idk if itās like tmi to share about my uncle & sister when discussing hodor & sweetrobin, itās just honestly hard not to think about them. i donāt always like to analyze thru the lense of my life, but i was thinking about it a lot today. i think the experience of growing up with a dying sister & a schizophrenic uncle made me a much more complex & i hope better more understanding person and i can only hope that those two felt the same about me, that my existence in their lives was a positive. and i see these patterns within my own life that exist within the lives of sansa and bran, as The Kid In The House With Them, and i honestly find it fascinating how well the feeling was captured.
one thing (and this is so random) that i point to as another really good example of Being The Kid In A House With Someone Who Is Sick is the comedian daniel sloss, he has these bits about his sister that i find hysterical bc i completely understand them. he details his reaction to his sisterās death & it is, i swear to god, the EXACT reaction i had to my sisterās death. just complete agony & then āokay time to go to school bye!!!ā that was the moment i was like āthis guy is an ARTISTEā and itās bc he made one of the worst days of my life FUNNY.
very similarly, i think asoiaf & hodor and sweetrobin mirror my own life so intensely itās a bit remarkable to me. the things bran struggles with are a much worse, fantastical version of something i remember clearly struggling with & that was that i could be QUITE a bossy little brat with my uncleā¦.bc everyone around me was like that with him! and my uncle is quite different from hodor - in fact, my favorite memory i have of him is when my grandma snapped āare you crazy? are you mad??ā at him bc he had poured half a tub of gravy on a paper plate (it was for his mash which was also on the plate heās valid), and my uncle very drily went āwell yeah mom, isnāt that the problem?ā and she felt TERRIBLE while he LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF, so to be clear, my uncle was verbal lol & quite witty - but there ARE some crazy similarities that read as so authentic to me within the story (witty he was, but he DID just stop talking & stare sometimes & i say this not to, idk, use him but i think itās important to be a bit transparent about this stuff, that he struggled his whole life with being present bc he was Not getting the healthcare he needed to be lucid. he was a very tricky sort of case & we did not have money & that meant his downswings were a lot more severe. it sucked, for him especially!).
i think the way that thereās this sort of conflicting idea within the story of āhodor is a man not a muleā and āhodor is branās legsā that makes it hard for bran to truly grasp the concept of hodorās personhood. and i think as a child i saw my uncle as a child bc other people spoke to him like he was one. but when i was his caretaker towards the end of his life, he got quite upset with my grandpa for talking down to him during an argument & it made me really reflect. like yeah, iām sure it doesnāt help him at all that every time he complains it gets chalked up to āthere he is being weirdā can the man not just get cold & turn the heat up? why does it have to be a sign of the end times & his meds not working again? and i think a LOT about the way bran rationalizes raping hodorās mind bc hodor doesnāt fight back & he gives hodorās body back. itās this constant fight for autonomy, in a way that everyone else does NOT have to fight. and i see it SO ACUTELY in hodor, that frustration that the people you love do not take your personhood seriously (for the record, i bought him a heated blanket to fix the issue & everyone was happy. like, the man was cold damn).
and the sweetrobin/my sister stuff is very intense for me. like with daniel sloss, this part specifically i think really shows how talented of a writer grrm is. he can get into the head of anyone & understand them, truly. thereās so much energy spent on this one child, but you are also a child. old enough to understand why this one gets the attention, not old enough to not take it personally. i deeply understand lysa; i used to get out of bed and watch my sister sleep, when she was finally āokayā enough to not be in my momās room & sleep in the kids room with the rest of us. i would just get nervous something might happen. it was silly, bc ultimately once she was āokayā she was actually quite healthy up until the day she died, but of course all i thought about was āwhat if something happens and im the one in the room?ā when i read sansaās chapter with him going down the mountain & the way they hold each other on the way down, i think about our last good day, where we went to the zoo & they had this ladybug exhibit and a zookeeper poured hundreds, thousands of ladybugs into our hands & my sister giggled the whole time at the feeling. it feels like, for just a bit, when im reading about hodor, or sweetrobin, or shireen, i feel like,,,,,,the memories dont have to hurt. they had lives that maybe werenāt long but they were full. maybe if i can love hodor enough it will feel like playing soccer with my uncle again.