itslysa

It’s a regular night at home. I’m minding my own business. Making dinner, leaning the kitchen, watching TV, doing my regular weeknight routine. I have my rose water and ivy candle burning. Drifting off to sleep on the couch. A knock at the door startles me awake. 

It’s been so long since I’ve heard your voice just for me. Your laugh is the most satisfying sound to hear. My ears are longing for that sound. To watch you sleep and to feel you hold me in your arms. To smell your scent on my sheets. 

I walk over to look to see who’s outside. My heart leaps into my stomach when I see your stupid face. You say “I know you’re home. Just open up, I want to talk.” I flip one lock, then another, and the last one. I see you smile. That damned smile you do every time. 

“Why should I let you in? Give me one good reason.”, I say. “Because I’m sorry”, you say for the millionth time. 

You come in as I get us comfortable, change the TV to music, pour us two glasses of wine. You are shiftless and nervous. “Go ahead”, I muster as I watch the ice cubes melt in my glass. “I’m listening.” I say between sips. 

Of course I flashback to other times; better times. You asking me to dance in my own living room. Slow dancing to Ed Sheeran, gazing into your stupid eyes. I thought I loved you before, but that was the day I knew. 

“I love you.”, you say. I choke a little bit on my wine. “Excuse me?”, I manage to get out between coughs. You go on to explain that after all this time, you realize how much you miss me and that you don’t want to go another day without me being by your side or hearing my voice. You go on to say all these wonderful things. Things I thought I would never hear you say. 

It all seems too good to be true. “I love you.” I never thought I would hear it from you. It feels like a fantasy. You lean in and kiss me. My eyes close. I wrap my arms around your neck and you pick me up and make me feel so small but so safe and protected. “I love you back.”, I say whispering in your ear. 

BANG

The valet trash can lid slams shut. My eyes fly open. Another fantasy.

Why do you make my mind all fuzzy? My limbs tingle when I think of you. My mind has video memories but no sound. Why can’t I remember our conversations? I would love to play those happy words over and over in my head. Instead, because I’m stuck here, I have to play back the awful ones. When you told me you didn’t love me too. When I told you that you had to say it to me. I thought those would be the magic words that would finally snap me out of your trance. 

But then I see you. A big thunderstorm that makes my satellite connection black out. Service interrupted. All of the words I prepare in my mind, all of the speeches I had ready, disappear into the cloud; lost forever. All of the promises I made myself about holding grudges, being bitter, acting angry, ignoring you, making you suffer, melt away with the rain. Things get all steamy and the atmosphere smells like rain on the hot pavement. 

Then the clouds part, and service resumes. You cross the line. You smash my heart all over again. A knife into my back and a punch in my gut. All I want to do is crawl up and cry. Why don’t you love me back? What is so wrong and broken with you that you cannot accept love? Because you’re damaged? Because you can’t get over that some bitch told you to fuck off? Well I’ve said that to you too and you couldn’t care less. You still send me snaps and the wyd texts at all hours. 

And so why do you care? You only contact me because you know I melt, I cave, I do whatever you want. Because I LOVE YOU AND I SAID IT TO YOU AND NOTHING CHANGED AND YOU DON’T CARE.

                                                   { b l a c k o u t }