J a n e l l e

Feel Good. 

I just got done watching season 2 of Feel Good on Netflix and I do indeed, feel good.. fancy that! Why? I’ll tell you but first *spoiler alert! for anyone that hasn’t seen it yet!*

1. It was so deliciously human - openhearted, unsure, imperfect, messy. The vulnerability lit me up and reminded me how exciting (and terrifying... but still so freaking exciting) it is to be alive and having this experience. 

2. I got to Shazam a few new songs I’d never heard but fell instantly in love with. Want to guess which songs they were? 

3. It unexpectedly touched on the heavy subject of abusive relationships, trauma, and the way it impacts every area of your life, something I’ve been personally reconciling within myself for a while now. In regards to abusive relationships what I LOVED and deeply appreciated was the way the writers allowed things to be complicated and grey! Something I’ve found increasingly frustrating with the rise of cancel culture is the black and white thinking, this automatically equalling that mentality, with no space for discussion or the truth we’re multifaceted beings. I haven’t felt able to share my own stories for fear of being crucified (I’m working on this) because my beliefs don’t go along with the accepted narrative and I’ve felt alone in them.. until today. Seeing Mae confront Scott, asking the questions she wanted to ask, them both sharing their truths and allowing them to exist without arguing over subjective/personal right or wrongs and them each taking some personal responsibility for what was theirs. At the end of that interaction they hug, each say I love you and Mae saying she never wanted to see or hear from him again. It was everything I didn’t know I needed to see. I’m so glad that scene exists! Multiple things can be true at once, things can be bad without being all bad, there can be love and you still need to leave and never look back. 

4. It showed how tempting it is to turn away.. from what hurts, from what’s scary, hard, and heavy and the magic that’s possible when you turn towards it. 

s u n • 🌞

This is the shift that happened in 2020, despite all the darkness there was a deep shift into the light, an expansion, a collective awakening, profound change that can never be undone.

This isn’t to say our existence is now void of darkness but rather there are more beings tuned into seeing the light present within it. More beings trusting the timing and cycles of life, not needing to physically see the sun in order to feel its warmth. More beings standing in there power, living from a place of deep inner knowing and sovereignty. More beings conscious and connected to the source of all that is.

This is the energy we take into the brand new year we’ve been gifted today. Golden life giving/sustaining light, new and exciting beginnings, radiance, joy, illumination, opportunity, abundance, strength and prosperity.

S h e d d i n g | It’s been happening for lifetimes and yet it’s still an uncomfortable process that catches me by surprise. As the layers are slowly stripped from me I’m resisting less and allowing more, I’ve been more aware, noticing when I’m trying to cling and attempting to squeeze myself back into old skin - spaces and places, old behaviours and beliefs, trying to grasp a moment of the known, of the comfort from what was, even if the reality of those situarions and people weren’t actually comfortable at all.

I’ve been tired and emotional but I’ve found peace and safety in nature, in feeling, in resting and in truth. I’ve been feeling snake energy everywhere, expecting to see one everywhere I go, watching where I walk, imagining them tattooed on my skin and seeing them in my dreams. They’re telling me I’m in a period of rebirth or transformation and I know it’s true because everything’s stopped, everything’s quiet and unknown.

F r e e | Two years ago I would have been standing in the water watching my daughter swim, hearing her nag me to hop in with her and me finding any and every excuse not to. The truth being that I hated myself, I hated my body and didn’t feel worthy enough to have that experience; the very same way I spent 34 (ish) years of my life. Moving here I was able to start slowly making changes, slowly working on loving and accepting myself and slowly allowing myself to have the experiences I desperately wanted to have. I remember quick dips with my towel resting close to shore to avoid people seeing me, staying in the shallows afraid to venture out too far for what might be lurking. 11 months of living here has seen all that change completely, I gift myself the joy of being out in the ocean almost daily and it’s changed my life.

The ocean is alive, it’s living, I see it as an entity, an intelligence, filled with an infinite number of others. It’s an eco system, a life giver and taker, it’s raw and powerful and doesn’t discriminate, it heals, supports, and nourishes; it’s a manifestation of the divine, of all that is. I see people go in at the end of their day and come out transformed, re energised, re connected to nature and re aligned, I experience it myself; it’s magic in the purest form.

W i l d | It’s been a wild ride since I was here last, thinking about the path this site opened up for me all those years ago, getting my “work” exposed to the world in a way I wasn’t expecting and the multitude of challenges and experiences it presented along the way. It’s wild to feel things come full circle and to have found myself here once more, taking stock of all that’s fallen away in that time, of all that’s grown, dissolved, been transmuted, alchemised, healed, unlearned, reprogrammed, remembered; all that’s become both within and without.

Part of that journey saw me get divorced and move to a teeny, end of the road, coastal town, a retirement community come tourist spot in the holidays. I’m surrounded by the wild, by nature and the longer I spend here the more I’m connecting with, allowing and embracing my own inner wildness. Nature is unapologetic and not in a nefarious way but a neutral one, nature just is, there is no self consciousness or shame, no pleasing or holding itself back, no making itself small or trying to fit ideals of how it should be, just raw, wild, life and that’s what I’ve been allowing within myself. 

The more connected I am to the wild within and without the more magic my life feels, the more synchronicities there are, the more I sense the divine thread running through every fibre of existence, the more I’m shown it’s all one. The more connected I am to the wild, the more I’m living life from within, the more grounded and peaceful I feel. The more connected I am to the wild the more I realise how deeply nourishing and fulfilling that connection is, that it offers things the human world can’t, always giving more than it takes. The more connected I am to the wild the more I’ve come to trust, value and respect it, it’s wisdom and beauty, it’s cycles of life and death, warm and cold, it’s power and the more I’ve come to realise I’m not separate from any of it. The moon moves my inner being just as it moves the oceans. I guess you can say I’ve been in a phase of re-wilding and as a result, everything has changed.

2020 was always going to be about endings, extremes, challenges, it was always going to be wild, it was written in the stars. This year represents an ending of cycles, of the old way, of how things were and had been, it has presented us with extremes and is giving us the opportunity to choose, to reclaim things in a new way, to step into our sovereignty, to see through what is to what also is, to feel and heal. It’s been shining light on the dark and while a lot of the world seems to be taking that as an opportunity to separate and divide, to fight and attack, I can’t help but see it as an invitation to reclaim our wholeness our wildness!