Hi
So I had a baby a year ago. I’ve honestly lost myself in being a mother. I’m not sad all the time anymore. I’m just trying to survive and help my son thrive. It’s hard. I don’t even know who I am. I was shopping today and I didn’t even know what my style is. The post partum depression for me was terrible and I think it still is. I’m married now and my husband hates his job so he’s just so sad and quiet all the time. (Yes it’s the same guy I posted about years ago hoping it would work out when we moved in together.) I don’t work. I just stay home all day. I have gained weight. I have a million stretch marks. My hair is always greasy and in a messy bun. My legs are never shaved. I’m always in leggings and a tshirt. It’s just this isn’t me. I don’t need to be so numb and just surviving. I want to live. I want to finish school and get a job and find my fashion style and learn how to do my hair again and clean my car and decorate my walls and buy good smelling lotion and feed the animals on a schedule every day and go to the beach and not think about what my next meal is. I have so much food noise in my head it is constant. I have no idea how I will ever break the chains from this eating disorder. The food noise is so loud. So much. So crazy. It controls me every single day. I have food noise more than I think about my own child. Like it is so bad. What can I do. I have no idea. And at this point I don’t even think my body can be saved. It would take plastic surgery which is way too expensive. I’m just ugly forever. The only time I’m happy is when I’m drunk and the baby isn’t crying. He cries a lot lol. I love him but it makes me stressed because I already have a constant noise in my head so his adding to it makes it hard. But now he’s a year old. We are wrapping up breastfeeding so I feel like maybe it’s time to get back to me. I don’t know.
