tw // vent
wonder if i can vent here without anyone knowing about it,, if so that would be so cool and pog. i dont want any of my friends to see these since idk,, i just dont want them to. anyway,, if ik you pls dont read/interact this,, i dont want to deal with your questions and shit,, no offense. recently ive been struggling with my emotions with a certain friend. I’ve liked her for a bit,, i confessed to her recently, which she said she liked me too, but i dont believe her,, i just kinda feel down? she left really quickly once she did,, i think i made her really uncomfy when i confessed and i regret that. we havent really talked since then and i feel like shit. I tried to talk to her on sunday, but it was short-lived and i just,, struggled lol. I hate how ive gained these feelings for her. i feel like i ruined our entire friendship since she doesn’t really talk to me anymore. we dont have the convos we had months ago,, where we would talk for hours. and i feel like we dont since i fucking ruined it. she also texts dryly and sends short messages, which fucks with my head since that tells me that shes not interesting in talking to me. even if it isnt true, i just get insecure and turned off. ever since i started to get these feelings i just ruined everything. i wanna ask her out,, but im afraid of being in a relationship,, plus we don’t talk that much, which kinda turns me off from it. im afraid that she’ll breakup with me too really quickly, since she isn’t ready or something. which is valid, but if thats the case, i dont want to risk my feelings hurting even more. and i recently became friends with this one person,, and theyre super cool,, i can tease the fuck out of them and they can do the same to me,, but i feel like i annoy them. recently they’ve been using more puncuation and smaller and dryer messages and i feel like im just annoying them. and it sucks, since i really like and care for them. i,, just feel like ive been ruining all the friendships/relationships i have because,, im me. i so badly just want to drink alcohol and forget everything. literally everything. i just want to forget myself and become a new person. i want to leave everything behind. im so sick of having to deal with these emotions. school is so fucking hard now and i have no motivation to even continue it. i want to communicate my feelings so badly to people, but i can never do it. due to past experiences,, i just get so anxious and afraid that they’ll shut me down. maybe this is why im posting this post. so i can finally get this shit off of my chest, without, at least hoping, that none of my friends see this since i can’t actually bring it up to them lol. im such a pussy. i hate myself so much and regret every second that i live. this is getting really long lmao but oh well. ive been holding this shit in for weeks and its so strong. i so badly want to cry and just isolate myself from everyone. i want to forget everyone. watch me lose my friends, and her. god,, she has me so fucked up. i love her but,, damn it hurts too. i dont hate her or anything,, i just wish my emotions weren’t like this. theres so much more i could vent about when it comes to my feelings about her, but i wont. in case she does see this i dont want her to think she ruined my life or something. shes made it so much better,, its just the negative things are really consuming my head. if anything, ive noticed this crush is a lot like the crush i had back in 5th grade, for this boy that i loved. he was my bsf too at the time and the timing and situations are way too fucking similar. i never confessed to him tho,, which im sad i didn’t. we probably couldve had something, but i was too much of a pussy to say shit. same with him. at least i wasn’t too much of a pussy with her. but,, the one thing i was afraid of ruining back in the day might be happening now. why is this shit so hard and confusing. wish i could just never get feelings. ive talked a lot about her in this post huh,, jufejf i guess its just been bothering me recently. why do i think everyone hates me? or at least, why do i think that? its so stupid. no matter how much reassurance people give me,, my brain just refuses to believe them. my brain never fucking does. it probably will never either. im hoping that since this post is really long that this will turn people off from reading it. im so afraid of hurting the people i care about in this post,, this is probably another reason why i never vent. i dont want to hurt peoples feelings. i always manage on doing that tho. intentional or not. sorry if my grammar and structure is bad. im stupid lol. lets hope nothing goes to shit when i post this <3
