The Non Mom Blog

2/8/16 I did decent today in the food choices department....until dinner apparently. Ray and the kids were grabbing dinner on the way home from practice so I was left to fend for myself. I meticulously went over our pantry contents in my brain on the 30 minute drive home. Fully planning to eat healthy, I had a last minute lapse in judgement: I'd eat out somewhere I could get a drink...and Jack was my craving 👀. I scolded myself the entire way to Mike's Grillhouse. I'd never been before though, so why not?? I walk in and it's practically deserted with the exception of one couple in the corner booth. I scurried to the bar and struggled to climb in the too tall bar stools. The bartender seems friendly enough as she smiles politely and waits for me to get situated. I quickly bark off my order (Jack and Diet of course) and start scanning the appetizers on the menu. Of course I was going to order chips and salsa, I mean, I'm not a psychopath. They came & despite the fact that they were terrible, I ate half. I actually hadn't felt like a fatass yet though until I was halfway done with my panini and fries until the bartender said, "I'm guessing everything tastes good." Not a question. A statement dropping with judgement as she eyes my plate and half empty basket of chips. This bitch. I quickly got embarrassed and tried to sneak a peek behind me to see if the other couple was also judging the fat girl at the bar scarfing down food alone. I've never in my life minded eating alone until today. The shame I felt was unbearable. If I could have disappeared right then and there I would have. Instead I paid for my meal and mentally vowed not to step foot back into that establishment until I looked like a goddamn Victoria's Secret model. So probably never. Which is a shame because the panini was delicious.

I found a diary I *tried* to keep when I decided to try to lose weight. I thought I'd put it here to be immortalized (aka so I can look back at it and be like DO NOT MAKE BAD CHOICES OR THIS HAPPENS). It's crazy to go back and read this now. I'm 61 pounds lighter now, but I still remember the feeling. It's about as awesome as Roy from The Office 😕. Well, Here she is: 1/31/16 Disgustingly ugly. That's what I think when I look at myself in the mirror. Not in a self loathing type of way or in a way where I'm actually beautiful but don't see it....more in a non-delusional realist way. When I wear make-up and fix my hair it cushions the blow, but hair in a ponytail with a make-up free face? Gross. I'm just not one of those natural beauties. I used to be able to make myself beautiful with the latest tips & products, but that was 70+ pounds ago. Now I'm just chubby. Borderline full-out fat... if not already there. I'm not 100% sure how it started, but one day I just woke up in 3-D. Now I've got stretch marks, triple D's, a gut, and a double chin.......What the fuck happened??? Which brings me here: staring at myself about to attempt a jog. I'm not sure how people just love running...it's fucking miserable. 3 steps in and I can't breathe, 5 minutes in and my whole body tries to shut down. I think it decides if it has to take another step then it's going to self destruct. So I decided to download one if those nifty apps that tells when to alternate between running and walking. It's not a one way to a size 10, but it's a start! As I hear my hip hop blasting through my headphones, I remember a documentary I saw once where Andre 3000 used to rap while he ran. Something about it made it easier for him to dance and sing on stage (or something like that...do rappers dance? Idk). I always come back to that random bit if information when I'm running (or slowly jogging). I mean damn, I cant even breathe when I run, let alone rap (or talk). That's why I usually go alone. No one needs to ACTUALLY know how out of shape I am. Today though, my husband Ray is going with me. I don't mind because he loves me no matter what, but I'll still have an internal argument with myself over whether I should just not tell him that the running part is coming up so we (I) can skip it and walk, or if I should get my fatass moving. All in all I'll survive today. Hopefully I can keep this up. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle being disgusting.

#PaulRyan2020 @speakerryan I'll go ahead and start your campaign in Texas🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

Day 9: make a scrapbook Day 10: stargaze Nope. #next

Day 8: listen to the radio I listen to the Bobby Bones Show every morning. Those guys are hysterical, but when I remembered I needed to post I was jamming out to Brooke Hogan. Don't judge me.

Day 7: watch a funny YouTube video I googled funniest YouTube videos of all time. While the list was disappointing, the number one video was not. So damn funny!!! I'm with you guy, a lizard jumps on me, I'm on the first train to NOPEville

This made me laugh so hard!!! #PettyWap

Day 6: have a sleepover So it's a weekday and I'm 30 years old...soooo I don't really have sleepovers, BUT my husband does sleep over on my side of the bed most nights, so that's what I'm going with tonight.

Day 5: bake a cake Ok so first of all, I hate baking. Do you know how hard it is to cook something that looks cooked on the outside, and can still be a gooey mess on the inside? What kind of fake Regina George BS is that? I go through 8,000 toothpicks trying to figure out if my cake/cupcakes/cookies are done. I'm not buying 8 packs of toothpicks just to burn my hand while I'm poking my baked goods in the oven. Not to mention after you bake stuff, you have to put food makeup on it. WHAT? No. NO. I can barely manage to put makeup on my SELF before I go to work, no way in hell I'm going to put it on treats too... especially when I have to wait for it to cool first. I don't have time for that. I need to get these puppies iced up fast so I can eat about 3 before my husband gets home from the gym. I can't wait 10 minutes for them to get below 1,000 degrees. I'll play hot potato while I slap this sugar paste on them. By the end it looks like I murdered the Pillsbury dough boy because there's white goo EVERYWHERE (idk how people get icing on evenly, let alone smoothly). So all in all half of my cupcakes aren't done, the other half have see-through gooey melted icing, and about 3 of them are ok enough to be seen by people other than my immediate family. And my kitchen is a nightmare. But hey, at least I get 3,000 extra calories today!

Me waiting for @simonebiles & @zacefron to announce they're dating 👀👀👀👀👀👀 #hewenttorio #rio2016

Day 4: start a gratitude journal. Yeah, I can't even remember to post on tumblr once a day, no way I'd remember a journal. So instead I'll say something I'm grateful for: BEING AN AMERICAN

Day 3: rearrange furniture. I forgot. Too late to do it now on account of I'm lazy. But I did order a new TV console...that counts right?

Day 2: sign up for a free exercise class I'm out of town for my sister-in-laws graduation, so instead of a class, I used the free exercise room in our hotel! Started the day off energized. Even if I did look like a sweaty chubby bunny for a bit 🐰🐰🐰

365 Things of Happiness list. hate these things but I like the idea of looking back after a year. Day 1: wear your favorite thing. These shoes have been my favorite since I bought them a year ago. I only use them for working out, but I just think they’re supa fly. Maybe this will make me a better person. Good luck