on one hand this is hysterically funny, but on the other someone’s gonna get lit on fire or blown up at this rate lmao
This is… not that hard….
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Monterey Bay Aquarium

祝日 / Permanent Vacation

Kiana Khansmith
hello vonnie
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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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@itslamey
on one hand this is hysterically funny, but on the other someone’s gonna get lit on fire or blown up at this rate lmao
This is… not that hard….

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Where the milfs
with their kids
I don’t wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your neck.
The 1975 (via neckkiss)
shoutout to the time my mom was hammered and i heard her trying to tell my dad that she murdered her first husband years ago and my dad very patiently said “i saw glenn in an elevator last week”

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Chubby Checkers.
KIDS ARE SO RUTHLESS
“You look slow and easy to kill”
Jeremy didn’t come to play
But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it. Batman Returns
For sea witches or anyone else who needs a little ocean magic in their life today

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“I’ve NEVER. Eaten a DONUT. In my ENTIRE LIFE. And I’m NOT. About to start NOW.”
-Crazy customer I had today, upon being offered a complimentary donut
Why is this a real thing that happened in the real world what’s the meaning of this
I’m just gonna copy paste the story here from discord because honestly the whole story is worth hearing
so lady comes through drive thru. “Hi what can I get for you?” “A sesame bagel with extra cream cheese.” “A sesame bagel with extra cream cheese, sure no problem, can I get you anything else today?” “No” “Alright, you can pull up” and I just hear this quiet disgrunted “ ‘Please’ ?” I’m like uhhhhh, was that even directed at me, I don’t know, I don’t know how to respond to that so I just ignore it like I didn’t hear it. I go up to the window and see this woman, which she honestly looked like a tomato with messy gray hair. Before I have the window halfway open I see her roll her eyes at me so I’m like oh boy here we go, time to put on the stupid sweet customer voice “Hi how are you today?” She hands me the money for her bagel and goes “Just a tip. It’s ‘Please pull up to the window.’ not ‘pull up.’ I found that incredibly rude.” I go “I’m sorry about that, I didn’t intend for that to be rude, I just meant that it was okay to pull up to the window now.” “I know what you meant. But it was rude.” “Well, I apologize. Here’s your bagel, have a great day.” She goes “I’m a MYSTERY SHOPPER.” (If you don’t have Mystery shoppers where you are, it’s kind of like undercover boss where the store owner hires someone through the Mystery shopper program and they place a regular order just to make sure people are following policy) I’m like “… ok” So I’m about to tell my boss and coworker what just happened when she comes in. And I jump to the front counter because no way I’m letting her talk to my boss before I do. “Hi, can I help you?” “Yes. This bagel was supposed to be NOT toasted. You toasted it.” “Ohh, I’m so sorry about that! I didn’t hear that. I’ll make you a new one right now.” Coworker beats me to the bagel and I say “A little extra cream cheese on that.” She looks at my boss “She just said a LITTLE cream cheese. I wanted EXTRA cream cheese.” Boss goes “Oh, she said a little extra cream cheese.” “Oh” Boss goes into kiss ass mode as well and says, “I’m sorry about the mistake, would you like a donut?” Lady goes “I’ve never. Eaten a donut. In my ENTIRE LIFE. and I’m NOT. About to start NOW.” Boss is like “… ok” and we’re all internally going sdhakgsdgkja?
So we get the bagel out and she says to my boss “And I have one more thing to say.” She leans in with a sneer. “Mystery shopper.” boss goes “We don’t do that here.” “yea you do.” “No we don’t.” “yea you do.” “Have a good day.”
Basically we’re pretty sure the lady was crazy and she was absolutely lying because Mystery shoppers are not allowed to tell you that they’re mystery shoppers, and they aren’t allowed to coach you. And even if she was, “please” is not one of the things they look for. They look for a Greeting, whether or not you repeated the order and the price back, and whether or not you upsold. We haven’t participated in the program in over 7 years.
do you remember the first time you heard take me to church and you felt your skin melt off your body?
when someone says I’m being over dramatic
No but this is actually me with every little petty issue I have
david: virgo, libra, sagittarius, taurus alex: LEO, gemini, aries table: cancer, pisces, scorpio, aquarius
question: how would you deal with cyber attacks against the US government?
donald trump: i am so strongly against cyber. we came up with the internet. cyber is a big issue. we need to be SMART and QUICK. let me tell you. my son has a computer. he’s 10! he’s so good on that computer so good you wouldn’t believe it!
republicans:
This sounds like a joke BUT HE SAID THIS!!!!
A Two-Year-Old’s Solution to the Trolley Problem
[x]
Philosophy: Solved
I’ve never laughed so hard

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When people dont hit me up for a long time and then they finally do one random day i wonder why they doing it like do they really miss talkin to me or is it cause nobody else wanna talk to them so they talk to me