jeon jungkook's yn

On any other day you would blush to yourself, you would thank all of your lucky stars for making him yours. But today is not any other day - today makes it a month since the rehearsals started. 

A month has passed since Hoseok has started acting like you don’t exist. 

Now, this is not new. Your boyfriend has always been extremely serious about his work. Whenever it’s the rehearsal season, your time together gets shortened. Rushed calls, small pecks, stealing lunches during work breaks are what is normal during these times. 

However, what is unusual is Hoseok ignoring your texts, receiving your calls only to tell you that he is busy and will talk later. It feels like it has been ages since you spent an hour with him, shared food, talked about everything and nothing, gossiped about the company drama. It has been ages since you felt the warmth of his arms, since he has kissed you like he means it with his whole being. 

Unlike usual times, his eyes don’t follow you when you two are in the same room, nor does he leave stray touches in the excuse of monitoring moves through the screen. It is as if his affection for you has suddenly dried up. 

Or maybe it found a different direction. 

You watch him as he high fives with the group of dancers he has recently gotten close to. He loosely hugs the women making them blush. You watch as he laughs with them, jokes with them, being his usual jovial self. 

You watch as he doesn’t even look at the direction you are standing in. You watch as he leaves the rehearsal hall with his belongings, without texting you to meet him at his studio. 

You get busy tidying things up, rechecking tomorrow’s schedule and preparing yourself to clock out after a particularly long and tough day.

Try as you might, your feet don’t take you inside the elevator. Your heart revolts against you. 

You miss Hoseok. You miss him so much that you are starting to tear up right now. He won’t mind if you stop by his studio for a quick hug, will he? 

You deserve a hug after a month of ignorance, don’t you? 

So, in no time you find yourself at his studio door. Although you know the code, you decide to ring the bell this time. 

A few seconds pass before the door opens. His eyes fall directly on yours - an easy smile takes over your face without any effort. 

“Hi”, you greet him. However, his face shows no sign of gladness, if anything that stays as stoic as possible and that’s something very very unusual. You start wondering if you have done anything wrong after all. 

“Are you busy?” you ask again, given the fact that there’s no reply from his side. 

“No. come in.” he replies after what feels like an eternity, removing himself from the doorway. The low rumble of his voice spreads a carpet of chills down your spine. But there’s something laced with his voice - something that’s definitely not want or lust. 

You have a very ominous feeling about this. You should be happy but something in your gut tells you to hold your horses. 

Hoseok leaves you to close the door behind you and goes to sit on his chair. He starts using his phone as if he has no intention of entertaining you any further. 

“Is everything alright? Are you okay?” you start pushing the conversation further, getting the hint that he is not going to be the one to do anything else. 

“Yes.” The reply comes short and curt.   

Nodding on your own, which he can’t see, you sit down on the couch right behind him. 

“Are you going home after this?” The pressure to keep saying something is starting to kill you now. 

“Yeah. why?” he still doesn’t swivel his chair to look at you. 

You stand up, with just two steps you stand behind his chair and wrap your hands around his neck. He doesn’t react the way you want or expect him to but he doesn’t move away either. 

“It’s been so long since we spent some time together, Hoseok. I know you are busy with rehearsals and everything, but can’t you spare an hour for me?” 

Placing your head on his shoulder, you push your nose into the crook of his neck. Inhaling his masculine yet comforting scent to calm your fears down. 

Hoseok jerks himself out of your hold - your temporary daze shatters like a glass vase. 

“I am tired, Y/N. Can you not do this?” he whines as if you have demanded something really serious from him. 

You straighten, “I’m sorry. But I just miss you. Am I not even allowed to get a hug? Especially since you have been so distant from me? You barely receive my calls or reply to my texts. I can’t even recall the last time we shared a meal together, Hoseok. You are either working or spending time with your new dancer friends. And it’s starting to get to me.” 

Your voice isn’t loud, but it’s not timid either. You know you are not wrong for asking what you are asking from your boyfriend. 

Hoseok sighs audibly. He puts his phone face down. 

“Just so you remember, Y/N. I have a life outside of you. I am not obliged to spend the majority of my time with you. I need some space to breathe too! Why don’t you understand that?” his voice rises in volume, “each time I check my phone, there is either a call or a text from you. I am not a kid, Y/N, whom you need to monitor all the time. And about my new dancer friends, yes, yes I admit spending time with them. They are fun to be with! We have a lot to talk about, mutual passion and stuff, I can’t talk to you about. Do you get that?” 

Each and every word that he spoke pierced straight through your sanity. 

Hoseok thinks you are clingy, boring, he needs space, he prefers his dancer friends because you don’t share the same passion as him or them. 

Oh. 

“Oh. I didn’t know I was bothering you all these times. I- I am sorry.” your voice shakes, tears fill your eyes. 

“I am not asking much from you, Y/N. Just give me some space, will you?” Hoseok closes his eyes and leans his head on the headrest of his chair. 

“Sure. I am sorry.” you take a step back, then another, then another. Even when you open the door and slip outside - Hoseok doesn’t look at you. 

Now, hate is a strong emotion. So, you hardly use the word to explain your feeling towards anything. But one thing for sure is that… You hate crying. 

You hate crying for people, you hate being weak to the point where one gentle poke can break you completely. 

And currently you are in that very state. 

Instead of heading home, you run towards the nearest available restroom. As soon as the stall door shuts behind, you break down. Tears come in a thick trail wetting your entire face, running down your throat, soaking in your shirt. 

You wail until your throat hurts from crying too much. By the time you leave the bathroom and exit the building, buses and subways have stopped running and you have promised yourself to stay away from Hoseok’s life as much as possible. Work can not be adjusted. Being one of the production crew during the album formation stage means you will have to see him almost every day. 

However, you need to be strong and give him what he wants - space. So, from tomorrow you will only focus on work and ignore his existence the way he has been ignoring yours. If he thinks his new friends are way more fun and entertaining than you, then so it be. 

Hoseok can live his life and you will be living yours. For now, the chapter of Hoseok will stay compartmentalized in your brain.

From tomorrow Hoseok will experience radio silence from your end. And that’s one hell of a fucking promise of yours. 

Week 1

Thankfully the preparation stage of an album includes a lot of research work and you gratefully take all the responsibilities on yourself. 

Researching on album related stuff means staying holed up in the department office and having very little to no filming to participate in. and having no filming means not seeing your boyfriend. 

It serves the purpose. Although you end up checking your phone more often than not just to be disappointed with how there’s no text from Hosoek, you are starting to adjust well. 

You also get a lot of time to contemplate everything Hoseok had said that day. You kind of hate to admit that he was not wrong about you being boring or less fun than his dancers friends. 

What are you even? A very ordinary office worker. A woman in her late twenties, who loves plants and is interested in the stock market. 

While the people Hoseok has befriended are colorful, creative, love doing fun stuff, and include him in their tiktok videos, challenges and what not. Just by watching those you can tell Hoseok is really having a great time with them. 

There is new content from at least one of them every single day - and each of those has Hoseok. And those are blowing up, benefitting both Hoseok and the company. More exposure during the production means more people are getting intrigued and waiting for the album to release. 

So, who exactly are you to object? 

You should be grateful for the fact that Hoseok’s eyes have caught you despite you being nothing special. You just should keep quiet and be less privy about what he does in his celebrity life. 

Beggars can’t be choosers after all. 

By the end of the week, you have accepted your fate and stopped waiting for an apology or at least a text from your Hoseok. 

You let life flow and take things wherever it sees fit. 

Week 2

The second week arrives - nothing changes. 

Except for the fact that you are quite nervous about seeing Hoseok again. Last week you avoided any kind of chance meeting but this week the recording for the second song is to start, which means you need to attend several meetings and see Hoseok, talk to him if needed. 

You need to be professional - you keep telling yourself that. 

It’s a blessing not to be directly included in the making of the album, you get to choose the furthest corners during the meetings and no one will ever object. 

Previously, you always chose the diagonal spot across from Hoseok, those seats always provided you with the clearest views of your boyfriend. And you would catch his eyes in several contacts throughout the entirety of the meeting. 

However, you are sure, he will only get annoyed to see you anywhere near him now. 

The meeting starts, you see him walking inside the room and greeting everyone. But once he sits down, he is out of your line of sight and you are quite grateful for that. 

Because just a sight of him brings back his words from that night, his eyes full of annoyance when he looked at you. You can feel the sting of tears at the corners of your eyes, but you blink them away. 

You are not going to cry anymore. Not anymore. 

Seems like heaven is by your side because you get to stay silent during the whole meeting, taking notes on crucial points, making a rough schedule and all that. 

As the meeting ends, you stand up from your seat, asking your coworker to send you the email ID of the sound engineer to notify him of the schedule. You turn your head towards the exit and your eyes meet with Hoseok’s. 

He stares at you while talking to one of the producers. 

As soon as you catch him staring at your way, you look away and exit the meeting room hastily. 

For the rest of weeks, for another two meetings, you make sure not to look at him even by mistake - at least not when you feel his eyes on you. 

Week 3

Week three proves to be the most challenging one. 

The filming for the first choreography video is scheduled for this week, which means you will have to see Hoseok, and will have to interact with him no matter what. 

But most importantly, you will have to go through what you have for the past month yet again. The same ignorance, the same spark of jealousy watching him having fun with his dancers. 

You have been taming your ill-feelings. You have been replaying his words in your mind again and again. 

And that seemed to help previously, but the moment you enter the rehearsal room with the filming crew and see him stretching, a sudden surge of ache washes your sanity. He doesn’t look at you, of course, you don’t even expect him to. You rather get busy with your work as Hoseok goes through the choreography once before the filming starts. 

“Y/N” your colleague taps on your shoulder, “the new photographer is here.” she points towards the guy standing at a corner. 

You walk towards him, “Jaehun-ssi?” 

The guy smiles at you, bowing in half, “yes, nice to meet you. You must be Y/N.” 

You smile back, “Yes, right. Thanks for coming in on such short notice, I had no idea who to call when Shinwon said he was hospitalized.”  

“It’s my pleasure. And also, who doesn’t want to be a part of J-hope’s next album." The guy looks at Hoseok in awe. You smile at his reaction. 

He is such a polite, cute, young guy, reminding you of your own brother at home. Then you see him bow in a particular direction, when you turn your head to see who he is bowing to, you find Hoseok casually walking towards you. 

Your heartbeat matches the rhythm of his steps as he stares at you without blinking. You look away, stepping out of his path and unintentionally standing close to Jaehun. 

“I see a new face here” Hoseok comes to a stop right before Jaehun. The younger guy introduces himself but Hoseok’s eyes are on you. Maybe he is asking for an explanation on the sudden change of the photographer. 

“Shinwon was hospitalized yesterday with food-poisoning. He referred to Jaehun-ssi. So… yeah.” you don’t look at him, you just can’t find it in yourself to look at him. 

“Okay, Y/N-” 

“Jaehun-ssi, let’s go, let me give you a brief.” you cut Hoseok’s words without even realizing what you are doing. 

“Sure.” Jaehun smiles. 

You bow at Hoseok lightly and then leave him standing still. For the rest of the time, before the start of the filming, you avoid looking at him. 

Jaehun serves as a great distraction. 

Throughout the filming you get so engrossed in managing your own work and helping Jaehun out with his work that you don’t notice how often Hoseok is looking your way. 

Usually Hoseok’s practice videos are shot in one take, but today something was off. A total of three takes were needed to perfect things. Then separate shorts for reels and tiktoks were shot. Photos for his instagram, facebook, weverse and other social media channels were taken afterwards. By the time everything ends, the clock strikes seven in the evening. 

“It was really nice to work with you, Y/N-ssi. Thanks for all the help.” Jaehun smiles at you while clutching his bag tightly, ready to go. 

“Same here, Jaehun-ssi. Hopefully we will meet again.” you smile widely at him. 

“Are you free after this? We can grab a coffee-” 

“Everyone” Hoseok’s usually loud voice rings through the atmosphere even louder, “thank you for working really hard today. I know I have been a little distracted and made the filming go longer than usual. So, as an apology, I will buy dinner for everyone tonight.” His eyes lock with yours. And again you look away. 

“Oh… seems like we are not free anymore.” Jaehun says in apparent delight. 

“Yeah, you should go and enjoy the dinner.” you reply to him, collecting your things and preparing to clock out. 

“Oh? What about you? Aren’t you coming?”

“No, I can’t. I have some work at home. Gotta go early. Bye.” You wave at him and inform your colleagues that you will be leaving for the day. Although they are mostly curious and concerned because you don’t miss company dinners usually, they don’t ask anything too privy. 

You leave the rehearsal hall in haste, heading towards the office to collect your bag and leave.

Right when you are pushing your water bottle inside your bag, you hear someone push open the door of the office floor. 

Thinking it might be one of your coworkers, you don’t pay any attention. You turn on your heels to head out, only to crash with a hard chest. 

“Ow. What- Hoseok?” your eyes almost bulge out of their socket as you realize it’s Hoseok who you just crashed with. 

“Y/N-” he raises one of his hands as if to touch you. 

You suddenly recall how he pushed you away the last day you talked to him. The painful and borderline insulting memory forces you to take a few hurried steps away from him. 

Hoseok’s eyes widened at your actions, “are you- are you okay?” 

“Yeah. I am fine. What are you doing here? Do you need something?” the dull ache that you have been suppressing for almost a month now, starts coursing through your veins in full force. 

“I- uh… we're ready to leave for dinner. Are you going to ride with your teammates? Or do you want to come with me? We can make an excuse-” 

“I'm not staying for dinner, Hoseok. I have plans already. I need to be home as soon as possible. Thanks for asking though.” You give him a tight-lipped smile. His expression changes in a heartbeat. The lingering smile that appeared sometime while talking to you, is now gone. A frown sits on that beautiful face of his and you have no idea why he's suddenly so disappointed. 

He wanted space. You are giving him the same. Why does he want your company now? All of a sudden? 

Deciding not to ponder anymore, you bow at him and then try to walk past him. 

Hoseok stops you by wrapping a hand around your wrist. Before you can jerk yourself out of his grip, he pulls you towards him and you crush against his chest again. 

Hoseok wastes no time in digging his fingers on your waist, pulling you more to himself. He starts leaning down, eyes focused on your lips. 

“What- what are you doing? Let me go. Someone might see us.” You try to wiggle out of his grip, but he only holds you tighter.

A smirk plays on his lips, “give me a kiss. I'll let you go, I promise.” 

A kiss? A kiss after he indirectly called you boring? No. Never. 

Just when his lips are about to touch yours, you whip your head to the other side, successfully avoiding the kiss. 

“Y/N…” you can hear the hurt in his voice. He hurt you the very same way, so you try not to feel like a criminal. 

“I gotta go.” Getting out of his grip, you walk away. Not looking behind at him is tough but you need to achieve it. This is what he wanted. And you are just keeping his request. 

That's all. 

If a few tears escape your eyes then Hoseok doesn't need to know about it. 

That night Hoseok calls you twice, sends multiple texts but you ignore them. It's not a petty payback. It's just that you're afraid. 

You don't know what he will say, how things will unfold between you two. 

You hurting him today could be his last straw. He might break things off now, and honestly, you are not ready for it. 

Don't know if you'll ever be. 

He fucked it up. 

Hoseok knows he fucked it up. 

He had his head in his ass when he yelled at you, said those mean things that make no sense. For a moment he lost his mind, he forgot how bad he is down for you. For a moment he forgot how empty your absence makes him feel. 

Thanks to his dumbness and foolish words, he now feels that same emptiness burning him alive during his waking hours. 

For the first week after the fight, he felt nothing. He was still so busy with his dancers, he was having fun. There was a new pub every night, new moves, something new to learn, something new to see - he was way too busy to witness how your texts and calls ceased reaching his phone. 

It was one of those nights when he drank a little more than he should have. He took out his phone to look for photos to update on his insta, that is when he realized something was missing. 

He complained to you about always texting and calling and checking up on him, but he didn’t really expect you to completely stop. 

And then, in his drunken haze, the absence of your “good night”, “get home safe”, “sweet dreams” hit him like a brick. He sat and stared at the last trace of conversation, his decreasing replies and your increasing attempt of getting him to meet you once. 

A pang of guilt hit his heart in a flash, and he realized he had been wrong about you being clingy. He basically stopped giving you any kind of attention and you wanting to see him was only a natural expectation from your side. 

Deciding to start mending what he broke, the next time he sees you, he closes his eyes to get some much needed sleep. 

He twisted and turned the entire night. 

The following week he had a few meetings with the production team, which meant you were to be there. And you being there meant he could, maybe, start a conversation with you. 

Hoseok even planned a conversation. He thought he would ask you to have lunch with him and then he would bring forth the argument of that day and you guys would talk things out. However, his plans fell flat on their faces as he couldn’t find you at your usual seat in the meeting room. 

When he finally managed to get a glimpse of you - you were already preparing to exit the hall. Your eyes met his for a fraction of a second and you pretended like you didn’t even see him and exited the hall without sparing another glance his way. 

It hurt. 

It hurt Hoseok like a fucking wrecking ball. 

For the next meetings, he didn’t even see your face for once. 

He was determined to take proper measures and start a conversation with you. 

His eyes were on you ever since the moment you entered the rehearsal hall, but he looked away each time you looked at him. 

He was about to take his steps towards you just when the new guy walked in, taking your attention and his chance away in just a heartbeat. Still, he didn’t give up, he barged into the conversation you were having with the guy and tried his best to make you listen to him but you were hellbent on ignoring him.

Hoseok could not even concentrate on the choreography for the whole time, his eyes kept going back to you. His internals burned at how the guy was getting all cozy with you and how your attention was on him - only on him - as if you couldn’t see anyone else.

Your attention was his to have. You are his, only his. But he had to fuck things up a big time and now you won’t even look at him. 

He had to do something - that is when the idea of a team dinner popped up in his head. He could corner you, apologize and take you to his home and spend the night together. 

That seemed like such a good plan in his head but then… you walked out of the hall. 

He ran behind you and caught you right before you were about to leave.  

“I'm not staying for dinner, Hoseok. I have plans already. I need to be home as soon as possible. Thanks for asking though.” You gave him a tight-lipped smile. All of his hopes plunged right into the water. He frowned at your decision. You are so angry with him that you are even ready to skip a team dinner? Something you have never done before?  

You bowed at him signaling that you were about to leave, but before you could, he held you back. 

he pulled you towards him and you crushed against his chest again. His heart thumped inside his ribcage. How long has it been since he had gotten so close to you? Felt your skin against his? 

The last time you tried, he behaved like a jerk and now you don’t seem to be too happy to have him close.   

Hoseok’s desires clouded his vision. He held you even tighter, digging his fingernails on your waist. He didn’t even know when he started leaning down, aiming for your lips. 

“What- what are you doing? Let me go. Someone might see us.” You kept trying to shake him off, but he wasn’t willing to let you go.

A smirk played on his lips, “give me a kiss. I'll let you go, I promise.” 

Your eyes went wide. You looked at him as if a deer caught in headlights. If anything, the fire within him burned even brighter.   

Just when his lips were about to touch yours, you moved your face away, avoiding his lips. His lips touched your cheek and his heart broke in his chest. 

He can’t even kiss you now? Fuck! Is this how bad he made things between you two? 

“Y/N…” his voice trembled. You don’t look at him. His grip loosened and you took the chance to free yourself.  

“I gotta go.” you ran away from him. 

In Hoseok's defense, you haven't been answering his calls and texts. So, there's nothing left to do but this. 

This… standing outside your door wearing a flimsy surgical mask and a ball cap. 

Anyone would take him for a thief or a murderer or worse a celebrity, which he technically is. 

He rings the doorbell, praying to the god above for you to open and for your neighbours to stay asleep. 

It's 1:25 at night, a dangerous hour. His name would make it to the morning news if he's unfortunate enough to be followed by a pap. 

However, Hoseok doesn't care about any of those right now. He can't just let you go like this, he can't let you slip through the gaps of his fingers. He would do anything to revive the relationship - he would beg if you want him to. 

But first, you need to open the door. 

He rings the bell again and waits. A few moments later the door flings open with you on the other side. 

You don't look shocked, you don't look sleepy either. If anything, you look furious. 

“Have you lost your mind?” Grabbing him by the collar, you pull him in, “what the fuck do you think you are doing here? At this hour? Your manager is going crazy! Why didn't you let him know -” 

He doesn't let you finish. He jumps on you, wraps his arms around your body and pulls you in for an embrace. 

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way I treated you that day. I'm sorry for every word I said. I didn't mean any of it. Please… please don't do this to me. Please don't stay angry with me.” He mumbles on your shoulder, ears attentive to every single sound you make. 

You sigh, “I'm… I'm not angry with you. Honestly, you didn't say anything wrong.” Placing your hands on his bicep, you push him away a little. He stands before you, tries to search for your eyes desperately. But you just won't look at him. 

It kills him from within. 

“You are you! J-hope! And who am I? Just no one. It's only expected that you would much prefer a company of your own league. Not someone as simple and ordinary like me. I- I don't know why I thought I could be someone you'd always be interested in. I just- I just don't know.” You laugh, it breaks his heart. “We should break up, Hoseok.” 

Hoseok stills. There's no way you are saying this. There's no way you are trying to leave him. 

“No. You can't be serious.” He scoffs. 

“I am. I am serious about this. I have thought about us… and I- Hoseok what are you doing?” 

It's not that his legs have given up, he kneels down on his own will. 

He kneels before you, and looks up at you with tears raining down his cheeks. 

“I can't. I can't do this without you. I know I fucked things up but I have been dying each time you pretend not to see me, each time you ignored me, didn't respond to my advances. I know it's my doing. I asked for space. I know! I know! Fuck! But I am dying, Y/N. I can't live without you. Please… Please don't break up with me. Please.” His entire body heaves with the force of sobs. He can't see anything anymore, tears have blurred his vision completely. 

“Hoseok… Hoseok please stand up.” You hold his arms and hoist him up. Pulling him towards the couch, you sit him down. And then a glass of water is being pushed between his palms.

“Drink it.”

“Y/N-” he cries. 

“I'm going nowhere. I'm here. Drink it please.” You rub circles on his back. He calms a little, drinks the water and then looks at you again. 

“Please don't break up with me. Please give me a chance.” 

Your eyes water as you finally look at him, “okay.” You nod. 

He places the glass on the table, peels the cap and mask from his face and whispers slowly, “are you forgiving me?” 

You smile through tears, “yeah.” 

“Can I hug you now?” 

“Yes.” 

He closes the distance between you and his body and hugs you tightly. You hug him back. 

Hoseok is finally back home. 

Week 4 

“Hoseok… please… not now” you whine. But your boyfriend is made of stubborn bones. He pushes himself more on you. His tongue drags a strip from your ear to your throat. He nibs on the delicate skin of your neck. 

“Don't mark me! We're at work!” You warn, but he still places his teeth sharply, painting bruises right at a spot where anyone can see it. 

“Hoseok-” he doesn't say a word, but shuts you off with his lips on yours. He kisses you hungrily. One of his hands sneaks through your t-shirt, pulls your bra-cup down and starts palming your breast. Another of his hands travels south, unbuttons your jeans and plunges inside your panty. 

You moan his name. 

“Yes, baby. You're mine. Never letting you go ever again.” he says in between the kiss. 

You love how he has become the clingy one now. Three weeks of silent treatment and Hoseok can't let you out his eyesight. 

Sometimes quarrels, distance, silence and space strengthen a relationship more than constant association can. 

Two negatives make a positive after all.

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The young ladies, former friends of yours, avoid your gaze and whisper among themselves. Once upon a time, you dominated the social circles of the capital, but a fall from grace led to your exile from the elite circle. And now that you're back, you're greeted with suspicion and ridicule. You're used to it though and so you hold your head high.

"Well, I heard that..." Another lady lowers her voice, and you don't care to hear what else she has to say. You down the rest of your drink and set the glass on the table. You should've never come to the ball.

One would think that being the eldest daughter of a marquisate family would come with certain privileges and protection, but your family was always a target of political maneuvering. Life was nice and simple but when your mother passed away from an accident, everything changed in a blink of an eye. Your father remarried, to a baron's daughter no less, and at first she was sweet and kind to you and your older brother Hyunwoo, but that didn't last.

When your stepmother, Lady Ji, gave your father a son and a daughter, her priorities shifted. You and Hyunwoo became obstacles in her path to securing her son's inheritance and her daughter's marriage, so she spared no opportunity to make your lives miserable. When a political opportunity presented itself, she wasted no time in sending you and your older brother off to the North, under the pretense that you'd both be safe from the growing unrest in your father's territory. It was a lie, of course, and it was only by some miracle that you both managed to survive.

The guards that were escorting you to the North were paid to kill you, but luckily, you and your brother managed to escape them and seek refuge in the Xu Duchy. Despite the former Grand Duke Xu Liwen being a political rival of your father, he still took you two in and helped you rebuild your lives. Life in the North was no easy feat, especially with the monsters that lurked in the darkness, but with the help of the Xu Family, you both were able to settle in and start anew.

"Bored?" Hyunwoo, the most important person in your life, asks as he stands by you.

You glance at him and smile. "Very," you reply. "They're still the same people they were a few years ago."

Hyunwoo laughs. "Things haven't changed in the past ten years have they? Still as boring as they were when we left." He takes a sip of wine. "Ah, exiled."

You grin, remembering the days when you and your brother were sent to the North. "Who would have thought we'd be the only ones who survived that journey? And yet here we are, back home, in the capital and the palace," you pause and take a sip of your wine, "It's been years and ever since we thwarted stepmother's plans, our family is already trying to sell me off to a low ranking noble or a merchant."

"Stepmother is trying to use my connections with the grand duke to make her son and daughter's status in the court stronger," Hyunwoo says, a dark expression in his eyes.

You're aware of Lady Ji's schemes. Her son and daughter are both vying to marry into powerful political families and your father is more than willing to oblige her. Your stepmother wants to marry you off to a lesser noble or an old rich merchant so you won't interfere with her daughter's marriage prospects to a higher nobleman. She says you'll be lucky if someone marries you since you're no longer young. You're nearing your thirties and any nobleman would be too embarrassed to marry a woman who isn't even in her prime. You don't even care if you get married or not, but you're not going to let your stepmother decide your future for you.

"I'm so tired of this. Ten years of helping protect the northern borders and yet we're still treated like nobodies by our own family," you say as you stare at the dancers. "Do they think we'll accept this treatment forever?"

You finish your wine and put it on a passing server's tray. You notice that the ladies are looking your way, their fans hiding the bottom halves of their faces. Some have the nerve to look amused, smirking behind their fans. You see your half-sister in a corner with some ladies, eyeing you from top to bottom. You want to roll your eyes at the absurdity of everything.

You're used to the stares and the rumors. They always say that women with 'difficult' personalities are either crazy or possessed, or cursed by a demon. But what is your difficult personality anyway? Being headstrong and firm? Becoming one of Grand Duke Xu's high ranking mages? Or because you had the gall to walk around the imperial ball in such a scandalous dress?

"Let them talk," Hyunwoo smiles as he hands you a plate of food. "You don't have to care what they say about you."

You smile and take a bite of the food. "I know, but it's still annoying. And the more they mock and annoy me, the more I want to set something on fire."

"You and your arsonist ways," he laughs and clinks his glass against yours.

"I wonder who the Crown Prince will choose as his bride this year," one of the ladies whispers loudly. "Ever since the Splendor Princess, I mean Duchess Choi, left the Crown Prince at the altar for Duke Choi, he hasn't chosen any bride. I think he's scared of being left at the altar again. Imagine being left by the bride! What a shame."

"You weren't there at the wedding," another says. "The Crown Prince stepped down so that the Duke and the Duchess could get married. He even gave them his blessing."

"He's so nice, isn't he? Whoever becomes his Crown Princess will be lucky. I would marry him in a heartbeat," the first lady gushes as she looks at the Crown Prince with adoration.

Crown Prince Seokmin is standing next to his brother, King Jeonghan, as they converse with Duke Choi and his wife, Duchess Choi. He's dressed in a royal blue robe with silver accents and a silver crown adorns his head. He looks regal and handsome, and the women can't help but stare at him. You try not to roll your eyes.

"You're right. He is nice," another lady says, her eyes filled with longing. "He's so handsome and charming. I'd do anything to be his bride."

"Would you really marry the Crown Prince if you had the chance?" the second lady asks, her voice full of curiosity. "Even if he's to be betrothed to her?" She nods her head in your direction, her lips curling into a mocking grin.

"You mean the rumors are true? That he'll marry her?"

"I heard from my maid who heard from her cousin who's a handmaid at the palace, that the Crown Prince is set to marry the Marquis's eldest daughter this year. Can you imagine? The most eligible bachelor in the kingdom marrying a woman who's been exiled to the North for so long? She must have bewitched him somehow."

"Lady Heejoo must be beside herself. She must be feeling awful to hear that her eldest sister is marrying the crown prince."

The other women nod in agreement, their expressions a mix of disgust and envy.

"So there are these kinds of rumors," you shrug, feeling the stares directed your way. "Heejoo must be soooo mad that her dear sister is marrying the crown prince and becoming crown princess." You ignore them and turn to Hyunwoo. "Oh boohoo."

"It's not like the rumors are true though," Hyunwoo points out as he pops a piece of meat into his mouth. "You've never got along with the Crown Prince ever since we were young. You're still holding a grudge, huh?"

"He was the one who called me mean in front of all the other noble children," you huff.

"You were six years old," he points out. "You bit the son of Count Yoo's hand because he put worms in your shoe. You even broke his toe as you stomped on it, then ran away laughing. It's no wonder people call you a villain and a lunatic."

"But you have to admit that my personality isn't suited for being the Crown Princess of the kingdom. I'd be a terrible one," you roll your eyes.

"You would be a terrible one," Hyunwoo laughs. "But our family is one of the most powerful families after the Choi Dukedom and the Boo Marquisate. Because you and I are representatives of Grand Duke Xu, the position of Crown Princess is expected to fall on you since you're the most eligible among the ladies."

Your eyebrow twitches. "I will kill whoever decided that I should be married off to the Crown Prince." You scowl. "Should I just marry him? Just to see Heejoo cry?"

The Royal Family has a reputation for being hard to please and difficult to wed into, so for one to actually be chosen is considered a high honor and the woman the recipient of their favor must be perfect and irreproachable. Duchess Choi, second princess of the Splendor Kingdom, was originally betrothed to the Crown Prince but in the end married Duke Choi Seungcheol instead. The Crown Prince, who was gracious and selfless, did not make a big issue of it. Instead of reprimanding the duchess or demanding punishment, he stepped aside and wished her good luck. That act of benevolence made him extremely popular with the public and people hailed him as a noble prince indeed.

And so rumor circulated in the court that he will soon marry again to make up for the Duchess Choi fiasco and produce a successor to the throne. All eligible daughters have their mothers and fathers eyeing the chance of marrying them into the royal family and getting a chance to be queen one day.

Your stepmother is no different. She'll do everything in her power to secure her daughter's chances to become the crown princess. She would do anything, even force you into an engagement against your will to someone far beneath your status and worth. You and Hyunwoo are no strangers to her manipulation tactics and the two of you always manage to weasel yourselves out of any schemes she cooks up.

"Sister," a sickenly sweet voice interrupts your thoughts. Your mouth contorts into a frown. You'd recognize this voice anywhere. The honey laced venom in it tells you immediately whom it is without you even looking. Heejoo, your younger half-sister, saunters over, with her own group of so-called friends.

"Brother," another voice calls out. It's your younger half-brother, Heecheon, who stands to Heejoo's right.

Though it's been six months since you've returned to the capital, you and Hyunwoo were staying at Grand Duke Xu's palace instead of your family home. You refused to stay under the same roof as the family that left you and your oldest brother for dead and would rather stay at the ducal palace with the family that treated you like their own. They were far happier and loving than your birth family that abandoned you after your mother died. They raised you and your brother with care and love, teaching you how to stand on your own. You owe them your life, and you refuse to return home to people who betrayed you.

It doesn't stop your stepmother from sending you countless invitations or throwing tea parties for the nobility and demanding your presence just so she can set up blind dates or so called 'accidental' meetings, but you're adamant about avoiding her matchmaking schemes.

"Ah, Heecheon and Heejoo," Hyunwoo says, and you can sense the sarcasm in his voice. "It's been a while. You've both grown quite a bit since we last saw each other."

"We've missed you so much," Heejoo says with a smile, but you know that it's fake. Heejoo hates you both and never made an effort to hide her dislike for you. "You must be happy to be back in the capital. I can't imagine how harsh the North is."

You rolled your eyes. Heejoo is a great actress, you give her that.

"The North must have been so difficult for you two," Heecheon says with a sympathetic smile. "I heard that the North is home to all sorts of beasts and monsters."

"You must come home though," Heejoo latches onto your arm. "You must have been so lonely without female friends, sister. If you had friends, I'm sure you wouldn't have come to the ball in your current state." Heejoo's eyes roam your body and her brows furrow. "I can have a few dresses made for you since you're back home."

You can feel the anger bubbling up inside you and for a moment you want to say something but you hold it in. You're no longer a child and you won't allow these two to rile you up. Instead, you smile and say, "That's kind of you, sister, but I'm quite capable of buying dresses for myself."

Heecheon laughs. "Sure, sure. But we must keep up appearances, sister. You and our eldest brother wouldn't want to embarrass the family, would you? Your taste in dresses is quite… eccentric."

Eccentric, is it? You're wearing one of the capital's most famous designer's creations. Your dress is a beautiful masterpiece. The dress itself is a deep blood red, with a slit that reaches your thigh. Your shoulders are bare, save for the intricate lace that covers them, and your chest is covered with the same lace, which forms a V, leaving your neck and collarbones visible.

When you were dress shopping, everyone steered clear of this dress, deeming it too scandalous and vulgar, but you saw the beauty in it. The designer said it was a masterpiece that no one wanted to buy. He offered it for free when you inquired about it, but you paid him and even offered him the position to be your permanent designer. Needless to say, the man was moved to tears and accepted your offer without hesitation. Now, he and his wife have joined the Xu Duchy household staff and your closet is full of stunning dresses and pieces.

You look down at your attire. "Is it eccentric?"

Heejoo smiles and you know she's hiding a nasty remark. "Yes, we wouldn't want anyone to think that father and mother don't have a handle on their children, would we? You wouldn't want to give the impression that our family has fallen from grace."

Oh, you hate her. If only you can burn her into ashes right this moment.

"I daresay I prefer a more form-fitting fashion compared to the big bows and frills that you and the other young ladies favor nowadays," you gesture at her dress, which is bright orange with flowers embroidered into it.

Her puffy sleeves, which have little ribbons on them, complete the frilly look. The bows on her puffy skirt add more to her childish look and the huge ribbon on her hip and the matching bows at the top of her head, make her look more like a decoration on her dress rather than a young woman.

"This is the current style!" Heejoo looks indignant. "As if you know more about style than me. The women in the Xu Grand Duchy might find that dress attractive and edgy, but here it is just vulgar."

"Vulgar?" you ask with a smirk, then you take a sip of your wine, ignoring your step-siblings. "I'll tell my personal designer that he has done a fantastic job then."

"Ah, it looks like the Son siblings are here and being reunited. It warms my heart to see such a happy family." You glance at the speaker, and you see the Crown Prince approaching your group, dressed in his finest clothes.

Seokmin's presence is always felt wherever he goes. He is a striking man with features that could easily rival those of a god. His face is a perfect blend of sharp and soft, with high cheekbones, a straight nose, and full lips. His eyes are a deep brown, framed by thick, dark lashes. His hair is jet black and always perfectly coiffed. His body is tall and lean, with broad shoulders and a narrow waist, and he moves with a grace that is both elegant and masculine. He has a strong jawline and a faint smile that can disarm anyone. He is the picture of perfection and grace, and yet, he has a certain quality to him that makes you think he is hiding something.

"Oh, your highness! It is us who are honored," Heejoo gushes, giving her best simpering smile. Her smile is not missed by the ladies who watch her every move. You wanted to hurl.

"May the moon and stars embrace us with your light," you and Hyunwoo greeted, hand over your heart as you bowed and curtsied. Your half-siblings gave you an incredilous look at your greeting but kept their mouths shut when they noticed King Jeonghan nodding his head at you, impressed.

"I'm happy to see the Son siblings together again," he smiles. "Though you all resemble each other, your personalities are far too different. Your father must have had such a hard time raising you."

Your half-siblings stiffen at this, clearly insulted at the insinuation. You and Hyunwoo say nothing, the slight smile not leaving your face as you let the King talk.

"But what do I know?" he says, lifting his palms upward. "I haven't seen Sir Hyunwoo and Dame Y/N in quite some time."

The Son siblings were all different to say the least. Hyunwoo, the eldest Son sibling, was supposed to be the heir apparent to the marquisate but it changed when there was news that you and he had died. Hyunwoo, handsome and strong, is known as a fearsome knight in the Grand Duke's army. He is respected by all, even by those who declared him as a rival. You, the second eldest of the four, a beautiful and talented young lady, could have married a northern nobleman but instead became a mage for the Grand Duke's army upon learning that you wield magic that could rival Grand Mage Junhui and his apprentices.

After you and Hyunwoo were sent away and presumed dead, Heecheon became the heir to the marquisate. Heecheon is a handsome young man, but he lacks the strength and presence of Hyunwoo. He's charming, witty, and has many friends in high society, but he's also known for his love of parties and games of chance, which sometimes gets him into trouble. Heejoo, the youngest, is the opposite of you. She's pretty and she knows it. She's also charming, witty and has a knack for making people feel at ease, but she can also be quite manipulative and calculating. She's well aware of her beauty and how to use it to her advantage, and she's not above using her charms to get what she wants.

Seokmin smiles, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "I was told that Lord Heecheon and Lady Heejoo were going to be in attendance, but I didn't expect to see Sir Hyunwoo and Dame Y/N."

"It's been about ten years, hasn't it? We had all assumed the worst," the King Jeonghan says. "But to learn that you two were actually alive was a relief. The both of you are a sight to behold."

"Your Majesty flatters us far too much," Hyunwoo gives an amicable smile.

"Your Majesty is too generous," you chime in.

Your half-siblings don't want to be outshoned by the two of you, so they quickly come up with a retort to regain the spotlight, "His Majesty is gracious to us all," Heejoo says politely, "We should count our blessings and rejoice."

The other girls let out an "awww", cooing at her politeness and innocence, while some are filled with envy that she was able to speak to the Crown Prince. You stifle a laugh, but the amused smile doesn't leave your face. The petty, cunning side of your personality finds your sister's efforts to please the royal family hilarious, especially since Heejoo is far from innocent or polite.

"Your Majesty! Your Highness!" The rushing steps of your father and stepmother catch your attention. "We apologize for arriving late," your father continues. He quickly bows to the two royals while your stepmother curtsies behind him. She barely spares you a glance. "We sent the children ahead of us since the wheel to our carriage broke. Thankfully, everything is all set and in working order."

"Nothing to worry, Marquess Son. Your children did a great job filling in for you," King Jeonghan waves off. He smiles at Heejoo and Heecheon. "Lady Heejoo and Lord Heecheon, thank you for your greetings earlier."

The two of them bow their heads slightly, acknowledging the King and Crown Prince's comments. "Of course, Your Majesty," Heejoo speaks first, her words sweet and gentle, just as expected of a demure lady. "We're happy to be of service. It's all part of our duties as a citizen of the kingdom."

You raise an eyebrow and do your best not to laugh at her sycophantic tone. "Its the least you can do when you're not the ones defending the northern borders," you retort. The venom in your words surprises the others in your group and causes them to turn to you in shock.

"Who–" your stepmother's question dies on her lips when you turn your gaze to her, a glint in your eye as she stiffens under the intensity. "Y/N! Hyunwoo! My dear children, I haven't seen you both for the longest time! It's a shame that you're staying at the Grand Duke's palace instead of back home. You really should make more visits so I could spend more time with my children."

"We're not here for leisure, stepmother," Hyunwoo replies evenly. "We are here as representatives of the Grand Duke's palace."

Your father scowls at Hyunwoo's words but smiles apologetically to King Jeonghan. "Forgive my eldest's rudeness, Your Majesty, Your Highness."

"It's alright, sir. The past couple of years have been difficult for all of us. I understand," King Jeonghan nods. He regards your group for a moment before clearing his throat. "What is the situation at the Northern Borders, Sir Hyunwoo and Dame Y/N? I hope all is well?" he asks.

The abruptness of the question startles everyone in the group. No one is sure what the topic is or what it means, except for you, Hyunwoo, and the royal family.

Hyunwoo is about to answer, when your stepmother interjects. "Y/N would be useless in discussing anything related to the borders, Your Majesty. I'm sure my eldest daughter was raised in the Grand Duke's palace and was most likely busy with the softer ar–"

"Life was faring well up until the goblin uprising last year," you interrupted, choosing not to give her the time of day. You refuse to let her dismiss your hardwork and abilities. Not when you've done so much for the northern borders and Grand Duke's family. "But that was taken care of. With the help of the Hero Mingyu and his Diamond Mercenaries, we were able to repel the goblin assault."

"Grand Mage Junhui and the tower mages are collaborating with his grace, the Grand Duke, to come up with new defensive spells and new methods to deal with future goblin and monster assaults," Hyunwoo takes over and adds. "Everything is running smoothly for the moment, hence why my sister and I are in attendance tonight."

"I'm relieved to hear it. You have my thanks for all you have done to protect the empire," King Jeonghan compliments.

Your father is beaming with such arrogance that you wanted to wipe it off his face. "Your Majesty, thank you so much for allowing my children to serve the empire. If you could pass on a recommendation letter for Heecheon to join the–"

"Both Dame Y/N and Sir Hyunwoo possess amazing talent for magic and knighthood, Marquis. You should be proud of their success," King Jeonghan replies simply and starts moving through the ballroom. "Sir Hyunwoo and Dame Y/N, I expect a visit in the morning to further discuss our plans for the Northern Borders." With that, King Jeonghan moves on, the Crown Prince and members of his entourage trailing behind him.

The second they're out of range, Heejoo is throwing glares, while Heecheon scowls in silence, feeling inferior, embarrassed, and humiliated.

Your father's expression darkens. He turns to you and Hyunwoo with contempt, voice low enough for only the two of you to hear. "You will come to the estate after your audience with the king. We have much to discuss."

Your stepmother hums in agreement, her smile sending chills down your spine. You knew that nothing good would come of a meeting like that.

Seokmin knows not to get involved in anything that Dame Y/N does and knows to keep his nose where it belongs.

Ever since they were children, Y/N never allowed him or anyone else to dictate her behavior or make her follow any sort of rules or etiquette. She did as she pleased and made her own choices without anyone having an influence on her.

He watched her defy her teachers, her instructors, and her father on many occasions. She spoke her mind and would not stand for others trying to dictate who she would be or what she was to accomplish.

She was a mean little girl as a child, a demon spawn to everyone, except her older brother, Hyunwoo. So even when they grew older and had their own groups of friends and went their own ways, he avoided her, like everyone else.

As she grew older, she dominated the social scene. Her beauty is enchanting, and her manners are impeccable despite having such an ugly personality. She has a natural charisma, a way of drawing everyone's attention to her, and her tongue can be sharp or smooth as it suits her needs.

Yet, none of these can take away the fact that she is cold, harsh, and unforgiving.

Seokmin could understand why she lashed out like she did. At a young age, she had to learn to defend herself as she had no other options left. Her mother had passed on when they were younger, leaving her and Hyunwoo in the care of their cold and unloving father and the marquises' new family.

Life must not have been easy for the two Son siblings. Casted out from the marquisate as soon as they reach adulthood under the pretense that their family territory wasn't safe enough for the two and then ambushed by their own guards by the order of their stepmother, it's no wonder that she's resentful and angry.

And yet, she turned that resent and anger into her greatest strength and channeled it in ways no one could. From becoming a respected lady of society to rising in the ranks of magic and becoming one of the most powerful mage under the Grand Duke's order, she surprised many, especially the nobility that always took her and her brother for dead.

Seokmin supposes there is something admirable about her. Her feistiness, determination, and grit are things he respects.

"What are you thinking about?" His brother, King Jeonghan, appears by his side, snapping him out of his reverie. "Aren't you tired of watching people dance?"

"Just reminiscing of childhood days," Seokmin tells him with an easy smile. He takes another sip of his wine, keeping his eyes trained on a familiar red dress.

"Oh. Of young Y/N and Hyunwoo?" Jeonghan asked with a smile. "I'm just as awed that the demon spawn we knew her as children transformed into one of the greatest talents this country has produced."

"It must be a Son family thing then?" he quips.

Jeonghan raises his eyebrow and sighs. "Well those two didn't get their father's qualities. They must have gotten everything from the late Marchioness."

He turns to his brother, interest peaking at the mention of your late mother. "You've met her before?"

"Oh yes," Jeonghan nods. "The late Marchioness was one of the kingdom's greatest knights. She was the Knight Commander of the Rose-Quartz Knights. I would have loved the two Son siblings to join either the Serenity Knights or the Rose Quartz Knights but their father and that evil wife of his pulled strings."

Seokmin clicked his tongue. That's a real shame. He could only imagine how effective the two Son siblings could have been if they served the crown as knights. But of course, fate isn't fair and destiny doesn't work in their favor.

"I know you don't want to marry her. That she's the furthest thing in the world to be a princess," Jeonghan whispers and his eyebrows are pinched in the way it usually is when he's in deep thought. "But out of all the women here, Dame Y/N might be the best choice."

"Why is that?” Seokmin tries not to scoff, he truly tries.

Jeonghan looks at the two eldest Son siblings, both ignoring the looks on their half-siblings faces. “They hold more power than we imagine. They're Minghao's maternal cousins. We need to get the support of the northern nobles. Dame Y/N was the one who was responsible for the defense of the northern border, and is one of the many nobles and knights who keep the goblins at bay. We need ties to the Son Marquisate and their influence.”

“Then would it not make sense to marry Lady Heejoo since the marquis clearly dotes on her?” Seokmin asks.

Jeonghan glances at the group of angry siblings then at the marquise who's on the opposite side of the ballroom, obviously fuming. Jeonghan watches intently, a soft and amused smile curling on his lips. It disappears and a slight frown replaces it. "It would make the most logical sense. But Lady Heejoo won’t give you the military and financial resources we need even if she has the backing of her own father. Marrying her means dealing with a family that will bleed us dry. At least the elder two Son siblings will work for the sake of the nation because they don't care for material pleasures."

He's right of course, as the eldest and legitimate prince, Seokmin would need to take into consideration the benefit for his kingdom. It would have to benefit the crown. The biggest benefit in this would be the alliance to the Grand Duke, who controls the empire's northern defenses. And since the eldest two children of the marquis have worked their asses off to gain the trust and respect of the nobles in the north, making an alliance with them would make it a lot easier.

The idea of marriage shouldn't surprise him or cause this much dread and worry. He's radiant and adored as the Crown Prince. Yet, Seokmin feels like he's being used. He'd grown accustomed to it because everyone is blinded by his looks and rank, that no one sees the true him. That no one actually loves him for him.

Perhaps, he's looking too deeply into it and getting greedy, and it's not like him to think that way. As the future King of his land, it's his duty to take this step no matter how he truly feels. Even if there is no love in it, he just needs to look out for his people and his kingdom.

But somehow, that makes the decision that much harder.

"Are you still against it? Against marrying her?" Jeonghan asks.

"Is there a point in discussing it now?" he counters, already exhausted from this. His shoulders are slumping and his jaw clenched, unable to control the way his body reacts when he feels tired and irritated. "If your decision is final, why are we discussing it when the future of the kingdom depends on it?"

Jeonghan pauses. "I know you want to love the person you're marrying. That's how you are. But it's our duty as royals to look at the greater good." Jeonghan pats his brother's arm. "Who knows? Maybe you'll come to love each other. Maybe things will turn out better than you'd imagine."

"Our cousin just sent us a new missive," Hyunwoo announces once he meets you in his temporary quarters in the Grand Ducal palace. "He wants us to return home soon since he's tired of dealing with the tower mages on his own."

"Minghao is always whining," you retort. Your lips quirk upwards, unable to hide your amusement. "For being a Grand Duke, you'd think he could handle a few tower mages."

It's not common knowledge that you and Hyunwoo are maternal cousins to the Grand Duke. Only the northern territories and the royal family knew that your mother had a younger sister who married the former Grand Duke, Xu Liwen, and that union gave birth to his heir, the present Grand Duke Xu Minghao. You and Hyunwoo didn't know about this until the former Grand Duke rescued you and Hyunwoo 10 years ago. As soon as you were ushered into the drawing room, a woman who resembled your mother was staring at the both of you, tears in her eyes.

That day, you cried harder than when you did after your mother had passed away. This woman, your aunt, was your last link to your mother and to her family. Your aunt was kind and loving towards you and Hyunwoo, introducing the both of you to your cousin, Minghao, who looked at the two of you as a kind of second set of siblings.

Your aunt and your uncle became second parents to the two of you, guiding and molding you to become the strong people you were. They nurtured you like one of their own children despite the harshness your father and stepmother subjected on the two of you. They made it clear that they wanted nothing to do with the Marquis and his second wife, and gave everything you and Hyunwoo deserve. Your mother would have been proud of the way her sister stepped up to provide you and Hyunwoo with a family of sorts.

Even now, they are helping you, even as far away as they are. Ever since your uncle and aunt retired from their political duties as the former Grand Duke and Duchess, Minghao took over, and thus, is busy managing the North Territories while he was forced to sit through various meetings and spend his time mediating with his advisors. You and Hyunwoo vowed to help your cousin and offered to help run his duchy. With that offer, the two of you have been traveling the entire North on behalf of Minghao, commanding armies, giving orders, and getting your hands dirty. The hardships and battles did a great deal in getting you where you were, but, because of it, the three of you became much closer than any normal family would have been.

"Leave the poor man alone," Hyunwoo scolded light-heartedly, picking up the papers from the desk and handing them to you, "Reports from the magic tower."

You hummed. You shuffled through the paper, eyeing the words carefully as you read every single report, then laid them on the bed next to you. "I take it they've all agreed to the proposition for creating a new magic barrier, or are we still in the process of finalizing everything?" you asked, grabbing the glass of wine beside the pile of paper, bringing it to your lips.

"They've agreed. We only need the cooperation of the northern lords to gather all the necessary materials," Hyunwoo replies. He drops himself next to you on the bed, sighing as he rests. "As long as father and the other nobles here in the capital don't interfere, we should be fine."

"Easier said than done," you rolled your eyes and plop back down onto the mattress, lying on your stomach. "That father of ours will do anything to lift the family status, even if it means trampling on his own flesh and blood."

Hyunwoo's laugh is deep and amused. "Did you expect anything else?"

"At the very least I expected some family loyalty," you countered. You roll over to stare up at the ceiling and sigh. "But it's okay. It won't matter what they'll do. At the end of the day, the people of the northern territory are our family, not them."

A knock sounded from the doors and Hyunwoo bids to let them enter. "Apologies for disturbing your time," a familiar voice echoes in the room and you turn to see the aging butler entering the room, a smile on his kind and old face. "His Highness, the Crown Prince, is here to see the two of you."

"Ugh," you groan and drop an arm across your eyes. "Let him know that we'll be there and tell him not to dawdle. I have better things to do than talk about the weather." You wave a dismissive hand at the butler.

The butler bows and gives a knowing smile to your brother before he leaves. Hyunwoo shakes his head in amusement. "You are the only person I know who can get away with being rude to the Crown Prince."

"I'm not rude," you defended yourself. "I'm direct."

Hyunwoo snorts. "You are the rudest person in the kingdom, no matter what you say. If you weren't my little sister, I would have strangled you by now."

"That's a lie and you know it," you grin at him, and he gives a fond look back, ruffling your hair. "Don't be such a sap."

"Let's go meet with the Crown Prince. It wouldn't do to keep him waiting," Hyunwoo suggests, already making his way towards the door.

"Fine," you roll off the bed, dusting off your skirts.

You walk the halls of the Grand Ducal palace, nodding your thanks at the servants as they greet you and your brother. The servants are more than happy to welcome the two of you back, having grown fond of you during your visits.

The palace has a welcoming aura, unlike the frigid walls of your father's estate. There is life here, the servants are happy and well taken care of. The butler and head maid treat you with the utmost of respect as members of the Xu family, and they are the ones who have given you a place to call home no matter how far you are from the North.

As you approach the study, the butler is waiting and he nods, a kind smile on his face as he greets you. "His highness is already in the study with His Grace, the Grand Duke."

"Minghao is here? I thought he was still at the northern borders?" you asked.

"His Grace returned just moments ago and heard the Crown Prince was here. So he is entertaining him while waiting for you and Sir Hyunwoo," the butler explains.

"Thank you, Myungsoo," Hyunwoo nods. "Please have tea brought up, and some light snacks."

"As you wish, Sir Hyunwoo," the butler smiles and walks away.

The two of you make your way to the study and see that Minghao is laughing at something Seokmin said. The two of them are close friends and had a good relationship ever since they were children. It wasn't a surprise that the two of them would have a casual meeting like this.

"Ah, there they are," Minghao stands and welcomes you and Hyunwoo into the room. "My favorite cousins. You're finally here."

"We just got your letter," you said, walking into the room and giving him a hug. You pull back and smack his shoulder. "You should have told us that you were coming."

Minghao laughs. "And miss the looks on everyone's faces when I arrived? Of course not."

You scoff, rolling your eyes at your cousin's antics. You turned to Seokmin, nodding your head in his direction. "Your highness."

"No need for that, Y/N," Seokmin waves a dismissive hand, "I would have gone to your father as society dictates, but with the tensions between your father and the both of you, I decided against it."

"Oh, please," you rolled your eyes and walked towards the desk, pulling out a chair and sitting down, leaning back comfortably. "I'm sure my dear father would love to have you grace the halls of his estate. It's only a matter of time before he invites you for tea, or for a more intimate setting."

"Intimate setting?" Minghao asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Stepmother wants Heejoo to be married into the royal family and father wants Heecheon to join one of the knight orders," you look at the stack of papers on the desk and pick up a letter, scanning its contents.

"Ah, I see," Minghao nodded, a look of understanding appearing on his face. "I'm guessing Heejoo is the most agreeable candidate."

"Except the king doesn't want that, does he, your highness?" Hyunwoo asked, looking at the Crown Prince. "His majesty wants you to enter a marriage with Y/N, correct?"

"Unfortunately," Seokmin says, a pained expression on his face. "The kingdom is under a lot of stress. We're facing a lot of issues, and the people are starting to doubt the stability of the kingdom. A royal wedding would surely lift the spirits."

"But why me? I'm sure there are a dozen other women who would have gladly jumped at the chance to marry a prince," you raise an eyebrow.

"And you're not? You could have easily married into the highest noble houses, but you would rather be a mage than a noble lady," Seokmin points out. "You're not interested in a noble life or title."

"I'm not interested in playing house," you correct him, "I was ousted from high society when my stepmother entered the picture. I used to be the belle of society and now everyone thinks I'm a monster. What makes you think I want anything to do with it?"

Seokmin is quiet, a contemplative look on his face. Minghao steps in and asks, "What is marrying her entitled?"

"A stronger alliance between the Xu and the royal family," Seokmin answers immediately. "And to put a dent in whatever Marquis Son and his faction is plotting."

Minghao turns to look at you and Hyunwoo. He leans forward, propping his chin up on his fist. "Is there a possibility that the royal family would give aid and financial resources to the North, considering the state the northern territories are in right now?"

"You want me to marry him, don't you?" You narrowed your eyes at Minghao, a glare already forming on your face.

"It wouldn't be a bad idea," Hyunwoo muses, crossing his arms and leaning back on the seat.

"You too, Hyunwoo?" Your mouth hangs open, staring at your brother in disbelief. "Are you out of your mind?"

"If we marry you to the crown prince, then the crown would owe us," Hyunwoo reasons, turning to Seokmin. "Your highness, we need your help with the northern territories. It's a dangerous place and our people are dying because of the lack of resources and supplies. As a royal and the future king, you must be aware of the situation, correct?"

"Of course. The royal family is doing their best to help the northern territories," Seokmin says.

"And yet," you interject, "The royal family is too busy dealing with internal problems that they forget to pay attention to the needs of their people. You claim to help the northern territories and yet you haven't made any moves in the past five years."

"You're right. And we haven't done enough, and I'm truly sorry," Seokmin replies sincerely, "But also it's because your father and the other lords that we can't move. Your father, in particular, has been the biggest hurdle to helping the northern territories."

"Of course he has," you scoff. "I wouldn't expect anything less from that man."

"So," Minghao leaned forward, his elbows resting on his thighs. He clasped his hands together and looked directly at Seokmin, his eyes serious. "You can help us, right?"

"Yes," Seokmin says without missing a beat. "We'll work hard to help the northern territories. And in return, Y/N shall marry me."

"Then it's a deal," Minghao says with a smile.

You turn to your cousin. "Do you really want me to marry him that badly?"

"You'd rather stay single than marry him?" Minghao asks.

"Yes," you answered. "Why not?"

"Are you still holding a grudge against him for being mean to you when you were children?" Hyunwoo asks.

"He called me a meanie," you softly pout, crossing your arms across your chest.

"You are a meanie," Hyunwoo counters.

"You're supposed to be on my side, Hyunwoo!" You pout.

"I am," Hyunwoo chuckles, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he ruffles your hair. "Please just marry him, Y/N. Don't you want Heejoo to bow at your feet and grovel?"

"Now that you mentioned it, yes, I would like to see her grovel," you replied, your mood shifting to a happier one. "Fine, I'll marry the prince. But you better be prepared, your highness, I'm not a sweet princess, so don't expect a fairytale marriage."

"That's perfectly fine," Seokmin replies.

"My wedding dress better not have frills and bows," you stare at him.

"I'll discuss it with your personal designer if that eases your mind," he nods.

"And don't be a pain in the ass. I don't have the patience to deal with that."

"I won't," he laughs. "You can treat me however you'd like."

"Really? That's quite interesting, your highness," you lean forward, a glint in your eyes. "I think I'll enjoy being your future wife."

"Goddess, please help me..."

"Do you know what you have done?!"

Your father is beyond furious, his face red, veins bulging. You rolled your eyes as Lady Ji is consoling a wailing Heejoo, patting her daughter's back. Heecheon is standing next to the two, his hand clenching into a tight fist, and he looks as though he's about to lunge and punch you.

"Oh, please. Stop acting like this is the end of the world," you sighed. "You should be happy that your eldest daughter is getting married to the crown prince. Isn't that what you've wanted all along?"

"Heejoo should have been the one marrying him, not you!" Your stepmother screeches.

"And yet, I'm the one the prince has chosen," you say with a smile, tilting your head, your voice sickly sweet. "Isn't that right, your highness?"

Seokmin huffs before nodding his head, his hand holding onto yours. "Yes, it is."

After discussing your meeting with Minghao and Seokmin a few nights ago, you thought it would be a good idea for him to come meet with your family and announce the engagement himself. You wanted him to witness the full extent of your family's true nature, and he had the pleasure of seeing first hand how they all treated you.

"You can't possibly be serious, your highness," Heejoo's cries subside as she speaks up, wiping away her tears. "Y/N can't be your wife."

"And why not?" you counter, crossing your arms over your chest, staring at the group of people. You notice Minghao and Hyunwoo strolling into the room, making their way towards where you and Seokmin are sitting.

"Because you're an embarrassment," Heecheon answers without missing a beat. "What man would want a brazen woman like you? One who has no manners and no sense of propriety."

"Heecheon," your father warns.

"What? It's true, Father. She's an embarrassment. Who would want her? She's been cast aside by high society, and no man in their right mind would want her," Heecheon spat.

"Are you saying his highness is not in his right mind?" Hyunwoo challenges, raising an eyebrow.

"What–no! I didn't mean–"

"It's okay, Sir Hyunwoo, I understand where he is coming from," Seokmin intervens, raising his hand to stop Hyunwoo. "But please rest assured, I am completely sane and I want nothing else but to marry your sister."

"Then I ask, your highness, why her?" Heecheon asks.

"Why not?" Minghao counters. "If the Crown Prince chose her, then it is not for us to question. He has a reason, and if that's not good enough for you, then that's on you."

"Pardon, Your Grace," Lady Ji looks at Minghao, "But this is a family matter. This does not concern the North."

"Doesn't it? If I recall, both Hyunwoo and Y/N are my family members. Am I wrong here, Hyunwoo?" Minghao asks, looking at your brother.

"No, your grace," Hyunwoo shakes his head, smiling. "You're not wrong."

"Lady Ji, you say it's a family matter and that it does not concern me but both Hyunwoo and Y/N are my maternal cousins. They're family and therefore, this concerns me, the Grand Duke," Minghao smiled at the stunned look on Lady Ji's face. "Did you not know?"

"There's...there's no way." Lady Ji shakes her head.

"But it's the truth. The three of us are related through blood. Which means I can interfere with matters concerning them," Minghao says.

"This is ridiculous!" Heecheon shouts. "He can't just barge in here and take over!"

"Watch your tongue, Heecheon," you say sharply, glaring at him. "Show some respect to the Grand Duke or it'll be your head."

"Y/N is correct. You should show more respect, Heecheon," your father heaves a sigh. "I apologize for my wife and children, your grace. Your highness. But I hope you can understand where we are coming from. Heejoo is my daughter and I would like her to marry well."

"So you're saying that Dame Y/N isn't your daughter?" Seokmin scoffs. "Unbelievable."

"Of course she's my daughter," your father starts but is cut off when Seokmin raises a hand.

"But you seem to treat her as if she's not," Seokmin raises an eyebrow.

"Your highness, surely you've heard the rumors," your stepmother cuts in, stepping forward. "Y/N isn't well-liked by others and the people call her a villainess. I'm sure you can understand why."

"A villainess," Seokmin repeats, testing the words out. "Interesting. A villainess, huh?"

"I'm glad you agree, your highness. My daughter, Heejoo, would have made a far better wife than Y/N. She is very obedient and a proper lady. She will run your household well and would bring prestige to the royal family," Lady Ji lists off.

"And what does Dame Y/N lack that would make her unsuitable?" Seokmin asks. "Would she not bring prestige to the royal family? She is an accomplished mage and is one of the military officers of the Grand Duke's army. She has been a big help in protecting the empire."

"Well, that is–"

"I don't see a problem in wanting to marry a woman who loves her kingdom and would sacrifice her life to protect it," Seokmin continues, cutting off whatever excuse your stepmother has. "Dame Y/N is well versed in the affairs of the empire and can hold her own."

"Thank you, your highness," you nod, smiling at him.

"I don't know how the rumor about her being a villainess came to be, but I have never met a more loyal woman," Seokmin praises.

You look over at him and notice him looking back at you. Was he actually praising you or was it just something to look good in front of your family?

"The Crown Prince is correct. She is a loyal woman," Minghao nods. "And she will make a fine wife."

"But–"

"Enough!" your father's booming voice startles everyone. "If the Crown Prince wants to marry Y/N, then he may."

"Father," Heejoo whines, her eyes starting to fill with tears. "Father, please. It's not fair. Why does Y/N get to be happy when I can't?"

"It is what it is, Heejoo," your father sighs. "We should celebrate the good news. Your sister is getting married to the Crown Prince."

"Father–" Heejoo starts.

"This discussion is over, Heejoo," he cuts her off, his voice firm and cold. "If the Crown Prince wants to marry your sister, then let him. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."

Your father turns and leaves the room, slamming the doors behind him. Your stepmother and Heecheon turn and glare at you before leaving, a sniffling Heejoo following close behind.

"Well, that was eventful," Minghao muses, looking at you and Hyunwoo.

"Welcome to my family, your highness," you joke.

Seokmin shook his head. "That's not how I imagined things to go. You didn't tell me your family was like this."

You shrug. "Would it have changed anything?"

"No."

"That's what I thought."

Hyunwoo shakes his head at your attitude. "Don't be a brat, Y/N."

"I can't help it," you reply. "They're too easy to annoy."

Minghao snorts. "And that's why the nobility think you're a villainess."

"Please," you scoff, rolling your eyes, "As if I care what they think about me."

"Maybe you should," Seokmin comments.

"Why? They have made up their minds about me," you shrug. "The common folk love me, and the soldiers admire me. And I have the Grand Duke's support, so who cares about high society? I don't."

"I can't believe I'm marrying someone like you," Seokmin sighs.

"Oh you'll be fine," you tease. "Who knows? We might even end up being happy."

"Or miserable."

"Now that's the spirit."

The royal wedding was a huge affair. Everyone wanted to be there and it was a grand celebration. There were thousands of flowers, expensive fabrics, and music that would make the goddess cry.

You would have loved to have skipped the whole thing, but unfortunately, you were the bride and that meant you were going to have to stand in front of all these people and get married.

"I hate this," you sigh, tugging at the lace sleeves of your wedding dress.

"Hate what?" Hyunwoo asks, fixing his collar.

"All of this," you gesture towards the room. "All of the pomp and pageantry. I didn't even want a big wedding."

"But we have to do it," Hyunwoo replies, fixing his jacket. "For appearances sake."

"Ugh," you groan. "I know. Still doesn't mean I have to like it."

"You'll be the crown princess soon," Hyunwoo reminds you. "Try to behave and don't be too much of a pain in the ass."

"No promises," you reply, walking away.

The wedding ceremony was held in the royal palace's grand hall and you were surprised to see the sheer number of people attending the ceremony. Nobles, mages, and soldiers lined the walls, watching as you made your way down the aisle, the long train of your wedding dress trailing behind you.

When you reached the end of the aisle, the priest started the ceremony, reciting the prayers and blessings. The next few moments went by in a blur and the next thing you knew, you were being crowned the Crown Princess and were being led back down the aisle, this time hand in hand with Seokmin.

As soon as the two of you reach the doors, Seokmin lets out a relieved sigh. He loosens his tie and removes his jacket, tossing it onto the nearby chair. "Well, that's done."

"What? Don't like weddings?" You tease, "Or don't like me?"

"I don't mind you or the wedding. It's the whole process of having to be the center of attention," he answers.

"The radiant and adored crown prince doesn't like being in the spotlight? I find that hard to believe," you say.

"I'm not radiant and adored," Seokmin rolls his eyes, "People love me because they think I'm the answer to all their problems."

You walk up to him, standing beside him. "You're right. They do use you."

"What about you? What do you want?" He looks down at you, studying your face.

"Me?" You tilt your head, humming in thought. "I want Heejoo to grovel."

"I'm serious," he furrows his eyebrows.

"So am I," you counter. "If I have the power to make Heejoo beg for mercy, then I'll use it."

"You don't want anything else?" Seokmin raises an eyebrow, curious.

"I don't," you answer honestly.

"Not even wealth? Title? Or power?"

"What for?" you scoff. "I'm already rich and a member of the Grand Duke's family. What more can I ask for? And the power I have as a military officer is enough for me."

"That's...quite refreshing," Seokmin admits, a hint of a smile on his lips. "I can't say that's what I was expecting."

You laugh and Seokmin can't help but like the way it sounds. "Oh? Do tell, your highness. What did you expect?"

"Someone who is just like the others, looking to gain something from this marriage," Seokmin mutters, looking out the window.

"People are complicated," you sigh as you approach him and fix his attire, "Even when they appear to be the epitome of kindness and grace, they still have hidden motives. When my mother passed away when I was ten and my father married Lady Ji, I thought things would be better. She was kind and caring the first few years but...after having Heecheon and Heejoo, her true colors showed."

Seokmin stays quiet, listening intently as he studies you.

"I lived eight years in the spotlight as the belle of society... just so I could get some sliver of affection from her. And all those years, I was just a nuisance, a burden. No matter how many achievements and accomplishments I made, it was never enough for her." You stepped away from him, taking a deep breath. "But then...when the Northern territories were at their worst, when we were facing war... I felt needed and appreciated. And I realized that I didn't need my father and his new family. I just wanted to help my people. I'm the happiest when the people are happy."

"You're nothing like people say," Seokmin mutters, a small smile on his face.

"Oh no. I am. I am a meanie," you chuckle. "I'm just a little nicer and softer on the inside than the outside."

Seokmin lets out a laugh and shakes his head. "You're definitely not what I expected."

"Good," you wink at him. "I'd rather not be like all the other women."

"Well, I'm glad," Seokmin hums. "Maybe this marriage won't be so bad."

"I can't promise I'll be the best wife, though."

"Why not?"

"Because," you lean forward and pat his cheek, a mischievous grin on your lips. "You're still the radiant and adored crown prince. And I'm the villainess married to the radiant and adored crown prince. The two of us together is the recipe for disaster."

Seokmin draws you close, his arm wrapping around your waist. "Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows?"

Married life with Seokmin wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. In fact, it was surprisingly pleasant. The two of you had fallen into a comfortable routine, one that you found yourself enjoying. He would handle the political meetings and you would deal with the northern territories' affairs. You were a team, a formidable one at that.

The only downside was the endless social obligations, which you despised. Seokmin found your disdain amusing, often teasing you about it. The two of you had developed an easy camaraderie, a friendship built on mutual respect and understanding. He never pushed for more, and for that, you were grateful. You were both content with the arrangement, at least for now.

You've shared kisses. Lingering glances and the brush of lips against skin. There have been stolen touches here and there. A playful squeeze of a thigh. Or the squeeze of an arm. But other than that, nothing had really progressed into more.

Sometimes, late at night when Seokmin was away for business or you were sleeping on your side, your dreams had become a little more vivid, a little more heated, your desires slipping through the cracks of your facade and escaping to the night. You yearn for his touch, your body aching with a deep hunger that you had yet to sate. And it was becoming harder to ignore the way your skin tingled whenever he brushed past, or the way your heart skipped a beat whenever he smiled at you.

What were these feelings and why did you feel this way towards Seokmin?

One day, you flop onto a chaise lounge in your shared sitting room, exhuasted from social obligations. "I swear, if one more simpering lady asks me about the floral arrangements for the upcoming summer ball, I'm going to magically set her fan on fire."

Seokmin looks up from the stack of reports he was reviewing, a genuine smile touching his lips. "And that, my dear wife, is why you are now in charge of all event planning. My apologies to the simpering ladies, but their suffering is a small price to pay for my peace of mind."

"I am not your event planner," you grumble, but without any real heat. "I do not… do… flower arrangements." The words were said with the same distaste one might use for 'chamberpot cleaning'. "I strategize battle formations and negotiate trade routes for vital resources. I do not care if the roses clash with the ladies' gowns."

"That's precisely why you're perfect for the job," he chuckles, setting his papers aside. "You will terrify them all into submitting their preferences on a single, concise scroll. You'll be the most efficient event planner in the kingdom's history. A terrifying, magnificent tyrant of tulle and table settings."

"Flattery will get you nowhere, husband," you shot back, though you couldn't suppress a smile at the image. "How I would love to talk to the visiting delegation from Inspirit instead. Their leader is a fascinating man, quite knowledgeable in ancient runes. I'd rather discuss magical theory than seating charts."

"Jeonghan can handle the diplomats. Besides," Seokmin leans forward, his expression shifting subtly from amused to serious, "I have another task for you. One that requires your particular… expertise."

Your interest was piqued. You sat up, swinging your legs over the side of the chaise. "Oh? Does it involve setting things on fire? Because I'm now highly motivated."

"No, no arson," he moves across the room, stopping in front of you. "What better way than to put your villainy to good use than bearing me a child?"

"You–" You start coughing. "What?"

He laughs. "I've been hounded by Jeonghan and the council about this. I can understand my brother wanting nieces and nephews in the palace but the council...ugh," he groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. "The old snobs won't give me a single moment of peace as they suggest that I take their daughters as concubines."

"How is this an expertise of mine?" you inquire.

"Well," Seokmin stands, taking your hand and pulling you up to him, his arms loosely encircling your waist. His scent of cardamom and fresh green tea fills the air around him, soothing you, "would it not be better for us to have children? Unless you want me to take in a concubine? Your father has been begging me to take Heejoo as one and–"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence," you glare at him. "The idea of Heejoo even touching you makes me want to run her over."

Seokmin presses a light kiss to the top of your head, the act surprisingly intimate and tender. "I assure you that there will be no mistresses or concubines," his lips brush against your hair as his fingers deftly play with the buttons at the small of your back.

"The last thing I want is a harem filled with your children," you huff.

His fingers slide under the silk, caressing the bare skin underneath. Your spine stiffens before relaxing, pressing into him, softening under the gentle touches. "Then what do you want?" He purrs, his breath warm and sweet against the shell of your ear. "I won't force you. If you truly don't wish to have children, I won't hold it against you."

"Truly?" You pull back to meet his gaze, your eyes searching for sincerity.

"Truly," his expression is somber, his gaze steady as he looks down at you, a stray strand of dark hair hanging in his eyes.

You reach up and gently tuck the strand behind his ear, studying his face. "You surprise me," you murmur.

"Surprises can be good," Seokmin brushes his thumb over your lower lip. Your pulse quickens, butterflies fluttering in your stomach as he stares intently. "May I surprise you, my villainess?"

"I…Yes..." It's just one kiss, you think, what harm could come from that? You wonder briefly if his lips are as soft and supple as they seem...if he tastes like green tea and lemon cakes, your favorite dessert.

Seokmin cradles the back of your head, bringing you closer, his mouth seeking yours. He claims you and you let him, opening up to him like a flower to the sun. Your senses fill with him and only him, with the sweetness of his taste and the dizzying heat of his touch, and in that moment, the two of you share something honest and precious.

"Just so you know..." you pull back slightly, breaking the kiss, your eyes fluttering open, "I've never done this before..." Your words come out soft, barely a whisper, your cheeks burning with embarrassment at the admission.

"Oh?" Seokmin cocks an eyebrow, his smile warm and gentle. "The most feared woman in the kingdom and yet the thing that scares her the most is this."

"Do you intend to mock me or simply make fun of me?" You narrow your eyes at him. "Because I can leave."

Seokmin laughs, picking you up and carrying you towards the bedroom. "Mock you? How? I don't think you could get any more perfect, my villainess." He lays you down, climbing over you, his expression soft. "To tell you the truth, I haven't shared my bed with anyone before."

You scoff, "As if anyone could resist you."

He leans in, trailing feather-light kisses across your forehead, down the slope of your nose, before placing the sweetest kiss against your lips. "Just like the sun, I may radiate warmth and beauty, but I'm always alone."

You study the expression on his face, looking for hints of dishonesty, but all you see is acceptance and...hope.

"People want my warmth and beauty but they never see me...for me," he confesses, his voice barely above a whisper, the sound thick with emotion, "They don't realize how lonely it can get being the center of attention." His fingers run along the skin of your cheek, soft and gentle. "You and I are alike in that way, so different from the others. One adored and the other hated. People who either admire or fear."

You sigh, covering his hand with yours and leaning into his palm. "A strange pair, the both of us."

Seokmin nods in agreement.

You hesitate before speaking. You've never been the one to pour your heart and feelings for someone else, especially to someone you've not known for too long. "I'll...try my hardest, Seokmin. I'm not perfect."

"Who is?" Seokmin counters, peppering kisses along your jawline. "Perfection is such a boring concept."

"I will be terrible at running this palace," you're scrambling, digging your nails into his shoulders as he bites your collar bone, "All the balls and meetings. I can't."

"Nonsense," Seokmin's voice is low and raspy, his lips hovering over the hollow of your throat, "I need my villainous wife to put those in line."

"Right," you breathe, tangling your fingers in his hair, arching into his mouth, "Right. I'll...scare them. That's...that's my expertise, after all."

He pulls back, flashing a smile so beautiful and pure that it knocks the air out of you. "The most vicious of villainess, ready to inflict terror upon the court."

You let out a laugh, cupping his cheeks. "My prince...you are such an idiot."

Seokmin pulls the pins and ribbons from your hair and they tumble down around you, his fingers getting caught as he rakes through the locks, stroking your hair. You bite your lip and gasp when his mouth moves down to the column of your neck, planting open-mouthed kisses along the tender flesh, a slow burning heat igniting within you as he nips the skin and laves his tongue across the marks.

You cling to him desperately, your hands shaking as they fumble to undo his jacket, the satin soft beneath your palms. You're drowning in sensations, your head spinning, and your heartbeat thrumming wildly in your ears. Seokmin helps you along, pulling off the constricting fabric, his shirt quickly following.

Your mouth goes dry and you forget how to breathe when you admire his exposed upper body, the sleek lines of his chest and stomach, the defined muscles under his bronze skin.

He's beautiful, breathtaking, and you're mesmerized, your hand reaching out to trace over the curve of his shoulders, down the elegant arch of his neck.

"You're positive that you never had other women touch you?" you ask skeptically.

"Just you," he answers with a smile, "You, my dearest wife."

You pause. "...what if I'm terrible in bed?"

Seokmin stops kissing your shoulder, his dark brown eyes flicking up to meet yours, the corners of his mouth quirking upward, dimpling his cheeks. His amusement is evident, causing a pink blush to rise and spread over your face. "Then we can be horrible together."

"So comforting," you mutter, a twinge of nervousness fluttering in the pit of your stomach. "I... don't even know where to begin..."

"Then we can explore it all, together," he removes the dress and unlaces your corset, helping you out of the layers of fabric. He sucks in a sharp breath, his pupils dilating as your body is revealed to him.

"Ummm...don't just stare. You'll make me nervous," you squirm and try to hide yourself from him, but he catches your arms and keeps them still.

"It's beautiful...you're beautiful," he marvels, his eyes soft and adoring. Seokmin studies you closely, as if he were trying to commit the sight to memory, to carry it in his heart forever. His gaze sweeps over you reverently, full of tender adoration and it causes your insides to feel gooey.

Seokmin kisses the inside of your wrist, trailing soft, ticklish caresses down your arm, eliciting a breathless gasp of pleasure. His movements are unhurried, allowing you both the opportunity to explore one another.

You arch into him when Seokmin takes one of the hardened peaks of your breast into his mouth, your fingers running through the soft silky strands of his hair, cradling his head to you, urging him to continue.

"Have mercy," he whispers, nuzzling the valley between your breasts, before switching to the other, "Your responses are...mesmerizing." Seokmin trails his fingers up the underside of your thighs, slowly parting your legs and shifting them over his broad shoulders.

"W-What are you doing?" you squeaked, trying to squeeze your legs shut, your toes curling against the supple skin of his bare back.

Seokmin grins devilishly. He blows against your clit, delighting in the way your hips buck towards him, before dragging his tongue down along the slit. "Tasting you. Trying to figure out which part will make you call my name."

You don't have time to process what that means before his mouth is latched onto you, his tongue delving past your folds, tracing intricate patterns and licks that make your knees shake. He uses his thumb to play with your clit while he thrusts his tongue into you, his fingers moving to spread your inner lips so he can lick you clean, tasting the essence of you.

You couldn't remember what your own name is as you writhe beneath him. Seokmin hums against you, the vibrations setting your nerves ablaze, his nose bumping against your clit. You buck into him, clutching him for dear life as his mouth works to bring you pleasure beyond your wildest dreams, every touch electrifying.

There's nothing else but Seokmin. There's no need for any other thoughts, no obligations. The warmth of his breath and the slickness of his tongue, the way he takes his sweet, agonizing time lavishing attention on you, heats the fire that's burning low in your belly, flames licking upwards, scorching and bright, threatening to burst.

You call his name when you come, sobbing out broken syllables into the evening air, your entire body trembling. His strong arms hold you upright, holding you tightly as you shudder in his embrace, riding out the waves of ecstasy and delight.

When you return to reality, Seokmin is gazing up at you, a lazy smile stretching his swollen mouth, his chin and cheeks glistening. He brings up his thumb, swiping the wetness before sucking on the digit. The action causes your stomach to twist in delightful anticipation, your thighs squeezing together as another rush of arousal spikes through you.

You think you should feel dirty and embarrassed after climaxing against his mouth, but it doesn't seem to faze him in the slightest, only serving to encourage him more.

"How was I?" he asks, trailing sloppy, open-mouthed kisses over your hips. "Not too bad of a first try, right?"

He looks so absurdly pleased with himself, and you can't help the laughter that bubbles out. You pull his face towards yours and taste yourself on his lips. "You are unbelievable," you giggle, wiping the last remnants of your juices from his face.

"So I did good," Seokmin says as he slides up your body, his heated skin rubbing against yours in the most tantalizing way, until his face is level with yours. You cup his cheeks, bringing him closer, sealing his mouth over yours. You moan into him at the flavor of the two of you combined and Seokmin groans, biting your lower lip, slipping his tongue into your mouth, the velvet appendage dancing with yours in a slow, sensual waltz. He reaches down, dipping his fingers into the wetness seeping from your center, making sure you're ready. "Y/N," he whispers your name softly, "Is this really your first time?"

"Why does this concern you?" you grumble.

He presses a kiss to your brow. "It does...because I want you to enjoy it as well," he murmurs.

"Despite what others say about me," you draw little shapes on his shoulders, "I've never lain with any man, not in the way you mean."

He chuckles, nipping the sensitive skin below your ear. "Glad to be your first."

Before you can say anything, Seokmin drops down and covers one of your breasts with his palm, pinching the nipple between his fingers, the sensation shooting a bolt of heat to your core. You gasp, covering your face as the overwhelming sensations of the day's activities continue.

"Y/N," Seokmin stops teasing the swell of your breasts. Your hands slip away, a soft cry escaping your lips, and his forehead drops to yours, eyes searching. "Would you rather I take you from behind? To see each other is not as bad, but..." he runs his hands up and down the expanse of your back, his erection rubbing against the skin of your lower abdomen. "If you're more comfortable then... that way would be best."

You shake your head. "No. This is fine, please," you mumble, gripping his shoulders and hiding in the curve of his neck. "Please."

"Let me know if I hurt you," he whispers before lifting and spreading your thighs. He runs the tip along the slit, nudging the opening. "I'll stop whenever you want."

"Go...just go," you squeak out.

Slowly, he presses himself into you. "Oh, goddess," his eyes slam shut, a harsh groan tearing from his throat, his fingers digging into the skin of your ass, his expression twisted with pained pleasure, "you're so tight, you feel so fucking good."

You gasp at the stinging stretch and the almost-too-much pressure of his intrusion. His eyes shoot open at your pained hiss and he freezes immediately, stroking his hands over your skin. "Do you-"

"Don't you dare stop," you order him. Your hands grip his forearms, steadying yourself. You grit your teeth, bracing for the pain as he buries himself in to the hilt, fighting the urge to curse. Seokmin burrows his face against the side of your head, his breath fanning over you as he waits for your body to adjust to him.

"Ah, Y/N... fuck..." Seokmin moans your name softly, pressing hot, fervent kisses across the column of your neck.

"Give...give me a second," you pant, biting your lip hard and wincing as he rubs soothing circles into the soft skin.

"Just breathe...shh," he soothes, murmuring calming words against your lips, capturing your mouth. He does his best to keep you relaxed as the initial pain slowly melts into a burning ache that's not entirely unpleasant. He nudges his nose against yours. "Are you okay?"

"Y-Yes..." you breathe out slowly, dropping your forehead on his chest.

Your walls are twitching deliciously around him, clenching tightly. It's difficult for him not to give into the urge and thrust into your tight warmth. He runs his hand over your face, pulling you away from his chest and captures your lips in a lingering, sensual kiss. The coil of heat twists inside of you again and you give an experimental shift of your hips, the stinging not as painful as it was seconds ago.

Seokmin peppers kisses along the valley between your breasts and neck, whispering soothing words, waiting for you to adjust, to relax around him before beginning to move.

"You can move now," you tell him, cupping his face, "Sl-Slowly."

You bite the inside of your cheek as he pulls back, gripping his arms, the stinging ache flaring briefly before melting into a heated pulse as he thrusts forward, pushing back in. His hand skims down the side of your waist, resting on your hip, anchoring you to him as he slowly rocks himself into you. "Is it better?" he rasps out, nuzzling the sensitive hollow just below your ear, "Or do I need to stop?"

"K-Keep going," your hands slide up along the smooth ridges and plains of his chest. He exhales heavily, burying himself fully, and your fingers grasp at his hair, pulling the locks with each of his slow thrusts, his strokes gentle and mindful as he sets the pace.

"You're beautiful," he whispers, "...so beautiful." You whimper, tipping your head back and he takes advantage of the position, the slope of your neck open and exposed to him, his lips moving over the skin, branding it with marks that claim. Your nails scrape along the curve of his biceps, down his toned biceps. Seokmin's warm hands splay on your back, his fingers reaching around and grabbing the full swell of your ass.

He hitches your thigh higher against his waist, grinding into you, brushing against an exceptionally sensitive area. Every roll of his hips has him brushing up against a sensitive spot that has you arching into him. Your fingers trace over the sharp angle of his jaw and the edge of his elegant brow, before he draws you into a heated kiss that leaves you both breathless and craving more.

Everything feels new and exciting and Seokmin is content to help you explore this unknown territory, his hands encouraging and loving and patient. With every gasp, moan, and touch, you can feel something stirring within, growing stronger, taking root deep in your soul.

He begins to pick up the pace, his hips meeting yours in a delicious friction, drawing a chorus of breathless groans. The sensations overwhelm you, his sweat-slicked skin gliding against yours, the heat and scent of his body cocooning you in warmth and security and desire.

There's nothing else but thoughts of him. Nothing but Seokmin. How good it feels, how you need more, how the sensations have your stomach quivering, how you'll let yourself drown in his touch.

You've forgotten how to breathe properly as he draws your name over and over again between sighs and kisses, and with the reverence and ardor with which he worships you. Your legs wrap around his waist and he surges forward, causing you to call his name breathlessly, crying out from the over-sensitized nerve endings and the tightening heat coiling low.

"Let go," he breathes raggedly into your ear, and with a snap of his hips he drives his length to the hilt.

And just like that, you unravel, his name on your lips as white-hot heat burns through you. Seokmin stiffens and surges forward with a broken moan, shuddering, his fingers digging into your hips as he chases the high and finally joins you.

For a few moments the two of you stay in the same position, regaining your breath. A layer of sweat glistens over your skin and Seokmin uses his fingers to gently rub your arms. When you look at his face, the sight causes you to swallow thickly. He's beaming, eyes aglow as he gazes upon you.

His eyes are so warm, his smile so brilliant and bright and blinding that it nearly steals your breath. Your chest throbs, aching fiercely, the odd sensation overwhelming, almost too much.

This is ridiculous. Absurd. Impossible. There's no way you've fallen this hard for this stupid, sun-lit man. Not after one night. And yet, with Seokmin touching you, looking at you with those beautiful eyes, his hair disheveled and framing the angles of his handsome face, you know that your heart has already been lost.

"Can..." you chew on the inside of your cheek as he tucks some of the unruly strands behind your ear, his brown eyes warm and steady and completely focused on you. "Can we do that again?"

Seokmin lets out a husky laugh that sends shivers racing up and down your spine. "My dearest wife," he croons, wrapping his arms around you, pecking you sweetly, "all you have to do is say the word."

The palace was bustling as preparations for the summer ball were underway. Servants, workers and military men scrambled through the halls as you made your way, tugging Seokmin alongside you.

It's been three months since you first lain together and both have enjoyed the intimacies that are now shared between each other. Your feelings have begun to grow and with it, a little living being inside of you. You haven't told him yet about the impending bundle of joy, waiting for the perfect time.

However, your good mood has dropped to a completely sour one. When you found out that Heejoo would assist you as a lady-in-waiting, you wanted nothing more than to roast her in a flame spell. But because your father and stepmother begged the king for it, there wasn't anything you could say.

"What a day," you grumble, tying a ribbon on the flower garlands for the ball. "If Heejoo undermines me one more time, I'll throw her from the second floor balcony. Or roast her. Whichever is the first one to appear in my mind."

Your husband chuckles. "Did something happen?" he inquires as the both of you continue making your way towards the main hall.

"Other than Heejoo telling the maids to switch out the flowers and linens that I had been picking all morning? No, nothing at all," you roll your eyes as you reply sarcastically.

Seokmin glances over at you. He offers you a sympathetic pat on the hand.

"Tell me. If this place was lit on fire, how long do you think it would take them to burn? A few minutes? An hour, tops?" you muttered.

"No arson," Seokmin laughs as he helps you settle down onto the garden chairs for your afternoon tea.

You laugh. "Fire spells are useful." You wiggle your eyebrows as he joins you.

The both of you start to work on the plans for the upcoming events, making changes and comments on the events that would be taking place. You hold back a wince. There had been a bout of morning sickness lately and Seokmin noticed you massaging your stomach earlier.

"Are you hurt?" He reaches over to your hands, cupping them with his. "Y/N?" His voice drops and there's no hiding from him now. He looks so concerned as his eyes narrow into slits, his gaze scouring your body for the source of pain. He's looking at you in a way that warms you from the inside out, his soft voice, full of concern.

It almost hurts to realize just how much this man actually loves you. How much you love him back. It makes you want to do everything and anything you can to make sure this wonderful man in front of you doesn't ever experience sadness in his life. To protect him from everything, his and yours, to ensure that he could smile like that for the rest of your lives.

"My prince," you started, "I need to tell you something very important."

"I'm all ears," he replied, burying his face against the crook of your neck, his large hands holding you close to his warm body.

"You'll have to start being more gentle with me in bed," you whisper, taking one of his hands and guiding it to your stomach, letting it linger.

"Why?" his voice was laced with concern as his head shot up and his brows pulled together, "Am I doing something wrong? Did I hurt you? Did I-"

You press a finger to his lips, shushing his panicked mumbling. "You haven't hurt me, and you didn't do anything wrong. And as for why you should be gentle..." You press his palm firmly against the slight bump on your abdomen.

"...Oh," Seokmin pauses and blinks, realization dawning on him, the tips of his ears pink. He opens his mouth, closes it, swallows hard, and then opens it once more. "OH."

A burst of laughter bubbles from your chest and you find yourself nodding, kissing his chin. "Mhmm...so be a little softer with me, alright?"

"Are you absolutely positive?" Seokmin asked softly, his hand splaying protectively over your belly, his lips ghosting against your hair, "It isn't a mistake?"

"Definitely no mistake," you confirm, "You can ask the palace staff. I've been having horrible morning sickness." You look down, blushing a light pink. "And with the way we've been going at it lately...it would be difficult for it to be any one else's."

He laughs, a sound as lovely as wind chimes, melodic and sweet, "I...uh, guess we do get quite...rambunctious at night."

You tuck your head into the junction of his neck and shoulder, hiding the burning embarrassment as you recall just how many times a day he's been coming to you, eager and wanting.

Not that you didn't welcome him with open arms, his appetite insatiable, his lips worshipping your body and soul.

"Let's announce it at the Summer Ball," he says suddenly, sounding happier than you've ever heard him before. He stands abruptly, hands cupping your flushed cheeks, eyes warm and bright. "It'll be a great celebration."

Your heart melts at the excitement swirling in his brown eyes.

You grin and allow your prince to scoop you in his arms and spin the both of you around in gleeful celebration, squealing with delight. The announcement of an heir, especially a future king or queen, was a joyful event and one to be celebrated.

But in your joy, neither one of you noticed that someone had witnessed your private moment, hiding behind one of the many bushes dotting the beautiful landscape.

You're as big as a whale and you are now in your ninth month of pregnancy. The baby would be arriving at any moment so you've had to stop attending to all the state affairs, letting Seokmin handle them instead. While you were grateful that your husband had been so attentive to you and the growing child in your womb, you found yourself getting bored and restless. You hated being cooped up in your bedroom, unable to do anything else but read. The only good thing about it was that you were able to use your magic to help alleviate some of your aches and pains.

"You're getting bigger," Seokmin notes, pressing a kiss to your swollen stomach.

"I'm going to explode," you groan, your feet up on a small ottoman as he rubs your ankles for you. "I can't believe I'm this huge. I look like a balloon."

"It's a good thing," he grins, "Means that the baby is coming soon. You'll be able to see our child sson."

"Our child. It still feels weird to say that," you giggle, "Who knew the most feared woman in the kingdom would end up as a mother?" You turn to look at him. "Seokmin?"

"Hmmm?" he hums, his eyes closed.

"I love you," you smile softly at him as you speak, your heart full to bursting. You know that you can't keep it a secret for much longer and you want him to know the truth.

The words hit him like a lightning bolt. He goes completely still, his entire body turning rigid, before his eyes flutter open, a stunned expression on his face. "You...You love me?" he stutters, "Did you mean that?"

"Of course, I meant it. What? Were you expecting me to say that I hate you?" you chuckle as you lean forward to kiss him. You pull back slightly, looking into his brown eyes. "I love you, Seokmin."

He beams brightly and you realize that you've never seen him so happy. "I love you too," he whispers against your lips. "I love you so much."

You sigh happily, content with his love, your heart singing with joy at his admission. You have no clue as to how much time has passed with the two of you sitting there and trading sweet kisses and gentle caresses.

"Do you think our child is a boy or girl?" you wonder as you settle comfortably in his embrace.

"Hmmm...As long as our baby is healthy, I don't mind having a little prince or princess," he remarks.

"I have no clue on how to care for a child...what if I am terrible at raising one?" you worriedly mumble as you pick at the embroidery on your dress. "What if I don't make a very good mother?"

"Hey now," Seokmin shifts around, laying flat and guiding you to rest your cheek on his chest. "I'll be beside you every step of the way."

"Don't you find that frightening," you worriedly admit, "the thought of us having a child, being parents, what if our child learns their bad ways from me? Like setting things on fire?" Your words give him pause for a few moments before a light, warm laughter emanates from the deep planes of his chest and out of his lips. "It's not funny! Stop laughing, Seokmin!" You shove him lightly, trying to be firm despite how happy the sound makes you.

His arms tighten around you and he pulls you closer. "You'll be a wonderful mother," Seokmin reassures you as his lips kiss the top of your head. "Because the woman that I love with all my heart would never hurt our child or let anything bad happen to them."

You sniffled. "O-Oh yeah? How are you so sure?" you laugh with a choked voice, your eyes growing wet at his sweet declaration. He always knows what to say and how to make you feel better, and how can a villainess not fall madly in love with such a wonderful person?

"Because the woman I know is kind, understanding and compassionate, patient and hardworking, passionate and fierce."

You reach down to thread his fingers through his own. His hand is warm and big and perfectly fitted to yours, the same warmth, and love emanating through you and spreading from the tips of your fingers.

Seokmin draws slow circles onto your shoulders, his other hand keeping your head against his steady heartbeat. "Everything will work out. No matter what happens, I will be with you," he murmurs softly and you burrow even closer to him, hiding your tears away from view. "And I know I am very happy about meeting my future princess or prince."

"Please stop being so perfect," you mutter.

Seokmin gives a rumbling laugh as you nuzzle against him, sighing softly, and his body curls protectively around yours. His hand runs slowly over your back, up and down the length of your spine, as his soft voice floats around you, and you find your muscles slowly relaxing.

His words fade away into the background, and all you can do is close your eyes as a sweet sleepiness drifts over you, settling deeply into your very core.

Seokmin is working late tonight and you're sitting in your shared rooms, reading reports from Hyunwoo. You rub your round belly absentmindedly, humming to your unborn child when you hear a knock on the door.

"Come in," you call out, your eyes never leaving the words on the paper.

You hear the soft click of the door, the sound of shoes, and a woman's footsteps as she enters. "Your highness," Heejoo curtsies to you.

"Oh," you sigh, "what do you want?" You're tired and your feet are killing you. There's nothing you want more than a hot bath and to sleep. But first, you want this person who is making your life difficult to leave.

"Please forgive me for disturbing your rest," she begins, "but I brought tea and snacks for you." Heejoo gestures to the tray that she had brought with her. "I know the pregnancy has been quite a chore for you and I just wanted to help."

You study her for a few moments, your instincts telling you that something was off, but your tiredness clouded your judgment. You decide to dismiss the feelings and sigh. "Alright." You motion towards her to bring it over.

The corner of her lips curve up, an uncharacteristically malicious expression marring her pretty face. You never catch it since you're pouring over another report. Heejoo puts the tray on your table and pours tea into the cup that sits there, using an herb to infuse its fragrance and a sugar cube to add its sweetness before she mixes it in, her motions a perfect picture of politeness. "My congratulations on the upcoming arrival. The whole family is excited for the newest addition."

"You seem rather chipper," you raise an eyebrow at her as you raise the cup to your lips. The taste was different from the usual tea that your maids would make. There was a strange, bitter flavor to it. You set the cup down, raising an eyebrow. "Something's off."

Heejoo's smile widens. "Oh, it's just a special tea that I made for you."

"Is that so?" You rub your tummy, feeling your child move and kick a little. You then begin to massage the ache. "Thank you. You're dismissed." You wave at her, the aching starting to grow.

Heejoo's frame trembles with hidden mirth at the sight of you drinking the tea without question. "You're quite welcome, sister." She pauses at the threshold and looks over at you, the vicious smirk lingering. "He should have been mine."

"What?" you manage to cough out.

Her smirk grows bigger as she approaches you once more. Her steps are elegant and precise and you suddenly feel nauseous. "Pity the villainess only learns her lesson right when her happily ever after is snatched from under her," she cooes at you, her voice high-pitched as she mockingly pats you on the cheek, her brown eyes filled with hatred. "Well, soon you won't have to worry anymore because you won't be around to know."

Realization sets in, the pain in your abdomen becoming unbearable, your heartbeat accelerates and your vision swirls. "Y-you," you hunch over, crying from the pain and trying to gather your energy.

Heejoo stands straight and clasps her hands together, sighing contentedly, "I'm glad that you were stupid enough to drink it. I will rid this kingdom of both you and your child." She flicks her hair, letting it fall into waves over her slender shoulder, and smiles gleefully at you.

Tears burn the back of your eyes and the pain in your chest swells. "Why are you doing this?" You grunt from pain as you lean against the settee, clutching at the spot over where your heart beats furiously.

"I was supposed to be his bride!" Heejoo screams as her perfectly crafted image comes crashing down. "It was supposed to be me!" she continues, her hand twirling her hair as a manic smile appears, the colors draining from her. "This was supposed to be my happy ending but no, you got in the way when you survived that assassination attempt! You were never meant to be the heroine. How dare you have the gall to take everything from me?!"

You let out a sigh of amusement. "Oh Heejoo..." You shake your head and stand, forcing yourself up, holding your round belly. "YOU took everything from me," you breathe out shakily, the pain unbearable. You close your eyes and breathe out. "The moment your mother married my father," your voice rises and falls sharply. You pant and wipe your hand over your brow. "The moment you and Heecheon were born," your breathing grows deeper and harder. "Everything was handed to you," your knees start to buckle from the lack of oxygen and pressure from the tea. "I'm just taking it all back."

Heejoo cries out in outrage. "Shut up! Everything was supposed to be MINE!" she snaps. "You should have died that night. And yet, here you are. Still alive." Her fists are clenched so hard, her knuckles start to turn white. "That child." A snarl appears on her face as she points at your tummy. "I will not let you have the one thing that should have been mine."

"Don't you dare harm this child!" you roar as you stumble forward, catching yourself with a coffee table. The table toppled and sent the porcelain that sat on its surface flying.

"You can't hurt me," she grins wildly. "Not while you're on death's door." Heejoo puts her finger to her chin, looking thoughtful, her brown eyes twinkling malevolently. "His highness will be so sad," she mocks, "losing a baby and his beloved wife."

Hate. It's the only thing you feel as you listen to her empty self righteous speech. Hate and despair, not just because of the agony the poison had wrought in your body, but because you'll never see your child or your husband again.

Seokmin...he didn't deserve this, you think as your knees buckle and you slump to the ground, trying to drag your body forward, trying to make your limbs move, trying to access your magic. But all you can feel is that sweet numbness coming over your body, seeping slowly and completely into your very core.

"My dearest sister," she spits out and glares, pulling a dagger from her skirts, "it's time for you to die."

She raises her dagger but she never gets the chance to strike you.

Seokmin, who had entered the room to check on you, rushed over to you as the guards surrounded Heejoo. They grabbed her immediately, not that she didn't go willingly. It was useless to fight a losing battle. The guards dragged her out, ignoring her screeching as they locked her up. "Take her to the dungeons," he orders, his eyes never leaving you. He turns to you, taking you in his arms. "Are you alright? Did she hurt you?"

"Seokmin," you breathe out, holding onto him as he picks you up. "I'm...I'm sorry. I was so tired and I...I should have known better than to trust her."

"Shh," he hushes you, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head, "don't blame yourself." He lays you down on the bed and summons the maids to get a healer. Your body aches from Heejoo's attack and you're still dizzy, feeling the remnants of the tea.

"Your highness," one of the maids calls out, "we need to get the baby out of her." The maids begin to take off your clothes and the healer begins to examine you.

"It's time?" you ask, panic rising in you.

The healer nods. "We need to get the child out now. The poison will be deadly for the child."

Seokmin takes your hand, his other hand rubbing your belly soothingly. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." He kisses you gently, whispering words of reassurance.

"You must be strong," the healer says, "the baby must come out."

"Seokmin," you gasp, your fingers squeezing his hand so tight that you're sure it'll bruise. "I'm scared."

"I thought I'll never see the day where my strong wife will admit to being scared." He cups your chin with his free hand, tilting your face up. He pecks you on the lips. "I'm afraid too," he murmurs, resting his forehead against yours, eyes screwed shut and eyebrows furrowed in concentration. He exhales loudly. "This is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I'm terrified to lose the one good thing that happened to me."

Tears stream down your face and you feel the reassuring caress of his hand on the side of your face, his thumb tracing your cheekbone and wiping away the moisture. "Do you...do you think our baby will be alright? Even after what happened?"

He lifts your entangled fingers and places them against the left side of his chest, your palm splaying over his heart. "Our hearts beat the same. And as long as it beats, our baby will be ok." You lean over, nuzzling the side of his face. He catches the tear that threatens to fall off your cheekbone. "And so will you, my love."

"Your highness, it's time," the healer speaks, "it is best for the child to come out now."

Seokmin presses another kiss to your lips, gentle, fleeting. "I'm not going anywhere, okay? Focus on the healer and you can squeeze the life out of me."

With Seokmin's encouragement whispered in your ear, you manage to deliver your baby, weak from poison and exhausted beyond measure. After the baby was delivered, the healers worked on clearing any traces of poison in both you and your baby. Seokmin stayed by your side the whole time, whispering encouragement and apologies, keeping you awake. Once the healers have declared you in the clear, he curls around your frame, spooning you, drawing you closer to him until you could feel his warmth against the whole of your skin.

"Sleep," he sighs against the crook of your neck.

And sleep you did.

You wake up to the sound of soft baby cooing and Seokmin's low murmurings.

"Hello there, my little prince," you hear him say softly as you blink your eyes open.

"Seokmin?" you call out groggily. "Is the baby...is it…"

Seokmin turns to look at you, a bright smile on his face. "Our baby is safe," he informs you, showing you the little bundle that he was cradling in his arms.

You gaze down at the tiny baby, tears forming in your eyes as you see the small child. You reach out, stroking a finger along the chubby cheek. "Hi, there," you whisper, a happy smile spreading across your face, "I'm so happy you're alright." You look up at Seokmin. "What happened to Heejoo? Is she…?"

"She's in prison," he nods, "she'll be there for a long time."

"How is my father and the rest of the family taking it?" you sigh, snuggling closer to your baby. You were surprised at the strong urge to protect your child.

"There's an open investigation against them. There are cases of embellizing funds, tax fraud and abuse of power." He explains as he gets comfortable next to you. "Your family, apart from Hyunwoo, are under house-arrest pending their hearings."

"Hyunwoo is okay?" you ask of your older brother.

"Yes," Seokmin affirms, "He's the only one that hasn't been charged with anything since he's one of the Grand Duke's men. If your father is stripped of his title, then it will go to Hyunwoo since the eldest of a direct line is always the heir."

"But...where do I stand?" you ask worriedly.

"My wife is worried about her reputation," he teases. You hit his shoulder and he yelps out. "You have nothing to worry about. You're one of the Grand Duke's people, the crown princess and most of all, my wife." He places a light kiss to your cheek, smiling against your warm flesh.

"I'm the wife of a fool," you smile affectionately at him, "but at the same time, a strong, powerful man." You kiss him, letting your emotions convey how you felt. When you part from him, you smile and cup his cheek with a gentle palm, thumb running along the apple of it. "Seokmin, I..."

You were saved from uttering your feelings when a loud cry escaped the babe's mouth. "Oh, I guess the little prince is hungry," he grins softly. Seokmin places the child against your chest. "Our child is absolutely perfect and so are you."

The babe nuzzles close to your breast and you lift the garment to let the infant suckle, the soft noises comforting. Seokmin runs his hands over the baby's soft head. "I love you," he murmurs against the side of your head, "I love you so much."

The both of you gaze tenderly upon the small infant, his body relaxed as your smaller frame tenses up before Seokmin squeezes you in a warm embrace. He draws you as close to him, careful not to crush the child nestled against you, his touch gentle and comforting.

"I never thought," Seokmin swallows deeply, "that I can ever love you more than I already have, but the thought of losing you and our child scared me more than anything in the world." He squeezes you closer to him, almost as if he was making sure that the two of you are in fact safe. "I can never love another woman," Seokmin admits, his voice catching as he finally utters his fears, the pressure from his position and his heart. "If that woman isn't you."

You squeeze his hands in return, bringing them up to your face to kiss the knuckles. "You are also the first and only man I will love," you inform him, eyes studying every detail of his beautiful face, a hand reaching up to tangle in his locks. "And I love you so much." You pause as Seokmin blinks slowly before returning your affection, his soft lips meeting yours.

It's a soft kiss, comforting, a simple and intimate gesture of your devotion to one another. As your mouths move in tandem, his hand cups the side of your cheek and brings your head closer to him, making you almost lean into his embrace, into his warm, loving presence.

Pulling away, his breathing is heavy and his eyes remain locked onto yours, gazing at you lovingly and with a new-found fervor. The pad of his thumb strokes your cheekbone. He stares at you and your own mouth hangs open, your breath falling from your lips in deep inhales and exhales as he stares at you. You lean closer into his hand and his eyes are liquid amber, radiating with desire and affection. He lifts the small hand of the little bundle into the air and the child clutches at his father's larger hand.

Seokmin gives the back of the babe's hand a sweet kiss, his eyes locked onto you, and you can almost hear the words that hover in the air. You hope to see more of this loving and adoring father as your little family grows.

"I'm the villainess and you're the perfect crown prince," you tell him after some time, "and yet, here we are with a happy ending. For me, for you and most importantly, for our child."

Seokmin leans into your frame, hugging you, the three of you pressed up against one another. "Yes," he agrees softly. "This is the start of the beginning for us." He snuggles his face into the side of your neck, nipping at the exposed skin with his lips. "Let's make more babies. Lots of them," he mumbles against the crook of your shoulder.

You can only chuckle, patting the top of his head. "One at a time, husband," you whisper teasingly, "One at a time."

I apologize for any mistake about f1 racing and races in general 😭 I had no time to catch any race while writing, but I did my best trying to remember the few I watched! this isn't realistic at all but i hope you have a good time reading hehe

last note: it's not specified, but I did imagine red bull Seokmin while writing, so, do with that what you will

hope you enjoy!! I can't wait to read your thoughts!!

The clock on the restaurant’s wall signals it’s barely 3:30 pm when the waiter walks towards your table with your order. His smile has the needed amount of politeness, mixed with a little bit of judgment at you for ordering two burgers with a side of fries at this hour.

You thank the young looking waiter as he sets the plates on the table, right before looking at the man sitting across from you, wide eyes and wiggly eyebrows to annoy him further.

“Don’t you love we’re doing this?” The salt shaker is heavy in your hand, coating your fries with a thick layer of salt before even tasting them.

Seokmin chuckles, shaking his head and extending his arm to lift the top bun of your hamburger. The tomato slices get squished between his fingers as he takes them out of your burger and puts them on his own.

There’s a faint shade of pink extending from his cheeks to his ears, probably from the unwanted attention of undoubtedly being judged by your snack choices.

“We could’ve waited until later, you know?” His mouth is full from already diving into his meal, and you chuckle in response as you salt his fries too. “Hey—stop that! Don’t tamper with my food!”

“I don’t want to hear you whining about them having no flavor in five minutes! I’m saving myself from misery!”

“You’re trying to poison me and stop me on my way to stardom!” He complains but still doesn’t stop the salt attack, “the people are going to wonder where the next big star went away to.”

“The people… being?”

Seokmin nearly chokes at the dry bread tickling the roof of his mouth, “a lot of people watch Formula 2, you know?”

The two older ladies sipping tea on the table beside yours whisper as they side-eye you two.

“They’ve been rooting for me. They even celebrated that I’m moving on from being a reserve driver and racing properly this season.”

“Oh, I’m sure…”

You didn't know that something other than Formula 1 existed before your best friend got scouted to race. Being subjected to weeks long bullying by all of your friends, and a thousand comments of ‘what did you think the One stood for?’ was enough for you to want to learn the basics.

But it was after Seokmin started racing and people started stopping him on the street, begging you to take their picture with the smiley man they knew from watching his races on TV, that you understood. It was big.

Now, after months of being a reserve driver, another thing you learned existed because of him. He had the chance to compete in a Formula 1 Championship for real. You didn't ask what happened, why the driver he's replacing can't finish the year. You celebrated his dream coming true.

“They're excited about me moving up the ladder!”

“Definitely,” you tease, hoping he knows you’re as proud of him as a best friend can be.

How couldn’t you be? The boy you used to save a seat for at lunch during the high-school days, the one who’d pirate formula 1 simulators to play during the little free time he got, who everyone doubted he had what it took to race professionally. He succeeded, and you got to see him through his journey with your own eyes as his personal cheerleader.

You see it every day, with every selfie taken with a fan, with every broadcast news showing his face, with every highlight of a race showing on TV. This is what he was meant to do, what he loves shyly, but with all his heart. And now, he finally has the chance to prove himself as a worthy driver after being overlooked by his team for so long.

“By the way," Seokmin starts as the first fry crunches between your teeth, "you have to watch every race now."

As if it wasn't already your plan, a sigh leaves you before responding, "Watching rich men drive cars fast every week? Oh! The dream!"

The grannies judge your dramatics before sipping on tea again, but you've learned to get used to being stared at. You had to, not knowing who could recognize the man who inhaled his burger in the time it took you to eat five fries.

"I expect feedback every Monday," his words come out muffled by the napkin wiping his mouth of any possible stain. "Are you eating these?"

You're quick to slap his hand away from the side of nuggets you ordered. “You said you didn't want any. Live with that."

It's always the same with him. Going out to eat anywhere, he never orders everything he wants, only to take a bite out of your order later. A new flavor of ice cream, pistachio flavored popcorn, nutella-filled churros, the list of things you never finished ‘cause he begged to try them is endless.

The crunch sounds of his fries takes you out of your thoughts, and you look up to find Seokmin's mouth moving.

"You still haven't told me why we had to drive three hours to get burgers at 4 pm."

"I did tell you!" A fry flies from your hand and hits him right in the face. He eats it like he hasn't eaten one in ages. "You just never listen to me."

"No, you didn't!" Seokmin smiles as he purposely annoys you. "I'm not buying that you just wanted to spend time with me."

"Why do you think, then? If I'm such a mean friend who doesn't want to spend time with her best friend before he disappears forever."

"Let me guess…" his finger taps repeatedly against the corner of his mouth as he thinks, unknowingly entrancing your eyes to look at the lower part of his face. "You want to kidnap me so you'll never have to be away from me."

It's common knowledge among everyone in your life that you and Seokmin are a package deal. From always seating with the other in high school to sharing any and every class possible in college, even if you weren't doing the same majors. An elective class showed up on both programs? You were doing it. You work well together, so why waste it?

The news that he was going to be racing more often was like a punch in the gut. When he became a reserve driver —and you learned that those existed only because of him, he stopped being needed on the paddock too often, and his visits to his hometown became more frequent.

Now, he's spending the rest of the season as a proper formula 1 driver. His dream come true. You should be proud. You are proud, but can't help feeling like a part of your heart crumbles a little every time the reminder hits that you won't see him for months, you won't hear the loudest laugh ever known to man, you won't have a shoulder to cry on.

How is life supposed to continue? There are other people in your life, other friends that you cherish, who will hang out at your apartment when you ask, watch the races on your couch, and tease Seokmin in the group chat. But none of them are him. 

Seokmin squints at your thoughtful state, his face the entire view in front of you, and suddenly the half-eaten burger on the table becomes the most interesting thing in the small restaurant.

You take another bite to fill your stomach before it starts aching. "You'd love to live off my cooking, admit it."

His laugh echoes around the room, contagious and warm, and your laughter quickly joins. The idea of you producing any kind of meal is always funny to him.

Burned pancakes, cakes hard as bricks, brownies with zero flavor, some people are just not made for the kitchen, and that's okay. Seokmin's been your victim countless times. He always ate what you presented with good intentions, but not even his kind smile managed to hide the disgust in his eyes as he swallowed.

"I'd love that, you're right," he's breathless, trying to tone down his squeals after the scene he himself made and stealing a few fries from your plate in the meantime.

"If I'm not feeling like racing one day, I'll ask you to send me some of your undercooked cookies."

The memory he's talking about flashes through your eyes. "They were supposed to be like that!"

"With burned down edges too?"

"You're so mean," you avoid his stare by looking down to the table, finding there's hardly any food left, courtesy of the fried-potato-stealing. "You're about to lose your one and only fan."

"You're finally admitting you're my fan?"

"Well! Not anymore!"

"Like you don't love to watch me."

He smirks as he drinks the last of his soda, the sprite zero he insists is the best drink ever even if no one on the planet likes it, and your throat dries at the sight.

There's a line, and a blurry one at that, that you're never sure if he crosses on purpose or if it's your mind playing sick games. Your amicable, smiley, gentlemanly best friend couldn't be implying something else.

You do love watching him race. The interviews he gave after his F2 races, with the sweaty hair falling in front of his face and that tired smile he flashes to every interviewer. You watch everything.

Your camera roll is filled with blurry pictures of your computer screen, his face present in every single one of them, either celebrating a win or being embarrassed at a mistake. Always with the intention of sending them to him, let him know you were watching. Still, they don't leave their place in your phone gallery. But you never delete them either.

Suddenly, the urge to clarify something he didn't even imply takes over you, "I've never missed any of your races." 

You catch it before he even replies, that soft glint in his eyes that appears when he's happy. "I know."

His smile is assuring, like the toasty air that envelops you when walking past a bakery, like that one weighted blanket saved for the coldest winter days, like a warm cup of tea before sleeping.

You've celebrated every step forward he took in the racing world. When he got into Formula 2, his first podium, his first pole position, when his team finally promoted to being a reserve driver for Formula 1. Things kept changing, but your friendship didn't, you stayed strong and cheered for him every step of the way, and he stayed the kind Seokmin you loved, even with all the fame that came with his job.

So, why does it feel different this time? He's always flying from one country to the other, except for the times he isn't needed on the paddock on race day, and doing video-calls instead of hanging out when he's away became normal for you two a long time ago. It shouldn't be different, yet it is, somehow.

The waiter comes with the check Seokmin asked behind your back, giving you no chance of paying for the meal before he's giving the boy his card and telling him to give himself a 20% tip.

But the boy's gone before your hand even reaches the depths of your bag, leaving you squinting at your best friend. "You shouldn't be paying for your celebration."

"Let me spend my money however I want," he starts grabbing his things, ignoring your moment of stubbornness. "If I want to spend it on you, I will."

"But—" his index finger places against his pursed lips, the shut-up gesture that always makes your blood boil.

It isn't his first time doing this. It's been happening since he realized that paying for meals behind your back was the only way he could get away with using his money on you since you've prohibited him from buying you gifts. It's annoying, and you'll pay him back. One day.

When he notices you're in no rush to get your things and leave, Seokmin stands on the side of your chair, towering over your, too calm, body ominously. "Are we done now? Can we go home? I still need to clean up my apartment."

Your phone's dry with no texts received during the meal time, so you lock it again and take a few seconds to place it properly on your bag, not sparing your friend a glance.

"Why do you wanna end the day so badly? Are you tired of me already?"

"I never get tired of you," Seokmin snatches your bag out of your hands and begins walking away with his long legs and big steps, your legs almost running to chase after him. "I just want to  find out what you're hiding."

His smirk can even be heard as he pushes the glass door open.

"What could I possibly be hiding?"

"I don't know, maybe Seungkwan murdered the guy I'm replacing, and you want me to have an alibi."

"Shit, you weren't supposed to find out!"

His car stands out parked around the block, red and shiny, spottable it from a mile away. "Fine, if you're in a hurry, we can go back. It's okay."

Still, you refuse to get in the car, leaning against the passenger door as if time wasn't moving. With the keys spinning around your finger, you're not even sure how you got them. But, you congratulate yourself mentally for stealing them from him at some point, one last attempt to make the afternoon longer.

"It's a 3 hour ride back. Whatever you're planning can't take longer than that." Seokmin stands just a few feet before you, eyes narrowed in an intent to analyze and catch any of your signs, something he's worriedly good at. "Stop with that! Can't someone want to spend an afternoon with their best friend who she never sees? Is that a crime!"

Seokmin smirks lightly, eyes locked with yours as he teases, "I'll miss you too." "Oh, shut up!" Unable to stand under his gaze for long, the car keys fly from your hands to his, a sign of defeat. "Fine, let's go."

He chuckles in disbelief, walking not to the driver seat, but towards you. "I'm driving?" "You're literally a professional driver," the words blurt out of your mouth, as if a teasing reminder could draw a wall between Seokmin's body and yours. "Yeah, at 200 miles per hour." His smirk hasn't faltered since leaving the restaurant. He even looks… amused at your intents of joking your way out his interrogation.

Your eyes concentrate on the opened buttons of his shirt, almost all you can see from your point of view without tilting your head up. "My record so far is 50."

"Should I call the police?" Seokmin chuckles, and you want to die, his shoulders bouncing at the rhythm of his chest rising right in front of your face. "People drive like crazy here! No one uses their side signals anymore! I need to be prepared!" "Fine, I'll drive. But we're getting home in two hours."

You grunt in response, glad to not have to drive, but annoyed at everything that his return entails. The next morning, he'll leave, again, for longer this time, with less free hours he can spend talking to you. That's not a life you want to live in. A life where the robotic sound of Seokmin's chuckles breaking through the video call is the next time you'll hear his laugh.

Neither the TV or the phone screen do justice to everything Seokmin is. Through your eyes, he's the person who'd never judge you when you tell him your weird dreams, the one you'd learn things about a rich men sport for. He's… the sun, your sun. After today, the sun will go away from your sky, leaving your days blue, cold, and sunless.

Sitting on the car's leather seat, it feels like an eternity since you got to the restaurant, yet it wasn't enough time. "Don't let me fall asleep."

"I can't make any promises," Seokmin starts the engine, but when you turn your head to glare at him, he's already focused on you. "You've slept through my loudest alarms!"

"That was one time!" Something in his eyes renders you incapable of maintaining eye contact for long, and it's easy to use the road ahead as an excuse, "eyes on the road, Formula 1 boy."

The buzzing all around you stops, your eyes shooting open and settling on the familiar gray columns and walls of the garage. Hours spent sleeping, hours missed. You wasted your time.

A ruffling sound turns your neck to the driver's seat, where Seokmin's snacking on a bag of spicy Doritos and already looking at you.

"You fell asleep," he says with a mouthful, smiling like it's funny.

Like it's funny that your last hours alone with your best friend flew by cause you were so weak you had to fall asleep. "Tell me something I don't know, Sherlock."

You regret the tone you used as soon as Seokmin raises his eyebrows and turns to unlock the car doors. "O…kay, bad mood after a nap. Got it."

He's out of the car in a beat, only his arm in your sight as he grabs the keys without looking in.

"It's not that—I'm sorry." The passenger door shuts closed behind you as you flap your arms in the air to draw his attention back, "I just didn't want to spend our last hours together passed out."

Seokmin stops in his tracks and turns around, barely a few steps away from the car, and from you, "You're acting like you're never going to see me again."

"Well, you'll be much more busy!" He looks unconvinced, shoulders still slouched due to your outburst, so you keep going, "what if the fame gets to your head and you start ignoring my calls, or leaving me on read after the third voice note telling you the gossip around school."

"I'd never do that! Gossip is my main priority." The corners of his mouth lift as he sees you walk up to him, ready to go up to his apartment after all. "Funny."

Countless times you've done the same, walked the same cold garage and hopped on the same elevator, with the same Seokmin who's walking by your side but ever-so-slightly ahead of you.

As he turns to click the button to his floor, you check your phone again and see the text you've been waiting for. "But, seriously, don't start ignoring my calls, or I'm flying to whatever country you're in, and making you pay for the plane ticket."

He chuckles again, and the same warm nostalgic sensation takes over your every organ, again.

There's nothing out of the ordinary as you get out of the elevator, steps coordinated walking the hallway you know by memory. It's suspiciously silent, as if the echo of your feet against the tile floor was enough for you two. But you're not ready to say goodbye. "We're finally back here." Seokmin fidgets with his keys, awkwardly standing beside his door and facing you. "You can drop the act now."

"What act? We spent the day together like I wanted," You cross your arms in front of your chest, giggling at his confused face."You're finally rid of me, happy?"

"Yeah, yeah, like I believe that." Seokmin sticks his ear against the wooden door, trying to hear even a sliver of a noise from inside his own apartment.

"Okay! Bye now!" With a slow pace, you begin walking away, the elevator still waiting for you. "Call me when you leave for the airport, okay?"

He, then, realizes you're actually leaving. You almost miss the small smile and the wave of his hand before you turn and walk away. All you get before he clicks his door open, defeated.

"SURPRISE!"

The screams from inside Seokmin's apartment reach you before you even turn back around, right when he starts laughing and locks eyes with yours.

You're back by Seokmin's side in seconds, with your hands on his back and pushing him inside his crashed home. "You didn't think I was just going to leave like that, huh?"

A walkway forms between all your friends, letting the man of the hour in as someone closes the door behind you. Everyone greets and hugs Seokmin, who's still in a bit of shock that all of this happened behind his back. Thanks to you.

“How did all of you get in?” Seokmin's smile is as big as ever, glancing at everyone before setting his eyes on you. 

“I gave them my key.” You shrug.

You've always had a key to his apartment in case of emergencies—the emergencies being either Seokmin getting his arm stuck between the wall and his too big bed, or times he forgets to do the dishes before flying to a country on the other side of the world.

"I didn't give it to you so you could pass it along to everyone!"

"Acting like you weren't pouting thinking I had nothing planned for you."

Everyone laughs at Seokmin getting exposed by your comment, but he gets over it quickly as something else catches his attention. 

There's a huge poster hanging where Seokmin kept an undecorated wall, with hand-painted blue, red, and white letters spelling the guest of honor's name. Just his name.

Someone you don't see pops open a bottle of champagne, and everyone goes wild with celebration, claps, and a few whistles here and there. Seokmin gets forced into the living room by Chan and Mingyu, who swear he'd previously told them they could use his fancy new washing machine before dates.

You've been with him the entire afternoon, so you let the rest of the guys harass him for a while.

Music starts blasting through the expensive speaker system Seokmin set up—another reason why you wanted the party to be at his apartment. The playlist had been kept a secret from you. Everyone was afraid of what songs you’d add if given the chance, and it almost made you go crazy. But the music is not eardrum-shattering, so you let it be.

The layout of Seokmin's apartment is tattooed in your brain. How many nights have you crashed on the very same couch Wonwoo's playing with the X BOX in right now? Or how many times have you come in the middle of the racing season to take care of Seokmin's plants?

Someone screams in the living room, followed by a choir of laughter and flashes of phone cameras. The guys are making sure Seokmin won't miss their pranks.

"Did he figure it out?" Seungkwan catches you in the kitchen, about to raid the wine cabinet.

You could walk around Seokmin's apartment blindfolded. You know in which kitchen cabinet is everything you need, where he hides the fancy wine, and you’re the only one he doesn't give shit to for drinking it.

"He suspected I was planning something, but I handled it like a champ."

"You hit him in the head and gave him temporary amnesia?"

The corkscrew in your hand works as a temporary threatening device, and Seungkwan throws his hands in the air with a pout and a frown of eyebrows of the same threat level.

"He looked really shocked," Seungkwan continues after you've placed your weapon back on the counter. "I don't think he expected all of us to be part of the surprise."

"What else could he expect?"

Seungkwan shrugs as an answer.

Grabbing one of the two matching wine glasses from the cabinet—your favorites, your mind drifts back to Seungkwan's statement as you fill your glass past the recommended amount.

Sure, Seokmin suspected there was a surprise waiting back for him. But why would his group of friends not be a part of it? Everyone wanted to celebrate his success, his final step up to where he always wanted to be. You made sure everyone came, put Seungkwan in charge of setting up the party while you distracted Seokmin all afternoon. It was a perfect plan, and it worked! He was as shocked as ever.

The taste of dry and sweet red wine dampens your lips, and you gulp down half the glass, enjoying the taste. It's a tradition. Drinking red wine on special occasions. For tonight, you didn't wait for Seokmin, afraid to interrupt his time with his other friends before snatching him back with you.

"Ew!" Seungkwan's hand gets dangerously close to the glass in your hand before you slap it away. "Grab your own glass! You know where they are."

“It's just a sip!” His eyebrows frown again, this time genuinely offended.

“You know you can die.”

“From what? The possibility of getting in contact with someone's saliva? Tell that to your past self from the college years.”

“I'm still in college!” You defend yourself, even if fighting against the memories of your slutty era is pointless. 

“Stalling entering the job market doesn't count.”

“Now I’m definitely not giving you anything.” You gulp down the rest of the wine while purposely holding eye contact with Seungkwan. He doesn’t stop you. "Hope you get h.pylori and die."

"You don’t get—Hey I wash my hands!" Someone entering the small kitchen interrupts Seungkwan’s declaration.

Vernon pops into view for two seconds, putting his hands on Seungkwan’s waist to move him a bit to the side and be able to reach a forgotten bowl full of chips left on the counter. You don’t miss the touch or your friend getting red as a tomato.

"I'm not talking about hands." Hiding your giggle behind your empty glass, it’s clear your friend’s now focused on something else.

"Bitch,” Seungkwan mutters, crashing into none other than the man being celebrated while on the way out.

Seokmin emerges through the kitchen door, hair a mess and with more buttons of his shirt opened. The wine bottle sitting on the counter beside you draws his attention immediately.

“What happened to you?” You can’t help but chuckle, your eyes following him until he stands against the wall just by your side.

He grabs the wine bottle from the counter and drinks straight from the tip, gulp after gulp falling down his throat as he quenches his thirst. “You left me alone with feral people and drank our wine alone.”

You laugh, handing him a matching wine glass as he grabs another bottle for himself after tasting yours. “I wanted to give you some time with them after having you all for myself.”

The guys always whine about not spending time with Seokmin in between the races he attends. They complain about you getting all the privileges and not sparing even a phone call for them—which you are guilty of. So, you don’t want to hear their bitching and whining again after tonight.

“Never do that again.”

Seokmin sighs dramatically, now pouring himself a proper glass of wine and then pouring the rest of it on yours before discarding the empty bottle in the trash can. He doesn’t waste time, clicking your glasses together in a toast and downing the liquid at record speed.

You do the same, eager to get on with the party. Hoping that it will never end.

The front door closes shut under the push of your hands and there's finally silence.

You look back at the, somehow, clean living room the guys left behind, but sigh at the reminder of everything that was left in the kitchen. It's not the worst you've seen, but it's not something you want to deal with.

Seokmin's grabbing stray beer cans and putting them away in a trash bag he placed on the floor. He shouldn't be cleaning up the mess that solely exists because of you. But he's nice, too nice, and wouldn't let you close to the mess.

“Go see the guys out and I'll clean up.” He said, ushering you away from the messy kitchen and into the pathway to the door.

“You need to rest for tomorrow. Let me, please.” You tried to take the bag from his hands, but he’s faster and stronger, and it was away from your reach in less than a second.

“Stop arguing with me on our last moments together!” He retorted, using your words against you, and that won him the argument.

But now, with your one job done, and your friend ignoring you in the name of dish washing, your mind wanders to dangerous places.

After tonight, it will never be the same. He’ll be too busy, too famous, wanted by everyone around him. He said he’d never stop annoying you, but what happens when the rich parties inevitably make him realize the people back home don’t compare to his new circle?

The surge in thoughts about the future triggers the hangover headache prematurely. Red wine always has two different possible outcomes: either you make bad and stupid decisions or you get the worst hangover ever known to the human species. Seems that tonight you’re getting the latter.

“I'm making us hangover smoothies. I don’t want to feel dead tomorrow.”

His blender is where you knew it would, sitting untouched and with a layer of dust accumulated on top.

Seokmin doesn’t argue with you, “use anything I have left. Can’t let it go to waste.”

Opening his fridge after his approval, you’re met with the squeaky clean white interior and a few vegetables you’ll for sure use. “Why do you have an unopened bag of spinach when you’re leaving for months?”

“So you could use it for your anti-hangover concoctions," he lies, and you side-eye him so hard he bends over laughing. “Use it all and stop judging me.”

Every green vegetable you find goes into the blender, with a lot of lemon juice and the last few ice cubes that weren’t used for drinks.

Blender noise fills the comfortable silence that falls between you two as Seokmin finishes the dishes and rests against the cabinets behind you. Your body tingles, feeling his stare on your back, watching your every more.

The kitchen is too narrow, and Seokmin knows you hate it because you told him about a million times. There isn’t space for him to be standing where he is, yet, you can’t find it in you to complain. It’s the last time you’ll have him this close to you for a long time.

Seokmin’s eyes follow you as you find the glass cups you always use for your smoothies and pour the green liquid in.

“I have to clean that now.”

“Don’t complain about my good deed,” you roll your eyes as you hand him his part of the hangover cure, “I'll do it tomorrow in the morning."

He chuckles and gulps down the drink, as he always does despite not believing when you say it helps with feeling better after drinking. You rest your hips against the counter, angling your torso backwards and hoping the added centimeters between you will help the suffocating feeling of Seokmin standing so close.

The overpowering taste of spinach takes a few sips to get used to, but you don't flinch at the bitter taste, knowing you're under Seokmin's scrutinizing gaze even if you're avoiding his eyes.

“It's not your best,” he says, reading your mind.

“You're the one that forced me to put in a whole bag of spinach!”

Knowing there’s no way you’ll finish the awful smoothie, and using it as an excuse to still not look at Seokmin, you put the half-empty glass in the sink.

“I told you I had it just for you,” he states with full honesty. And you hate that you believe him.

There it is again. The invisible line about to be crossed. There must be something in the air. Maybe the mix of questionable old vegetables and lemon juice made you delirious.

“Should I feel insulted?” 

“I knew you’d want to make a smoothie so neither of us feel like shit tomorrow,” Seokmin shrugs, like it’s the most normal thing in the world. It could be. It should be. But, judging by your pulse accelerating, it doesn’t feel like it. 

“Yeah! And now the only thing I’m capable of making in a kitchen is ruined!” You try to joke, to ease the tension in the room, to stop being so twitchy under Seokmin's gaze. But everything feels too warm, too something. “I’ve never put that much of anything into my creations.”

To your demise, Seokmin chuckles, getting off where he was resting against and taking one step into your personal space.

“So, when I peed purple for a week straight, that was a complete coincidence?”

Your breathing stops as he stretches in front of you to place his empty glass on the counter. His expensive perfume is all around you, his chest your sole view, and you get goosebumps at the warmth of his body against yours.

“How was I supposed to know that beet turns pee purple?”

His head’s tilted down, eyes on you again and resting his body on a hand too close to yours on the counter.

“It doesn’t unless you put too much in what you eat!” His smirk is all you need to know he's teasing you on purpose. But you can't seem to shut up, wanting to fill an incoming silence at all cost. 

“Well, I hope you enjoyed your last party and last smoothie with me, ‘cause no other hangover cure will ever compare to mine.”

Seokmin takes a deep breath, realizing, once again, that even if things aren't changing, a lot is. His kind smile turns sad as memories flash through his eyes.

“I had a lot of fun. Thank you.”

The moment's changing. You feel it in the air. All the borrowed time you got with him, time you took for granted, is now coming to an end. He'll leave and you'll stay behind, like you always do.

“The guys are all going to miss you,” words stumble out of you, the only way you find to freeze time, to be with him for a little longer. “I can't believe you agreed to let those two use your washing machine! I swear if they call me to come help them I'm—”

Words stop coming out of your mouth, a pair of lips against yours sealing them shut.

Seokmin's hands cup both sides of your jaw, so gently you barely notice them there over the feeling of his mouth against yours. The noise all around you quiets down for the first time since the big news.

That is, until you realize what's happening, and your hands, that were sneaking up his torso and almost wrapping around his neck, push him back.

His wide eyes connect with yours as your eyelashes flutter open. “I’m sorry, I—” He starts, and both of your apologies come out over the other.

“N-no, no, it’s okay, I just wasn’t expecting it,”

“I’ve been wanting to do that all day,”

“It’s not that I didn’t like it,”

“And you wouldn’t shut up, so I—”

“Actually, I think I did like it—”

“What?” You both ask at the same time, registering what the other was saying.

Can he sense the rapid beating of your heart? Is that why his smile keeps widening?

You're sure the warmth you feel growing on your face is visible from a mile away. Concealing your thoughts and feelings is hard in his eyes. He reads you like an open book, there's no way he can't see the fireworks he just lit up in you.

For the first time since knowing Seokmin, no words come out of your mouth, too focused on the growing electricity all around. You pushed him away, but he’s still close, too close. His kiss’ repercussions in your body and soul aren’t disappearing, the feeling of his lips against yours so palpable you’d think they were still there.

All the times you found yourself contemplating how it’d feel to kiss your best friend, and all the times you ushered the thought away, the conclusion was always a negative one. Everything would change, it wouldn’t work, or he’d hate you.

But now, he isn’t backing away, there isn’t disgust in his eyes, which haven’t left your lips since you separated. You’re still you, and he’s still him, standing in his kitchen, using the narrowness of it as an excuse for your closeness.

“You did that to shut me up,” you repeat the last part of his confession.

“And you liked it,” he chuckles again, but you catch as he takes another deep breath, a nervous tick he's always had.

“You're so annoying,” you mutter, with your lips still tingling from his touch.

“Yeah, but you're still gonna miss me.”

Maybe Seokmin knows you too well. Maybe he knows that his smirk and his stare going from your lips to your eyes make a mess of your organized mind. You had a plan for the night. A well thought out plan that didn’t include making eyes at each other and reconsidering your friendship.

“Yeah, I will,” you reply in a beat.

Because you will. Because the thought of being away while his life changes so much is scary. Because you’ll become nothing to him while he’s everything to you. Because you won't be with him while his dreams come true. Because you’ve been standing on the sidelines for so long, loving him more than you should.

And yet, he’s here now. Your Seokmin. Refusing to leave your side, with the buttons of his shirt enticingly open and his parted lips a remainder of where they just were. His stare’s lost on the lower part of your face, mind racing with thoughts you hope are similar to yours. Desire. Longing. Want.

Seokmin takes the tiniest step forward, enough to have your chests colliding. You’re not breathing, you can't, waiting for what his next move will be. His hands find their place on both sides of your waist, holding you in place even if there’s no chance you’re running away.

With his face so close, his breath fans over your awaiting lips, a sick game to have you at his mercy. His smile fades the closer he gets, eyeing you for what it feels like hours before asking, “Can I kiss you again?”

Your response is automatic, as if your body knew what he’d say. “Please.”

It comes out as a whisper, and you barely finish the word before he’s on you again.

All doubt is erased the second his lips mold with yours, evaporating into the steamy atmosphere. Letting yourself dwell in this re-kindled desire, you sigh as he dominates the new kiss, soft yet needy as his hands push your chest further against his.

Your hands find the back of his neck, threading with his hair and tightening your grip. Seokmin bites at your lower lip in retaliation. Both pushing and pulling, bringing the other closer until there’s no speck of space left between you.

The marble counter digs into your lower back, but that pain becomes the least of your worries when Seokmin’s tongue swipes your lower lip, asking for access. The mess of teeth and tongue flushes your whole body from top to bottom.

The lemon and spinach mix with the faint taste of wine as your tongues meet. It’s messy in a way you never thought Seokmin would kiss like.

How many girls had the honor of feeling him against them, his lips gliding over theirs instead of yours. All the opportunities you missed due to digging your feelings into a grave they’re now popping out of. You can’t help melting against him. Finally yours. 

A hunger you’ve never felt before runs through your veins, looking for a way to feel Seokmin everywhere all at once, to get back all the time you could’ve gotten with him. His muscles tense under your touch, hands wandering everywhere you can reach. You know he feels it too. The want.

You moan in his mouth, and something takes over him. His arms get loose before you feel his hands gripping at your thighs, lifting you up until you’re sitting on the counter. The frenziness of it all blurs your surroundings. The sound of Seokmin’s forgotten glass falling into the sink is merely a background noise along with the wet sounds echoing in the kitchen.

Like a magnet, his hips find your legs spread for him, pushing his growing hard against your core with the barest amount of desperation, and that has you moaning sloppily against him once again. Thank the universe for making you choose to wear a skirt for the party.

Wanting more of him, your hands make space to sneak between your chests, undoing the last buttons holding Seokmin’s white shirt together. His warm skin gets chills under your cold fingers. His lips go still on yours as you feel down his chest, breathing into your mouth the further down you get.

Years of forbidding yourself even from peeking at him if he was showing a bit of skin. Years of wondering how his golden skin would feel against yours. Neither the past or the future matter. Now, you’re nothing more than two people looking to fulfill years of accumulated longing.

You tease his hardness over his jeans, earning a groan against your throat as Seokmin kisses down your neck. The both of you refuse to take your hands off the other, making it a chore to unbuckle the expensive belt he's wearing.

“Are we doing this?” Seokmin asks, voice hoarse against your skin.

In the haze of his hands on your ass and his lips pressing on your pulse point, feeling the acceleration, there's no time to doubt what you want.

“If you have a condom, then yes.”

Like the human of the male species he is, Seokmin takes out one out of his wallet at your request. He lays it on the table with a smirk, lips red and swollen all because of you.

“Should we talk about it?” He asks again when he feels your hands toying with the hem of his jeans.

The few layers of clothes don't do anything to hide Seokmin's bulge pressing against your core. And his hands go up and down the sides of your thighs, to tease you more or to draw your attention, you’re not sure, but it sends waves of arousal crashing through your body.

“What’s there to talk about?” It sounds stupid the second it leaves your mouth.

What should you say? That things won’t change after this? That things changed already? That you wanted this for so long you forgot how life was like before him? Too much talk. Too many feelings you don’t want to deal with just yet.

Seokmin looks at you, a mix of desire and scepticism all across his face. “You know—”

“Let’s just,” you interrupt him before he says anything that could break you, “see how it goes. We can talk after, but I need you right now.”

His throat bobs at your words. A fight going on in his mind that your hands interfere with, caressing his lower back.

“We don’t have to if you’re not sure.” You can pretend this never happened if he's doubting everything.

He takes another deep breath, releasing in half a moan that does nothing if not encourage the pulsing of your core against his. And you're sure he can feel it.

“Seok—” His mouth smashes against yours, cementing his decision.

Melting at his touch again is easy. The sound of fabric and metal hitting the floor draws your attention to the lack of another layer between you. He's big. Big in a way you know you'll feel his stretch for days after.

Your legs wrap around Seokmin's hips, pushing him so closely against you there isn't a single atom separating your bodies. His mouth on yours is merciless, his tongue working as if trying to memorize every crevice.

“I really, really want to eat you out,” he sighs into your lips.

“Nothing's stopping you, driver boy.”

Seokmin sees it in your eyes. A glint of desire that mirrors his. “You have the next world champion between your legs and you’re making jokes?”

Your eyes are locked with his as he sinks to his knees, his hands holding your thighs open until you're all he can see. His gaze turns hazy, descending down your heaving body until it lands on your poorly clothed core. His fingers hook on your sides, leaving you bare for his eyes to see.

The kitchen grows hot with every second Seokmin spends admiring the mess of juices he caused with a few kisses. All you want is for the ache to stop, to shrink before his stare and be satisfied from the years-long accumulated desire.

He takes you in, just millimeters away from where he wants and almost tipping you over the edge of the counter.

An experimental lick between your folds makes you both mutter equally hungry curses. His breath against your wet core drives a shiver up your body, followed by a rush of liquid fire through your veins.

“You haven’t—raced even o–once,” Half of his brain is paying attention to you talking, the other half concentrating on kissing your inner thighs and spreading your folds. Your pulse races, growing expectant seeing his lack of shyness. “You don’t have—fuck—bragging rights.”

Words get stuck as Seokmin attaches his mouth to your mound again, decided on making your brain scramble to make sense. 

He mumbles something in response, muffled by his tongue lapping at your juices and moaning like a starved man. You grip his hair, keeping him in place as the familiar fire begins to pool at the base of your stomach.

“I’m not—” he nods against your core, cutting away any possible thought from your head.

You feel his smirk against you, as if the embarrassingly quick way he has you done for him was amusing. He knows your signals, learned to interpret your body language, all for this moment. To please you correctly.

Delving his tongue in your entrance, your whole body quivers as his nose bumps against your clit. Your insides clench around nothing, walls begging to be stretched and dripping arousal for him to taste.

Your hand tightens on his hair as your hips grind against him, chasing the light ahead with your eyes shut tight.

“Fuck, you're so good,” your words feed his eagerness, now more determined to show you just how good he can make you feel.

Each swipe of his tongue gets faster and harder, and he doesn't seem to mind that your hand's keeping his head suffocatingly close to your core. You'd be worried if it wasn't for the mix of grunts echoing against the kitchen walls at every wave of arousal dripping out of you. He might even be enjoying it more than you.

His hands try to keep your legs open for him, but you lose control of your body feeling the coil snap hard at the flick of his tongue. It's his strong hold against the trembling of an earth-shattering orgasm sending trembles down your body.

Your body goes limp, weight falling back when you let loose Seokmin’s head and place your hands on the counter for support. He licks every sensitive part of your core, looking straight into your eyes as he cleans you up. A menace.

Oxygen takes work to get in your lungs. Mixed feelings colliding and getting your soul sucked out of you was not how you planned to end the day. But Seokmin gives you no time to ponder about it any longer.

His lips find yours once again, letting you taste yourself on his tongue. You bring him closer, attempting to get rid of his godforsaken shirt so you can see him properly.

“Are we in a rush?” He chuckles, but lets you take it off him without getting in your way.

“Mhm.” The plastic packet warms up in your hands before you tear it open and roll the condom down your friend's length. “If you're not in me in the next two seconds, I might die.”

“Glad you're not dramatic.” His hands grip your thighs wrapped around his waist like he has all the time in the world.

“I'll go home and take care of it myself, then.”

Something inside him snaps at your teasing. A mix of desire and wonder flashes through his eyes. But before you get to question it, you feel the head of his cock dragging along your lower lips.

He prods at your entrance, and for a second, you worry if it'll fit. Every cackle you let out at your romance books comes back at you like a boomerang in the form of your hot best friend filling you up and stretching your walls in new ways.

Seokmin's hips stutter when he's all the way in, your insides quivering around him trying to get used to the stretch.

“I need a second,” you say at the same time as he announces, “I'm not gonna last.”

Your bodies are so close, you're not sure who chuckles first, but the vibrations travel from chest to chest and all the way down.

Slowly, the dragging along your walls beats the uncomfortable position on the counter. Seokmin’s strong arms hold you against him, setting the pace with his hips and moving your body to wherever he wants.

You let him take control, indulging in every feeling he sparks. From his fingers digging into your flesh, to his cock gently prying you open with every stroke. His soft grunts by your ear only egg you further. Everything is him. Time should stop right this second and never resume.

Your nails scratch Seokmin’s back when he reaches that point that makes you squirm, and everything turns blazing hot.

Seokmin’s thrusts lose control, making you lose your breath as he lifts you off the counter and drills into you, searching for his orgasm. Your arms wrap around his neck, fearing your inevitable fall to the floor. But, once again, Seokmin’s full of surprises.

His biceps cage your torso to his, almost effortlessly keeping you in the air to thrust with no control. You take it all, everything he has to give as he mumbles nonsense praise into your ear.

Waves come crashing out of nowhere, and Seokming holds you through it all. Shaking in the air as your walls pulsing around him trigger his pending orgasm. You’re so sensitive you can feel his length twitching and unloading into the condom.

A choir of deep breaths and curses echo around the silent kitchen. Seokmin sets your limp body on the counter again, discarding the used condom in the trash. You should probably take care of that.

There’s so many things to do still. “We should finish cleaning up.” Your voice comes out half a whisper.”

Seokmin pulls his pants back up after retrieving your panties from wherever he threw them. Your body craves something. More. You don’t do silence. You can’t.

You could say something more, start a serious discussion about your friendship, about the future, his future.

But there’s so many things to do. Clean. Talk. Leave.

One of your hands flies across the narrow kitchen and finds Seokmin's wrist. His eyes haven't changed in the seconds of ruffling silence. A glare of hope flashes through them.

There's so many things to do. But only one that you want to.

Pulling him back against you is easy. Finding his lips and opening up for him again is even easier. He lets you take control, nods against the skin of your neck when you mumble instructions in his ear, and carries you across his empty apartment into his bedroom.

The coffee burns the roof of your mouth before you gulp it down. Hopefully, the warm drink will help the ache on every one of your muscles. The bitter taste makes your forehead hurt, the perfect excuse to hide your face behind the mug and ignore everything else.

A pair of eyes in front of you digs holes through every surface you put between you and him.

“If you don’t spill the beans in the next five minutes, I’m leaving.” Seungkwan’s voice tears the invisible wall down.

“I already told you what happened,” you mumble as you take another sip.

The cozy coffee shop near your place felt like a nice place to sit down and have a hard conversation at first. But now, the tired people who just want their morning coffee to go to work feel like they're judging you.

They must all see your messed up hair and realize you've been wearing the same clothes for over 24 hours. Even the shame must be seeping through your pores, filling the air inside the place with the distinct smell of embarrassment.

Looking everywhere but at your friend, you first hear his sigh, then his hands are taking your distraction away from you.

“You slept with Seokminnie,” he starts, and you mutter a chorus of r-rated curses that don’t do anything to stop him. “That doesn’t explain why you called me at 6 in the morning and forced me to have a terrible breakfast just hours before my flight.”

“I needed to eat something and you guys ate everything left last night,” you avoid the topic, and Seungkwan sighs dramatically, again.

“You didn't go to the airport.”

Seungkwan, with his judging eyes and exaggerated grunts, has been your voice of reason since forever. He lays it thick, rips the band-aid off, whatever you wanna call it. You need the shock, you need to hear the words from someone else. Maybe it makes sense if it's not coming from your own over-thinking mind.

“He probably doesn’t even want me there.”

“You know,” he sets your stolen mug on the table, ready to dig and poke until you give him what he wants, “for someone with that many master degrees, you’re pretty stupid.”

“What the hell, dude!” There's nothing throwable at your reach, so you slap his hand away from the table.

“Why are you being like this?”

“I think sleeping with my best friend is a very reasonable thing to freak out about.”

“You said it was good!”

Seungkwan’s eyes are as wide as bowling balls. The initial sex news didn't surprise him at all, but your stupidity seems to have reached unprecedented levels.

“Did you accidentally tell him you’re in love with him or something?”

There's a beat of glaring silence before you say, “you know I didn’t do that.”

It's a recurring thought that you're used to covering up with much more important subjects. It's something you're entirely too careful about to just blurb it out in the middle of a careless bone.

He checks out his notifications with a shrug. “That explains why he’s not replying to my texts and screaming at me, I guess.”

“You’re texting him?!”

Your arm flies into Seungkwan’s personal space a bit too late, and he instantly holds his phone out of your reach.

“Team business! Go away!”

You scoff, but his attention is now on texting someone. To your knowledge, everyone on the team had the same flight except for Seungkwan, who had to get one later for reasons he decided not to tell you. You're glad he's here, still, witnessing his most dumb friend.

“What the hell did you do?” He asks again after he locks his phone and puts it in his pocket.

“Nothing! I just woke up and left.”

Seungkwan glares at you. You glare back. He's no mind reader, but he must be seeing something in you, and you desperately want to find out what it is and hide it.

“What?”

“Did you talk, at least?” You shake your head. “Left a note?” Another shake. “Why?”

“I don’t know! I couldn’t stay there.”

You ghosted your psychologist months ago, but you know she'd say something about not being able to face the consequences of your actions. You'd argue that you just wouldn't want to hold Seokmin back from what he always wanted. Tie him to you and his past life.

“So, you’re making me your accomplice.”

“And I'm the dramatic one.” You don't know how many more eye rolls you have in you.

Seungkwan crosses his arms on the table, which means the conversation is now a serious one. “What should I say if he asks where I was? Or if you talked to me?”

“Just—” air leaves your lungs in a sigh. “Don’t tell him, please? I can’t talk with him right now.”

“You’re going to have to, eventually. You know that, right?”

“His mind should be on his race in a few days. He needs to train, and I don't want to bother him with useless drama.”

“He won't contact you if he thinks you want space.”

“I need space! I'm going to talk to him after I practice my speech. I promise.”

After life restarts, when your Seokmin-less days become the new normal and the dread keeps you company, you'll do it. When you're sure you can live without him.

“Okay, now that the freaking out is over, can you please tell me what happened? I want excruciating detail.” The last of your coffee finds the wrong pipe down your system and you choke at Seungkwan's ask. “It's like being inside a soap opera!”

—

Every muscle ached. The soft mattress you were laying on did nothing to help your body stop tensing, but there were two big arms keeping you close to a human-shaped heater.

His skin felt soft all around, nothing in between you and him but an invisible wall you began to build as soon as you gained consciousness. His sheets enveloping you smelled like him, sweet and expensive.

You almost closed your eyes back and pretended it was all a dream. You'd wake up and you'd be back at your place, just another more than friendly dream about your best friend. Nothing out of the ordinary. But you couldn't.

Reminders of the night all over the bedroom attacked you when you opened your eyes.

In the corner of the room, his luggage judged you as you tried to free yourself from his grip. The party clothes scattered around the floor, the used condoms on the bathroom bin, framed pictures of the two of you over the years. Every stage of your friendship plastered inside the four walls.

There was time before his alarm went off. The alarm that'd set off his bright future.

Getting dressed was the easy part. Covering every bit of skin of your body Seokmin made his, dressing up with the clothes he took off. Putting yourself back together.

Your face in the mirror was the first jumpscare you confronted. Tear stains decorated your cheeks, your natural make-up a mess on your skin. His mess. Your heart squeezed as you scrubbed your face with foamy soap, trying to hold off on tearing up and making noise.

Seokmin's deep unknowing breaths were all you heard. His eyes fluttered closed and the tiniest smile on his face broke you a little more inside. You'd just ruin him.

Somewhere in the living room was your forgotten bag, with your half-charged phone and two sets of keys to different apartments. Seungkwan must've put Seokmin's back inside your bag without you noticing.

Outside the bedroom, beginning to forget the night before was easier. Without the constant reminders, and his fingers so close to where you always wanted, the journey to forget began.

The last reminder made you jump. Green goo stuck to the dirty blender still on the counter, with a broken glass dumped in the sink, victim of two rushed people out of their mind.

For once, you wished you were drunk. You wished there was an external component to help you blur the events of the night. Memories that will inevitably hurt you and the friendship you've built for so many years.

Maybe, if you fuck up first, the heartache would be easier, too. If it was your fault, and not his. If you broke his heart before he had the chance to figure out he could do better.

Closing the door behind you, cementing your decision, was the hardest thing you did that morning.

—

“I should’ve known there was a vibe after that bullshit you told me about dying and whatever,” Seungkwan observes after carefully listening to your rendition of the morning.

“What are you talking about?”

“You were making a scandal about me drinking from your glass and then Seokmin came in and drank straight from your bottle. I couldn’t believe it, but you're both so weird I didn’t think much of it, and—”

His rambling continues, and you'd be offended by him calling you weird, if you weren't busy having slight memory issues.

“When did he—I don’t remember any of that.”

“Oh, but it happened. My memory never fails.” At your confused expression, he presses. “Were you that drunk?”

“I wasn’t drunk! And I made hangover smoothies after, I told you.”

Everything feels so natural with Seokmin, that sometime during your friendship you stopped paying attention to his actions so you wouldn’t overthink about what they meant.

“I still hate drinking from the same cup.”

“Oh,” Seungkwan wiggles his eyebrows and gets his hand slapped again, “It’s just your awful memory then.”

“Shut up, asshole. My memory’s just fine.”

Seungkwan checks his watch out of habit. He probably should already be leaving for the airport, needing to get there a few hours prior and all that.

“You need to go.”

You don’t want to keep him any longer. He also has his future ahead. Having an existential crisis can wait.

“I don’t want to leave you freaking out. What if you do something horrible? Like getting a face tattoo?”

“Fuck, I should cancel my appointment, then.” Seungkwan laughs, though skeptically. “I can figure it out, I promise.”

You know he's worried. About you, about Seokmin. His eyes analyze every micro-expression on your face, and you try to be as serious as possible.

“I'm always a text away,” he settles on saying. “A call too, but let's do those less often.”

“Don't worry about that. I need peace and quiet, and you talk too much.”

“Bitch,” he mutters and pretends to gather his things. But he should be doing it for real. 

“Okay, now leave!” You usher him away, leaving him no choice but to obey after making a scene. “Have a safe flight!”

“Hope you had safe sex!” He yells back, louder than he needs to.

“I hate you! And I hope your plane crashes!”

“I'll miss you, too!”

People stare at you, and now that Seungkwan's out the door and moving on, you care.

There's so much silence without him, just you with your thoughts and judging stares from the other clients in the café. The pressure’s there, all around you, to get it together.

Will you be able to live without Seokmin this time? Not just kilometers away from you, but actually ignoring you? It's your fault, there's no denying it. 

You'll get it together. You'll reach out to him first. Fix your friendship after fucking up tremendously. Easy.

The first few days pass with dread. Empty and gray. Sticking to your new routine is the way you found to not get lost in the emptiness, or in the unwanted thoughts.

Going back to college fills your every day. New classes to attend, assigned readings, essays. Anything you can do to stop the tsunami of thoughts, you do. But, if the three books and the open laptop in front of you prove something, it's that it’s not working.

You managed to snatch a table for yourself at the library—not that it was hard since no one willingly is on campus on a Saturday afternoon, decided on putting your mind to work on something. But you’re not stressed enough to do school work yet, and the people all around you talk so loudly, you find yourself listening to them to pass the time.

Gossip about people you don’t know is always interesting. Some girl kissed her friend’s ex at a party, another girl failed her first exam in her life, then a muscular guy chased the librarian around to look for something too specific. Fun to hear, but you take your phone out anyway. Less possibilities to form a thought.

You sip from your untouched black coffee on the table, only to realize it’s not coffee and it's not yours. It’s what Seokmin always drinks: a matcha with three packets of sugar. You always put his order first, and you must’ve automatically ordered his favorite instead of yours this time. Embarrassing.

The green drink goes down your throat with a sting.

Scrolling through social media, you can't escape your wrong-doings, or your algorithm. The timeline’s filled with clips and posts from the Qualifying, mostly people complaining about their favorite driver's position on the grid for Sunday.

There's only one person you'd share tweets with and laugh about the ridiculousness of some people's opinions.

Further down, you see what you were half avoiding, half expecting to see.

“Lee Seokmin, eliminated in Q1.”

You had talked about it, the possibility of him not doing great during the first races. Even though your little knowledge of how races work and his refusal to tell you the team's strategies snowballed in your brain into the idea that it was impossible for him to do poorly.

Starting P16 isn't bad for a first race in a Grand Prix. It can't be! Your fingers itch to text him, to encourage him, somehow. His chat glows on your screen, almost growing cobwebs from the inactivity.

Seungkwan was right. You knew it even before he said it out loud. Seokmin wasn't going to contact you first, he'd wait until you were ready to talk, not wanting to pressure you.

His profile picture taunts you. A photo you took yourself over time he came to visit. He'd made you drive him to the beach and you watched him surf for hours, not without hearing at least five pleas for you to join him.

You had your fun, staring into the ocean, seeing Seokmin riding the waves infuriatingly well. Was there nothing he was bad at? You remember taking your phone out, recording him riding the tallest wave you'd seen until then. Then a picture, and more as he came out of the water and ran to you with the biggest, proudest smile on his face.

Your stomach turns. That won't ever happen again. You're sure he'll never direct a smile that is happy and warm to you ever again.

You lock your phone and put it away before you do something stupid. He's probably busy for the race the next day. A text from you will only make things worse, you're sure.

—

Against your better judgement, and breaking your promise to not think about a certain driver, you find yourself seated in front of your small TV. Your inner alarm clock woke you up almost automatically to catch the tests before the race starts.

Race Day craze was all over your social media, with clips of every driver and predictions being almost inescapable. You couldn't catch the pre-race interview some driver is always subjected to, but you're on time for everything else.

Seokmin's face fills your screen before you have the chance to open the camera app. The dark blue uniform makes him look serious, his smile nowhere to be seen on his concentrated face.

The last time you saw him, he was peacefully sleeping on his bed with his lips curled. That Seokmin looks nothing like the one being filmed as he puts on the colorful helmet and gets in the car.

Your heart pounds inside your chest as if you were the one about to drive, and a mix of nervousness and excitement reverberates from your head to your toes. For a moment, even if your best friend hates your guts, you're as happy for him as you've ever been.

Regret. A painful regret punches you in the gut. He doesn't look sad, but there’s something missing in him. The little wrinkles beside his eyes, that shine of warm happiness that followed him everywhere.

Seokmin hates you. He has to. You changed everything then dipped before you could make sense of what happened, together. The Seokmin you see on your screen must no longer be your best friend. Not even your friend.

You look at his contact again, unsure if he'd want you to reach out after all. You lost him for good. All the hope you've harbored trying to get your feelings in order, now gone.

His voice coming from the speakers startles you. It’s important for drivers to check if their mic and radio work, and usually they’ll just say nonsense or sing a song they like so their engineers know what the issue is, if there’s any.

The last time you heard his voice, he was mouthing lust-filled nonsense against your naked back. 

Then, the first lines of a song you thought Seokmin would never sing in public reach your ears.

“You're insecure, don't know what for.”

You cackle as your eyes go back to the screen. You can’t see his face under the helmet, except for his crescent moon shaped eyes as he sings.

“You're turning heads when you walk through the door.”

Could there be hope?

To everyone listening on the paddock and at home watching the TV, Seokmin’s just singing a 2011 pop staple. But, to you, it’s a sign that your best friend might not hate you after all.

Countless were the karaoke nights you sang that song together until your lungs couldn’t take it anymore. Seokmin, as always, gave the performance of his life every single night, out-singing you and your pitchy screams.

But it wasn’t about the singing. That song became a joke between you two. You’d hear it in the supermarket and you had to send him a voice message. When it came on the radio, you’d look at each other with twinning grins and burst out laughing. It was your song, and now, he’s singing it knowing the whole world is watching him.

Does he know you’re watching too? He has to know you’d never miss something so important to him. You waited for him outside a class after your first fight. You paid for his meal one time you argued and he left the restaurant. Across the timeline of your friendship, you fought so many times, but never failed to be there for him.

People laugh off screen, and Seokmin keeps singing until they tell him everything's working fine. He concentrates on the car and the circuit in front of him, arms tensing as he fixes his posture.

Seokmin starts the race quickly after, and you watch it all with more enthusiasm than ever. You don't want to miss any detail to make sure you tell him everything after.

Unfortunately, he doesn't earn any points for the championship. But ending at P17 isn't bad at all! Sometimes finishing the race in one piece is all that matters, or so Seokmin said a lot of times after you made fun of him during his F2 era.

From the way he gets out of the car, you can tell he's disappointed. His slouched shoulders that don't match the weak smile he shows the camera give it away.

A few reporters rush to shove their mics in Seokmin’s face, ignoring the sweat dripping down from his hair onto them. You barely hear some of the questions thrown his way, but he picks some one by one and answers perfectly.

“How do you feel after your first race?”

He rakes his fingers through his damp hair before answering, “It was all I ever dreamed. A little disappointed at the result, but now I can only go up!”

His answer eggs the reporter on, who chuckles as the few that didn't get their questions chosen move on to other drivers.

“It was a good start today, but you couldn't recover the spot you lost after the pit stop.”

“It was unfortunate, yeah. The soft tyres we changed into degraded quickly and I couldn't gain back any spot,” Seokmin replies expertly. “Still, I'm happy to have finished, and I hope I have a good season ahead!”

“Your family must be very proud of you, seeing you race after being a reserve driver for so long.” The reporter sounds captivated by Seokmin, continuing with the interview when he could’ve stopped after the race feedback.

“I hope they are,” he chuckles and your stomach turns. “Everybody back home was excited to see me today.”

“I'm sure they’re waiting to call you as soon as you’re done here.”

“I’ll be waiting by the phone, mom!”

There’s no denying the natural charm Seokmin delivers with each word. His answers are all effortless, and he doesn’t look bored or bothered by the questions. You knew it before, but it gets clearer and clearer that that’s where he’s meant to be.

“Anyone special back home? Any girl you’re hoping to impress?”

Seokmin chuckles with embarrassment, and you feel heat rushing up your cheeks.

“There might be. I'm not sure, yet.”

“C'mon! Now you're a professional driver, who would let you get away?”

“I wish it was up to me,” he chuckles again with an unreadable expression. “It was good talking to you, man! See you after the next race!”

“Sure will!” The reporter replies and the next driver shows up on screen. But your eyes follow Seokmin's figure blurring further and further in the background until he disappears.

You can fix this. You won’t let your stubbornness get in between him and you. He gave you the sliver of hope you needed. Whether he meant it or not.

Bitter taste envelops your tongue from biting your nails, and you're sure you're carving a hole on your floor from pacing in circles. Your phone stares at you from the other side of your room, laughing at you.

Every minute that passes after the race that you’re not calling Seokmin is a wasted one. There really are only two options: either you call him and confront your mistake, or you never talk to each other again.

Both scenarios would result in losing him. Though, living in a world where Seokmin isn’t a part of your daily life seems even worse than admitting your feelings out loud. There has to be a way to keep him by your side still.

Seokmin’s picture shows up on your screen. Your phone is in your hand and you’re calling him. Blood pumps faster and faster from your heart, but there’s no time to panic.

“Hi,” Seokmin’s voice buzzes through the line.

The shock of him not ignoring your call makes you unable to speak for a few seconds. You were panicking so much, you forgot to rehearse what you were going to say to him.

“Hi, loser,” you say quietly over the silence.

His guard is up, no trace of a smile in his tone as he replies, “You saw the race.”

“I told you I wouldn’t miss it.”

Your earnest words fade into the awkward silence. You knew you'd have to push through it to get him to hear you. The next questions mumble out of your lips, so quickly you regret them instantly.

“How are you? How’s the fame treating you?”

“It’s fine. Nothing really changed, just more people watching.” His tone's flat like never before.

“I hope you're not too bummed about the result. I know you're going to do great in the coming races!”

He only hums in response.

The deafening silence creates a black hole inside your room, sucking any idea you could possibly get to alleviate the awkwardness. He’s waiting for you to talk, that’s clear.

“Listen, I wanted to talk to you, about…” the words take work to get out of you, and in the end, it doesn’t even sound like you intend to. “What happened at the party.”

“You left,” he says, with simplicity, with hurt.

“I panicked,” you rush to half-explain. “I'm sorry.”

There’s so much more behind your words, so many things you can’t bring yourself to address out loud.

“We could’ve talked about it, together.”

“I know. I know you wanted to.”

Seokmin's doing a great job at presenting the facts, but not helping you form a forgiveness-earning speech. Dryness was expected from his part, but you didn’t expect words to be so hard to find after hearing his voice.

“There’s no excuse for what I did. I was awful. I shouldn’t have left and I shouldn’t have ghosted you all week when it was so important for you.” Your throat tightens as tears begin brimming from your eyes. “I’ve been a terrible friend, and I’m truly sorry.”

The line falls dead as he considers your apology. Knowing how important this race and the entire week was for him, you don’t expect Seokmin to forgive you easily. You don’t even deserve it. And if he’s willing to give you another chance, you’ll work hard to earn his trust again.

You can almost picture his face as he breaks the silence. “I didn't mean for it to change things between us.”

Seokmin's words leave a sour aftertaste, even though it’s what you wanted to hear. He wants to stay friends. You should be thrilled.

“Good,” you exhale. “I don't want things to change either.” If there’s disappointment in your voice, he shows no signs of realizing.

“I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“No, stop that.” You jump in place. “You didn't do anything wrong. It was me who ran away like a coward.”

“You're right,” he chuckles in response, and a sense of familiarity takes over the call. “And I had to clean the blender.”

“Fuck! I'm sorry for that, too.” He's back to teasing you, and you're easily embarrassed.

You laugh together as if everything was okay again. As if the ghost of his fingers on your skin and his tongue on yours didn't wake you up every night in a cold sweat.

“Can we just—It may not be fair for me to ask you this, but, can we pretend it didn't  happen?”

It. You can't even say it.

His breathing slows, thinking carefully. You fear you're about to lose him, again.

“I don't want us to fight,” you over-explain, and he sighs.

“Me neither.”

“And you actually can't be mean to your fans, so, you'll be forced to talk to me no matter what.”

After what it feels like years, your body relaxes. Hearing him chuckle because of you again feels good, warm, right.

“You're my fan now?”

“I've always been. Ever since you got your driver's license.”

You're so honest, the rest of the truth almost slips out. But it's not fair to him. You can't just blurt everything out over a call and expect him to be okay with it.

Instead, you let him ramble about the car, the race and the team. And you hear and comment about every detail. Because you're also excited for him.

You talk for hours, and the awkwardness fades away as the call progresses. With you telling him how it feels to go back to college and him explaining the differences between f1 and f2 to help you understand things for the next races.

He doesn't have to know that you googled everything the day before. You're happy he's willing to talk to you like everything is normal again. You won't waste your second chance.

Your windbreaker jacket fights for its life against the storm you didn't realize was coming into town until it was too late.

The rain and you have become one.

Your socks stick uncomfortably to your feet inside your drenched sneakers, and you can only hope the jacket covered your bag enough so your things didn’t get ruined.

You enter your building, in a better mood now that there’s a roof over your head after walking from the bus stop. Almost instantly, you open the camera app, take a photo of your soaked hair sticking to your face and send it to Seokmin before hopping on the elevator.

In hopes of restoring most of the normalness you’re able to, you’ve begun texting every day with him, mainly with mundane updates about your days that easily turn into conversation.

A new notification makes your phone buzz in your hand, and your heart races with anxiety and excitement; the new mix of feelings you started getting when talking with Seokmin.

Getting a text from your best friend shouldn't feel giddy, it shouldn't draw an instant smile on your face and make your hands tremble.

Still, you try. You try to answer his questions about your new major as a best friend would. You send him posts you see on your timeline about the racing season, and he sends you memes about university. You try not to zoom in on the mirror selfies he sends daily and try not to remember the feeling of being wrapped in those same arms.

It's late at night for you, but for Seokmin, the day just started. ‘Heading out to train’, said his last message before your storm selfie. That was over half an hour ago.

You change into dry clothes and flop down on your couch as your blood pressure drops seeing his new texts.

‘You need to stop your hate for umbrellas’, reads the immediate response to your photo. You'd argue that it wasn't your refusal to carry umbrellas this time, and you genuinely didn't know it was going to rain. But the next few texts restrict the oxygen flow to your brain.

Seokmin's sitting sideways, with his full body on display and his side profile almost testing you from far away. The angle makes it so the empty gym occupies most of the photo-space, but your eyes don't see anything else other than him.

Two dumbbells sit at the sides of his feet, probably unused as he doesn't look sweaty yet. The black shorts he's wearing don't do anything to hide his thigh muscles as they tense from the position he's in. Muscles you felt slapping against your own not long ago.

Deep inside you, a sliver of guilt appears, trying to overshadow the turmoil beginning to pool at the pit of your stomach.

You've tried to push down everything Seokmin makes you feel that you shouldn't. But it's so hard when the very sight of his body takes you back to that night again.

The lights inside your home remain off. You forgot to turn them on when you came in, and only a few rays of the street lampposts bleed through your curtains. It's so dark, it's easy to step over the embarrassment and let the desire, that you fought so hard to hide, win.

As your hand pushes down past the hem of your jeans, the inner fight going on in your mind blurs completely. That night is burned on your eyelids like a tattoo. It follows you everywhere you go, but it’s forever only in your mind.

Your body quivers imagining Seokmin’s hands are touching you and not yours. You burn with embarrassment and lust, body flushed as his muscles flex below you. How it would feel to have his fingers inside you, longer, deeper, and looking to please you until you’re done for.

The ghost of that night drives you to the finish line. Sticky, tired, and knowing it can never happen again.

Your phone buzzes on the table with more notifications. You never answered him, blinded by what isn’t real.

If Seokmin notices you leaving him on read for a suspicious amount of time, he doesn’t comment on it. His next few texts are all complaining about the new routine they have him on, but then saying he enjoys the challenge and seeing the results.

Those results are going to make your life really hard moving forward.

When old people complain about the new generation being addicted to their phones, you always argue that it’s the new way we have, as a society, to learn new things every day. Sure, you can get misinformation from anyone, even on the internet, but the easier access makes everything faster.

Besides, the older generation is just as addicted as they claim others to be. You’d go even as far as to say that it’s worse for them.

You would, but you’ve been proving old people right for the past few days.

For Fridays to be your busiest day of the week, full of classes and group meet-ups for projects, your screentime resembles too closely the one of a 10 year old addicted to tiktok. You’ve been constantly checking your notifications for the past two days, and always see your lockscreen empty.

Waiting for your order at the coffee shop you had a heart to heart with Seungkwan a few weeks ago, it just looks like Seokmin decided to hate you again.

Reeling back to when you apologized, everything seemed fine! Your last text conversation didn’t differ from how you’ve been talking.

If you did something to pass him off again, it would be nice for him to tell you for once.

The bartender's loud voice startles you out of your thoughts. “Iced matcha latte!”

You groan at your changing coffee order but take the cup from the worker regardless. The table you've become a regular off is empty, and you sit on your self-assigned chair to contemplate your life's twists and turns.

The text conversations with Seokmin don't stray far away from friendly updates and banter here and there. He hasn't been available for calls either, so you know you didn't slip and said something you weren't meant to.

The last picture Seokmin sent you catches your attention. He had the day off and his teammate invited him to spend the day at his yacht.

Blueish teal water surrounds him, but even if there's nothing inherently insinuating about the picture, you can't avoid looking at his face for longer than necessary. Your eyes then steer to his naked shoulders, imagining what's below the edge of the photo.

You've sunk your teeth on those shoulders, felt that very same nose against your core and came so hard you forgot how to breathe.

Seungkwan’s name flashes on your screen with an incoming video call, making you jump on your seat and gaining you a few weird looks. 

After taking a deep breath, you check your airpods are still connected before accepting the call.

“I can't believe I have to call you myself to get in touch with you!” He accuses as soon as you pick up.

You try your best not to gasp too loud. “You told me not to call you!”

“A text wouldn't hurt either,” Seungkwan rolls eyes. “And I know you've been texting ‘Mister Yacht Party’, so don't tell me you haven't had time.”

With everything going on, and you trying to ignore anything even remotely related to Seokmin in case you slip up, you’ve forgotten about the other relationships in your life too. Your incapability to interact normally with Seokmin made you grow apart from everyone, in case they ask, in case they realize.

“Okay, I yield. I'm sorry, I should've texted you.”

Seungkwan, even if he knows what happened, is still as busy as Seokmin. You didn’t want to bother him with your college girl problems.

“Thank you. That's nice to hear.” He shows a genuine smile. “How have you been?”

“Classes and group projects and all. I don't want to annoy you with my boring routine.”

“Not that I like being annoyed, but you should tell me anyway! It's not boring to me if you like what you’re doing.”

It's heartwarming and annoyingly sweet of him, and you'd tear up if you weren't in public. “Thank you, really, but I want to talk about you! The new hotshot mechanic in Formula 1!”

His ears grow red with embarrassment. “I'm just observing the actual mechanics do their job for now.”

“That's how you learn! They'll eventually ask you to hold some tools and then you'll be working with the cars in no time!”

“Let’s hope the universe hears you,” he chuckles his words out.

In the background, you see a shadow of a figure moving before hearing Seokmin's voice. You don't quite get what he's saying to Seungkwan, but your body freezes as their focus goes away from you.

You haven't called Seokmin since you apologized weeks ago, because he's busy and you still received his daily updates anyway. But his recent silence put a stop to any progress you thought you made.

A door closes on Seungkwan’s side of the call, and his attention comes back to you. You have to pretend to be cool about it.

“So, how do you feel about that new lifestyle of his? Partying with famous people and all.”

“It doesn’t matter what I think. I’m a mechanic, not his manager,” he throws you a glitchy knowing look. “I'd like it more if he found a way to get me invitations, though.”

“I'm sure they all invite their teams to their rich men hangouts.”

“Well, they invite their friends and I'm trying to replace you.” You're about to argue when he continues, “But I'm not letting his dick anywhere near me, so I guess I'm at a disadvantage.”

You choke on your drink. “Don't say that out loud! What if he hears you? Oh my God.”

“Oh, don't be dramatic.” His evil smirk shows you no compassion. 

Your eyes scan the café in search of any wandering stares. “I shouldn’t have told you anything.”

“Too bad, you can't regret it now!” Seungkwan tries, but your worried expression doesn’t go away. “Don't worry about your sex drama. He just left anyway, he won't hear.”

The little information about Seokmin piques your interest. You guess it's his day off, since Seungkwan isn't working either, but he clearly had plans. You're not part of them. You haven't been for days now.

“Where did he go? He hasn't texted me in days.”

At your question, Seungkwan's expression turns. “Oh, shit,” he mutters under his breath.

“Are you kidding? What? What happened?”

“No, it's nothing. I'm sure he'll tell you.”

“So, there is something.” Nothing Seungkwan says helps calm you down.

“I didn't say that.”

“Come on. Did I upset him? Is he avoiding me? Is he getting drunk with Charles Leclerc again? Or worse, with Max Verstappen?”

Is it possible that Seokmin simply got tired? Maybe he realized texting wasn’t enough to keep a relationship going and decided to pursue something within his reach.

“You didn't do anything,” he sighs. You can't tell exactly why.

“Then, what? Where did he go?”

“He's doing something for his publicist.”

Whatever you thought his answer would be, that isn’t it. You didn’t even know Seokmin had a publicist, though it makes sense since he’s a public figure.

At your expectant face, Seungkwan realizes you need much more information than what he’s providing. “I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

“I'm going to fly wherever you are with the sole purpose of snapping your head off.”

“You don't scare me. You can't run a full block without getting the air knocked off you!”

“Besides the point! Just tell me already! I have no one to gossip with about famous people besides you, come on.” It's just gossip, you repeat to yourself. Celebrity gossip.

“Fine, but don't freak out, okay? Promise?” You nod, unsure but determined to know. “He's… on a date.”

For a second, your heart stops. “A date.”

“A PR date.” You glare at him, confused and paralyzed. “You know, when two managers arrange a dinner with two famous people to, like, boost their popularity.”

“Why the hell should he boost his popularity? He's a driver, not a fucking pop singer.”

“I know jack shit about marketing, don't ask me!” Seungkwan throws his free hand in the air, with his eyes wide at your reaction.

Your mood drops to new lows. If you weren't in a busy café, you're sure your throat would begin closing as a warning for incoming tears.

“Look. They just have to be seen hanging out. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It sounds like something if this is why he's been avoiding me.”

“I'm sure he has his reasons.”

If it was just a PR strategy, Seokmin would text you complaining about it. At least past Seokmin would have. The Seokmin you didn't ruin.

Any effort you were doing to seem uninterested fades. “Who is she?”

“Nope! We're not doing this.”

“W-why?”

“Because it doesn't matter!” Seungkwan almost yells.

“It does! His publicist team wouldn't choose someone random. They at least have to seem to have chemistry.”

This is what you were afraid of, Seokmin finding new people and realizing you're not worth the trouble. It makes perfect sense he'd want to stop contacting you altogether.

“You didn't even know what a PR date was 5 minutes ago. You don't know how it works.”

“But it makes sense! You can't deny that.”

“I can. And I will,” he asserts. “You shouldn't overthink about it. It's just a one time thing.”

“Yeah, you're right.” Just a one time thing. “I don't care.”

“Good.” Seungkwan exhales in relief. But his relaxation is short-lived.

“I don't care if he dates! He has all the right to.”

“Oh, boy,” he mutters as you start your ramble.

“He's a free, single man who just became famous. Of course he has all kinds of beautiful women lining up for a chance.”

“That’s not what I meant, just saying.”

“It's a matter of time before he gets married to a beautiful and rich model who'll give him children with symmetrical faces and buy them designer onesies.”

“Your twisted mind keeps surprising me, years after years.”

“It's not twisted, I'm being realistic.”

Being realistic is the only way you can save yourself from bad situations. You set the expectations low enough that nothing surprises you, nothing tears you down, because you were prepared.

You and Seokmin are nothing more than friends. If you were anything more, the distance and his new relationships would make everything harder. With your busy college schedule and his training, there could be nothing else.

You'd hold him back. And that would be worse than seeing him date anyone else.

The next day, the news and social media are filled with photos of the new hot couple out to dinner. But you don't allow yourself to care more than you should.

The numbness helps. Even if your eyes itch at every new angle of the two of them talking at the table. Even if he shows her that same smile that makes your stomach flutter. Even if that girl isn't you. It shouldn't be you. It could never be.

After the spectacle the day before, you should’ve expected to find that girl’s face in the foreground as soon as you turn on your TV. You gave Seungkwan’s words some thought and believed him when he said it wasn’t something to worry about, that it was just a one time thing. It certainly is not.

They came into the paddock with their arms interlocked, ready for the cameras to show them to the whole world. As Seokmin went to get ready, she stood on his team’s side, with her effortless beauty and perfect fitting outfit.

The sour mood kept getting worse as the race preparations started. Seokmin doesn't hesitate and radio checks like normal, no singing involved.

It's your fault really. You had your expectations too high for the reality you live in. Seokmin’s not going to sing One Direction before every race to get your attention. Stupid.

The first hour blurs past with a debilitating heartache. Every time Seokmin does a successful overtake, the camera focuses on his new date. Her reactions fuels social media just as much as him doing well.

You don’t catch the rest of the race. You mentally can't handle it.

It's late in the evening, so the cashier at the supermarket doesn't look at you weird for buying a ridiculously priced red wine. It's too late when you realize the brand you gravitated towards.

The race is on its last laps when you get back. Your eyes stick to the screen, that you forgot to turn off when storming out, even if you don't want to. It's a tense game of overtaking, falling behind and the ranking changing with each lap before it finishes with Seokmin positioning P11.

You watch as he celebrates with his team. Everyone with smiles on their faces and palming Seokmin on the back. And she's also there.

He was really close to gaining points for the championship, which is huge for a new driver. You know he's probably at it inside his head, telling himself that he should've placed in the top 10.

The sports channel's now airing an old basketball tournament, formula 1 long gone from your screen. You stare at it blankly, with only Seokmin’s face as he got out of his car in your mind. You want to tell him that he did awesome. That no matter the position he ended at, with all the maneuvers he managed against the other drivers, he cemented himself as someone to watch out for.

You turn the TV off and head to bed, hugging the unopened wine bottle and trying to convince yourself not to do anything you'll regret. You know it's too late when you hear his voice over the speaker.

“Hi?” The sound of a door closing echoes through the line.

Once again, you called him. Instead, this time, there was no hope that he'd answer.

“Congrats on today.” There's no cheer on your tone. “You did great.”

“Thank you. I just got to the hotel.” You hum in response, not knowing what else to say. “I-I wondered if you were watching.”

“I was.”

Silence follows your affirmation. He didn’t expect you to call. You didn't think you would either.

“I'm guessing you saw…”

“I couldn’t really ignore it,” you say dryly.

“I was going to tell you but-”

You interrupt him, “It's okay if you didn't want to.” You know you have no right to be upset by a date, he doesn't owe you an explanation.

“I wanted to.”

“Oh.” He doesn't owe you an explanation. Doesn't matter how bad you want one.

“I just didn't know how.”

You think about it for a second. Does that mean he can just ghost you entirely? Do you have the right to complain when you did the same thing not long ago?

“I missed you these past days,” you decide to admit. “You didn't need to go all silent treatment on me.”

“I'm sorry, I really am. It was just—a weird situation.”

“Kwannie told me about it.”

“That weasel,” Seokmin mutters. “Yeah, he knew ‘cause I was with him when my manager called me.”

You chuckle, fixing your posture and laying face up in bed. “He didn't want to tell me but I forced him.”

For a second, everything feels normal again. Your smile shows back up as you stare at the ceiling, hearing Seokmin laugh lightly at what you said. He’s still your best friend.

You hear ruffles of sheets on his side. He's also in bed. “Why did you want to know?” If you shut your eyes, you could picture him laying with you.

“Why did I want to know the reason why my best friend was ignoring me?”

“Okay, fair. I'm sorry, again.”

“I was actually sad, you know,” you chuckle your words out. “I bought wine to get sad drunk and all.”

“Are you drunk in bed? What time is it?” Your stomach does a funny flip at his concerned tone, but you push it back down.

“I know it’s barely after noon for you, but it’s night time here,” you remark before taking a deep breath. “I didn't open the wine. I called you instead.”

“Good, ‘cause you can't be trusted when you're wine-drunk.”

“Okay, now I'm getting offended! When have I ever misbehaved when drunk?” You regret the teasing question as soon as it leaves your lips.

“Do I have to remind you of the last time we drank a whole bottle of red wine each?”

The conversation was going there regardless, but you still lose your breath at his mention. The forbidden topic. You shouldn’t be talking about it, but you need to clarify something to him before trying to delete it from your memory. It’s not much of a confession, you just need to get it out there.

“I wasn’t drunk.”

“I know,” he replies almost too quickly.

“It wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing.”

Seokmin might’ve initiated the kissing and touching, but you were just as eager as him. After all that time, he was kissing you like it meant something, and it was easy to ignore the uncertain future when his hands were on you and he was licking his way into your mouth so good.

“After you left, I just thought-”

“You shouldn’t worry. You didn't do anything wrong.”

The burden of that morning comes creeping into your mind. He still sounds hurt talking about it, and you wouldn't hold it against him if he still resented you.

“I know you don't want to remember it.” His words are so quiet you almost break. He might’ve forgiven you, but you didn't mend the wound you left him with.

“It's not that. I-” You want to explain, but you can't finish the thought.

“It's okay.”

“But it's not!” The darkness allows you to speak your feelings out loud. In the pitch black of your room, no one can judge you. “I do remember it. Like, a lot. And it's embarrassing.”

From the other side of the line, only breathing sounds can be heard. You shouldn't have said anything. You need to learn to shut up and stop making everything weird.

“I remember it, too,” he replies, shy and quiet. “Every day.”

Oh. Goosebumps creep up your body, your blood sizzling traveling through your veins from head to toe.

You want to believe him so bad. “You don't have to say that just because I did.”

“I'm not. You need to stop putting words in my mouth.” Seokmin sounds severe, tired of going around circles but never getting to the point.

“I can't really see your reactions through a call.” You try to hide your nervousness behind a chuckle. “You could be making puking faces and I wouldn't know.”

“Isn't my word enough?”

“It's not. Sorry,” you chuckle again. What else can you do?

“Close your eyes,” he instructs.

“For what?” You ask, incredulously, but still do as he says.

“Close your eyes. Imagine me there, like we're talking face to face.” He sounds so calm, all while your thoughts reel looking for an answer as to what he's doing. “Are you laying down?”

“Yes.”

“What would you say if I was there?”

“I-I don't know.” Your voice shakes, anxious and expectant.

“If you were here with me, I'd be the happiest man in the world,” Seokmin admits, and your heart stops.

“Aren't you happy living your dream?”

“It's not the same if you're not here watching.”

“But you did well today!”

“And I wanted to celebrate with you. But you weren't there.” While the celebration seemed nice on TV, he's telling you another story. “I didn't go out with them. I came straight here to the hotel. I was about to call you when I saw your name on the screen.”

Your legs shake lightly with excitement. All that sadness you felt taking over you dissipated with each of his words.

“I missed you. So I called.”

“I'm glad you did.”

Ending the conversation at this moment, switching the topic even, would be the wise decision. You didn't have a single drop of alcohol, but your mouth is unrestricted.

“I wish I was there with you for real. Not in your imagination.” You swallow hard, but it's not enough to stop your blabbering. “I don't like not being with you.”

After a pause, Seokmin finally speaks up again, "You could be.”

You chuckle in disbelief. “I can't go to a race.”

“I don't mean to a race. Or at least, not just one.” You're speechless, scavenging in your mind for any other thing he could be talking about. At the silence, Seokmin continues, “You could be with me.”

“What are you saying? Seokmin, please.”

“C'mon,” he spits out, as if it was obvious. “You know.”

“Know what? I was just saying-”

“You know how I feel about you.”

—

The bed dipped where your bodies were tangled together. It was too hot, your skin glistening with sweat, but neither of you cared.

His arms wrapped around your waist, flushing your back against his chest to keep you from escaping. You were too sleepy to even think of the possibility. His steady breath and the beating of his heart were more calming than anything.

Nothing seemed real. Your eyelids felt heavy after being up all night, and you were sure the sun would come up any minute. Time, unfortunately, still moved.

You were almost drifting to sleep when you heard his voice.

“This,” his words slurred, as if he was on the verge of falling asleep, too. “This meant something right?”

You didn't know if he was awake, if he wanted an answer. He surely felt your lungs suddenly not filling with air.

“Yes,” you replied. Only with the lights turned off and in the limbo between days you could admit something like that.

“I don't think I can ever go back.”

—

For the tenth time in the night, your heart stops. You're shivering, beginning to sweat from the overwhelming sensation. For how much time have you waited to hear him tell you this?

“You can't say that. Not right now.”

“When should I? There's no such thing as the right time. I feel it, right now. I l-”

“Don't. Please, Seokmin,” you choke out, trying and failing to stop the cascade threatening to fall from your face. “We can't.”

“Why?” Your eyes are still closed, imagining his reactions like you've memorized his face and his every expression. “Why can't we try? Don't you feel it too?”

“It's not that simple.”

“But it is! Why are you so against it?”

“Because I don't want us to change!” You yell into the air. To him. Pleading to the universe.

“It won't. I know it won't because it never has.” Seokmin's not calm either. You can tell there's something brewing behind his thought out words. “I’ve liked you all this time, all these years. Since I was nobody and you insisted on coming to watch me get my racing license. You were the only one there, you were always the only one supporting me at the beginning.”

“I didn't say anything then because I didn't feel worthy. I never thought you'd look at me the way I looked at you. And that night,” he continues. “I kissed you that night because I wanted to since forever. You were acting like everything was going to change drastically, but my feelings weren’t going to. And they're still the same. You finally looked at me when I was leaving and I thought it was my last chance. Then, you wanted to act like nothing happened, and I accepted. I went on with it, thinking that at least I was still in your life. But it's not enough. It's not enough anymore.”

“Seokmin, please.” Tears stream down your face, nothing working to stop them. “I'd just hold you back.”

“Why? Why? I want this! I'm asking you!”

"Because! You're moving forward, doing something with your life, getting to where you always wanted, and I'm stuck here, studying like I've done all my life, watching everything from the sidelines.” Hiccups force you to take a breath, no matter how hard it is. “I'm not worth it. You should be with someone with a future. With someone you can hug, and kiss, and actually be with.”

“I don't want anyone else. I want you,” he pleads quietly. You're breaking him, again. “I don't care about having to video-call to talk. I'd gladly do it with you.”

“It might seem like enough now, but you'll get tired. We'd start hating each other for being busy the only time one of us had time.”

“You're always so pessimistic. We can make it work! We've been doing it for years now!”

“But it’s different. I-I don't think I could handle it.”

“Tell me. Tell me you don't want to be with me.” He asserts. Done. Tired. “But I can't go back to how it was. It'd hurt too much.”

Everything stops as his words settle in. You don't have any more teats to spill. The thing you feared became real. Your relationship isn't enough, he wants something you can't give him.

You clear your throat, “I'm sorry.”

You've said those words too many times to each other. But this time it's not to take what you did back. You know you're breaking his heart, but there's nothing else you can do.

“It's done then.”

You hope he doesn't hear you getting choked up. It's not fair to him when it's your fault.

“Goodbye,” It's a whisper of your name, but it hurts like a gunshot.

You start living zoned out. Seconds blend into hours and hours blend into days, seamless. Your body works on autopilot, repeating the same cycle day after day: go to classes, eat, sleep, repeat.

The past weeks were just a test, nothing compared to the real thing. Living a life knowing you will never have Seokmin by your side again.

Roughly two weeks have passed since the cursed phone call that changed it all. Two weeks since you had to admit the worst part of your insecure brain to him. Two weeks since you broke his heart. But you push through it, even if it seems like days will never have bright colors again.

From time to time, you check your phone in hope to find something, and disappointment is always the result. You've exchanged texts with Seungkwan, disclosing the least amount of detail possible to his gossiping self, but even if you want to believe things will get better, it never feels normal. He'll always be in Seokmin's team. Even him talking to you feels like treason.

Is there a world where this wasn't the end result? Maybe if you weren't a coward.

Stepping slowly on the grey cement, you get out of the library and see your bus speed away from your stop. Another small consequence of your actions. You've given up on anything working your way by now.

You wait for the next one with a blank mind. Standing at the bus stop, staring at your feet, you try to think of something that aren't Seokmin's last words to you, ever.

It's done then. They sounded so harsh at that moment, but the more you think about it, the more you realize how badly you hurt him. It was for the best, you think. It has to be. You're saving both of you from a worst heartbreak. If you let yourself fall more deeply, it'd hurt more. You can't handle that.

The Sunday sun makes your skin prickly with sweat. You didn't put in sunscreen before deciding to kill time in the library doing God knows what. A day full of regrets, it seems.

When you finally sit on the bus, some time later, you don't fight the urge to check on the latest sports related news. You aren’t in each other’s lives anymore, but that doesn’t mean you won’t check on his career. You’ll never stop supporting him.

Your Seokmin related news have been scarce since that call. Of course, you chose one of the few race free weekends to end your friendship. You knew how he spent his free weeks, but you didn’t hear anything about him either. You didn’t ask.

This week’s race was one Seokmin had been expecting since the first moment he got the news that he’ll be racing. The São Paulo Grand Prix was specifically hard for him. Not only is the weather in the region unpredictable, it’s also not located on flat ground, which means it follows the ups and down of hills, and it’s a counterclockwise circuit, which has different repercussions on the driver’s body.

You may not have hourly updates of his life anymore, but you’ve built an entire encyclopedia of Seokminisms. With the anxiety that comes with having to follow his team’s past success on the circuit, combined with the special training to get the body ready for the race, Seokmin probably hasn’t left the gym in days.

The race started while you were waiting on the sidewalk. Seokmin started at P10 and quickly gains a few spots as the laps progress, positioning P7 by the time you reach your home.

But, with all the sad groveling you’ve been doing, you haven’t checked São Paulo’s estimated climate for the weekend. You realize your mistake the second the sun stops illuminating your screen, replaced by a gray, worrying layer of clouds covering the sky. The narrators all comment on the weather change and the start of the rainfall, expected in the region at this time of the year.

Racing under the rain is normal, every driver has done it countless times. It's the decreasing ability to see past one meter ahead that worries you.

Your remote is in your hand the moment you sit on your couch, without even taking your outside clothes off. Your eyes glue to the screen. Seeing the amount of laps decrease without any incidents lets you breathe, but the anxiousness never leaves.

Seokmin manages to block drivers from passing him, and not even his rushed pit stop prevents him from staying within the scoring positions, but when he celebrates through the radio, you can almost hear the toll the circuit is taking on him. Racing counterclockwise pushes the driver's neck to the right, straining the body uncomfortably.

The storm worsens each minute that passes, and you wonder why they haven't stopped the race yet. With 5 laps left to finish, maybe there's hope it can be done. For a second, you think that too.

Seokmin overtakes another driver during the ‘S’ turn, officially positioning P5. Having just 4 laps left, it's basically his final position.

But the rain doesn't relent. If the hope was that the storm ended as a mere drizzle, everyone was wrong. The circuit and paddock were nearly invisible, cast aside by the blurring rain.

It happens before you even register what’s barely visible behind the rain.

Tyres squeak against the pavement, harsh and loud. No one knows what happened. The sports narrators describe the accident you can’t see, wondering which driver almost managed to finish the race.

The broken car’s color is barely recognizable. You listen attentively to each driver that stops racing, name after name hoping to hear Seokmin saying he’s at the pit stop.

“The back right tyre’s done for,” his voice gets picked up by the radio with a chuckle, followed by a choir of questions from his team.

You exhale for the first time in minutes. If he’s talking he must be okay. But you don't get to relax. No one knows what happened, or how badly the car or Seokmin were hurt.

The storm calms down just barely, but enough to see both the medical car and the safety car doing their respective jobs.

Seokmin is extracted from the car and instantly laid down on a gurney. The narrators explain the way his degraded tyres slipped on the wet asphalt and caused the car to run into the wall.

You analyze the repetition, now clearer thanks to the many angles the races are filmed in. Somehow, as the experts are explaining, Seokmin managed to turn the car in a way it wouldn't badly hurt him before it crashed. It could’ve been much worse.

But, even with every maneuver in the world, he still got carried to the hospital, and you have no way of knowing how he was. You couldn't ask him. You couldn't ask anyone.

Your TV is off the second the narrators change topics and the race resumes to the last laps. As the afternoon goes on after the race finishes without him, you stop caring about everything else. Anything that isn't news about Seokmin goes in through one ear and out the other.

Hours and hours pass with you debilitating your sense of sight by looking at your phone, searching news articles and social media for any kind of information. You get nothing, only people discussing the ending positions. How can no one worry about a driver getting injured?

You're about to give up when your ringtone catches your attention. You pick up instantly. “How is he?”

“He's at the hospital,” Seungkwan sighs. “They're just now allowing visitors.”

Okay. If they’re allowing people to see him, it probably means he’s not in need of intensive therapy. He’s okay.

You might be more relaxed, but there are still tons of questions to ask. “Are they making him stay the night? Is he hurt?”

“I don't know the extent of his injuries yet, I'm sorry.” Seungkwan sounds out of breath, like he’s pacing back and forth in the hallway.

“What happened?” You insist. “I couldn't see anything with the rain.”

“The team didn't manage the pit stops correctly and the car slipped with the wet floor.”

“So, his team and whoever decided that the race could continue with the storm are idiots.”

“Hey! I told them it wasn't safe?”

After watching so many races over the years, it became clear that when anything that could endanger the drivers came into play, the race would stop until it was safe. The weather in that region of Brazil might be unpredictable, but a storm is still a storm, and just thinking about Seokmin being as blind to the circuit as you were from the cameras puts a lump in your throat.

“I don’t understand how they allowed that.”

“Me neither, I swear.” Seungkwan sounds defeated.

Deep down you know he was probably fighting everyone on the paddock before the accident happened. He isn’t making jokes and teasing you like he usually would. You don’t want to fight.

“Can you just—let me know if he's okay?” You whisper, fearing that saying it out loud would trigger some response from the universe.

“Why don't you ask him yourself?”

“You know I can't do that,” you protest. “He hates me.”

He sighs and continues with a babying voice, “He doesn't hate you.”

“He does. Don't lie to me.”

Seungkwan is aware that you and Seokmin talked and essentially ended your friendship, but he doesn’t have a clue what you said to him, the way he pleaded for you to listen and how you refused. It hasn’t been long enough for him to even consider beginning to forgive you. And it’s okay. You did it knowing the consequences.

“You're so fucking stubborn,” Seungkwan mutters. “I can't believe I have to do something for you two to grow some balls.”

“Huh? What are you talking about?” You must look crazy, pacing around your apartment screaming at the phone.

“You're coming here.”

“Here? To fucking Brazil?” He just hums as a reply. “Yeah, right.”

“You are. I'm booking you a plane ticket right now.”

He must be joking. “You're not.”

“Hell yeah I am! And I'm using his card, too.”

“That's called stealing. You know that, right.”

“Not if it's what Seokminnie really wants.”

His nickname being uttered pinches your heart. You want nothing more than to see him, to hug him and breathe him in. If these past two hours proved anything, it’s that being away from him and left out of what happens to him is hell on earth.

“I can't go there,” you repeat quietly. “He won't want to see me.”

“He will.” You sigh with hesitation, but Seungkwan interrupts you before you can object. “I won't tell you how he is if you don't come. And I'll pay the guys to not talk to you, too. Simple as that.”

“You can't be serious.”

The free trip offer starts sounding not too bad. You fear if he pushes you a bit further, you’ll accept. You’re weak when it comes to Seokmin and he knows that.

“I have never been more serious about something in my life.”

You sigh again, knowing you’re going to accept. It’s as simple as that, and you hate yourself for it. How are you going to get ready for the inevitable heartbreak that’ll come with seeing Seokmin face to face again?

“I'm going to punch you in the face when I see you.”

“And I'll gladly take it. After you talk to him.”

The doorknob is within reach from your hand, cold, taunting, and the thing that separates you from the one person you want to see the most.

For once, you forgot about your other responsibilities. You threw everything away and jumped on a plane on a Sunday afternoon to travel to the other side of the world. Currently, Seokmin's well-being is your top concern, above going to beginner college classes.

On the plane you could only think of that to say to him. Seeing him again was such a wild and foreign idea that, even standing with only a wall between him and you, it still doesn't seem real.

Hours in the sky didn't prepare you for shit, and the emptiness of the hallway gives you chills.

Your heart's pounding like you're being chased, with your hands sweaty and brain reeling. You're in no state to face the most important person in your life. You need to get it together.

Trying to accustom your brain to the high possibility of receiving a string of curses and screams, to be asked to get out and never return, is not hard. Hearing his voice will be enough. Knowing he's okay, at least physically.

After taking a deep breath, but not yet revealing yourself, you knock on the door as you open it slightly.

You hear Seokmin sigh before he says, “Soonyoung, I already told you I don't want—”

Whatever he was about to say gets cut off when you peek your head through the opening.

Seokmin's sitting with his back against the lifted bed, already dressed in his clothes and with no visible bruises or stitches. He's as shocked as you that you're entering his room, blinking rapidly trying to check if he's seeing correctly.

“Can I come in?” You ask, knowing there's a high possibility of being denied.

There's a beat of silence before he asks, “Why are you here?”

You take a step into the room, and when he doesn't tell you to get lost, you take it as a yes.

“I saw what happened.” You stand awkwardly away from his bed, searching for injuries on him and feeling his eyes going over you. “I was worried.”

“So you flew all the way here?” Of course, he's not convinced, especially after your last conversation.

“I wanted to see if you were okay,” you reply, but it's not the whole truth. “I wanted to see you.”

“There was no need for you to—”

“Well, I came.”

You stare at each other, trying to figure out what's going through the other's mind.

Now that he's in front of you, waiting for you to say something, words don’t want to form sentences in your mind. Whatever you planned to say disappeared the second his eyes laid on yours.

His silence is unnerving. Maybe you made a mistake. You'd rather him scream and tell you how much he hates you than being subjected to the icy quiet for any longer. What else were you expecting?

“I'm sorry—maybe I shouldn't have. I'll leave.”

You motion to turn around and leave. Seungkwan got you a back ticket for the next day. You can wait at a hotel until then.

Tears pool on your eyes as you begin to face the door. Everything moves at a slow pace. You saw him after months being away, and you're ending it once again.

“Wait! Wait a minute.” His voice freezes you in place. “Don't leave.”

“I should let you rest.” You turn halfway, still not facing him again. “You probably don't want to see me.”

“I'm glad you're here.”

For the first time in weeks, you feel like you can breathe. As you dare to look his way again, your lungs fill with air and a weight lifts off your shoulders.

“You scared the shit out of me,” you chuckle to hide your nervousness. “Are you hurt?”

“No, no. Just a few bruises on my left side. The circuit had nothing on me.”

You laugh with him, unsure of what's appropriate to say. Yes, he's an amazing driver, but you were still worried, and now you know he's okay. There isn't really anything else to do.

“It's okay if you hate me,” you blurt out.

Because it is. You can't expect him to be forgiving just ‘cause you showed up at the hospital. It's not fair to him.

“You don't get it,” he sighs and pushes himself up the bed. “I don't.” 

“I was awful to you and now I have the nerve to show up! I wouldn't hold it against you if you did.”

Seokmin walks towards you, casting his shadow on the white cemented floor. You can't look down for long, because his form blocks any other view and his scent and warmth touches your skin, erupting goosebumps all across your body.

Your throat threatens to close. It's hard to swallow with the rush of emotions taking over you.

Before he can speak, the door behind you opens and reveals one of the nurses. For a second, you forgot you were in a public place in another country.

“You're officially discharged, Mr. Lee. Is this who'll be taking you home?” She points at you.

You look at him, perplexed. He doesn't even have to stay the night. Seungkwan played you. He made you worried sick, he flew you here in a rush, for the whole thing to be over after a few hours. He'll pay for this.

The nurse taps her foot against the floor, waiting for an answer. “I am. Yes.”

It's a quiet taxi ride to the hotel Seokmin's staying in. The unsaid words between you are for no one else to hear. Not the driver, not the hotel staff, not even the hot air engulfing the hallway.

When the door clicks closed behind you, you rush to place all his things on the couch –because of course he booked a room with a full living room.

“I could've got my stuff, you know. I didn't break both arms.”

“You should rest for a few days.”

Seokmin stands behind you, waiting for you to quit stalling and face him again. His presence is all too ominous, drawing heat up your body.

But you can't deal with the pressure. “I'll leave you to it.”

He grabs your hand, keeping you from running away. “Why did you come?” He asks, voice too close to you.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” you whisper back, turning around slowly.

“And hopping on a plane and coming to São Paulo was your first choice? You could've texted me.”

His eyes bore holes on the top of your head as you avoid his stare. Analyzing the room is much more important than catching his eyes and melting right into his hold.

“I wasn't sure if you'll reply.”

“Then, you could've texted anyone else.”

“It's not the same.”

Seokmin's hands creep up your arms, boiling your blood everywhere he touches. When he reaches your neck, his fingers tilt your jaw up to finally meet your eyes.

Everything you expected to see in his eyes, from disappointment to dislike, or even repulsion, it's not there. His expression is as soft as ever, except for the faintest smirk forming in one corner of his mouth. Not that you're looking.

“Why did you come?”

“You know why.”

Words were never your strong suit, especially not when the man you love is staring down at you like you hold the secrets of the universe. After all this time, how can he not know?

“I don't. That's why I'm asking.”

You roll your eyes playfully, falling into his trap too easily.

“I missed you. Is that what you want to hear?” He's smug as he nods and urges you to keep going. “I hate being away from you. Because, I am my own person, but I don’t know how to live if it's not with you and your stupid smile by my side.”

“I have a stupid smile?”

“Very stupid.”

You chuckle together, chests almost colliding from the closeness. He isn't stepping away. You don't want to either.

“I'm sorry—for the other day.” You see his expression fall into seriousness.

“You don't have to apologize.”

“No. I do.” Your hand in his chest stops him from contradicting you. “I shouldn’t have acted out like that. Not after we slept together, and especially not during that call. I got scared and I was selfish to think that it was the only way I could save myself from being hurt. And I know I keep fucking everything up, hurting you and then apologizing. I don't know how you have it in you to keep wanting to see me even when you hate me, but I'm also selfishly happy that you do.”

“That's where you keep getting it wrong.”

Standing in the middle of the empty room, you're trapped between his hands and the weight of his following words.

“You didn't let me finish what I wanted to say that day,” he continues. “I don't know why you're scared to hear me say it, but now that you're here, I think it's because you're ready to.”

Seokmin breathes in and out, giving you time to reject him. You want nothing more than to hear those few words.

“I love you. I've loved you for years and I have never stopped. I don't think I'm capable of feeling any other way about you.”

The four walls surrounding the both of you suffocate you. Breathing takes double the effort after hearing the words you've been chasing for years.

When his thumb caresses your cheek, you realize he's wiping off the tears running down your face.

“Don't leave. Stay with me tonight.”

Not trusting your ability to speak at the moment, you only nod and let him lead you to the bedroom, after ensuring you're leaving your bag with his stuff.

Getting into bed with him feels just as natural as it feels like the most anxiety inducing thing you did ever in life. While your pajamas consist of old stretched clothes that don't fit anymore, his is only a pair of shorts. Nothing else.

Inside the covers, your bodies are drawn together like magnets, and your head's suddenly laying on his bare chest. His steady breathing could soothe any worry. You'd drift to sleep if it wasn't for the little time you have together.

His hand searches for yours and interlocks your fingers right above his stomach. All so intimate, but for once, you don't want to run away.

“Are you missing class tomorrow?” He asks, breaking the comfortable silence of the night.

“Hmm, yeah, my flight back leaves at night.”

With your eyes closed, you feel his light chuckle against your cheek.

“Miss goody two shoes skipping an entire day of class? For me?”

“Oh, shut up!”

You aim to hide your face behind your hands, but he grabs your wrist before you even get the chance to. With his other hand, he lifts your chin up, once again connecting your eyes.

The yellowy lamp on the nightstand highlights the feature on his face. His high cheekbones take the cake, pinkish red due to the warm temperatures. You see his eyes going over your face too.

Your shy smile dies below his stare. A thousand thoughts run inside his mind, unsure of everything.

“Have I told you how happy I am that you're here?”

His voice, so soft and honest, melts you in place. You feel giddy all around, being with him so comfortably. Weeks ago you might’ve been panicking in the same scenario, but every minute it passes, your decision becomes clearer and clearer.

“Happy enough that you won't mind that Seungkwan used your card to pay for my plane tickets?”

“I knew I shouldn’t have given it to him for those discounts he wanted.”

You chuckle. “You're a good friend. To everyone and to me.”

“A good friend, huh?” Seokmin's hands drift down to your hips and lift you until you're on top of him. “I don't think you'd allow any friend to touch you like this.”

He traces your back, feeling your hot skin as his hands drift inside your t-shirt. Your eyes almost close with a sigh, but the sight of him under you is one you don't want to miss a second of.

His bare chest under your touch rises and falls as he thinks of a witty answer. Your fingers go over his skin, finding every mole on his torso and wishing you were the only to have seen them.

“What do you want to be, then? The ‘best friend’ title is already yours.”

“The one that starts with ‘boy’.”

“Boy best friend?”

It's fun to tease him, more so when you seem to be in charge of the situation. But, without changing his position or his tone of voice, he manages to flip that around.

With all this time away, you forgot Seokmin is not who he always seems. He's kind and infectiously happy, but he's also a man that frequents the gym and knows his effect on you.

When he pushes your hips down on his groin, your little shorts and his paper-thin sleeping shorts let you feel just how much he wants you.

“Fuck,” you mumble, and it's clear he got what he wanted.

One hand caresses the side of your face, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear before he says.

“You're really pretty.”

If he can't see the wave of warmness across your face, you're sure he can feel it.

“I didn't even put make-up on before coming ‘cause I was in such a rush.”

“You sooo care about me.”

Your jaw and your neck and your nape, all fall into the trap of his touch. His magnetism almost controls you, lowering your face slowly, entranced by the way his lips move.

You kiss the corner of his mouth. Then, you kiss up his jaw and both his cheeks. He chases your lips but you manage to avoid him, save for the faintest graze when you speak.

“And you sooo love me.”

Seokmin hums in response, letting you have your teasing moment back. He doesn't know that you're trembling inside, feeling his length twitching under you with just a few kisses.

“Are you going to let me kiss you or should I beg?” The breathless question almost leaves you speechless.

“Only if you promise to never stop.”

“You're gonna have to restrain me, then.”

“I bet you'd like that.” 

Seokmin breaks the tension, pushing your neck down and finally connecting your lips after so long.

Neither of you waste time, delving into the kiss like starved people. You don't know how you lived this long away from him after learning how he tasted.

Teeth clash as your limbs tangle together trying to feel every bit of skin you can. You grind against his bulge shamelessly, earning groan after groan into your mouth. He doesn't stop you.

The few layers between your cores allow you to feel everything. Your already damp panties stick to your folds with his shape dragging along.

You moan in each other’s mouths, desperately seeking to satisfy the fire growing inside you. His arms hold you impossibly closer, keeping you in place as his tip presses against your clit over the clothes.

“Seok—what the fuck.” You're breathless, with your body flushed with embarrassment at how quickly he's able to get you to the edge without even touching you properly.

You hide your face on the side of his neck as he keeps going. You let him get off against you, feeling his cock grow with every day of his hips and every moan you don't contain.

“Can you come like this?” The broken words struggle to leave him between the light grunts he lets out.

“I don't want—” His hand going under your shorts cut your words off.

In between your sweaty bodies, Seokmin found a way past your inner thighs and now plays with his fingers against your drenched panties. He sneaks past the last bit of fabric and coats his digits with your arousal.

“Fuck, baby, already?”

You can't find it in you to be embarrassed anymore. Not when you feel the rapid beating of Seokmin’s heart as he feels just how much you crave for his touch.

Your nails claw on his shoulders as he prods two digits on your entrance, warm and ready for him since that first time not long ago.

“I've thought about this every day for months,” he admits as your walls clamp around his fingers. “Having you like this.”

“Really?”

If he responds, it sounds like mumbling nonsense to you. You're barely registering his words, concentrating on his long fingers reaching places not even you could.

Your body doesn't give any of you a warning before you start trembling on top of Seokmin. He curls his digits to take you further into the moment and doesn't stop until you're coating his entire hand.

You ride the orgasm down as he kisses your shoulder, so sweetly one wouldn't think he still has two digits buried inside you, taunting your sensitive walls.

With all the strength you can gather, you get up from the bed, feeling empty at the loss of him. You take off your t-shirt and shorts in one go, leaving only the ruined panties on.

“Don't just stare at me,” you say with your most playful tone you can manage. “Get a condom or this isn't happening.”

Your voice draws him out of the trance he was in, looking at you.

“Right, yeah, right.” He scrambles to get up and find his discarded pants. “I think I had one here.”

Now back on the bed, you take his place as he breaks open the plastic packet he found in one of his pockets. You watch him pull his shorts down and puts the condom on like eye candy as your body prepares for him.

Seokmin crawls on the bed, kissing up your thigh and stomach until you're face to face.

“The doctor said you should rest,” you giggle as he pecks your lips and wraps your legs around his hips.

You clamp against nothing as Seokmin kisses you deeply once more. His hard glides along your sensitive core, but you want more.

“The doctor didn't know I'd have a pretty girl in my arms.”

He kisses down your neck as his protected length coats with your arousal, pressing your wet folds and swollen clit and making you moan into the air.

“Stop playing with me.”

Seokmin chuckles against your chest at your plea, his breath fanning over the damp spots he's leaving on your skin. Every fire he ignites sends waves of heat through your body down to where your cores meet.

“Look who's begging now.”

“I don't beg. I demand.”

You feel his tip just barely poking at your entrance, so close yet so far from what you need. He pins you down with his whole body, rendering you incapable of doing anything else than taking his teasing.

“Hmm,” he hums against your throat, liking up your jaw until his lips press against your earlobe.

Your warmness welcomes him as he stretches you open slowly. Seokmin's long fingers weren't enough to prepare you to be filled by his hardness again.

Every time your mind wandered to that first night, worried but needy at the same time, you spent longing to feel him against you. But you weren't ready for his cock to carve space for his shape to fit in.

“Shit,” he half moans in your ear.

But his noises just turn you on more. Your insides hug him tight in place, and you can feel his dick twitch every time he tries to move.

He snaps his hips back until he's almost all the way out of you. “Min–”

“I'm giving you what you wanted, baby.”

His hips pound against yours, hard, filling you up to the hilt again. The bed squeaks below you as he starts thrusting mercilessly.

A choir of grunts and moans echo around the walls, over and over as Seokmin reaches every spot to make you scream. and scream you do.

You scream his name like a mantra, no longer afraid of the meaning of what you're doing. You allow yourself to feel everything he gives you. Every thrust, every moan, every sweet word in your ear. You're ready for him. All of him and what it entails.

When you rake your nails down his back, he loses control of his thrusts. Your touch sends him to another plane, where he can't control the way he moves or thinks. “Oh my God!” You roll your eyes back at the new added pleasure.

Seokmin's thumb circles your clit slowly, contradicting the menacing pace of his hips. He pushes every button to make you squirm, to squeeze around him harder and harder until he has to push your walls open. It's too much. It's everywhere and nowhere. Your mind and body are focused on reaching the fireworks that Seokmin strokes and strokes to explode.

Everything combines in one deliberate stroke that has you seeing stars, trembling under Seokmin's body uncontrollably.

He whispers praise in your ear as he keeps thrusting in his search for his orgasm. Your gummy walls, sensitive and still wanting, quiver around him, making it hard for him to continue his pace. But it's not hard for him to cum into the condom after you egg him on.

This time, when he gets up to clean the both of you, there isn't a single drop of panic creeping up on you. And if there were, you wouldn't let it.

“I hope you're not getting any ideas,” Seokmin chuckles as he gets back under the covers with you. “I have one idea. But you're gonna like this one. I promise.”

He stretches his arm for you to lay your head on and you happily comply. You accept his every act of affection, his soft caresses on your sides, his kisses on the top of your head. You even proudly wear the big shirt he gave you.

“What's on your mind?” He asks, a bit scared. “There’s something I haven't told you.”

The truth at the tip of your tongue draws heat up your body. He just saw you naked and kissed every inch of your body, but this is another kind of bare.

He waits for you to continue, and you hide your face from his too kind eyes.

“As you know, I've been letting all the scary thoughts I had dictate my life decisions.” He hums, and you go on. “But, I've been so scared of losing you, that I thought I'd be easier if it was my fault. I couldn't stand the thought of drifting apart without reason, so I made one up.”

“We were never going to-”

“Shut up.” You shut his mouth with your hand. “I know that now. I'm getting there!”

“Anyway, you showed me that I had nothing to be afraid of. You kept giving me opportunities even when I didn't deserve them and I realized that my paranoia warped my image of you to someone you really weren't. And I can't believe that I believed that for so long.”

You chuckle with nervousness and finally look him in the eyes.

“I love you, too.” A tear runs down your cheek. Seokmin caresses the side of your face but doesn't interrupt you. “I don't know when it started, because it's so natural to me that I feel like I've always loved you. The truth is, I can't see myself with anyone else. It's always been you.”

There it is. You poured your whole heart out and the world as you know it it's still the same.

Seokmin closes the small distance between you, kissing your tears away. He wasn't spooked, he didn't run like you always imagined.

“I really needed to get that out before I fell asleep,” you find it in you to chuckle.

His two hands hold your face. You look straight at him, the first time you can't decipher what he's thinking. The wrinkles by his eyes make an appearance before he cracks into a smile. Your favorite smile of his.

“I'll tell you that I love you everyday if that's what you need. Every hour. Every minute, even.” He tucks your hair behind your ears, so there's nothing in the way between your eyes and his.

“I'd like that very much.”

A shower of pecks comes your way. “I love you.” One on your lips.  “I love you.” One on both your cheeks. “I love you.” And one on your nose. Just everywhere. You giggle and fight for a way away from his trap, but he's decided.

“Will you be my long term, long distance, low commitment, casual girlfriend?”

You were about to cry your eyes out again,  but instead you frown in confusion. “What the hell is that?”

“You don't know that line? It's from the Barbie movie!”

“When did you watch the Barbie movie?”

“My teammate’s daughter forced me once.” He joins you as you laugh hysterically. “But seriously, will you be my girlfriend?”

You think about it. For real this time. With no self-sabotage and the real Seokmin sitting in front of you.

You nod eagerly and kiss him again, knowing it's the first kiss of millions you'll share with him forever.

“I can't believe I'm officially a WAG!”

“Okay, now where did you learn that term?”

note: thank you so much for reading! this last scene wasn't proof read, so, i'm really sorry if it has any mistakes :(