Jamal Gerald

Good day! How you do?

I thought it would be good to write about my experience working with a big team. I’ll forever be grateful for everything that everyone has contributed to the process. And let me be clear, it wasn't all doom and gloom when working on JUMBIE. But you know, as they say, there is the good, the bad and the ugly. Let’s be grown about this, there is no such thing as the perfect process. I’m writing this because I don’t think I’ve read many things about messy creative processes. And it’s time that people start being more brutally honest about it.

There were a bunch of things that happened in the 5-week creation period, 2 COVID cases, someone having long COVID, someone having a long term illness and needing surgery, an injury, a dental emergency, and someone’s family member passing away. All of that alone is a lot, which led to a necessary cancellation. But there was way more.

We were resurrecting the Jumbie dance, a trance ritual. One element of the Jumbie dance was healing, the irony. It is something that no longer exists. There is no footage of it online anywhere, there is only one book on it. I was mostly working from the one book, journals that mentioned the Jumbie dance briefly, and what I was told by Montserratian people in interviews.

I would have benefited from having more time to sit with my research and ideas. 2 years wasn't enough. There was also an element of decolonising going on and I don't think some members of the team were ready for it. The fact that the work didn't happen, and the Jumbie dance was done in secret is fascinating. And something I will further explore in the future, as my ancestors didn’t want this particular public performance. Something written and kept in the archives is probably more fitting.

Me writing and sharing this is a part of my learning and healing. If you can't handle the truth, please stop reading. I’m already known for speaking my mind anyway. There's a side to every story, and this is my side. So, let's get to it. I started my practice off as a solo artist. I have now transitioned into becoming an artistic director of my own company. Going from working in mostly small teams to leading a process that had multiple collaborators and performers is such a big jump.

There was a clash of experiences and backgrounds for sure, as people had different expectations of what a process should be. My company Dudaan currently consists of me and my producer. With some support here and there but that was it. My team for JUMBIE had 16 people.

There were also some other people I had to deal with outside of the team. This team needed a team behind it. To me, it’s unrealistic to put all of that work on a new company that is only still a baby.

Another reason I’m writing this blog post is that I would hate for anyone to go through what I went through. I’m also leaving names out and making some things quite vague because I’m a decent human being.

I'm in no way innocent. Here are some of the bad things I’ve done:

- I gave up. With all that went on, I was overwhelmed. I also didn't feel like the performers were listening to me. Although, I felt I gave a lot. From emails including Google docs of the breakdown of all my research to a creation period plan to the dramaturgy of energies to my intentions for the work to useful quotes. Some of these were even printed out and put on the walls in the rehearsal space. After all of this, and the things I shared with them and repeated in the space, it just wasn't sticking with them. But they would listen to other people in the team. So, I thought it would be best for other people to engage with them instead of me. Not the wisest decision, but it felt right to me. I was also scrolling through socials on my iPhone a bit too much, after giving up. I should have been giving the performers my full attention. But as I said, I gave up.

- I got some anonymous feedback from the performers. Because I needed clarity on what they needed going forward. I didn't get what I wanted from the feedback. But I was told there was anxiety in the room. And that I take things too personally and get very defensive. Because of this, I needed time to figure out how to communicate with the performers. And it hurt to receive the feedback because I set up Dudaan to create brave and safe spaces for Black queer artists.

I still engaged with the performers. But I probably wasn't doing enough to everyone else’s standards. I was talking to my mother about being told that I make the performers anxious. And she asked: “why because you're a Black man?” At first, I didn’t think that was the case. But now after doing some reflecting, I believe that was the case. As I doubt the performers have been led by many Black men before.

And now onto the main part of the blog.

Here are the 50 things I learned:

Leading a team is like being a parent. Some people don't stop being children.

2) Be mindful of the way you express yourself. And I hate to say that because it may come across like I’m saying police yourself. I’m not! Don’t police the way you speak to make other people feel comfortable. However, some people can’t handle bluntness, but I would argue if someone can’t handle the way you express yourself, they shouldn’t be working with you. Honestly, I did the bare minimum, I never disrespectfully cussed at anyone, rarely raised my voice and I was told there was anxiety in the room. I feel that I was vilified for being a Black man. The space was giving anti-Blackness because I couldn’t be myself.

3) Just because someone wouldn’t lead the way you would, or make work the way you would, doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

4) Take accountability for things that were in your control, nothing else. Don’t expect other people to take accountability, though.

5) People bring their anxiety, trauma and insecurities into the room and project them onto you. If you’re not a professional, there is nothing you can do besides be patient.

6) If you’re feeling shit, you’re allowed to feel it. Don’t pretend to be happy all the time. That’s unhealthy.

7) You’re not a terrible person if you want to have lunch by yourself. I’m an ambivert. I can be outgoing but I like my space and peace when I’m at work.

8) Only apologise if necessary. Apologising can sometimes cause more harm than good.

9) Snakes exist. Watch your back. I was told that I created an unsafe and toxic environment. And that there was anxiety in the room. I found this puzzling as there was an intimacy co-ordinator. I and the performers discussed what they are not comfortable doing. I took it in and accepted it. One performer said I never caused them any harm. And then another performer said they’ve rarely been anxious in the process, and asked who said that? Hmm. Interesting.

10) Have boundaries in place. This will be different for each person.

11) Making work in a pandemic is not the one. I hate having a plan B, but having a plan B will be so beneficial since we’re currently in a pandemic.

12) Expect to kiss ass a lot. People love to be complimented all of the time. Some people are not secure within themselves and need constant validation. But also collaborators could be out of their comfort zone and need reassurance that they're doing a good job.

13) Consider leadership of giving, instead of leadership of expectation. You may think you have given a lot, but continue to give more.

14) Just because something isn't clear to someone, doesn't mean it’s not clear. Some people are slow. Some people need time to catch up, even if it may take up until the last week of rehearsal. If someone says “none of this makes sense!” in the last week of rehearsal, you probably should’ve never worked with them in the first place.

15) If your project is ambitious be aware there could be bias, jealousy and resentment in the room. I say that because I'm a young, Black, queer, artistic director of my own company, and got just over 50k from Arts Council to make something, as well as commissioned on top of that. People be salty.

16) If you need to have a bitch, only bitch to someone that is completely outside of the process. Don't bitch to your colleagues.

17) People have certain views on power, and once you have it, people will treat you differently because of it. That's what comes with levelling up. But I felt powerless in my process.

18) Don’t work with friends. There can be a blurring that can become dangerous. And they might not take you seriously as a leader.

19) Making work is vulnerable and people show their vulnerabilities in different ways.

20) White people’s whiteness will pop out eventually. You may think you found good white people, ha. Watch it.

21) All skin-folk ain’t kinfolk. I thought my people (Black people) would have my back. I was wrong. Only two out of the seven did.

22) Just because someone says they can do something doesn’t mean they can. I thought I was working with people that could devise, they knew it was a devised process, it was mentioned in their contracts, but I kept getting looks from people like they were Alice in Wonderland. People lie because they want to be a part of something.

23) Work with people that already have an interest and experience engaging with African diaspora religions and BDSM. A lot of people are not about that life.

24) Some people are still very much colonised whether they realise it or not. People are freaked out about engaging with the dead. If you come across people like this, don’t work with them.

25) It doesn't take one person to create a toxic environment. It's a group effort.

26) People show up to work all the time, but it doesn't mean that their heart is truly in it.

27) Trust your gut. Don't let people gaslight you.

28) Repetition is necessary. However, if you’re still talking about that same thing in week 4 of the process, it’s starting to become a piss-take. I came across this lovely quote on Instagram:

“Stop over-explaining yourself.

If they wanted to understand, they would.” - The Pulp Girls

29) Work with people you are compatible with. Think of it as a romantic relationship, if it's working, yay. If it's not, it's not. It's time to move on.

30) If you check out mentally, don't let anyone try and take over the process, especially if you're Black and they are white. Watch out for the coloniser!

31) Not every idea needs to be a collaborative process. Some things just might be for you alone, and that’s okay. Fuck sharing shit with everyone. Because not everyone deserves it.

32) Mental health is tricky. There were access forms sent out to the team members. And no one mentioned issues with mental health, even though it was evident that it was present in the process. Some people will have difficulty being honest about any issues they have with mental health and that’s fine. People need things, but not everyone knows what they need.

33) Don’t take on too much. I was the lead artist, co-director and performer. I also took on some other roles when people couldn't come into the space due to illness, etc.

34) Things may seem way worse to other people than they do to you. And then here comes the white saviour to save the day because they think the space is unsafe due to their issues.

35) Listen. Don't take things personally and try not to get defensive. But expect people to take things personally and to get defensive.

36) If your mental health starts to take over - STOP. No work is worth this amount of stress. I nearly checked into a mental institution.

37) Don’t let people overstep their roles. No seriously, don’t. People get excited and carried away.

38) People have an agenda and will project their views onto things.

39) Make compromises but not to the point where you become numb to the work.

40) Have a mediator and therapist present in the process from the beginning. You can’t hold everything.

41) Trust in people but mostly trust in yourself. People are fickle.

42) People will bitch to you about one person, although will point the finger at you with them in a group setting.

43) You can always benefit from having more time and money. If you need more flexibility around when your work can be made, then you need more flexibility. Don’t work on an organisation’s schedule, work around what is best for you and the work.

44) Not everything is your job. But expect to be blamed for things that are not your job.

45) I thought that since I was working with adults, I shouldn’t have to check up on them to make sure they are doing their job. But I’ve learnt that you have to check up on people, even if they agreed to do some work by signing a contract. Line management is vital.

46) People find it difficult to express themselves. Create something that will help make it easier for them.

47) High school never ends. People change once they start getting closer to other people.

48) Don't be surprised that secret conversations about you are happening. I had a feeling this was going on, next thing you know I was having a conversation where my character was assassinated. I was unfairly compared to Chris Goode because I checked out of the process, and stepped back slightly from engaging with the performers. I was told that the process is like a Chris Goode process. For those of you who don't know, he was a theatre maker, who was an abuser, and predator and later was outed as a paedophile after he committed suicide. Even though I wasn't called those awful things, to me, you can’t separate the man from the process. And no one did or said anything to defend me, which led to me crying hysterically.

49) Don’t be surprised if you get ganged upon. If you ever feel unsafe in your process, do whatever it takes to protect yourself. Take from that what you will.

50) If anyone said or did something wrong to you in a process, never speak to them again. Okay, that was quite extreme. But make sure to take as much space from them as humanly possible.

This list is quite long. But the struggle was real. I am still learning and growing. This process has helped me become wiser in my approach to making work in the future. And I am determined to come back stronger. This is my experience, not saying this will be the same for anyone else.

I hope I haven't put anyone off of leading a big team. If you want to do this, I believe in you. Just make sure you have all of the support, time and the right team around you because I didn’t. And remember that you're human, not Superman, even if people want you to be.

If you know me, you’re aware of how much I love Kendrick Lamar. He’s my KING! Recently, he won the Pulitzer Prize award for his album ‘DAMN.’. And of course, I was so happy for him, because I do believe he should be recognised for the great work he makes. This led me to thinking about myself as an artist and my thoughts on awards and reviews in my field.

I’ve noticed that these things do help the careers of artists. But, I do believe there’s something problematic about this, especially when considering what the work is about. Let’s say my piece of work is about race (which it usually is), then a panel of white judges give me an award. It’s like I have to wait for white people to tell me and the masses my work about race has merit. No, I don’t literally have to wait. However, if I want my career to take off, then yes, I sort of do. It’s kind of the same with theatre critics, they usually don’t give a piece about race, a high star rating because they can’t fully relate to the issues being addressed. And if they do give a high rating, it’s only on some rare occasions, or because they’re potentially suffering from white guilt.

The people who usually give out the awards or are reviewing work, majority of them time are white. It’s like having to wait for master to approve my performance. It seems like the most important gaze is the white gaze. Don’t get me wrong, yes I want people to like my work. And if I got nominated for an award and won, yes, I would be happy. I’ve just learnt that it’s not everything. I’m personally done with giving someone else’s opinion on my work so much power. I know some artists who could never handle a person not wanting to see their work again. It would be the end of the world for some of them. I would find it much more interesting if someone didn’t like my work. Well, that’s just me because I’m not interested in pleasing everyone. It’s all ego for a lot of artists.

But, I do understand how big of a deal it is for someone like Lyn Gardner or Matt Trueman to say a show is incredible, as they have the power to attract more of an audience. That’s if your work requires an audience, of course. Through my research, the careers of the artists I admire seemed to only have taken off after winning awards and receiving high star rated shows. Their work was already great in the first place, but, it seems like those awards and stars elevated their work. Even though, star ratings are subjective.

I remember that there was a prize during my final year of university, all of the degree shows were up for the chance to perform at Transform Festival. We didn’t find out until the beginning of the week of us all performing our degree shows. I’m most competitive when I know there’s a prize at state, so I wanted that award so badly. I didn’t get this award, but a lot of people thought that I would. It was kind of like Macklemore winning over Kendrick Lamar for Best Rap Album at the Grammys in 2014.

I was devastated. I went on to become extremely insecure about my practice and didn’t think I could ever have a performance career. I was convinced that if I didn’t make work like my peers or artists that I studied, then there was no chance for me. That sounds so dramatic, but that’s the honest truth. I started to think about why I didn’t get the award. Were my lecturers racist? No, I don’t think so. But, race definitely had a part to play in the decision making, whether my former lecturers realised it or not. I personally believe that it was because my show ‘FADoubleGOT’ was about my experience of being black and gay. All of my lecturers were white and straight, therefore they couldn’t relate to my show. And even if they did connect or relate, it wasn’t because of their race or sexual orientation.

I started performing at the age of 12 and I am now 24. I’m still technically a young artist and will continue to be emerging for some time. Just like my previous post ‘Shit White People Say and Do In The Arts’, I will like to share some more of my experiences. Even though I’ve been performing for some time, I have always felt that my opinions don’t get taken seriously. People will ask for my opinion, just so I can help them with a bit of research. But, I’m clearly only there to help make the occasion appear more diverse. I’m black, male, gay and young, therefore, I tick a lot of boxes. And it’s not like these people speak to me again once this occasion or research period is over. I feel like I have a lot to say, therefore I’m going to say it, yet why does it seem like no one is really listening to me? I feel like I have to keep repeating myself. I often feel a bit invisible, that sounds ridiculous, but I do. It almost seems as if my experience doesn’t count or it shouldn’t be considered. If I state an unpopular opinion, it’s because I’m young and misguided and not because I just have a mind of my own. I’ve also done more than artists who are older than myself, yet my thoughts are dismissed. I’m young so that means I don’t know anything. And there’s so many older artists that don’t know as much as I do, I guarantee it. This may seem a bit cray, but this shit is real.

A lot of this stems from old bitter artists, that may sound harsh, but it’s true. They exist. And no one has ever told me to look out for them. I might end up being one someday, who knows. There’s even times when older artists say that they’ll collaborate with me or help out with something, but they don’t. Mind you, there are some that have and I appreciate them. But, there’s been others who do a bit of a disappearing act. They tend to go on as if the ideas that we discussed never happened.

Throughout my time of being in the arts, I’ve usually been the youngest person or one of the youngest people within the space. So, I’ve engaged with a lot of artists that are older than me. I always look at the reaction I get when I tell someone about some exciting news. Older artists are usually always like “Oh, great.”  As if they’re thinking they’ve been doing this for so long, so how did he get this done in such a short space of time? I know there’s much more opportunities to apply for nowadays, but that doesn’t mean one has to be bitter. I have even heard some young artists like myself who’s artistic integrity is questioned, just because their young. “Is she really amazing?” has been asked about an artist that I love so much. I have to question why did that come straight to mind when this young artist was getting a lot of praise? What’s your beef? There’s a lot of jealousy and competitiveness. I don’t feel the need to be that way because I believe there’s enough room for all of us. I acknowledge that’s probably because I am still young. I do believe my time will soon come. Have I ever been bitter about someone getting something that I didn’t? Yeah, of course. But, as I’ve matured, I’ve realised you win some, you lose some. That’s just how it is. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like some older people have learnt that yet. No shade.

Throughout my artistic career so far, there have been things white people have said and done that have drove me insane. But, somethings will also have to do with the system as well. There’s so many things, I’m just going to try and keep it brief.

I have always felt that I needed to overly explain why I’m making a piece of work. I’m not talking about funding and performance applications, that’s different. I’m talking about people within the arts. Mind you, I am only speaking for myself and no one else. It’s a shame I even have to say that. Whenever I have to explain why I’m making something, it is usually triggered by a white person. It is always a white person questioning it, and making it out to seem like it shouldn’t happen. The amount of times this has happened is unbearable. I’m done. From now on, I’m no longer explaining to white people why I am making a piece of work. Especially, if the work is about race.

The amount of times I see some mediocre or self indulgent work by white artists, and it’s okay. They get a pass. Yes, I know art is subjective. And how often white artists get away with making work just because they’re interested in that concept. But, I’m not allowed to say that I’m just interested. I’m not allowed to ever be mediocre. I’m not allowed to fail. I always have to try my best to make sure my work is of the highest quality and still not get paid much attention. Yet, a mediocre piece by a white artist will get so much praise. I also feel like I have to write a fucking thesis in order to explain why I’m making something. And even if the thesis is really articulate, it’s still not good enough.

I want to make an exhibition about black people and their happiness in response to becoming socially conscious. And that’s it, that’s what I’m interested in. I want to see black people exploring their happiness because I believe in seeing and showcasing my people in a positive light. But yet, that’s been questioned. Then I get labelled defensive when I want to understand why some questions are being asked. Would it make some people more comfortable if I just focused on the oppression of black people? Does seeing black people happy make you feel uncomfortable? Why question the fact there’s only going to be black people in the exhibition? Do you feel uncomfortable about the fact that you won’t see yourself? Well, that’s how I feel majority of the time when I see work by white artists. I rarely ever see myself. It’s like I always have to consider the white gaze, when there’s plenty of work where white artists are not considering the gaze of people of colour.

There’s so much work out there that’s a huge display of white privilege. There’s things that white artists do, that artists of colour would never get away with. And if artists of colour do it, it’ll be in the back of someone’s garden and not in an institution. I’m so sick of it! I have also been told in the past that I take my work really seriously. What the fuck does that even mean? Yes, this was said by a white person. Yes, I take my work really seriously. This person also said that if they make something and it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. I don’t ever get the chance to think like that.

The classic, “There’s so many BAME opportunities you can apply for!” Yes, there is, but just because those opportunities are there doesn’t mean it’s a guarantee that I will get them. Also, it doesn’t mean my experience of being an artist is much easier. Because there’s so many artists of colour applying for those opportunities. If I was successful, it was because I was lucky that time. Also, let’s remember why affirmative action is there in the first place. For REPRESENTATION! If those opportunities for artists of colour and disabled artists weren’t there, do you think there would be a good amount of representation? The answer is no. Representation is something that is truly important to me and one of the reasons why I make my work.

When I did my performance degree, I wasn’t sure if I could be a performance artist because the majority of artists we studied were white. My lecturers were all white, myself and my bestie Alicia were the only black people in the class. There were artists that inspired me like Tim Miller, Chris Goode and Scottee. But, it was only until I saw the likes of Selina Thompson, Jamal Harewood and Ria Hartley that I felt that I could really do this.

Hey! :) 

It’s that time again, where I put something out into the world. Scary! I promise you, it’s not something too provocative this time. Ha! But, it helps to push me to make it happen. So, here it goes…

I am going to make an exhibition called ‘Conscious and Happy’. This will be my fifth instalment of my body of work ‘Boxes’, which is focusing on the concepts of labels and privilege. This exhibition will explore being in two states of mind. The first time I became socially conscious about racial inequality, I was angry all the time. I was obsessed about bringing an end to white supremacy. I remember the impact it had on my mental health. I forgot to enjoy my life and to be happy. Through photography, audio and artefacts, Black people will display what makes them happy. I personally have rarely ever seen the words ‘conscious’ and ‘happy’ together. I want this exhibition to be a reflection of the world I would like to live in. Seeing an abundance of black people being conscious, but also being happy.

It’ll be good for me to get out of my comfort zone of always being on stage. Exploring a different art form that I’m not used to. I want to create something where I won’t always have to be present. I also want to focus on something that is strictly positive and not negative. As my past work has always focused on the bad things in life. I want to interview Black people from different ages, genders, ethnic backgrounds and occupations. Also, considering Black people based in different parts of the UK and beyond, as I want to explore various types of Black happiness. But, before I can do this, I need to spend time researching happiness and unpacking the different stages of becoming socially conscious as a black person. I’m hoping this research will help to make this exhibition a reality. In hopes that the results from the exhibition, will then lead onto becoming a bigger theatre production showcasing similar themes.

So, now I’ve announced it to the world. 

I have to do it! Wish me luck!

I’m getting closer to my next work in progress sharing. It’s going to be exciting to see where the piece will be by then. There’s always the benefits from doing it in front of the audience, I get to see what works, what doesn’t and what could work if I develop it further. Not having the chance to test it out on the audience much has had an impact on the development. Because with this piece, I need to consider the audience more because it’s interactive. I kind of feel the pressure to try and outdo myself. Trying to make sure that it’s better than my debut solo show ‘FADoubleGOT’. But, I need to remember that’s not the reason why I make performance in the first place.

I have recently decided to no longer speak about gender and feminism within my work. It will help to make the work much more focused, if I just keep it about the way we talk about racial inequality. This will make it much easier for the audience, instead of me constantly going back and forth from race to gender. Dogmatic will also be less problematic in terms of me critiquing aspects of feminism, which was made to help elevate women. It’s also important for me to acknowledge that I am coming from a privileged position. And I don’t believe this piece will succeed if I don’t do that. I also have been told in the past that I should stay in my lane. So, I believe it is best to let it go. But then again, I don’t want it to seem like I’m not paying attention to what women of colour and trans people of colour have to go through as well. It will be a difficult piece to get right. But, I do love a challenge.

Like I have said previously before in this blog, I have added more of the personal into the piece. Therefore, the audiences will see what happened when I became socially conscious and where I am now. There will still be other voices within the piece, because I think it’s important for me to not only be in my head. And it’s crucial for my opinions and other opinions to be challenged by others. The audience at some points will get the chance to state which opinions they agree or disagree with.

I am currently reading ‘Why I’m No Longer Talking To White People About Race’ by Reni Eddo- Lodge. I am learning a lot more about racial inequality but in Britain. Because the majority of my sources are from the USA. It is quite a hard read because I end up getting reminded of things that I have experienced. And then I begin to wonder if they’ll ever be a time where when we speak about black people, they’ll be more joy attached to it. Not saying that there never is. It’s just often always about the struggle and not always about uplifting black people. This is a topic I will definitely try to explore more within Dogmatic.

The process of ‘Dogmatic’ has been an interesting one. I have currently hit another block. I think that’s because I need to work with an audience again. I won’t be doing that until October. Making an ‘interactive’ performance is so hard! There’s a bunch of things that I am slightly worried about. But, that’s inevitable. The research is also having an impact on my mental health, I need to think about self-care. Try to make sure I take an appropriate amount of time away from research but I can’t. I want to make sure that the show is the best that it can be. It’s the perfectionist in me, I can’t help it.

The piece has developed a lot since my last sharing at Theatre Deli. I have added myself within the text a bit more. I shine a light on why I chose to make this work and my personal experience of being dogmatic. I was trying my very best to not make another autobiographical piece. But, I guess I am. It’s best not to try and force things because it will end up backfiring. This time round I am including other people’s thoughts and not just my own. I believe this will make the piece much more entertaining. It’s good when you’re not stuck in your own head.

With doing the research, it’s quite fascinating and annoying being in the middle. Because I can see where both sides are coming from. I also believe that it is helping me with understanding my views a bit more and making my arguments stronger. I personally favour when one debates off of logic and evidence. Not emotion. There’s nothing wrong with being emotional but we’re not going to get anywhere if we’re just complaining about what one has experienced all day. It’s probably best to have both logic and emotion, just to balance each other out. Both need each other. I keep noticing that the right and the left can be as bad as each other. And to be honest, both sides are getting on my last nerves. That’s why I choose to not associate myself with either. Although, I am probably much more left-wing than I am right.

That leads me to another issue, which is not referencing enough academia. That’s because I want the piece to be as accessible as possible. Not every audience member will understand scholarly language. I’m already using terminology that some people may not know. But then again, I don’t want the piece to become patronising when I tell audiences what some words means. There’s also the issue of academia having a liberal bias. In order to make the piece much more engaging, I’m going to have to get material from other sources. I guess I’m just worried that some audience members won’t take the piece seriously. Especially, when seeing that the bibliography is not just scholarly text. However, it’s important for the piece to have both left-wing and right-wing views. Just so the audience can witness each side challenging each other. This will then end with the audience deciding for themselves which argument works best for them.

As a part of my research for the past few months, I have been engaging in discussions and debates on Facebook. I like to call them my mini live art pieces. With currently building my reputation of being a provocateur and playing Devil’s advocate; I think I am doing quite well. I guess you can say I’ve been trolling and pissing people off a bit. I acknowledge my approaches are probably not the best. But, some of these debates and discussions have gotten quite ugly. Surprise surprise. Recently, I decided to go a bit further than usual. I posted (with a blue background) I’m voting Conservative. Someone convince me why I shouldn’t. This resulted in a couple people unfriending me and a person who was once a friend to block me.  On this occasion, I didn’t want to go back and forth with everyone so much. I just wanted people to share their opinions and for that to be it. To then have a thread filled with articulate reasons why one shouldn’t vote Conservative.  I often found that some people would vote Labour, just for the sake of it. But, they didn’t always have any in depth reasons for voting for that particular party. One of the aims was to convince others on my Facebook, who may have an interest in voting Conservative, not to do so. I also wanted people to work on their arguments as well. Majority of the people commenting on the thread were people involved in the arts. So, there was a lot of passion!

The audience/my Facebook friends had a task, some achieved it and some failed. Some responded nicely and others didn’t. I was told that this post and previous posts have been ‘violent’. But, the posts were just disagreements with popular opinions. Some felt patronised just because I said ‘thank you’ and I also told them ‘you did what I asked’. This meant they followed the instructions of the performance correctly. However, they didn’t know it was a performance. But, I liked that they didn’t. There’s no way it would be as entertaining if I told everyone this is a mini live art piece. Some of the audience even said that it felt like a game and we shouldn’t be playing with things like this. But, regardless of whatever I do adults are adults and they can make their own decisions. Just because one person saw me jokingly say what I said, doesn’t mean I have brainwashed them. It can be quite demeaning to some people, to go on as if they can’t make up their minds by themselves.

To be clear, I have no interest in voting Conservative. And I never did, if you knew me, you would know that already. I think the people who commented and seemed offended, showed that they didn’t know me well at all. None of my closest friends commented in that way, and if they did or didn’t comment, they knew exactly what I was doing. I did it because I knew I would get a response. One of the things that I found quite fascinating was that people were hesitant to convince me not to vote Conservative. Then there were the ones that were quick to rise to the bait. Which is exactly what I live for! I feel that some people are easily offended. And I can say this because I used to be one of those people. Derogatory terms, yeah I get it. There is nothing wrong with being offended by that. But, me saying that I’m voting for a particular political party? Come on!

During this performance, I was called a bully, bigot, a horrible person, a massive dick and my personal favourite Tory boy haha. I was told that my comments were upsetting and hateful, but yet I get called those things. All I said was that I was voting Conservative and so many people were triggered. I acknowledge that people’s lives will change dependant on the vote. But, still there’s no need for the name-calling, just hit me back with a good argument. You’re just making your side look weak if you result to name-calling.

There’s always the element of contradiction from participants in these discussions. All I wanted was for people to share their views on why one shouldn’t vote Conservative. Is that too much to ask for? Could I have given more context? Could I have been a bit nicer, maybe? Absolutely. I think people do need to drop the expectation of everyone being nice to them; they’ll just end up being disappointed. I also still don’t believe I need to give anyone a reason for why I posted something on my own Facebook timeline. As I never question why someone posts something on their timeline, because that’s none of my business. But, I will work on the way I write back to people that I engage with. There’s no harm in being extra nice! 

These discussions (to me) are about pushing buttons and unpacking why people are reacting this way. Getting people to come back with their strongest and best arguments, to shift my and other people’s thinking.  It’s evident that many people are trapped in echo-chambers. I have discovered that name-calling happens a lot. There are huge assumptions made about why people will vote Conservative. Some people don’t know the reasons why (because they don’t listen to differing opinions often) and some may have valid reasons for voting for them. The name-calling does much more harm than good. It’s what I believe leads certain people drifting away from the left and going more towards to right side of the political spectrum. Let your adversaries state their opinions. You should want that, surely? That way you can defeat them with your own opinions. Those are my personal thoughts and I don’t mind them being challenged.

Last night I did a work-in-progress sharing at Theatre Delicatessen in Sheffield. I personally HATE sharing my work in it’s early stages, but I know it is needed, especially when making an interactive performance. The majority of the responses were positive and I feel that I am currently in a good place. But, there’s still so much work to be done. I also can’t forget about how some people were triggered by some of the content. That’s expected though, I am making a piece that’s focusing on the way we talk about racial and gender inequality after all. But, it’s important to have a good mix of reactions. I believe that this is a sign that I am heading in the right direction. I would be really worried if everyone said that they loved it. I’m glad I am making work that pushes buttons and makes people feel uncomfortable. I think it’s important to play with people’s emotions in a piece of work. I don’t always like it when I go and see a show and I feel the same way throughout.

The piece is basically a reflection of society and it seemed as if some people couldn’t handle it. And some felt like I was out to get them. Some hear a few words and then they are triggered. For example I asked: ‘Can I have a show of hands for anyone who thinks that when talking about race and gender, white people, cis people and men just need to shut up and listen?’ An audience member heard me just say white cis men (he was this) and didn’t think it was fair for me to pin point at them. But, that’s not what I was doing. I am cis and also a man so there will be points where I may need to listen to things as well. I wasn’t out to get white cis men or pointing fingers at them. I think he just heard the things that he is and got a bit triggered. No one punched in the face though, so it’s all good. But, I believe that I did make a safe space in terms of people feeling comfortable enough to express their views. There was healthy debate and discussion which is what it always needs to be. A lot of people had things to say and everyone wanted to engage in the piece and that made me so happy!  I need to figure out how to prevent people from going off on tangents though; but I’m so glad the piece sparked a lot of debate. There was also a lot of passionate people in that room.

I got the chance to explore some really ambitious ideas. One being that I ‘tried’ to separate everyone based on their race, gender, class, sexual orientation, ability and religion (forgot to do that one). Just to showcase how ridiculous it can be to always put people into boxes. It wasn’t an easy task to do and I could feel that people felt extremely uncomfortable with it, before I even asked how they were feeling. Some felt suspicious of me for doing it and I found that quite hilarious. There’s an important element of audience care here, especially when some individuals may be standing by themselves. I was also quite surprised by why the audience felt so uncomfortable. Because they are associated with the boxes that I put them in. They are those things and that’s something we do in society, we're always ticking and putting things into boxes. Even the people who don’t want to be labeled, will be labeled the ones that don’t want to be labeled. It’s just the norm and unfortunately I don’t think there is a way out of it. It’s just so ingrained within our society.

I also discovered that there’s so much weight to words, once a name or a particular type of person isn’t attached to it. There’s a person that people on the left despise that I quoted in the show. I didn’t use his name of course, because I don’t believe people would’ve taken the quote seriously. But, the majority of people in the room agreed with him. And I also quoted someone whose popular on the left, but many people didn’t agree with her quote, which I found really interesting. I wonder how certain quotes would have been received if I did mention the person’s name. This shows that it’s good for people to be open to different types of ideas.

This is how it should be. It’s okay for us to disagree! It shouldn’t be my way or no way. It was so nice to see people with different opinions happy to have a discussion. 

I am currently a bit stuck. I am thinking whether or not the piece would benefit from some autobiographical stories of how I used to be dogmatic. Will it give the piece a bit more weight? A bit more substance, perhaps? At the moment, I’m currently putting words in people’s mouths and getting them to do some bits and bobs. And also getting them to reflect on what has been said. But, is that enough? Will that lead the audience to take away something from the work?

However, I am afraid of making another personal piece. I want to get out of my comfort zone of being personal and vulnerable within my work. I want it to be more audience focused and I don’t want my views to influence audience members too much. We will be focusing on race and gender after all and some may be afraid to disagree with me. I want to know: What do they think? And why do they think that way? That’s much more interesting to me than just making another autobiographical piece. I love autobiographical work, but I want to challenge myself. And I don’t think me telling more autobiographical stories is going to do the trick. There’s already a bit of autobiography in the introduction. Maybe, it’s about expanding the introduction a bit more and then just leaving it there. My views will no longer come into the space after that point. Or will it? Only time will tell.

There’s some potential of the audience to hear too much of what I think; and they may not feel too comfortable with sharing their views if they differ to mine. However, some audience members may want me to lead, and would like me to offer them something in return. I like the fact that the piece as it stands is just purely political and not too personal. And yes, I know personal is political. But, I’m going to see how I feel.

I am currently looking over the quotes that are included in the piece. I’m trying to figure out if they’re varied enough and will spark debate. Less is more. Plus, I don’t want anything to be included in the piece just to fill time. I want things in there because it has purpose. I want to make sure the audience knows that I am exploring dogmatic thinking. Because I can see some people trying to challenge me on certain things. For example, not including better representations of voices from one side of the political spectrum. But, it’s important to focus on the bad representations because that’s what drives people away from joining a particular movement.

I also need to find a way to make sure audience members feel comfortable when engaging in the piece. What things can I do as the artist to care for the audience? Or do I just make sure the content is just hard-hitting throughout? Haha, I’m only kidding. But, it’s important for there to be a balance. I don’t want it to be a piece that’s too mean or too nice. And if it is mean, it will probably be mean to people who are dogmatic in their thinking. Those are the ones that will have an issue with this piece. It needs to be balanced that way it could lead to a civil discussion and not people screaming at each other. I need to prepare for that because it could happen. 

I am making a new show called ‘Dogmatic’ (formerly known as ‘God Complex’). It will be an interactive performance focusing on the way we talk about racial and gender inequality. It will examine opinions and showcase what leads to one becoming dogmatic. Exploring how all of our views should be expressed and challenged; as no idea is above scrutiny. An audience will also display some things they may agree or not agree with. They will also have a chance to reflect on the material included within the piece. I decided to keep track of my process for developing this show. Let’s see how it goes…

At the moment, I believe that ‘Dogmatic’ is trying to find answers to these questions:

What are the dangers of dogmatism?

Will being dogmatic help us in finding solutions to racial and gender inequality?

Why do we value other people’s opinions over others?

Is there such a thing as a free marketplace of ideas?

The inspiration for this piece came from a personal experience of myself being dogmatic in my thinking. For example, when I first became socially conscious I believed that everything I thought in relation to race was accurate. And if you were a white person and disagreed with me on it, I would have a serious issue with you. But now, I believe that if you know what you think is right, you shouldn’t have a problem with people challenging you on a topic like race inequality. However, there should always be a line. The line for me now is that I don’t think a white person could tell me that I have never experienced something, when I know full well that I have. And I’ll never say to a woman that she has never experienced something if she said that she has.

Reasons why some people are dogmatic:

1) Personal experience. People have been through a lot and that could lead them to having dogmatic beliefs. But, is personal experience always enough? This is a quote that I like: “You can’t just go by your experience, you have to test it. And see if your interpretation holds up to criticism.” - Christina Hoff Sommers

2) Academics believing that because they read a few books that means they know everything about racism and sexism. This is an interesting point because there’s the element of one’s opinion being informed. Therefore, it could be seen as more valid than most opinions. So, does that mean a white person with a PhD in black studies could tell me about my black experience? Because you know, after all they know so much about it. I don’t think so. But, academics do love to tell me to read certain books and articles. 

3) Guilt. Some people will listen to anything a person of colour has to say about race or what a woman or trans person has to say about gender. They wouldn’t dare disagree because they feel too guilty. Yes, it may be good that they’re listening. But, guilt doesn’t achieve anything. You’re not helping anyone when you have guilt. I can’t stand it when someone says something like: ‘I am a man so I find it hard to comment.’ Why?! Because you feel guilty? Eurgh - give me a break! They’re dogmatic when thinking they just need to shut up and listen. These guilty ones would then go on to use what they’ve been told as gospel.

I noticed this dogmatic behaviour from some people when engaging in debates on Facebook. A lot of it was from people being upset because I didn’t agree with their ideology. I acknowledge why people can be upset, but one being emotional all of the time doesn’t always help in fixing an issue. What are you going to do with that anger? And no, I am not saying join Antifa and then punch someone you disagree with in the face. How can you use that anger and do something positive or useful with it?