egg slut

a pop up just randomly came up but I couldn’t see it and it just yelled ARE YOU A GIRL OR A BOY I was so scared

I read American Girl books as a child, so whenever I hear “raise the roof” I think of a barn-raising party where a  bunch of people build a barn and then have a disco

my friend texted me “my mom got me one of those egg-shaped lip balms for easter but it just feels like i’m rubbing a fruity lube-y dick on my lips”

there are two girls at my school who have gay sex because they don’t want to have sex with their boyfriends because that’s against the bible

I can’t believe YOLO was 2012. Yolo was two years ago.

sometimes i remember that the CIA sent a woman to kill castro and instead she changed her mind and slept with him instead. imagine the CIA to fund your trip to cuba so you could fuck castro. legend.

vibe check! (bursts into tears)

The Oliviabot has been sent from the future to warn us of a terrible calamity, but we’ll never understand her message because she can only communicate one word at a time.

america

*goes up to a lesbian couple* so which of u is the cheetah (built for speed in open areas) and which of u is the jaguar (built for strength and stealth in wooded foresty areas)

there is literally no logical, emotional, aesthetic, philosophical, moral, or sexy reason for the sun to be gone at 4.30 pm 

Vampires can come out earlier

One sexy reason