It Seems Sort of Not

BC: UGH.

Me: ...

BC: *poke poke*

Me: ...

BC: I just thought that you’d pop out a couple of croissants. Oh well.

We’re dog sitting one of our favorite little pups, Kingston, who’s a very docile dog. Some would even say he’s cat-like. He sleeps at the end of our bed when he stays at our house, and last night, there was an incident. 

BC: *sits up in bed, violently, as he so often does*

*reaches hand forward, palm out, in Kingston’s direction*

Me: ...what in the world is he doing?

BC: *suddenly yelling* WOAH WOAH WOAH!!!!

Kingston: *thinking he’s getting yelled at in the middle of the night for no reason* WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!!

BC: *waking up for real because Kingston is barking and getting mad that he’s barking in the middle of the night for no reason* WOAH WOAH WOAH!!!!

Me: OKAY EVERYONE GO THE HELL BACK TO SLEEP. 

BC & Kingston: *go back to sleep*

Two nights ago, I had to sleep in our guest bedroom because we were dog sitting and I was afraid I was having an allergic reaction to said dog. Why didn’t we just make the dog sleep somewhere other than on our bed? No one really knows.

The next morning, Bryan discovered he was sleeping next to a cookie sheet. He quietly put the cookie sheet back where it belongs and did not disclose this discovery to me for a full day. He then sheepishly admitted that he vaguely remembers getting the cookie sheet in the middle of the night and placing it where my pillow usually is. And that it made a lot of sense at the time (which was, presumably, 3AM).

Me: *wakes up to BC poking and massaging my face*

BC: *looks over shoulder* 

You guys got this? Do y’all have this?

BC: YIKES!

*rips back all of the blankets and sheets, looking around frantically*

BC: It’s that THING!

Me: Did you get bitten by something?

BC: *IS ACTUALLY FULLY AWAKE ALL OF A SUDDEN* 

No...I don’t know what I’m doing. 

BC SLEEPTALKER // ENTRY #15

BC: Oh dear...

Oh dear...

Hodor...

Me: *wakes up to BC sitting up in bed seeming exacerbated*

BC: Ugh. Ok here we go!

Is my wife even here yet?

...

Or is she off being lazy somewhere?

Me: UHHH EXCUSE ME.

BC: Hahahaha

It’s like literally a trail.

...

...

A blood trail.

Me: *wakes up around 3AM to BC getting out of bed* 

Me: What are you doing?

BC: Putting shorts on.

Me: Why??

BC: To go check on the...

...

...

Me: Go back to sleep.

BC: hahaha

BC: “WATCH OUT!!!!”

*starts trying to put glasses on face*

*sets them back on table*

*goes back into deep sleep*

BC: “...a lot of blue pills in here today.”

BC: “...HUGE daughter.”

Me: *wakes to BC STANDING ON TOP OF THE BED REACHING TOWARD THE CEILING*

Me: What the...WHAT ARE YOU...LAY BACK DOWN.