#beinghappyagain

Well, Jonathan and I are no longer a thing and it’s okay. 

He wants other people and to explore while I want something like a commitment and a relationship. I know I may not have a lot of experiences but you know, maybe I’ll be with a guy who doesn’t care about that. Maybe I’ll meet a guy who prefers me as I am. 

He didn’t want me for real. He wanted me on the side while he sees other people. He wanted freedom. He screams for freedom and I don’t want that. 

Somebody actually is keeping me positive. I wake up in the morning, happy. I wake up and realize that today is going to be a good day. Stressful on my emotions but a good day nonetheless.

Panda (well call him that) is someone who I haven’t met yet but who I have spoken to who has...given me hope. It’s weird to say that but he lifts up my spirit and makes me feel comfortable when I speak to him. He gets me nervous sometimes cause well, I’m really not smart. 

Holy fuck, this guy is smart as hell. He’s in university so I don’t blame him. I’m keeping it friendly with a few like harmless flirts but I’m keeping my guard up cause well, I don’t straight up know him. If he sees my face, he might be like: ‘Geeze, she’s ugly in really life,’ and I have to live with that. 

I’m nervous about him meeting me and realizing like: ‘I can’t be friends or date or whatever this chick cause she’s not smart and she is extremely childish’. I still have my fears which I need to get over but you know...it will go away with time. 

Panda is really a great guy who honestly makes me wish I could hug him and thank him for putting a stupid smile on my face. I go on about my day and when he messages me, that creepy smile of mine comes on. 

I’m clearly not moving on right away. I haven’t met the guy, we’re talking online and we’re just simply getting to know each other. I’m nervous to be playing with him and really nervous if I get the chance to meet him. That’s why I’m dragging my sister along with me when I go to the Legend of Zelda Symphony. FUCK THAAATTT

I need a smart person to protect me and that’s my sister who is equally as smart as him and can protect me if he speaks to me about smart stuff. 

Ahhh, well. I’m a lot happier now these days. Jonathan is no more, Malcolm is no more and I’m sure life from here will carry on. 

There’s still some stuff I have to speak to with my therapist. Personal issues like ‘being afraid of women’, ‘being afraid of being myself around people’, ‘my human skills’ and etc. I’m sure she’ll help. 

I can’t wait to tell her about Panda, though. We’re friends. Getting to know each other. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t know where things will carry on and I swear, Teachers are fucking hot. 

*cough**cough* Yes.

How can you turn your back on happiness? all the time i ask myself how i do stuff and then i think 'well of course i can, how can you not?' i ask myself questions all the time. sometimes they make me feel weak when i cannot answer the question and then i tell myself 'you gotta work on that'. i'm really messed up. and more people are coming to light of the relationship, in which i have NO idea how they do... but it's been bringing all the regret messages and i hate it. keep it in yourself ok? 

i really can't wait for the exams to be over. i feel like all the stress has been piling up and compressing into a solid cube and soon, soon enough i'll throw it far awaaaaaay. Today my friend asked why i keep wanting to catch sunrise. you know why? cos once, this person (who i hate now) told me that nobody catches sunrise because they're not beautiful like sunset. i want to prove that wrong. i will take pictures of the most beautiful sunrise. maybe not now, maybe not here, but i will. it breaks the darkness. 

and have you ever lied on your bedroom floor thinking about things? something big things like names of your camera, small stuff like how dreams work or important stuff like 'the hell am i doing with life??' but it's nice. to lie down and feel calm for abit before being thrown back into the boat amidst turbulence and choppy waves. But i'm going to fight it out.