Sketches, Rants, and Nerdity

Rabbits

how rogue one probably goes in the rebel padmé/ galaxy's messiest divorce au

'Through some strange alchemy(crochet) they turned a bundle of yarn into a stuffed giraffe'

'Through some strange alchemy(bad cooking) they turned a perfectly marinated steak into a charcoal briquet'

'Through some strange alchemy(good cooking) they turned a pile of slop into the fluffiest bread loaf I'd ever seen'

'Through some strange alchemy(bad reading comprehension) they took my polite statement and turned into a disgusting act against the poor'

Done more than double the original notes.

I have mixed feelings. It's mostly amused bewilderment, with a healthy dose of 'I'm happy that so many people think my dumb joke is funny and that someone elevated it to a fiber-craft that even more people love'

But there's also a definitive pinch of 'fuck you what have you done'

please have these

BONUS: same knight 20 minutes later

assuming ickythot a) is a wizard, b) isn’t multiclassed, and c) didn’t take the Toughness feat, his theoretical max hp (at lvl 20 with 20 con and 6s on every hit die) is 222. now, that’s just unreasonable, so for argument’s sake let’s say he rolled median hp, his con is 16 (high for a wizard), and we’ll keep him lvl 20. his max hp is now 130. respectable! we love glass cannons!

percy rolls initiative at +11, casts hex, and shoots first. percy is pissed as fuck and blows all three of his grit on violent shot, letting him add three additional damage dice while temporarily raising the misfire score for bad news to 8. he also makes it a sharpshooter shot, taking -5 to hit and +10 to damage. oof, that’ll be a hard shot, but no worries, it’s percy. bang! natural 20! cool!

bad news’ damage is 2d12. as a dm, i would rule that its ‘damage die’ is 2d12 rather than 1d12, but 5e’s rules designer disagrees, so we’ll go with that. it, uh, it turns out it doesn’t matter all that much.

percy rolls 2d12 + 3 additional d12s + 1d6 for hex, doubling that (’double the dice’) for the crit. he then adds 5 (his dexterity) and 10 (sharpshooter). the average result for that is 87. ikithon is looking pretty rough! but he’s a wizard, he’s still got tricks up his sleeve! just wait for the next round!

ikithon spends his turn running towards percy to try and get in range to meteor swarm him, probably, and then he takes 43 points of damage from hemorrhaging critical.

he is now at precisely zero hit points, falls to the ground, and dies ignominiously and unceremoniously. death in six seconds is probably better than he deserved, but hey, no mercy percy keeps it efficient. he’s got dinner to cook for the wife and kids!

why doesn’t ikithon just heal himself??? cause he’s a nerd, that’s why. you think this bastard man is friends with a lot of clerics? you think he’s learned healing magic from the local druid? nah. he’s a dumb wizard and i hate him

what if he brought friends??? don’t worry, guys– how fast can his friends run 800ft? probably not faster than a speeding bullet!!!

what if he makes his save on hex??? don’t worry, guys, there isn’t one! the warlock class is broken, and so is percival frederickstein von mussel klossowski de rolo iii, and so is keyleth’s heart!

what if he runs out of range after percy’s turn??? don’t worry guys, vex is there and she’s got a broom! or maybe she left that in pandemonium? doesn’t matter! trinket’s speed is 40ft! you can’t run from percy, bastard man!

what if percy forgets to hex him??? what if he’s got gloves of missile snaring??? what if percy rolls below average damage??? what if he doesn’t crit??? what if–