a bi bitch, looking for friends

1. When he's "big and strong"

Severus Snape is not big and strong in the canon.

He's repeatedly described as thin, almost the sick kind of thin, and rather short. Not too short, but short enough for Sirius to be remarkably taller.

Yeah, I know Alan Rickman doesn't exactly fit this description, as much as l love him. I simply like books Severus more.

2. When he’s a “macho” or a “daddy”

No slut shaming. You do you.

As a media analyst though... Severus is kinda queer coded. The Marauders called him "Snivellus" because he cried a lot (from "snivelling"). Basically because he was a sensitive boy. During a huge part of HBP (book) plot they suggest that the Half Blood Prince may be a woman because of how he writes in Advanced Potions. Also his father was a toxic macho man. I personally can't see him becoming something he hated so much.

3. When he flirts a lot

Now... I'm not saying he's COMPLETELY inexperienced...

(Even though he is in my fics, because he lost every desire to be experienced after Lily's death)

I just can't see him flirting.

The man who looked like he could throw up at any given moment during the Yule Ball? Don't think so…

4. When he's too calm and composed

This is debatable, because he actually is in the movies. They didn't include one of my favourite chapters in POA, "Snape's Grudge", as well as many other scenes from the books in which he's an absolute menace (honorific).

"Snape's face contorted with rage" >>>>>

5. When he's completely apathetic

Doesn't happen as often as the other things, but sometimes it does.

Severus is not apathetic.

He's written just like any other INTJ character. He feels a lot, possibly more than anyone else. He's just learned that he can't show it, due to trauma, and due to nature. If the fic is written in his pov, like mines, you have the chance to give a glimpse into his inner self. He feels. He just doesn't accept he's feeling.

6. When he's overly serious

He doesn't joke, he doesn't prank, of course. He's not exactly the life of the party...

But damn my man was funny af.

"You have to kill me, Severus."

"Would you like me to do it now? Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?"

Like come oooon

7. When he suddenly becomes a joy to be around

Specifically in post-war fics.

I understand that he doesn't need to be under cover anymore, and yes, maybe he'd get SLIGHTLY less depressed, but... he's got trauma and 38 miserable years behind him. I don't find it realistic that he's suddenly happy as soon as he wakes up after surviving.

8. When he's portrayed as a hero/as a good person

Please, as the Snape fandom, let's not lie to ourselves. He enjoyed being cruel to the students, especially in the books. He liked it in a kind of sadistic way. And that's okay, he's a fictional character, we can enjoy him anyway. It's part of his charm.

9. When he's handsome

Similar to the "big and strong" one, but not quite the same.

I don't like when he's described as pretty. When the fic explicitly states that his hair is groomed, or that he has muscles, or that he smells like wood and musk, or whatever.

My man is obviously written to have PTSD. As someone who has PTSD... I find it more plausible he barely takes care of himself. He canonically has greasy hair, uneven yellow teeth and people hint at the fact that he's not exactly a fan of showers.

And yes, I like it. I LOVE it.

Realistic portrayal of past abuse. Chef's kiss

10. When he hates for no reason

Don't get me wrong. He's a hater. He's the biggest hater.

But he hates with critical thinking. He's quite possibly the cleverest character of the saga. Even if he hates someone for unjustifiable reasons (like with Harry) he needs to rationalise his hatred (stating that it's because Harry constantly gets into trouble and lying to himself).