sometimes i have actual insights and thoughts about The Characters and then sometimes i just get hung up on making myself laugh about really silly things. case in point today i am thinking about this one au @grayaceshanehollander and i have, where the timeline is different and ilya and shane never met and instead, shane and rose are a high profile celebrity couple with a very big secret: they are both bearding for each other. (they tried dating for a minute but then rose was like shane? i think you might be gay? and shane was like oh my god i am gay. and then a few months later shane was like rose? i think you might be a lesbian? and rose was like holy fuck you're right i'm a lesbian.)
this is going great for them because they're besties. they are really good at being a lavender couple, because they both genuinely enjoy each other's company and make each other laugh and have running bits, which everyone takes as INCREDIBLE CHEMISTRY and ENDLESS HONEYMOON PHASE. she calls him schmoopykins and he rolls his eyes but does genuinely answer to it, and he carries all 15 shopping bags in one hand so he can hold her hand with the other one, and she won't stop stealing his jackets and hoodies no matter how much he complains about it ("rose, what am i supposed to wear???"), and the tabloids eat it up. obviously hollandry invented love!
which is all well and good until rose meets a certain miss svetlana vetrova and goes, oh fuck. shane, i'm gay. shane i think i might be really into her. shane what do i do? and shane is like i dunno, talk to her? you can just say i'm cool with you sleeping with a woman if you want. and rose is like okay. um. i will... spend more time with her. and see what happens?
it's this absolute comedy of errors where svetlana is trying so hard to put the moves on rose, who definitely isn't ready to be out as a lesbian and doesn't want to leave very gay shane hollander high and dry, but really is into her. somehow this ends in a "threesome" where despite svetlana's best efforts (hollander is hot! get in here!), it's mostly just her fucking rose landry while hollander holds rose's hand and goes "you're doing great!" and 😃👍! and gets them all snacks and water. rose landry doesn't at all seem surprised by this and in fact cracks up laughing at some of his 😃👍ing in the middle of sex. it is the most bizarre threesome of svetlana's life.
behind the scenes shane was like do i have to be there?? and rose was like please i don't want her to think im open to cheating on you, even if we say you're fine with it, and if you're there it's hetero-plausible deniability bc duh, hot guy and two hot gals, but if you're not there it's Really Gay of me and that's terrifying like what if she tells someone--
and shane is terrible at saying no to rose so he's like okayyyyy....... i'll get a snack platter ready......
and svetlana is left scratching her head because somehow this man was less excited about the sex than he was about his veggie tray and homemade hummus. (admittedly the hummus was very good. but still?????)
it's just this absolutely bizarre set of "threesomes" where it becomes increasingly clear that shane is there to be rose's emotional support animal and that's about it. he's totally checked out. he's not interested. at one point she's eating rose out while rose wails and clutches at shane's hand, and shane is just rubbing his thumb over hers soothingly while he watches game tape on his phone. he's got an earbud in and everything.
and svetlana is just like. Okay! (????????) she will be accepting more baby carrots and hummus though.
there's also hollanov in this au but they're not the point. it ain't about them (at least not this post). the point is the roselana """casual""" threesomes -> rose being able to open up and actually admit that she and shane are lavender as fuck (svetlana: yeah that. yeah that tracks.) and navigating queerness while trapped in the public eye. the other point is whatever the FUCK rose and shane have going on (completely platonic but no less insane for it)
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