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i love when jay blames matt for plans going wrong when jay liked commented and subscribed to every part of the process. like, ahh i'm so mad at you for making me love you so much that i will go along with anything you do. i'm so mad at you for being so amazing that i choose to stay with you over pursuing a normal life. i followed another one of your stupid plans to the end and look where it got me...
rewatching the web series and just thinking “this version of matt gave his life without a seconds thought so that jay could start over” and just ough ou starts taking poison damage ouh
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erotic roleplay where youre my celebrity crush who ive been stalking for weeks so that i can "coincidentally" encounter you in a bar and i keep ordering you drinks so youll get drunk enough to cheat on your wife with me. and you do have to have "your" entire filmography and wikipedia memorized so i can quiz you on it the whole time. especially while we're having sex
oooh I love this lol I can always say more about jay mccarrol cptsd. okay so like imagine the situation where Jay obviously remembers all the events of the film and obviously he's completely tortured over it. it all compounds with a lot of his other memories too, the memory of matt hanging himself, the time he thought matt got gunned down in a bank robbery, even just having to go through with the cn tower stunt immediately afterwards. I think on one level it's really enjoyable to think about a situation where this makes Jay very soft, it makes him very tender towards Matt, it helps him not take for granted the things that he has, he knows that when push comes to shove he would choose this life with Matt over and over again. However....i think there's something kind of juicy about the idea that somewhere in the back of Jay's mind he kind of still thinks about a life without Matt, almost like muscle memory since it's something he has been thinking about on and off for most of his adult life. And it makes him feel incredibly guilty when it comes up, it makes him think that maybe he's secretly wishing that Matt really had died, that he could permanently be free. But of course that's not what he really wishes! He should never even let the thought into his mind! It makes him feel sick inside and guilty and like he doesn't deserve the life Matt gives him. But the things that were painful and hard before are still upsetting to him. Some nasty egotistical part of him still whispers to him that he was destined for more than this even though he knows this is the only life he would ever choose. He vividly remembers Matt willingly dying, electrocuting himself in the street. Maybe he gets horrible headaches, maybe his timelines are all jumbled, maybe in his darkest moments he feels like this isn't even his Matt. Would this Matt even make that sacrifice for him? Would this Matt make the same choices as his original Matt? It gives him nosebleeds, it makes him so tired that Matt has to ask him if he's okay, if he's getting sick again.
He tries to push it to the back of his mind, to go on with his life, he has moments where his affection for Matt overwhelms him but Matt's love is still suffocating and confining and as much as he secretly loves it the parts of him that felt trapped and subdued by it didn't completely die when he saw what Matt did for him. In a way that only serves to make the situation more complicated for him. "If I ever left Matt would kill himself" is something that he always had looming in the back of his mind but has now become a concrete reality for him. There is no Matt without him and that is a huge responsibility for someone as flighty and weak as Jay to bear. I think he would have a lot of complicated feelings about it while also being completely emotionally crippled by the memory of seeing his Matt die a painful public death for him. It's all obviously made worse by constantly having to see Matt engage in risky, dangerous behavior for their plans and it puts Jay so on edge now knowing what could happen that he honestly pushes back even harder on the plans sometimes, begging Matt to think about what could happen, how terrible of a position it would leave him in if anything irreversible happened to Matt. They fight about it. Matt confronts him and Jay doesn't know what to say. There's so much tension and ambient levels of fear and anxiety and grief and pain and Jay has no idea where to put any of them. yeah....the jay mccarrol cptsd torture nexus can be real if we just believe.
i just want to say i love that jay is so skilled/talented it's absurd but he spends his life messing around with a guy who is just silly and he likes it that way.
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sorry to talk about their house again, but look at this, it's sickening. the fairy lights over the banister and the fake plant decorating the support beam. their shoes all arranged nicely on a shelf, the prints and photographs on their walls. especially the family photos that contain only themselves. why do they have such beautiful interior design taste.
Matt changing the whiteboard in the movie but instead of writing ‘don’t play the rivoli’ he draws stick figures of himself and Jay fucking and leaves that there
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i've been in jay transcript land these past couple days (my already existing love for all editors across the world has only strengthened tenfold) from this x interview where he talks about his experience scoring for the kid detective, blackberry and everything in-between.
if there's any egregious spelling/grammar mistakes please just avert your eyes and pretend they do not exist. i highlighted a couple parts of what he said that i found interesting/i thought others might as well, so yeah. i also have a couple notes at the end of this post. yay :)
firstly, would like to say a delightful amount of likes, ums, kind/sort ofs, and so's have been removed. not all, but most were removed for your reading pleasure. i was gonna leave them in at first but it came to a point where it just did not make grammatical sense to do so.
i also would like to call attention to jay's trombone noises he makes. very silly :))
secondly, i guess the main thing, is that it is really nice seeing jay be very open about his struggles. he talks quite a bit about how isolating of an experience it is/can be, which makes so much sense with how niche his specialty really is, and also the fact that like it's really just a process of throwing darts at the board until you get it right. (i also found it interesting and makes sense that he shares a lot of the similar creative struggles that matt does, i.e. starting a project in the beginning/not making good on timing and then describing the process as a mountain to climb and coming out "bloody and bashed" which does feel like jay's equivalent to matt's "making a movie is incredibly and only awful/painful.")
third, i had not listened to the kid detective score prior to reading this, but went to listen to the song he repeatedly references which is called willoughbrook then. i definitely hear the romantic tones he was going for, it feels like a classic detective noir sound in the beginning but then warms up and the flute comes in and i would agree it is quite whimsical jay.
fourth, the part where he talks about matt being like mike from blackberry is sooo good. matt's already talked about how working on that movie was like his own psyche being split into 3 but hearing it from jay is pretty forward about it. this also gets into a really interesting thing how matt and jay have so many different aspects of their dynamic because in other areas they're like co-tackling the task at hand, and really with ntbts they're like co-conspirators and at the epicenter of it, but when it comes to the score that's specifically the one time that jay is like providing a service to matt? idk how to articulate it better but it's like there's a higher standard there for jay to deliver something really good, whereas in other aspects of production it might be a collaborative process of tackling the script, storyboarding, etc.
fifth, jay really talks about how scoring for him is very director-centric and majorly about understanding the movie as opposed to the music itself. this is like load-bearing jay framework to me. i really enjoyed reading "...clarity that you need to have, as just a filmmaker, or at least seeing virtually through the eyes of the filmmaker of the film. That’s what it’s all about. It’s seeing the subtext and seeing the opportunities to help support and push the narrative and emotional points of the movie that it’s trying to do." like yes!!!! yep!
okay that's all i got. i also thought it was very cool to hear a little bit about how Operation Avalanche was scored with that jazz band. Ooh! Also, before I forget Ann Phung is the same flutist who worked on Hungover Still for the live Brave Shores album and she kills it! She's AWESOME!!
i wanna do disgusting unspeakable things to Matt Johnson
I love Jay Mccarol the way one loves a strange male relative who is clearly the only other secretly gay one in the family so you have a awkward, unspoken bond