at Jenny’s request, trying to understand where it came from. It seemed like a weird sort of a subject to stumble on with Shane, not that Joss was unfamiliar with how difficult it was to open up about your bad experiences sometimes. Still, there was something just slightly jarring about the request that Jocelyn couldn’t quite understand, even if she was prepared to adhere to it without hesitation. “Yeah of course,” she insisted, as if it was obvious, as if she had some sort of a sterling reputation for keeping secrets. “I won’t say anything- not that me and Shane are even talking to each other but if we were, I still wouldn’t say anything,” she insisted and believed it to be true. She was prone to gossiping about others but there was something about the rawness of Jenny’s explanation that made it feel sacred between them. “Was…this friend of yours a bit more than a friend?” she felt out of place asking and knew that Jenny had no obligation to share if they actively had decided not to already but it remained that the curiosity was too much for Joss to hold back. “I just mean, is that why it’s a bit awkward?” she clarified, though she wasn’t sure it necessarily helped the situation.

-

They nodded their head to show their appreciation for Joss’ discretion, though held their tongue on a question of whether or not Joss believed her and Shane not talking would be forever. They’d give it a minute, they thought. Too direct. And fortunately for the conversation, unfortunately for Jenny, she followed up with another question. One that should have a simple answer, it was a yes or not question, but it just didn’t. Because it was Jenny and Mia. And that shit wasn’t simple. “ It’s complicated. ” Is what they land on after a moment. “ Was complicated, I guess. ” They corrected. Even if Mia was still alive like the story they were telling, their friendship was still a thing of the past. Jenny and Mia had been more than friends. Not really in the sense that Joss was talking about, but the only word that either of them had felt fit them was soulmates. They were a part of one another. Cosmically intwined. Or that was what they had said. But then Mia had left them, and they were left trying to move on and explain why it was so hard for them to do so. “ It’s not that it’d be awkward, just, I don’t know, I guess I’m worried it’d change things somehow. How she sees me, what she thinks of me, ” They admitted, the honesty almost coming easily now they and Joss had been speaking with such vulnerability. Back home, most people’s perception of them had to with Mia. It had been sort of nice to build themselves up here without her– but the fact was, she was a part of them. The longer it went on, the more it felt like lying. “ Or like, the worst thing I can think of is that she wouldn’t get it. ” They took a deep breath in, feeling a tightness in their chest at that admittance. It sounded so small but the idea that Shane just wouldn’t understand if Jenny tried to explain what Mia had been to them was terrifying. It’s why they had stopped when they had tried before. “ I know that sounds sort of stupid but yeah, I just– I wanna tell her, I just want it to be, like, right. ”

-

When Jenny talked about their friend and likened it to Joss’ situation, she couldn’t help but feel a slight stir of anxiety in the pit of her stomach. She was my everything. Was that how it seemed to Jenny? That Lucy was Jocelyn’s everything? Was that true? Joss swallowed hard and promptly reminded herself that this was Jenny’s moment. Jenny was opening up to Joss, exposing themselves and being sincere and Joss was thinking about herself and her own situation, as she so often did, like a dickhead. Her tongue met with the edge of her back teeth and she focused on the other Eve intently then. “Fuck,” she sighed at the conclusion of Jenny’s story, “-but at least you tried,” she insisted and meant it sincerely. At least Jenny hadn’t just buried their bloody head in the sand, they had made an effort and though it hadn’t worked out, it was honorable nonetheless. At least as far as Joss knew.

She pondered things for a moment or so, considering whether to share what was on her mind or not. Would it help? Would it sound silly? Was it wishful thinking and selfish wishful thinking at that? “Maybe things will be different when we go home,” she suggested anyway. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t already made a fool out of herself, what was one more comment? “Not that I haven’t learned a shit load from this island but if there’s one lesson I can take home it’s probably that you can’t really predict anything,” like crashing on a desert island or having a mental breakdown over a relatively minor flood on said island, for example.

-

But at least you tried. Jenny’s lips tightened a little before they nodded their head with a solemn softness, eyes trained on the ground in front of them. They didn’t want the take away to be that they shouldn’t have tried. It wasn’t the message they wanted to come of it, especially not to Joss right now with all things considered. But they often wondered if things would have turned out the same way if they hadn’t. If they had just left well enough alone– or was it always too late by the time they confessed their feelings? Probably. But probably didn’t make it easier. They looked over at her when she spoke again. Intrigued by her words, by the hopefulness of them. “ Maybe. ” They repeated, like they agreed but they couldn’t really commit to it. “ I hope so. ” They added, more for Joss’ sake than their own. Of course things wouldn’t be different when it came to Mia, but maybe it would be different in that they would be better about it. It was easy to think so here without all the reminders of her, they just had to keep it up when they got home. If they did got home. A small smile tugged at the corner of their lips, “ Yeah, that’s true. I don’t think I would’ve been able predict anything in the last two and a bit weeks in, like, a million years. ” Especially not this conversation, they thought.

when: day 19 where: waterfall who: open

the day had been a hot one, the ocean avoided reaching out to the shore and bev felt a large sense of regret for arriving to this vacation in pants, and that someone with better fashion sense hadn’t had their bag wash up. it took a lot of self restraint for bev not to down all the water in her posession. beyond all the work that it took to maintain their survival, the wondering about her journal and all the dynamics of those around her was also exhausting, kind of. as she stood for a moment in awe of the waterfall and the way the sun made everything sparkle, she was glad that she didn’t travel there alone. “so, i’m going for a swim, it is hotter than like two rats fucking in a wool sock. you in?” she grabbed at the bottom of her shirt and pulled it over her head, hoping that the water was at least cooler than the hot air all around.

-

Their own shirt was already peeled off as they crouched on the edge of the water. Holding it in their hands as they tried to wash the last couple days of dirt and sweat from it. And they intended to do the same for the other couple pieces they had collected around the new camp that were piled beside them. It wasn’t everything, shit– probably wasn’t even close to everything. But they liked having something to do, and feeling a little cleaner might make people feel better about their new camp. Head raised as Bev spoke, looking from her to the water, as a small laugh escaped them at her phrasing. “ Nah, I’m good, ” They said, “ Rats fucking in a sock heat aside,” They added on, amused smile coming to their lips as they were pretty certain they hadn’t repeated the phrase correctly. Though the waterfall was probably a lot more forgiving than the ocean, toes and hands were their limit for just now. “ Don’t let me stop you though, ” They assured, paired with a quick, friendly, pursed smile. A small beat passed before a thought occurred to them. “ Toss me your shirt, ” They held out their hand to catch, if Bev did decide to throw it, “ I’m doing laundry anyway. ”

…

“you’re always going to blame the sand, huh?” shane teased them some more. “not your weak little noodle arms?” of course they’ve had this conversation before but she was never going to let them live it down. she pressed her lips together, trying to fight her own smile when they looked at jenny’s face. their smile and laugh was always so contagious, it was hard to not mirror them. “unstoppable,” shane repeated their word as they lost the battle to their smile. 

she should be embarrassed by how easily jenny can read shane and know just what to do her to short circuit her brain, but she couldn’t bring herself to care, not with their hand taking hers and pulling her along down the trail. “mhm you’re totally innocent?” she said, rolling her eyes but, again, she lost the battle to her own smile stretching across her lips. “me distract you? i was just trying to have a conversation, you’re the one who’s trying to distract me.” a real chicken or the egg moment they had here. who distracted whom first? “come on, you asshole,” she urged, picking up the pace same, mostly to stop herself from any more distractions. which wasn’t easy when it came to jenny. there was a reason they spent most days sneaking away to make out. 

-

“ Because the sand’s to blame. ” Jenny replied with a nonchalant shrug, a soft exhale of a chuckle coming through their nose as they glanced over at her. However they rolled their eyes as Shane accurately described their arms, playful scoff coming with it as they looked forward again. “ Wow, I think you mean super strong and sexy noodle arms. ” They said, correcting her in teasing tone. “ Like, come on, I gotta have a big head remember? What happened to the compliments? I can actually feel it deflating as we speak. ” They continued, lifting free hand to the side of their head like they were checking that their head hadn’t shrunk already from the one comment. 

“ Totally innocent. I’ve never tried to distract you. Ever. ” They claimed boldly, shaking their head with smug smirk sitting on their lips. Had everything that happened yesterday not happened, they probably would have kissed her. They definitely would have bitten her neck a little harder. But given everything, they thought better of it, and tried not to feel a way about being somewhat secret again. It was for the group, and it was for Shane too. They chuckled softly when she called them an asshole, their hands holding onto one another. A few moments later the gaps in the trees spread further apart and revealed with beach, that looked completely strange when it wasn’t littered with Eves. “ So, what’s first? ” They asked, coming to a halt once their feet reached the sand, looking to her again. “ Signal fire, right? That’ll be the quickest. ”

…

shane couldn’t help but laugh, her grin growing on her lips with jenny’s words. “oh yeah? can i trust you to not drop me this time?” she teased them lightly. she didn’t care if it was just some stupid joke, shane didn’t want it to stop. just like the day before, shane wanted to stay in this little bubble with jenny. to forget all of the drama back at camp, to ignore the guilt in the back of her mind that they are yet again disappearing to be alone. of course, today was for an actually good reason and not because they were dunk and wanted to hook up, but that didn’t stop the thoughts from prickling the back of her mind. but with every little touch, every joke, every smile, shane was starting to feel lighter, as if it was going to be okay. and when jenny’s finger released her own on the collar of her shirt, shane’s mind when completely blank. “uh-huh,” shane hummed, watching jenny’s face. as they started leaning in, shane’s feet stopped, bring them to a halt as she felt jenny’s lips on her neck. closing her eyes, shane’s breath hitched in her throat as their mouth opened, anticipating a repeat from the other night, but when all she got was a soft bite before they pulled away, shane could help the annoyed whine that slipped out. jenny let go of her shirt and she opened her eyes again, rolling them as she did as she started walking them again. “you’re an ass,” she said in a frustrated voice but with no true anger behind it. 

-

Jenny grinned widely and nodded their head. “ Uhuh, ” They said, mind wandering just a touch but they managed to stay mostly on the joke at hand. “ It’s the big head– and not being on sand. ” They said, pointing a finger as they made their point. Referencing back to the same conversation Shane was, again, a little distracted by the memory but continuing anyway, “ I can do anything, totally unstoppable. ” They assured, goofy smile continuing to pull at their lips as they joked away with confidence. As if a couple compliments and steady ground overpowered their general muscle composition and lack of nutrition. 

Stupid, satisfied smile threatened to pull at their lips but they tried to contain it as they started to walk again. Looking forward as their hand moved from her waist to her hand again, close to dragging her along behind them. What she said threatened to pull the smile out even more. “ I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about. ” They teased, looking over their shoulder back at her, unable to hold back the smile as eyes landed on her. “ Stop trying to distract me, we’ve got a big day. So much to do. ” They grinned, looking forward again. Playing completely innocent to what they’d just done, their part in delaying the plans.

…

shane’s grin matched jenny’s for a moment. it felt good to see them happy, to know that she made them happy. to made her feel warm inside. using her free hand, shane reached over and held on to jenny’s arm that was holding her hand, keeping them close as they walked. she let out a small chuckle at their joke. “will you at least take me with you when you float away? i can give you more material to fill that pretty, little head of yours,” she said with a glint in her eye as she looked up at them. after a moment, she focused back on their walk, making sure they didn’t end up tripping on some hidden root or something. shane let her hand drop from jenny’s arm but kept the one that was interlocked in their hand in place. and just as shane expected, jenny made a joke again about coming out. one day it would be come over used, but for now, it still made her chuckle. “no matter how many times you come out, i will always support you,” she said, squeezing their hand as she continued the joke along. “but the good news is, i don’t think you need to come out to the others, you made it pretty obvious that you’re gay as fuck,” to punctuate her sentence, shane hooked a finger around the neck of her shirt and pulled it down to bring attention to the marks jenny had place on her neck and collarbones. maybe she was being a little shit by reminded them what they did the other night, but can you blame her?

-

…

shane tried to fight her smile, teeth biting down on her lower lip to stop the corners from turning up. she would hate to admit it but she loved when jenny teased her, especially like this. forcing her lips into a pout, as if she wasn’t going to play along with their little game, shane lasted a full ten seconds before she cracked. “you’re hot, okay? you’re hot and you look hot in my clothes. this shouldn’t be new information to you,” she said with a playful roll of her eyes. “watch it, this is all going to go to your head.” now it was her turn to teased them, nudging her elbow into their side. and this was why she liked them so much. it was easy with jenny. easy to be herself, easy to forget her problems, easy to be with them. they made her more comfortable than she’s ever felt before. joss may have gotten it in her head that she fucked up, that she should be guilty for choosing them over the others, but no one will understand. “mm maybe…” she said as if she was giving it some real thought, but after a few more seconds, she couldn’t keep it up anymore. “of course you can have first dibs.” she thought back to the things she had packed before leaving. it was the day after her birthday, the day before they left. it was mostly just activewear that she would wear on any normal day anyways, tshirts, a cut off, running shorts. but there were a couple outfits she had packed in case the vibe of the retreat were more fancy and put together than they were lazy. she could see jenny it pretty much all of her clothes. some of the images in her head she knew that she’d want them out of the clothes the second she saw them in them. but she kept those thoughts to herself, smiling to herself a little as they continued walking. her smile only grew when jenny pulled their hands up to their lips and started kissing her hand. “you’re so gay,” she said, but her voice lacked any teasing, now it sounded more like a lovey dovey song. she knew that jenny would just make a joke about coming out again, but it was the only thing she could say instead of the three other words always threatening to come out. 

-

Grin spread unabashed on their features, satisfied that they’d gotten her to break. And yeah, it felt good to hear that sort of thing. Sue them! It felt great! In attempt to calm smile a little they tried to contain it by biting their lip lightly a moment before a laugh escaped them as Shane claimed this was all going to go to their head “ Yeah, that’s my plan. Get a giant head, completely full of air, and float away. ” They joked, looking over at her with smile that revealed they knew just how stupid they sounded. Inspired by some thing their mom said when they and their siblings were little. Their little sister still got it sometimes. Their brows raised playfully as she pretended to think on it for moment, whether or not Jenny had to call first dibs on Shane’s stuff. Satisfied smile coming to their features when she said they did. Though the likelihood of Shane’s bag washing up was probably next to nothing, it was fun to talk about it, joke about it. Another laugh, though softer, left their lips when she called them gay. It sounded a little different than it had in times before. More affectionate than teasing. “ I am. I really, really am. ” They replied, looking over at her. Though their tone was light, they looked at her with such affection. So grateful that Shane had actually taken them up on their offer, that they could both just relax a little. Just for a moment. Without the others. But they broke a small moment later, unable to let it slide without a joke. “ I dunno how many times I’m gonna have to come out to you. ” They teased, shaking their head. “ Like, you’re catching up to my parents real quick. ” 

-

Joss clenched her jaw slightly, her eyes carefully searching Jenny’s features as she considered the question that was on the tip of her tongue. “What happened?” she asked in perhaps not the most eloquent way she could have. Had she spent a moment or two longer on the matter she might have found a better approach but it was equally as possible that she would have never asked at all if she’d thought about it for more time than she had. “With your person?” was that the her Jenny had mentioned or was Shane the her? It was becoming increasingly difficult to tell and the more it did, the more Joss wanted to know. 

She half smiled at the mention of their fancy new clean slate, “I found a pretty good spot for drying clothes,” actually Clarke had but that wasn’t important, “Not to brag or anything,” she offered, trying to match the other Eve’s efforts to ease the tension between them.

She twisted her mouth as she thought about what Jenny was saying and considered how much she actually believed it instead of how much she wanted to believe it. “Maybe,” she conceded. Erin certainly didn’t hate her, it didn’t feel like Clarke hated her, Lex and Nyla almost definitely hated her and Shane was on the cusp but the rest of the Eves were somewhere in between. “Maybe I just need to come back to camp with a party-sized bag of chips or somebody else’s suitcase,” she offered with a small chuckle, another attempt to keep things light though she felt like she was one adverse comment away from crying at any given moment, truth be told.

-

…

“you do look good in them,” shane reiterated with a dumb smile on her lips. “pretty hot, actually,” she tacked on, almost as a mumble under her breath. she never thought she would be that type of person, who liked seeing her partner in her clothes, but hey, she never thought she’d have a partner in the first place. but there was something so nice about seeing jenny wearing her shirt. even if that shirt was the same gross, dingy shirt she’s been wearing for over two weeks. as jenny went on to say she would be supportive if shane turned out to be secretly feminine, she couldn’t help but let out a huff of a chuckle. she thought about keeping the joke going, to keep playing along. but she knew the second she did, she would burst out laughing. not even she can keep that joke up. “i appreciate the support, but you wont have to worry. i’m pretty sure everything i packed would be right up your alley.” maybe some of it would be a little small, but at least it would probably be their style. feeling jenny’s arm tighten against shane’s, she looked up at them to see the concern on their face, wondering what they were thinking. of course she should have known that their fear of the ocean would become stronger after yesterday. even if the guilt of everything was eating away at her, she was glad they had left the group only for the fact that jenny didn’t have to wake up in the water for the second time. their hornieness saved them from that fate. “okay, i wont, promise,” she reassured them, wiggling her arm out of their tight grip, but only to let her hand slide down their forearm until she could reach their hand, intertwining their fingers together and offering them a small smile. 

-

Shane’s words left Jenny unable to wipe stupid little smirk from their lips. “ Oh yeah? What was that? ” They teased, bumping their shoulder into her’s lightly as they walked. Enjoying the small lapse to something that felt sort of normal. Teasing, being affectionate. They were used to privacy for their own benefit, but in the last day it had felt like it was more for the benefit of the group. Which didn’t leave them feeling great. But this moment, they weren’t thinking about it. They were just enjoying it, trying to let the rest all melt away for a moment. “ So, do I have to call for first dibs, or is that a given or ...? ” They asked in jest, looking over at her with cheeky look in their eye. They couldn’t help but think about what might be in Shane’s bag. What items she brought for what was supposed to be a weekend retreat in Hawaii. Jenny could barely remember what they’d brought, but they knew it would all scream comfort. A lot of their wardrobe did, but given the last minute nature of their packing it was just whatever they could find and whatever was clean. As Shane promised she wouldn’t go on some mission to retrieve what was relatively worthless, they relaxed again. Momentary worry eased by the shifting of her hand. Using their interlocked fingers to lift her hand, pressing a series of quick kisses to the back of it before they let their hands fall again, swinging down between the two of them. 

-

Joss pressed her lips together, stifling her smile as Jenny addressed, head on, the fact that Joss very clearly had some shit going on. Joss had spent so much time hiding it from other people, from her friends, from her parents and now from the other Eves that it was a strange and funny feeling to have somebody acknowledge that perhaps Jocelyn King wasn’t quite as put together as she liked others to think, perhaps things weren’t as easy for her as she made them out to be.

She carefully digested each of Jenny’s words, wishing they were more difficult to relate to than they actually were. Joss didn’t think they had anything in common other than Shane but perhaps it wasn’t about Shane at all, it was about them. If it wasn’t Shane, could it have been somebody else? Joss wondered. “Yeah,” there it was again, that simple word that had felt like it had lost all meaning by now, though it remained just about the only thing that Joss could form with the shape of her lips as the understanding of Jenny’s words and their meaning sank in. She couldn’t help the way her eyebrows lifted slightly at the word ‘her’ and then again at Jenny’s efforts to correct herself, too little, too late. “Before I came here I had a really, really bad fight with my best friend,” she explained, “Like, we stopped talking,” more accurately Lucy had stopped talking to Joss, had blocked her on all social media and had instructed her friends and especially her brother to do the same. “-but before that I always had a best friend, like, we saw each other every single day, we always hung out on weekends and after school and I swear we never went more than a couple of hours without talking,” except on the frequent occasions when Lucy used radio silence to drive Joss insane, making it seem like she was out doing exciting things…or exciting people without the soccer captain in tow. “-and she’s like, so much. She’s fucking gorgeous and confident and everybody is just obsessed with her so I just always sort of followed her lead and now I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing- except crying and yelling and tackling people and taking my top off in front of everybody apparently,” which was suffice to say that she was completely lost.   “So, yeah, that makes sense,” she concurred, “It makes a lot of sense,” her added, her voice a little shaky. 

She shook her head then and shrugged her shoulders, “I can’t just shake it off like that,” she confessed. Now that her façade had cracked, she was having trouble holding any of it back, “I can’t just have people hate me or call me names or whatever, I hate it so much,” she couldn’t handle it at home so she’d been sent to the Dawn of Eve Retreat and if she couldn’t handle it here, where else was there left to go?

-

They nodded with understanding as Joss spoke. It was all a little too familiar. Of course, they came from very different worlds, very different points on the social ladder, and the outcomes of final fights with their ex best friends Jenny hoped to be exceedingly different– but that doesn’t stop it from being familiar. The following after someone, the being attached constantly, the having no fucking idea what to do in the face of the loss. They allowed the words a moment to breathe. To sit there on their own. As they thought over what they wanted to say. Because they couldn’t blurt out just how much they understood. That they’d been so off the rails and lost and angry and confused when they lost Mia. That they still felt her fucking effect on them even now. They didn’t want to say any of it. Because it wasn’t nice. It wasn’t optimistic. It was fucking horrible. “ It fucking sucks, right. Losing that person, that thing you’re, like, centred on. ” They said, about as much as they could give when it came to revealing their own best friend history. Just a soft, yep, I completely know how it feels. “ It’s like free fall, in the aftermath. ” They add, knowing that dizzying spinning feeling way too well. And that you would just cling to fucking anything to get it to stop. You’d cling to a theory that some blonde girl you crashed on an island with was some secret bag operative, for example. “ I wish I could say I know how to fix it, how to feel okay without that thing, or that someone, but I don’t know. What I can say, though, is if you wanna fill your time with whatever thing you can find to do, collecting fruit, firewood, laundry, whatever to distract yourself, maybe we can do it together sometimes. ” They suggested, it’s a genuine offer but they do feel the need to lighten it. Make it less depressing. Just a tad. Especially now Joss was becoming emotional about it. “ You know, on our fancy new clean slate. ” They added, joking lightly, with a small grin pulling up their features. 

Yeah, they supposed it was a lot easier for them to shake off what other’s thought of them. They’d been pretty low on the food chain most of their life, learning early on that only certain people’s opinions of you really mattered. But, they can’t help the sympathy they feel when Joss starts to crack. “ I don’t think they hate you. Like, not for real. ” They offered genuinely, looking over at her. Thinking about maybe reaching out a comforting touch, but deciding against it. Wherever they were right now was brand new and fragile, they didn’t want to push it. “ Confused, yeah. Pissed, probably. Hate? Nah. ” They said. “ Like, seriously, I don’t think anyone hates you. Or even dislikes you. Not really. ” Despite that they’d just said it didn’t matter if people didn’t get over Joss leaving, they didn’t think it would actually genuinely be a problem. As far as Jenny could see, most of the group thought the sun shone out of Joss’ ass before she left. It wouldn’t take much longer to get back to it. The whole survival thing made it hard to hold a grudge, they thought. 

…

feeling jenny pull her hand through their arm, thus pulling shane closer to them as they walked, shane felt much of her tension leave. it was always easier with them, even in her worst mental states, jenny had a way of easing some of the thoughts going on in her mind. “mm so one day in my shirt and you’re already planning on stealing more of my clothes?” she teased them, emphasizing her point by using her free hand to pinch at the front of the shirt they were wear, giving it a light tug. “what if my suitcase is down there and it’s full of a bunch of femme clothes?” she asked with a dumb grin on her face. as they kept walking, the considered how jenny’s bag was probably lost at the bottom of the ocean. “i could always try and look for it if you want,” she offered. “i didn’t really see any bags when i went down to the wreckage before, but i was more focused on the plane itself at the time.” though, after how crazy the tide seemed yesterday, who knows if anything was in the same place as before. the plane may still be down there but a duffle bag could easily be moved around with the changing of tides. but she would still try, she’d do it for jenny. she’d do anything for them. 

-

-

It would have been a lie for Joss to say that she wasn’t the slightest bit anxious about whatever it was that Jenny had in mind to say to her. She receive a whole lot of apologies, not many sincere apologies anyway and part of her couldn’t help but wonder if this was a power move and not an act of sincerity at all. She tried to push that part of her to the back of her mind, to turn down the volume and ignore it for as long as she couldn’t but she still couldn’t deny that it was there and it was making her stomach twist into knots as moments passed between the pair. 

“Thank you,” she said before she could think it through or even consider stopping it. It rare occasion when people thought about Joss as a person and not just as the sum of her parts; her prefect blazer, her notoriously mean best friend,  her soccer captaincy or even her blonde hair and straight teeth. She was used to other people deciding who she was, for better or worse and for the most part, she was too weak to do anything about it. “-but I get it, like, it’s fair,” maybe fair wasn’t the right word but understandable perhaps was, “I pretty much did the same thing,” because she didn’t know how to get to know people, she based her opinion of someone on who their parents were, what school they went to, whether they wore good clothes or had a cool Instagram. 

She clenched her teeth at the mention of the others, wondering if Shane had said something to Jenny about why Joss had felt so uncomfortable in the lions den as it were. As Jenny continued, however, Joss felt safe in believing that she hadn’t. She took a breath in and considered the other’s words for a moment, “I- I don’t think it would have mattered,” she explained, “I want to believe that we all have a voice here but I still think that some are louder than others,” and if and when Jenny chose to use their voice, Joss couldn’t help but believe that it would be ignored, drowned out. Maybe they had that in common. “I don’t blame you,” she did blame some of the Eves but she didn’t blame Jenny. 

When the final apology came, it caused a rosy blush to swell on Jocelyn’s cheeks and she dropped her gaze sheepishly for a moment, even kicking at a rock in the dirt before she met Jenny’s eyes again. “I overreacted,” it was true, it was plain and simple, “I freaked out thinking you guys were in the cave when it flooded and I just lost my mind,” she confessed, the words coming out before she could stop them, “-and like- no, it’s not heaps cool that you fucked off without telling anybody but it- I don’t know, I don’t know why it did my head in so badly, I’m just mad about everybody having a go at me and Erin, I’m mad at all my stuff being wet and I’m mad that- that you guys just get to go somewhere and have a nice time and I’m just- look, I’m not in love with Shane, okay, I need to say that before I say anything else, I know everybody loves to have a crack about it every time I open my mouth but it’s not that. It ‘s just like- I would love to feel like safe and loved and like good for five seconds and every now and then Shane is that person for me and then she’s just not and it fucking hurts and that’s not your fault or like anybody’s fault but it just- it’s shit,” she caught her breath for a moment, “-and then I just find some peace with Erin and we’re like getting along and I feel normal for once and now that’s the crime of the century and so I’m just mad about stuff and that’s seriously not your fault, seriously,” she probably could have talked Jenny’s head off for another hour or so, the other Eve had already gotten more out of her than her actual school counsellor but for now, Joss was catching her breath and left it at that. “I just have some shit going on,” her own words made her laugh, “Like- obviously, I have some shit going on,” and Jenny probably thought she was a lunatic by now and maybe that was fair.  

-

“ Probably not, and that’s very true, ” Jenny conceded with ease. They didn’t think their voice had much sway in the group. Even if they were louder and more confident, they didn’t think it would. And they didn’t think it should either, they were fine with being in the background. “ But still, I wish I did more. ” To make Erin and Joss feel safe, to make them feel wanted, to make them feel welcome, to make them feel valued. It wasn’t much about whether the others would listen to them or not, or whether it would have made them stay, it was just that they let that roll by. The idea that they’d be cool if the group fucked over it’s own members like that.

They could agree with that. That Joss overreacted, but they weren’t stupid. They knew it wasn’t all about them. They had known that before their apology. And it seemed Joss understood that too with how she continued. Drawing Jenny in with her best attempt to explain what was going through her head and what she was feeling. They nodded in understanding. They knew that feeling. Not as much with Shane, though it did rear it’s ugly head in moments, but more so in reflecting on their connection with Mia. How good it felt to have her attention, to have her talking to you like you were her whole world. And then how horrific it felt when she left. When you weren’t her whole world, because you never could be, because that would never be healthy even if it’s the only thing you wanted. They don’t suspect it’s all that dramatic, what Joss was describing, but they felt there had to be some sort of empathy of their past experience to draw on. They joined her in a soft, tired sort of chuckle when she said she had some shit going on. “ Yeah, no shit, ” They mused, hoping their tone sort of said ‘same here,’ rather than sounding like a dick. They took another second to think on what else to say, what else they wanted to say, what would be helpful. They weren’t sure. They were a professional at fucking things up, the whole trying to make things right was still pretty fucking new to them. “ I get you though, I like– ” They paused briefly, head tilting slightly as they went over what was about to come out of their mouth. “ Like, it’s not the same, but maybe it’s sorta close. But I just get, like, so caught up in people. And caught up in things in general. In things that make me feel good, that I just– I forget that I’m, like, a person without those things. Does that make sense? ” They ask, not really sure where they were going with this attempt to show Joss her feelings weren’t absurd or alone. That Jenny, to some degree, related. “ I’m trying not to be like that. And, I don’t know, sometimes I think I’m doing okay. And then sometimes I feel like I’m just distracting myself constantly until I can get back to her. ” Her. They heard it and quickly corrected herself. “ Or the thing, you know, whatever. ”

They didn’t think they wanted to talk that much more about that feeling. With how they both loved and hated feeling it. With how they wondered if they would ever live without it, if they would ever be complete without it and without someone to be the object of that feeling. So they moved on. Back to something else Joss said. “ I think people will get over it. The you and Erin leaving thing. ” They clarified. “ And, honestly, if they don’t? Sounds like a fucking them problem. You left, you came back, what the fuck did they do about either of those things? Besides be a bunch of bitches about it. ”

-

Joss couldn’t help the look on her face when Jenny insisted that they had some apologies to deliver before they proceeded. Apologies? Plural? A couple of them? Joss couldn’t even guess what the first would be for, let alone those that followed it. “Yeah,” she offered, trying to play it cool with a half smile and her eyebrows no longer raised enough to threaten her hair line. She had realised, by now, that the word ‘yeah’ had become a placeholder for ‘I don’t know what to say and I don’t have the energy to figure it out’ probably for both of them but sometimes it was the best she could do. “I’m open,” she had only on very rare occasions been particularly open with the other Eves but she was trying and that was important. 

-

Cool. Awesome. Now Jenny had to actually get these apologies out. Wasn’t the worst of apologies they’d had to deliver in their life, not by a long shot, but that didn’t make them easy. “ Okay, I guess it makes sense to start from the beginning, ” They prefaced, taking a small breath in as they tried to iron out the plan they’d had in their head. “ You said you felt like there was some sort of wall between us, and I can’t really pretend I didn’t have something to do with that feeling. I took one look at you on that first day, heard the first thing you said, ” They couldn’t even remember what it was, but they supposed it was more metaphorical than anything else “ and decided I knew what sort of person you were. Didn’t think I needed to know anything else, and if I’m honest I didn’t care to know anything else because I didn’t think you’d prove me wrong. And that wasn’t fair of me, and I’m sorry for that. ” 

There was certainly more things they had to apologise for. Like how they had pushed the idea that Joss was up to something simply because she got up and ran every morning. Because she found two bags. But, that was a lot of context to give. And they’d have to admit it was Shane they were talking to about all of that. And that Shane had agreed with them. And that felt completely counterproductive. So they moved past it all to just before the two week mark. “ I’m sorry that you and Erin didn’t feel safe in the group after we met the others and I’m sorry for my part in that. ” Maybe it’s a little bold to say it like that, and they wondered if Joss would contest it, but they felt they knew it was true. “ I said that I was for working with them, and I’m not apologising for that, ” To be frank, if the group showed up again they’d still be for working with them, “ But I’m sorry if my saying that made you think I was gonna do it if you guys weren’t down with it too. Or that I would support anyone else doing it when you guys or anyone else wasn’t comfortable with it. I wish I’d said more and, like, made it known that it had to be we’re all in or we’re all out. But I didn’t, so I’m sorry for that. ” 

Final one. They took another small breath, knowing they were in the final stretch but this was perhaps the one that made the least sense. “ And I’m sorry me and Shane left the other night. ” They didn’t know how the other’s would be received, but this apology was one they were expect the most push back on. Shane had said it, Halima had said it, they couldn’t have known the tide was coming. But Jenny didn’t feel that was the point. “ No one knew where we were, and I know me and Shane don’t have, like, awesome track records when it comes to leaving camp so I should have thought about it, but I didn’t. I just– ” They hesitate slightly. There’s a whole list of excuses in their head. They were drunk. They were embarrassed by some of the cards. They were overwhelmed by the explosive nature of the group. They just wanted to be with Shane. But none of it matters, they suppose. They left, they fucking left and they let Shane leave too when they’d seen the effects Joss leaving had on her. They let out a small breath, a conceding shrug as they spoke again. “ I just should have thought about it. And I’m sorry I didn’t. I’m sorry we snuck off and you and the rest of the group were left to worry about where we were. ” There’s one more thing. One thing that isn’t true, but they’d decided they would say it. They would take it on. What was a little more weight? “ Shane wanted to go back to the group, to the fire, and I said I didn’t want to. I asked her to stay with me. So it’s my fault we weren’t there in the morning. And I know she won’t say that, or she’ll deny it completely but it was and I’m sorry. That I did it and for what it caused. ” 

-

Whether it was genuine or whether it was a cheeky jab, Jenny’s comedic timing made Joss laugh softly, she couldn’t help it. It was a welcome break, whether it had been intentional or not. When Jenny continued, she swallowed hard, trying to regain her composure so as not to seem like the kid in class that laughed at everything, disrupting the rest of the cohort- she was that kid but Jenny didn’t need to know that. 

Joss considered the other Eve’s words more seriously now, silence as she mulled them over and formulated her response and how she hoped it would sound. “Yeah,” she concurred, she did know. “-and if our roles were reversed, I would mean it too,” she offered, folding her arms across her chest, “I said before I didn’t give you much and I um, I don’t really have a good reason for that,” she had a reason, not a good one, “So, I’m sorry- I just feel like I don’t-” she was picking her words carefully and they still sounded wrong, so she paused, catching her breath with a short inhale, “I feel like I don’t really know you, a bit, I guess,” she sounded so unsure of herself, like she was waiting for somebody else to pat her on the head or tell her to shut up. “I just feel like there’s a brick wall between us so when I say shit or I do shit I don’t- it’s not because I don’t like you, I don’t not not like you, I just don’t know you,- and I thought I didn’t want to- I thought I didn’t want to know you but I also thought you were going to bash me with a rock because the rest of the group told you to so I…I have to rethink some things and maybe we can have a clean slate between us,” 

-

The soft laugh Joss gave was sort of relieving. Earning a small momentary smile of their own. A quick upturn of their lips. A small break in what was the most real conversation that Jenny and Joss had probably had together this whole time on the island. They gave a small appreciative nod at the notion that Joss would mean it if the roles were reversed, though they helped they never would be. Even though Joss fumbled through the words, Jenny understood and found themselves a little touched by the honesty. Again, not something they were expecting from her, but they were learning that maybe most of their expectations of Joss were wrong. That, yeah, they were kind of a cunt for looking at that blonde hair, the couple dismissive comments, and the stories of travelling across the world and deciding they knew exactly the sort of person Joss was in the first couple days. 

A clean slate. Jenny nodded, though they weren’t quite ready to go to that. It wouldn’t be fair. That Joss had apologised for not knowing them when they’d done quite a bit to make sure that wall was between them. “ Yeah, I think I’d like that. ” They said, offering soft smile with those words. Before their head dipped for a moment as they continued “ But, uh, before that, ” They hesitated, apologies were never easy. But Jenny knew they owed Joss some, whether she thought that or not. “ I have a couple apologies I’d like to get out first. If you’re, you know, open to hearing them? ”