Whipped Cream🍰

This time people he'd approve?

(or lilia muhuhaahh)

Malleus and Reader

Where he complains about the boys you like

APPROVED ONES EDITION!

FIRST PART HERE

SECOND PART HERE

How would Malleus complain when you told him about the boy you like?

With Deuce, Jack, Epel, Trey, Silver and Sebek.

“I think Deuce is actually really sweet. Kind of… boyfriend material, y’know?”

“Hmmm.”

Pause. A full ten seconds of silence. He’s not judging you. He’s assessing Deuce.

“Spade. The one who brought you tea when you were ill and then spilled it on himself, the floor, and Grim?”

“It’s the effort that counts!”

“...Indeed.”

He folds his arms behind his back and paces in a slow half-circle around you, thinking.

“He’s earnest. Loyal. Respects you. Fixed Lilia's tamagotchi's....”

“Exactly! And he’s really trying to improve himself, you know? He’s got this whole reformed-delinquent-turned-good-boy arc and—”

“He once punched a student because he ate his sandwich.”

“But he did eat it! He stole his sandwich and ate it!”

“And then he apologized to the student and bought him another one.”

Malleus’s lips twitch. Is he amused? Approving??

“...He reminds me of a young Silver. Clumsy. Noble. Likely to trip while confessing his feelings.”

He gives a nod.

“Very well. If you were to give your heart to Spade I would only ask one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Please do not allow him to name your future children. I overheard him once say he’d name a son ‘Axel Deuce Jr.’ That… must not happen.”

Malleus Draconia approves!

“Honestly, I think Jack is kind of perfect. Strong, loyal, responsible—”

“Ah. Now that… is a name I respect.”

You blink. Malleus actually smiles.

“He has a strong will. He is not easily swayed by others. And he has never once insulted you even in jest. A rare trait in this school.”

“Yeah! He’s so grounded. And respectful. He doesn’t even flirt, he just—exists, and I’m like: yes.”

Malleus nods gravely.

“He reminds me of the wolves in the Briar Valley highlands. Stoic. Proud. Dedicated to their pack.”

He pauses, expression sobering.

“If he were to court you, he would do so with his whole soul. No games. No manipulation. Just earnest intent.”

“So… you’d be cool with that?”

“I would bless the union with thunder.”

“Wait—what?”

“He would take care of you. If he hurt you, I would end him. In the spirit of diplomacy, of course.”

“...Uh-huh.”

Malleus closes his eyes in approval.

“Jack Howl. Acceptable.”

Malleus Draconia approves!

“I think Epel’s actually kinda hot. He’s cute, but he’s also got that whole secret rage thing going on.”

Malleus, staring at you like you just said you’re into carnivorous pixies:

“...Felmier”

“Yeah! He’s, like, fierce but still shy! Rough edges! Anger issues! Country boy charm!”

“You’re describing a feral cat. You’re in love with a barn cat in a human body.”

“He’s just passionate! Like, he doesn’t want to be seen as soft—he wants to be strong!”

“And so he tried to punch a pumpkin in Halloween. He sprained his wrist. That is not strength. That is unprocessed rage and calcium deficiency.”

“He’s fighting for his identity!”

“He fought Hunt for the last piece of steak. With a butter knife.”

“Listen. He’s got spirit.”

Malleus leans back, his arms crossed, exhaling.

“He would love you fiercely. Violently, perhaps. But fiercely.”

“So you approve?”

“I fear for your furniture. And your safety. But I also acknowledge… he's a good boy, more or less.”

He squints at the horizon, as if seeing your future already.

“Just… don’t let him carve your initials into a tree with a switchblade. I suspect he’d try.”

Malleus Draconia approves...! more or less...

“What about Trey? I think he's charming”“…The one with the glasses.”

“He’s sweet! Responsible. The mom friend. Cooks really well. Totally husband material, right?”

“Ah yes. The one who made a pie so suspicious that even the ghosts refused to eat it.”

“That was one time! He apologized!”

“He smiled while doing it. The way humans smile before adding mysterious ingredients to tea.”

“He’s just composed! You’re overthinking it.”

“What is he hiding?… secrets...?”

“Malleus. He made me homemade matcha roll cake for my birthday.”

“And yet you fell asleep immediately after eating it.”

“It was a nap!!”

“He once said ‘I only bake with love’ and then threatened Trappola with a rolling pin for touching his flour stash. Is that love… or culinary tyranny?”

Malleus closes his eyes, hands folded.

“He would be a devoted partner. Warm. Reliable. But if he ever turns on you… no one would suspect it until it was too late.”

“You would disappear and your name would be carved into the crust of a farewell tart.”

“MALLEUS.”

“I did not say he was unworthy. I said he was concerningly efficient.”

Malleus Draconia approves...! ermh...

“So… I might have a thing for Silver.” Malleus: goes completely still

“Silver. My Silver.”

"Okay that phrasing was weird but—yeah.”

“The quiet, sleepy, sword-wielding child..?”

“Exactly! He’s calm, thoughtful, protects others, makes me feel safe—”

“He falls asleep in hallways.”

“Yeah, but cute!”

“He falls asleep mid-conversation.”

“He’s a knight, Malleus, let him nap.”

“He would never hurt you.”

“So you approve?”

“I also once watched him sleep through an earthquake. You must understand the risk you're accepting.”

“He's endearing!”

“You would have to carry him. Often.”

“That’s fine!”

“You would be dating a man who forgets to blink.”

“Again. Fine.”

“...He would cherish you deeply. But if you perish in battle because he took a nap at the wrong moment, do not haunt me.”

Malleus Draconia approves!

“Also… don’t be mad but I think Sebek is kind of—y’know.”

“No. You don’t mean that.”

“He’s passionate! Devoted! Loyal to a fault—”

"Sebek... my pure-hearted Sebek. He yells when the tea is too hot"

“Because he wants you to have the perfect temperature for you!”

“He corrects your posture. While smirking about the honor of my name.”

“He’s intense!”

“He once screamed for twenty straight minutes because Silver was three minutes late to sparring.”

“He’s just emotional!”

“He called a squirrel a ‘treacherous beast’ for stealing one of your snacks.”

“And?? I was gonna eat that snack!”

“He attempted to knight himself in my name with a broomstick.”

“...kind of hot.”

Malleus just stares at you.

“You truly find him attractive...”

“He’s strong! Passionate! And deep down, I think he’d be really soft in a relationship.”

Malleus folds his arms, lips pressed thin on a little smile.

“He would shout his love for you across a battlefield.”

“Romantic.”

“He would duel someone over your honor if they merely sneezed too close to you.”

“Chivalrous!”

“He would scream your name into the abyss every night until the abyss screamed back.”

“…We all want someone like that deep down.”

“If you truly believe your ears can endure such a bond, then… I give my blessing. But I refuse to attend your wedding unless earplugs are provided.”

Malleus Draconia approves!

LITTLE BONUS

THANKS TO @lulu--lala19 FOR THIS IMAGE CUZ SHE MADE IT HERSLEF