spilled tea.

perhaps all this thinking has convinced my fingers down my throat an attempt to get rid of everything in me that I hate except it took my emotions with it too

there have been countless of times in which my fire was extinguished by someone that doubted what I was capable of simply because I am a woman

what made you think you can dismiss my sex yet lust for it anyway you desire the idea that I am open whenever you please but I never belonged to you yesterday, and I don’t belong to you today 

tell me how can I speak up with the pile of cotton balls sitting on top of my tongue dry and sticks to the roof of my mouth a choking hazard if I say too much

it is evident that the world is twisted and unfair will they defeat us or will we be the ones to defeat? the odds never find themselves in our favor, so why is it that I find it so hard to leave?

how many more kisses, hugs, laughs, and smiles? how much more growth do I need  to prove the universe that you’re good for me?

with every ounce of strength in my body, I am fighting every urge to get up and go but I know that this is where I want to be, and our problems, we’ll outgrow

I am a master at goodbyes but when it comes to you goodbyes sound like desperate cries

I am a curious child trying to hear what the adults are talking about on the other side of the door

my head is on your chest and your heart is knocking I’ve never wanted to hear anything more

anything more than this the beat’s pace increases I can feel your arms around me get tighter

something about the way  your arms wrap around me that makes me imagine being in them when I sleep

you are a home with a fireplace that keeps me warm any day nowhere I’d rather be than your embrace

I’d be a millionaire if I got a penny for every time  I imagine coming home to you sleeping on the couch or the other way around and the words, “honey, I’m home” come out of your mouth

your kisses are sugar I cannot fathom the rush I get from them nothing better than love manifested into innocent forms of affection

you give me ideas  of fooling around in grocery stores going to 24 hour diners and self-guided city tours

have an argument while we’re assembling a new bed because we’re tired and frustrated,  and only god knows where one of the screws went but that’s okay, we’ll make up again and again

we’ll wake up to each other, perhaps to the smell of pancakes maybe you’ll make the smoke alarm go off or your pancakes give me a stomachache

I’ll give you a kiss on the cheek for trying and get ready to leave for the day and before I can say ‘I love you’ you smother kisses all over my face

a new thing everyday but the love stays the same

the people around me  break me in like shoes wear me out until I can no longer be of use

they break in me like houses gaining easy access to the things that are out in the open

so don't question why I'm so locked up and hard to get into

in the last few minutes of the year I chug down 2019 down a dollar store wine glass  and take it all in, so I can let it go

I can feel all 365 days burn my throat

at once every emotion, every event, every turning point floods me

until all I am left with  is the aftertaste of my own blood, sweat, and tears

cheers to a stronger, wiser, and better me

words like fire, thrown along with the physical things I’ll have to try not to step on the glass shards sweep them under the couch when the doorbell rings

hunched over a bathroom scale standing naked in front of a mirror I eye myself up and down like I am my own bully judging my appearance

I can’t remember a time  where I didn’t wonder how many calories there were in my strawberry chapstick

or when the only “x”  I was trying to get away from were on clothing tags

I am obsessed with diet teas and taking shots of apple cider vinegar two times a day

I hate sitting down, because my tummy makes a frown and therefore so do I

my thighs stick like glue and my pants leave marks on my skin

I want to alter my silhouette, but I know I’ll be discouraged once someone says they’re proud of me

“you look so much better now” they say

is the mirror dirty or is it just me? I do my hair in several ways and change my clothes five times wondering what look makes you want to get me between the sheets

but I want to apologize to my body for the times I've consistently peeled the skin off my lips and tried to punch my stomach in cursing a home that possesses vast artistry within

you can call me a museum

so I ask myself again, what do you have on, today?

is your voice alone  enough to make me believe

that i am beautiful

or do i need your hand around my neck to convince me

what will make you look at me, and think my god, how is she mine?

i am looking for validation  in the way your fingers trace my skin

but you’ll realize that my curves are imperfect and my figure’s looking rough

my tummy smiles  and my thighs expand when i sit down

we had tension for a while until it was left under your cologne-saturated tee

we haven’t kissed each other in weeks

we’ve built a tower of innocence left it untouched but tonight, I felt a little carefree

scattered blocks that we’ll hide under your cologne-saturated tee

do not blame me for wanting you in all the ways I could want a person I don't want to just imagine an i love you followed by my name, I want to hear it come out of your mouth genuinely and without the shame

I can jump to the decision to spend my life with you blindly but I’ve found our worth in pictures and words and moments that perhaps it isn’t as blind as it seems to be

and you may disagree but allow me to work for who you are and who we will be walls are hard to break through but with you, how can I not believe

we are order within chaos and that makes us bigger and better because while they envy, we carry on, no matter the weather

clouds filled with resentment, yet all they do is stare maybe throw a bit of thunder and lightning but what did we care?

how relieving it was to know that the sun was still there and in our favor he shone through the crevices that the dark clouds of spite could not fill ever

he was happy to see us at peace and made it easier for us to see see through barriers like dark clouds with tears of displeasure smacking the ground

my fingers like to fidget

like my mind likes to fidget

with endless situations and my emotions

tic tac toe with nostalgia

and hopscotch with self-destruction

it plays tag with every bad possibility

it can think of