My safe haven

It’s been two years since I’ve posted on here. I guess because of the rush and busyness in my life, I forgot about Tumblr. 

I spend most of my days binge-watching TV shows I haven’t watched or have watched for like the fourth time. I’ve moved into an apartment with my partner who I am still with for 3 years.

I finished going to school for a Support Worker. Now I need to find a job in that field. :3 I’m procrastinating but I’ll soon make some calls that I’m too nervous to make. I honestly don’t know what I am going to do. I’m better on the phone because they can’t see my expression and body language. 

I’m very happy this year. It was rough but my partner and I manage to take it step by step due to not having much work for the beginning of January and through February. Last year was great and we had some ups and downs but got through it. This man, Francis, makes me really happy. 

We are going to be moving into a bigger place and a duplex. :D I can’t wait to move in. I’ve got a lot of things planned out and an image of the place. I mean, for me this is a step up. I met people I can get along with and can call...friends. I learned stuff and don’t let others who manipulate me do it. 

I feel changed. In a good way. A positive way. I have moments of where I feel slightly depressed but my cats help me with that. I also can control it, express it to my partner and he cheers me up. I express a lot of anxieties and my feelings to him when it does occur just as he does with me. 

Our relationship gets stronger and stronger. We trust each other and have this unbreakable bond between us. 

There have been many things happening. 

I have a lot of anxieties and overthinking. Also, my father said I think too much about myself (but I really only have myself to think about besides my lady at work.). I gotta break out of that. 

I’ve been trying to think less of myself and more of others but I have no idea how that's supposed to work. Maybe because I’ve been isolated for a couple of years and unknowledgeable about how to converse or even interact with people. 

Anyways, whole reasons on why I want to write is because I’m overthinking. 

My boyfriend is out partying. The normal thing for a man is age and surrounding by friends. I can admit that I am jealous he has a lot more friends and fun than myself. Then again, I don’t go to school and I’m majority the time I am by myself. 

See, I have a lot of flaws and things I hate about myself. Jealousy, Compulsive Lying, Self-hate, Overthinking, and Loneliness. You know...they say having a partner will fix that. But I feel alone. I hardly talk to him. But hey! I will get to talk to him one day...when we decide to live together, right? 

Anyways, I have this weird...thought in my head that since all my exes cheated, the next guy will. Francis isn’t much of a cheater, doesn’t sound like one. I admitted I was a cheater and told myself I was never going to do that EVER again with the previous guy and I never cheated. I was faithful. 

They say once a cheater is always a cheater but I proved that wrong to MYSELF, can I think that way for another. That the next won’t cheat? Can I? 

Why am I so intimated by women? There are some women who are okay but then there are others who are just plain...bitches and can’t be trusted. Same goes with guys. They can be nice and sweet, then there are assholes and dick heads. 

I don’t know. I haven’t sprung out yet. I haven’t had that moment of like: “YOU ARE AMAZING!” “HE LOVES YOU! HE WILL NEVER CHEAT!” Or even: “YOU CAN BE YOU!”

I haven’t had that moment of realization. One day it will come. For now...I’ll have to take baby steps. I need to ease into things. I haven’t thought about cutting until last week. 

No worries, I’m not going to do it. Writing gets my mind off of cutting. Therapeutic for me. My heart and etc. 

I’m going to try to distract myself. As much as I can. I have an idea for writing and I want that down. 

Plus, I realize it has nothing to do with the guy. It has something to do with me and my past partners. The last two, Mal and John, fucked me up really good. Now, I have to put that aside for this chapter and in hopes that 2017 will bring me better happiness and luck. 

Hmmm, I realize there’s things about myself that need to improve and somethings where...well, I don’t. 

Language is always hmm, a thing. I need to improve that. Okay, okay. Let’s make a list in order to simplify it. 

Improvements to be made:

Language, Self-love, CL disorder, weight issues, fix my face to have less acne and less mehh, brain, be a little bit more smart, pay attention, and the list goes on. 

What I don’t want to improve is my friends. 

Sure I want friends, sure I’d like to see my friends oh so very often but...I like seeing my friends one-on-one. He ask me why my friends don’t gather all together and see one another with myself, well, my friends know how I am. They know I require...individual attention. You place me in a group of tons of people who I know and they know me, I will not join a group conversation but will be talking one-on-one with someone. At work, I do that. My friend understands my way of how I am. At least the close ones. 

I don’t see this as a bad thing.  I don’t see my friends that often because I don’t really have much friends. What am I...how? 

Hahaha, This isn’t an issue for me. Friends isn’t an issue, it’s myself, yes but besides that, my friends are perfect. 

...I will assure you, I don’t have social skills. When he tells me that his friends are mine, no. Your friends are your friends. My friends are mine. My friends don’t mind meeting you but...these friends don’t get all together to meet you. It’s individual and they make sure I’m comfortable. 

Is it bad that I prefer one-on-one rather than being in a group where everyone is everywhere and I’m a lost puppy? Is it bad that I prefer to be on my own rather than surround myself with friends or even family?

We met, hugged and stared at each other. 

  I wanted to make the first move and kiss him but I didn’t. We watched the new Star wars movie and was really close. I wore a tank top and made the first move to place his hand on my breast. He didn’t flinched at all but went along and grabbed. 

I felt a thrilled but composed myself. I controlled my urges to leap over and just make out with him. I kept myself calm. I kept on touching him and made sure he was comfortable with my touch. He touched my shoulder, my neck and jaw line. After the movie, he lean over to me and kissed me. He tremble, probably since he hasn’t done it but I know I wasn’t trembling because I didn’t see it coming. I figure he was getting ready to leave so I turned my head to him and he just kissed me. 

I was caught off guard and wandered if I should kiss him again so I did. Hahaha! He didn’t question me like before. He was nervous and took a chance. When we got out, he went to the bathroom like I did. He was nervous and I made the secondary move to kiss him. 

I brought him to House of Jazz. We grabbed some drinks and I got out of hand like usual. Hahaha! Yup. Alcohol and Julie doesn’t go so well with a handsome man like himself. I kept on kissing him, touching him, tasting his tongue and just enjoyed the music. I was being dirty and unpure. Something I sort of regret but I’m like that. 

He kept on getting a boner. At least that’s what he told me and he said that when he was in the bathroom, he placed cold water down his crotch since he was trying to get rid of it. He wanted to touch me, he wanted to explore my body but didn’t. 

When we got to Bonaventure, I pressed his face against my chest and he went into my shirt and touched my body. I had a chance to touch his body and I liked the feeling. He was curvy and slightly chubby. But he had curves, something that turned me on. But I wasn’t enjoying him for that, his personality got me. Not his body or his seductive and charming ways. 

He let me have his shirt and I took it with pride, kind of buzzed but I sat on his lap and we kissed, touching each other and being horny bastard. He said he loved me and I returned it but told him it was too soon but one day I’m sure we’ll both mean it. He agreed and didn’t press on. 

When he had to go, I kissed him and straggle away, smelling his shirt as much as possible to get a scent and I did. It was sweet but maybe that was me. It smelt sweet as shocking as that smell but I didn’t know if that was me. 

Ahhh, I’m seeing him tomorrow and I can’t wait for that. :3

I had a bad night and he cheered me up as much as possible. Hahaha! Mainly Rodney since he was the only person to respond and help out when he can. My parents gave me words of wisdom and told me I should of walked away. He decided I was toxic and horrible. And then he wants to be with me and claim to have still love me?

But...I fell out of love? with you. 

How can I be with somebody who I can’t trust? How can I be with someone who has cheated on me? I let go of you and moved on. I’m focusing on myself and then this man came in and made me positive, happy and just...colored my dull grey life. 

I started smiling more, waking up in a happier mood and just simply...loved myself cause he made me want to love myself. I’m still in the process and he’s by my side, keeping me straight.  He’s completely different and seriously...everything I WANT in a guy. Is that fucked up? I questioned him and he answered all of it. I was so surprised! HE FUCKING DOESN’T WATCH PORN AS MUCH! HE THINKS IT’S FAKE AND UNREALISTIC! 

Ahhhh! My first impression of him was that he was hmm, fucking like...He’s good looking as fuck! I’m standing here, sweating like a beast while he’s there looking all flawless. 

I...I couldn’t help but panic for a second before he brought me back to um, reality. Hahaha! I feel like I did a lot of the bad talking but that’s because well, I’m making sure he doesn’t have any requires of that. I...I trust him. From what happened today, I think he’s an amazing mythical talkative creature. 

There were a few times where I didn’t want to face him due to my anxiety but later on, I did. I’m sure...I’m VERY SURE! The second date will work out fine. I will be glorious with him! I WILL CONTROL THY SELF LIKE TODAY AND WILL NOT SWEAT LIKE A MAGICALLY PIG!

...I just...I’m curious on what he thinks. I’m curious about his thoughts of me even though he says like, “You are more gorgeous in person,” or “I can’t wait to see you next week and hold you,” I shouldn’t be worried of what he thinks but I’m curious. 

I think I acted a bit like a child but this is...me. What I showed him today...this is me. There were some parts where I felt a bit guilty about and a bit umm, intense. But...these are problems that will eventually be fixed. I’m working on myself. I’m working on me. 

Julie is still in the making. I...I seriously like this guy. He puts a smile on my face and even if I let out nervous laughter or giggles, I still feel at ease with this guy. 

I looked him in the eyes due to comfort toward the end. I NEVER LOOKED HIM IN THE EYE THE WHOLE DAY TODAY UNTIL TONIGHT! I...I didn’t know why but I felt comfort. I relax into his touch. When he massaged my shoulders or touched the small part of my back, I wanted to moan and just FUUUCCCKKK!

I WAS GETTING TURNED ON! HE FUCKING TURNED ME ON! 

This is very rare because I’m usually working to turn someone on. The guys I’ve dated turned me on but it’s like...force. They’ll work too hard and force it upon me. This guy is gentle, his touch...THERE’S SOMETHING WITH HIS TOUCH THAT JUST-JUST....FUUUCCKKK! HOW DO YOU DO IT?! HOW DID I MANAGE TO CONTROL MYSELF?!

MY BREATHING WAS GETTING HEAVY AND I WAS EXPLODING IN MY BRAIN but you know what? I controlled myself. I told myself since this guy is composed, I will be composed. I will hide that part of me that wants to jump his bone and just kiss him. 

HE WAS SO POLITE TOO! He asked if he could kiss me and I just...I wanted a right moment with him. I wanted a moment where like...it’s perfect. We were both in a good position and our face slightly close and...I want him to make the first move. I don’t want to go for the kiss or make a bold move by kissing his cheek. 

Even though I was close to but...I gotta wait! I want him to prep me and butter me up for the kill. 

I really like this guy. 

I’m shy but lovable person. I’m weird but can be normal at times. I don’t know how to communicated very well with other humans because I believe I lost those throughout the years of being captivated by assholes in my life. Communicating with somebody gets harder and harder for me but luckily, I have friends who either understand me or just help improve myself. 

I’m hoping my therapist helps me a little bit on it. She know how to communicate and maybe she’ll give me tips on how to better communicate. I have social anxiety and a lot others. Hopefully this guy I’m talking to helps out a bit. I’m meeting a completely stranger sort of and I see this as a sign of doing small things to crack out of my shell. 

I don’t wear make up. Make up irritates my skin, especially my eyes for some odd reason. I wear little make up. Certain lipsticks, maybe but that’s all. I’m all natural, my skin sometimes look dead but I have a facial routine to cleanse, moisturize and tone my face. Cleanse, tone and moisturized. THAT.  

I don’t have a good fashion. I mainly consist of t-shirt, tangtops, leggings, yoga pants and usually get clothes from my sister if she doesn’t want it. Joy of having a sister who’s kind enough to donate clothes to me. I did promise myself though, that I will dress better to look less of a young person. 

I’m silly but I can be serious. I just choose to make people smile and laugh rather than be down. I rather see people happy than sad. That’s why I either hug people or make them laugh. 

I don’t know a lot of words simply because I’m not that educated. I’m the oldest so my job in the family is to provide whatever money I can. I want to go into certain courses but either has to be at night after 6:30pm or it has to be early in the morning around 7 and end around 11am. I’ll try to improve my vocabulary and improve my French. 

I speak horrible French and hopes to improve it. I don’t speak English or French very well so him meeting me in hopes to improve his English may be sweep out the door. 

I’m slightly nervous to meet him only because of my intelligent. I’m street smart, I could improvise. His intelligent is way off the roof and I find myself slightly staggering behind in order to keep up. I want to be smart but I don’t have any room in my day or night to improve. It’s hard for me to find time since the old folk home can be spontaneous. Either it’s 6:00 p.m. or 6:30 p.m. 

God, I forgot about my stutter and speech impediment. 

...I’m being hard on myself, I know. Sorry. I had a total of three men who were all intelligent and beat me down simply because my brain isn’t comprehending right. Does that make sense? I have no idea. I’m trying!

I don’t know much but I realize I have a lot to offer people. Take a chance on me. Give me a chance to improve and hell, maybe I’ll blow your mind or make you realize that I’m trying as much as I can. 

I have a lot of love to give, a lot of jokes to be told and a lot of strange stories. Like that time I wore fake plastic pants that kept on falling. I kept pulling it up and tied a scarf around my waist to hold it. At one point going home, it ripped and there was a giant hole where you can see my crotch and thighs. It was embarrassing and I had only used it that one day, spent 25 dollars on it and hated it. 

Never buy clothes online. Only t-shirts and tang tops. 

Ahhhh, I have to go see my movie soon. 

Well, Jonathan and I are no longer a thing and it’s okay. 

He wants other people and to explore while I want something like a commitment and a relationship. I know I may not have a lot of experiences but you know, maybe I’ll be with a guy who doesn’t care about that. Maybe I’ll meet a guy who prefers me as I am. 

He didn’t want me for real. He wanted me on the side while he sees other people. He wanted freedom. He screams for freedom and I don’t want that. 

Somebody actually is keeping me positive. I wake up in the morning, happy. I wake up and realize that today is going to be a good day. Stressful on my emotions but a good day nonetheless.

Panda (well call him that) is someone who I haven’t met yet but who I have spoken to who has...given me hope. It’s weird to say that but he lifts up my spirit and makes me feel comfortable when I speak to him. He gets me nervous sometimes cause well, I’m really not smart. 

Holy fuck, this guy is smart as hell. He’s in university so I don’t blame him. I’m keeping it friendly with a few like harmless flirts but I’m keeping my guard up cause well, I don’t straight up know him. If he sees my face, he might be like: ‘Geeze, she’s ugly in really life,’ and I have to live with that. 

I’m nervous about him meeting me and realizing like: ‘I can’t be friends or date or whatever this chick cause she’s not smart and she is extremely childish’. I still have my fears which I need to get over but you know...it will go away with time. 

Panda is really a great guy who honestly makes me wish I could hug him and thank him for putting a stupid smile on my face. I go on about my day and when he messages me, that creepy smile of mine comes on. 

I’m clearly not moving on right away. I haven’t met the guy, we’re talking online and we’re just simply getting to know each other. I’m nervous to be playing with him and really nervous if I get the chance to meet him. That’s why I’m dragging my sister along with me when I go to the Legend of Zelda Symphony. FUCK THAAATTT

I need a smart person to protect me and that’s my sister who is equally as smart as him and can protect me if he speaks to me about smart stuff. 

Ahhh, well. I’m a lot happier now these days. Jonathan is no more, Malcolm is no more and I’m sure life from here will carry on. 

There’s still some stuff I have to speak to with my therapist. Personal issues like ‘being afraid of women’, ‘being afraid of being myself around people’, ‘my human skills’ and etc. I’m sure she’ll help. 

I can’t wait to tell her about Panda, though. We’re friends. Getting to know each other. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t know where things will carry on and I swear, Teachers are fucking hot. 

*cough**cough* Yes.

It all comes down to that. 

What do you want in a relationship? What do you want in life? 

What I want someone who I could be best friends with and just a simple partner in crime. Someone who I could be comfortable with and be myself with and not worry about what they think. I want someone to take control and be like, “It’s okay, let me calculate for you,” or “let me speak French for you, I got your back,”. Looks don’t matter to me, it’s all about the personality and the way they treat you. 

I know I won’t get completely what I want but I could find someone that’s suitable to me. Someone who wants me for me and who isn’t going to tell me that being who I am is wrong. 

I’m reading an article between Mature and immature relationship. I see that between Jonathan and myself, we have a immature relationship. I’m really unsure of what he wants. He says he wants one thing but then says that he wants something else. 

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I need more work since he doesn’t. Maybe I need to work more on myself and on building this trust rather than worrying about the what if and the what not. 

I know that if he and I don’t last, I could always look online and take care of myself. Nothing last forever unless you seek for forever. A mature relationship is forever until one dies. 

All I know is that one day, I’ll have someone to call my own. It may be Jonathan or may not be. I just know that I’m not giving up on something I strive for. Love is what I want and need. All you need is Love. 

Love to me is not overrated or stupid. 

People to me need love rather than hate. 

I want to better myself and do things to improve myself. Know myself better since he knows who he is. I want to improve myself so in the future I could be who I am and be happy. I want to show my significant other that I’m a better person than I was before. 

What I want in life is happiness, love and a good life. Something I can be proud of even when I make the stupidest mistake. 

I thought Jonathan and I were going back together. Him seeing me and me seeing him, dating in a way so we rebuild something between us. I probably misunderstood cause he said we’re friends. 

Wait...Friends? Friends don’t kiss, friends don’t make out with each other, FRIENDS DON’T GROPE EACH OTHER! I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS YOU HAVE BUT THAT’S NOT A FRIEND! That’s something more, don’t you think? 

Maybe I’m confused. Very confused. 

Then he said that he can change his mind. Like, if he panics or feels shitty, his mind will change he and no longer wants to be with me. He no longer has the need or want or whatever to date me, fuck me, love me, miss me and etc. So, there’s a 50/50 chance of being in a relationship with this guy AGAIN. 

Why is it that I make the guy decide? Why is it that I think to myself, ‘Yeah, he can choose and decide since I know what I want.’?

It’s strange cause as I think about it, yes. Yes of course, I would love to be back in a relationship with Jonathan. Without him being panic and having full blown anxiety attack and have him comparing me to every fucking beautiful woman out there and masturbating to the women online while in a relationship, YES. He sounds different now, he doesn’t look different but his personality slightly changed. 

What I’m trying to say is, I want a relationship again with this guy. I would go back in a one day to be with this man. I feel like he is my partner. We have certain things in common and we’re...just in my head compatible for each other. 

He doesn’t want to label us until he’s 100% sure...We’re seeing each other...nothing more yet nothing less. I have a 50/50 chance. 

We’re seeing each other...

We’re friends.

We’re not dating. No, no, dating is for losers.

He’s afraid of commitment. I know that. 

Why do I DO THIS TO MYSELF?! Why do I...why do I hurt myself? 

Then I, too, should be thinking about him as a friend? I’m shouldn’t be kissing him or hugging him in a lovey way. I shouldn’t be talking about the future with him, I shouldn’t be cuddling him the way I do and hoping for some pets and kisses my head. 

...Fuck, I’m confused. 

WHAT DOES HE WANT?! WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT?! 

....I want a relationship with this guy again.

But he’s afraid of commitment. He’s afraid of a lot of things.  

I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m afraid to be heartbroken again and have someone stab me in the heart with their words and hate. 

Man, we’re just a lot fixer-upper. 

*cue Frozen song ‘FIxer upper*

I’m back from Cuba but I had a small little cold and bad liquid diarrhea. 

  I decided, after the wedding, to call my ex and just like drunk call him my feelings. I did so and I spill more. I didn’t understand myself but I didn’t care cause I could be having someone who took me for my personality and issues problems. 

I don’t know what’s going on. All I know is that I’m going to be very uncomfortable around him when meeting his new friends. He makes more girlfriends than men. 

I’m really tired and stress. I’m, once again, overthinking things. 

He really love making friends and I want to make friends but not a lot. I may ask for a full crowd but I know deep down in my huge heart that Melanie, Santino, Joel, Aleisha, James, and a few others is all I require. Making new friends sound great but sometimes, I keep to the ones that I know the best and that knows me the best. 

I bring myself down because I’ve been put down. 

...I don’t know. I’m confused in the head right now and all I want to do is sleep and never get up. I have to clear my mind and see what I want and need. 

I want to go back into the relationship with him. Only thing is risk of being hurt again and having him praise other women. Comparing me with his eyes to other women. 

...Maybe it’s all just me. 

You see...I can’t tell myself I hate him when I terribly miss the living hell out of him. He’s my ex and I know I’m treating him in a way like Malcolm but...he hurts me. 

He cheated on me with one of his online friend and stops talking to her but when he and I break up...he goes back to her (saying she has a boyfriend and how she’s ‘faithful’ and won’t do anything). I call bullshit cause what she did to me...

What I did to him was bad, yes but he...he said fuck it and cheated. They were in the wrong and I was in the wrong too but I didn’t act upon anything. I stayed faithful to this guy. I wanted to prove to myself that I can be faithful and not cheat and do what cheaters do. I wanted to change myself for the better and not be who I was before. 

It hurts a lot and it’s like a stab in the chest. It’s like, “I’m befriending the woman I cheated on you with again because I missed her and missed speaking to her,”

I was an idiot for staying with him. I should of ended it. I...I feel like an idiot. I feel like a hardcore idiot for staying. Why? Why did I stay? Why did I put myself through so much and hurt myself more? 

I should of slapped myself across the face and tell myself that I’m better than that. Even when I stayed, he kept on watching her porn. GAHHHH! I want to scream! I want to cry! I want to punch him! I want to attack him and make him hurt as much as I did. 

But...

He doesn’t have any remorse for what he done to me. It’s anxiety, right? The reason why he said hurtful and mean things, and the reason why he cheated and stomp on my heart was because of his anxiety. He didn’t mean it, right? But...it still hurts. 

My chest hurts and I feel myself fading. But I’m going to keep my head up and think positive. I have a family that loves me, friends who think I’m perfect the way I am, people who accept me for me. I want to embrace those who kept by my side. 

I wish I could just...vanish from his thoughts. I wish he could just not appear around my mind ever again. 

Love hurts. Love stabs the ones who gives everything to that one person. 

I’ve been a target ever since I started dating when I was 15. 

Positive thinking, positive thinking. 

I’m done. I’m done crying over this guy who swore he’d never go back to the woman he cheated on me with. I’m done getting hurt. 

I want to be happy, I want to smile and cuddle someone who I will love and cherish. I have to work on a lot of stuff.  

I find that the more I’m alone, the more intelligent I lose. My lady speaks and I come to realize that she has explained a word to me in German before and she did tell me what it meant in English. 

I have no human skills. A man messages me and I squeal while hiding under my blanket. A friend messages me and I feel emotional cause I haven’t spoken to them in ages. I honestly swear, I am a cat. 

I act like a cat, I squeak like a cat, I freak out like a cat. I am a cat. 

I have to speak to my therapist about um, Social anxiety groups. Get myself more out there and if I chicken out, I’ll ask her to help me be less shy. 

God, when the guy messages me, my lady part tingled. That is the most fucked up thing I ever said. WTF is wrong with me?!

Lack of human communication, Julie. That’s what’s wrong. You think everyone is after you in a sexual way. 

I think too much. I’ll admit that. 

I’ll admit that I want someone to grab a hold of me and shake me, telling me that I’m loved and that hurting myself will only cause me more pain (which it will physically). 

I sit here and I’m like: “He probably has a girlfriend. He probably hates me. He probably used me and told me things so he could fuck me. He probably doesn’t love me and maybe he never did.” 

After...what? A week of being by myself, I’m like crushed more than ever. Why am I still hung up on this guy? What’s keeping him in my head? What’s keeping me from loving him? Why do I feel more hurt than ever? Why am I trying to move on in order to love again? Why am I seeking out for somebody? 

Cause I’m alone. 

I’m alone with myself, with my head, with my soul, with my dead brain, and with my mind. I’m alone and I’m trying to search for something for someone to hold me and love me and just tell me they’re never leaving my side. 

I’m afraid to go to school and have to go through that phase where I hardly know anybody and have to make friends. I’m afraid people will look at me and judge me. Baggy clothes, t-shirts and just jeggings. 

I’m afraid that if I start dating again the next guy will compare me to other women and hurt me three times as much. 

I’m afraid of being unloved by that special person. I’m afraid that my old ways will come back and I will no longer be able to keep a decent relationship because of my craziness. 

I’m tired but...last thing I have to say is that...

Jonathan fucked me up good. I’m slowly thinking the way he did when he wasn’t on anti-depressant. 

I’m slowly hating myself and hating life. That...maybe I should do something about it.

But honestly, that’s be over analyzing everything. 

So, I am sitting here, ignoring all the cleaning I have to do around me. It’s late but I’ll do the cleaning soon. 

I decided to let go. Let go of who I wanted to be with. He was happy and I was miserable. I had nobody but myself and I still have nobody but myself. My family...don’t really pay much attention to me and I come to realize that...I’m not the most favorable child. Honestly, I feel more alone than ever. 

When I was dating someone, I had a place to go, someone to cuddle and talk to and someone to give me that bit of attention that I needed. I...I felt loved and I don’t know if it’s a family thing or if it’s just...not feeling accepted or praised. 

I rarely talk to anyone. I’m too scared to speak, to weak to open the heavy doors that are standing in front of me. All I know what to do is be quiet. Sit there, be quiet and take it. 

Step on me, take money from me, create me, fuck me, hurt me, hate me, use me, abuse me, play with my torn broken heart and forget about me. 

Days I’ll be like, “I belong, I belong!” but deep down, I know I don’t. Deep down...I don’t belong. I may share the same trait, the same personalities, the same interest and etc, but deep down...I don’t belong in this family. 

Getting an apartment on my own or with Joel, sounds good. Getting an apartment on my own sounds better but if I have Joel or someone else’s support, I could make it better. Just...when will that happen? 

After Cuba, I’m saving money for School, PC Desktop and Monitor and list of things I want and need. 

Why...Why do I feel so alone?

Why do I feel so unloved and ignored by my family? Friends is because I hardly speak to them and due to being busy, It’s normal. But family...I should be the closest when I’m not. 

I know...starting soon, I won’t tell them about my day, they won’t ask me about my day or how my therapy went. I’m invisible and I’m a failure. No way of dodging that. 

You see...how can I be happy if I’m not happy with myself and my life? I don’t want to...hurt myself. I’m having urges to cut, to bleed, to feel some sort of pain to punish me from thinking about ending things. 

My family won’t even know I’m gone. Who is going to care? 

My friends hardly knows who I am, family hardly cares or worries about me, exes don’t matter. One guy I truly wanted to be with doesn’t want me anymore and is perfectly happy without me. He probably has a girlfriend now. 

He will get one, I swear. 

He fucked me up good. They all did. 

Now all I have is what? 

A Broken torn Julie who is alone, afraid and unloved. 

I know remember why I stopped liking my former boyfriend. 

  He was always scared about everything and would freak out over his heart. His anxiety would get to me and he would always talk about him, him, him. Like if I had mention something about me, he’d switch it to him. 

He said it’ll take time to fix him and I could either wait until he gets better or not. He said that he may not want me when he gets better or something like that. When he realize how much of a bad girlfriend I was to him, he’d drop me like tic tacs. 

Maybe as I go through life, I’d find someone. Like right now, my mood goes back and forth between loving this guy and not loving him. From hating him to not hating him. I realize that a few things I’ve done wasn’t the greatest but I never once cheated on this man, nor have I brought him down. He cheated on me virtually, he brought me down and he never came into hand when I needed it. 

You see, I know in my life down the line, I’ll have cancer and Diabetes but I’m not afraid. Death comes to us one way or another. We either do it ourselves or have time do it. People are going through worse things and what he consider horrible and life-threatening isn’t as bad as the others. 

I get it...he’s scared to drain fluids from his heart. He’s scared of living in the real world and having to struggle, he’s scared of a lot of things, he’s scared of ME but he’s not scared to let me go as a girlfriend or lover. He’s not scared to let me go as a friend, either I assume. 

I realize how stupid it is for me to hang around him, hoping for a change of mine, hoping for...”Oh god, I’m in love with JEWEL!” but I know it’ll never happened. Reason being why because honestly, he doesn’t want or need me. He’s keeping me for sex. I’m keeping him for hope but he’s keeping me for sex. 

I’m not that stupid, come on. He claims I’m the only woman he’s going to be fucking and etc, I don’t think so. I may be dense but I’m no fool. 

I know what I’m doing is wrong and against everything I stand for. 

   If it doesn’t work out, I will be torn but we’ll be friends. That’s the thing. Best thing I could do right now is be his friend and stand by him. I’ll stick to his side and love him from a distance. 

I did that with Joel for a while. But right now...he needs this. He needs a friend and hopefully, I could be that friend. 

Today, I was suppose to see his mother but he said that he wanted to see me first, have sex with me and pleasure me. I’m the only girl he wants and needs but doesn’t want stress or pressure. I get that. I don’t want stress or pressure from him either. We’re friends. We’re friends with benefits and I know what will happen if it doesn’t work. 

We’re friends for now. 

He and I had sex (which was mind-blowing!). I kept on saying how I needed to see his mom but he kept getting turned on and wanted to continue fucking me. I mean...I wanted this. I wanted to have sex with him so I did. My mistake cause seriously, when we stepped out, His mom got angry. 

She said she wanted us out. His father was in the washroom and when he came out, he made the meatloaf, turning to Jonathan after putting it into the oven and started yelling at Jonathan. 

I wanted to explain myself but in this family...you couldn’t get your words out there. I wanted to say that I should of been tough and did as I said. I should of kept my promise. I didn’t. She called me a liar and his father stepped in. His family hates me. I know that. 

His father yelled back at Jonathan and I didn’t understand cause they were speaking French. I was scared but I stood my ground. I watched as his father moved closer to him, shouting in Jonathan’s face. Jonathan pushed him like a ‘back-up’ push so his father reacted that he was pushing him back with force but it was a ‘whoa-too-close’ push. I know that. Jonathan shouldn’t have touched his father, he should of stepped back but he didn’t. He pushed Richard back and I swear, something in his father eyes read anger. 

They pushed a little bit of each other but Jonathan was trying to stand his ground and then his father placed a hand on his neck. I didn’t know if it was choking or whatever. I was in disbelief because honestly, a family shouldn’t do this. His father eyes were blazing with red like a bull. Jonathan finally backed up and his father walked outside. 

I wanted to jump in but I didn’t know what he would do. I should of intervene but fear of what his father would of done to me scared me. I wanted to jump in, I’m regretting that now. 

I care, love, worry about this guy. We took a long walk to cool off. Well him. When I left, he said that his parents were threatening him to kick him out tomorrow. It was insane honestly but...I mean, I couldn’t believe it. 

We have sex and he gets kicked out?

Is this a sign that I should have never shown up? I told myself that I should have done something today. I should have. If I had to get punch or shoved, I would take it. I fear his father. 

They don’t like me, fine. It’s selfish of me to just care about Jonathan. I care more about him than anybody else. I love him more than I love cheesecake. I worrying about him now. I want to make sure he’s okay and stand by him. If I lived on my own, I’d take him in but I don’t live on my own. 

Jonathan fears of living in the real world. He’ll have to face it sooner or later. His parents (Father doesn’t live with him but is willing to help his mother kick him out) want him out of the house. I’m there, I’m willing to help Jonathan. Call me whatever you want...I’m Jonathan’s friend now. I was his girlfriend but you know what? That’s over and done with and it’s time to go into friend mode. 

If they call me names, I’ll ignore it the way I did with Malcolm. Grab whatever he needs and wants, put it into a bag or whatever, put it into the cab and whatever. I don’t mind that. 

That is if he decided to move out cause he won’t have enough money. He’ll make the rent but not food. He’ll struggle a lot and honestly, struggling in life is living for me. You need to struggle in order to know how the real world is. He needs to find a job if Welfare decides not to support him and would need to act. 

He wants to stay and put up with the mock, arguments and fights. He’s willing to stay in order to not struggle. I’ve struggled a lot in my life but I managed. It was hard but I had a lot of good friends and my parents were a big help. My family is a family. 

His family....I don’t know what I could say about them. They disowned him, put him down, mock him and hurt him. No mother should call their kids a mistake or a bastard or bitch. He shouldn’t have called her names either and his father. His father shouldn’t have put his hands on him and Jonathan shouldn’t have put his hand on his father. 

I wonder why I’m still around and caring for this guy. I remember I went into this relationship to only date HIM. I wasn’t in it for the parents or whatever. I wasn’t dating them so...yeah. Dating him or not, I’m here for him. I see his side and I see how he’s slowly becoming an outcast. He needs to ease himself to society and face his fucked up world. 

Idk, whatever he decides, I’ll be there. If he doesn’t move out...I feel bad but I’m not stepping in that house. After what happened? HELL NO! If he moves out, he moves out and I’ll help him. He needs to grow up. 

My family and I do have problems but we don’t do that to each other. We don’t yell or scream or put hands on each other. We talk it out, argue but we fix it. 

Love plays a powerful ...theme in my life. Being love is something I strive for, loving someone is what keeps me going, and ending love...tears me apart. It’s as if my whole entire life is base on Love itself. Romantic movies, tv shows, anime, music and even plays. 

Love plays a powerful part in my life because it’s all I want. All I need. All I have to give. People in this world need to love more than hate but we’re surround by hate every path we go down. People would hate your face, your clothes, your personality, height, weight, everything. There are those who will return it but for how long. 

I fear being alone. I fear that one day, when I get married....I’ll be divorce. I fear that no one will love me the same way I love them. I fear of not getting love in return. Not friendship love, not family love, not relative love...Love love as in Romance love. 

I want a family, a husband with pets in the future. I want to smile and stress over the little things like pillows being stolen and kids jumping on the bed. I want to curl up next to somebody I love and kiss the nape of their necks. 

All I want is to be happy and loved in that way. I want to love and be loved in return. 

All I need is happiness and love. 

Why won’t anybody love me? 

I have so much to give. I want to help, to give hope and love.

I thought Jonathan would be that person. He changed me in a good way (opened up my eyes to who I am) He made me view things differently...he made me ...feel like I was somebody. 

He attacked me all the time, putting me down but I pulled myself up and told him I’d keep loving him and loving him. 

He knew things about me and didn’t listen. I knew things about him and didn’t listen. He made me see his friends who spoke nothing of English. I made him go places where it was too expensive for his taste. He tried to turn me into someone I wasn’t. I tried to get my wishes. 

He never looked at me the way he looked at those women. He never lusted over me. He never...crave me. I don’t even know if he loved me. Maybe he lied to himself the way I did. 

I didn’t love him at first until we watched Chunnibyou and Golden Time. I think around the time we were watching Golden Time, I saw myself being with him and just enjoying his warm presence and embrace. I saw myself being with him for a long time....

Then again, maybe this was meant to be.