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Aries: "There's a monster under your bed. A monster at your window. A monster any place you imagine one. You project your monsters on the world."

Taurus: "Believe in yourself. You are an ancient, absent god, discussed only rarely by literary scholars. So if you don't believe, no one will."

Gemini: "Follow your heart. It's in the Styrofoam cooler in the back of that pickup up ahead. Step on it. You haven't much time."

Cancer: "When life seems dangerous and unimaginable, just remember that it is, and that you can't survive forever."

Leo: "We have nothing to fear except ourselves. We are unholy, awful people. Fear ourselves with silence. Look down, look down, and forget what you've done."

Virgo: "Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you."

Libra: "The universe is vast. You are also vast. So is an ant. There are different sizes of infinity."

Scorpio: "The quickest way to your heart: Love, passion, sincerity (metaphorical). Sharp things (literal)."

Sagittarius: "We understand so much. But the sky beyond those lights--mostly void, partially stars--that sky reminds us we don't understand even more."

Capricorn: "The past is gone, and cannot harm you anymore. And while the future is fast coming for you, it always flinches first, and settles into the gentle present."

Aquarius: "Fear is consciousness plus life. Regret is an attempt to avoid what has already happened. Toast is bread held under direct heat until crisp."

John Mulaney quotes, but it’s Cecil Palmer

what an odd little plant, i simply must have one

when they’re cleaning their feets and spread all their little toes out

when they smelled something weird and make a stinky face

when they walk up to you making little chirpy purrs of inquiry

when they get distracted by a noise mid-lick and a tongue blep occurs

when they see a bird and do that ekekekk thing