Make Me Fat

More of this growing belly.

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nothing better than hanging out and getting belly rubs

Stage 0: Start point.

This is the start point. Your lowest weight or “fightin’ weight”. Almost no one is consistently at this point and if they are it won’t be for very long. Also, note that Stage 0 can change at any point. Example: Your stage 0 could be 140 pounds when you were sixteen, but now that you are in your mid twenties, your new Stage 0 could be 155 pounds. Still confused? Don’t worry I’ll explain further on.

Stage 1: The first 10 lbs…

Everyone, gainers and non-gainers, go through this stage shown in the next 2 pics below at least once in their lives. It is also the most important stage because it is technically a safe zone where you are not defined as “fat” but you very well could be in the near future. Let me explain, one of two things is going to happen. The first is one day you are going to take your shirt off and realize you have lost some muscle tone. Parts of your body are softer than they once were; you might even have a little belly depending on your size. You realize that you haven’t been eating well recently and it is very probable that you have put on weight, therefore it is time to kick bad habits, hit the gym, and get in shape. Either this happens or the alternative happens. You gain ten pounds, don’t really notice it and continue on to the next stage.

Stage 2: The 15/20 lb mark… the “Freshman 15”.

This is a stage that is common amongst most people, but not everyone. Most people that do hit this stage do it in college, hence the “Freshman 15”. At this point it will be apparent that you have gained a little weight. Granted it’s not a lot in retrospect, but it is enough to make your jeans a little tighter, or to have a little belly, or to appear fuller in the face. Exceeding this stage takes an interesting personality because it means you are in extreme denial (which you may very well be) or you simply don’t care. There is also the possibility that you have achieved a new Stage 0. Maybe you’ve kept that “Freshman 15” for four years now. You never were able to shake it off, so you now accept that it’s going to be there forever and you’re not going to have the same body you had in high school. Or maybe you’ve had that paunch for a while now to a point where you don’t even recognize it as being anything but the norm. If you haven’t hit the gym at this point, you could easily achieve Stage 3.

Stage 3: The first 30 lbs…

This is a corner stone in the gainer world. Depending on your size it is usually the line you cross to becoming overweight, by definition “fat”. If you have gained thirty pounds you will not be able to hide it. Baggy clothes and sucking in your gut are not going to hide the fact that you have let yourself go a bit in the past few months. Even the people in the deepest denial with have to face the truth when they can’t button up their pants. This point is when some people start to feel bad about themselves and attempt to lose the weight. Others, however, go to the store, buy new clothes, and just become the butt of everyone’s jokes. Assuming you haven’t broken old habits at this point you are well on your way to stage 4.

Stage 4: 50-100

This is the most broad stage because people who fall into this category are the “fat guy” personalities. People who eat because it gives them joy. The result from your love of donuts is a prominent belly (if you’ve gained fifty pounds or more it is biologically impossible to not have one), love handles (I’ve haven’t gained more than ten pounds in my life and I still have ‘em), chunky legs (not my thing “butt” whatever), and maybe even features like the double chin or man boobs! If you are at this stage you are definitely overweight or maybe even obese. Your Stage 0 has also probably changed to ten or fifteen pounds heavier than it was before, so if you do try to lose weight you’ll be satisfied at your new Stage 0.

Stage 5: 100+

Congratulations! You are a minority! Most people stop when they’ve gained over a hundred pounds (unless you are a gainer of course). It takes a very strong level of denial coupled with a love for Italian food in order to get to this stage. Your Stage 0 could be all over the map at this point because dropping that weight is not going to be an easy task.

Blowing Up Your Fatboy: Gainer Shake Basics

So I know you have your opinions about gainer shakes: what’s best, what’s healthy, what’s stupid, what’s toxic… And yet for all that supposed information, there’s probably at least as much confusion. From decades of bodybuilding and fattening guys, here’s what I’ve discovered about gainer shakes and using them to put over 150 pounds on my fatboy since we got together a few years ago. (And all that blubber looks amazing on his 5'6" frame.)

Guys who’ve followed what I’ve outlined here (both quantity and frequency) have gained 15-20 pounds in a month. In one case, 10lbs in a week for several weeks when combined with an already high-calorie diet.

4 Pillars of a Gainer Shake Whatever the recipe and no matter the goal, all gainer shakes are built from four main components:

a calorie source (heavy cream, peanut butter, etc.)

an insulin trigger (maltodextrin, dextrose, glucose, table sugar, etc.)

a flavor component (cocoa, Quik, fruit, juice, ice cream, etc.)

a texturizer (ice, xanthan gum, milk, soluble fiber, lecithin, egg yolk, etc.)

If your gainer shake tastes terrible, doesn’t give the desired results, or gives your fatboy diarrhea, it’s because you don’t have the right balance of the four components above.

All-Purpose Gainer Mix Use this unflavored mixture to pour over cereal or fresh fruit. You can also use it to revive stale cake, stale hard cookies, stale hard bread, stale cooked rice. Just pour it over the day-old food and put it in the microwave for about 30-60 sec.

A pint (=2 cups, =16 fl oz, =500ml)  of “heavy whipping cream” (=“whipping cream” in the UK, =about 30-40% milk fat).

Half cup (=4 fl oz, =120ml) of maltodextrin (available cheaply online)

This mixes easily with a spoon and has a sweet, creamy texture.

Gainer Shake Variation To the recipe above, add

0-1 cups (0-250ml) of milk to thin the mixture to a desired consistency.

Add flavorings such as

Nestle’s Quik, or

fruit, or

ice cream

Blend well.

If you can’t tolerate dairy, use non-dairy creamer and half as much maltodextrin (or else it’ll be insufferably sweet). If that doesn’t please, see the Pudding recipe below.

Pudding or Dip Variation Feed this pudding variation to your growing fatboy as is, or have him use it as a dip for cookies, apple slices, bananas, or a bland cracker.

A cup (=8 fl oz, =250ml)  of “natural” peanut butter (just peanuts and salt). You can use bad commercial peanut butter, but it’ll be hard to incorporate the maltodextrin, and it won’t taste as good. To make any peanut butter more pliable, microwave it for 15-30 sec.

Half cup (=4 fl oz, =120ml) maltodextrin (available cheaply online)

You can substitute any nut butter you wish for peanut butter. Peanut butter is the most common of nut butters, but almond butter or especially macadamia nut butter are even more fattening. All you need to make a nut butter is some nuts, some salt, and a grinder.

Frequency & Variety Gaining is much more about consistency than about quantity. Blowing up your fatboy necessitates at least one serving of any of these every day. Now think that through: He’s gonna eat one of these at least 30, maybe even 60 times in a month, so you need to keep the flavor and textures varied. Even if he tells you he loves one particular recipe and wants it every day, strongly urge him once in a while to try another flavor, texture or variant. He’ll say he doesn’t like it as well, but that’s perfect. He can go back to his favorite the next time with renewed enthusiasm. The alternative is that he eats his favorite every day until he’s sick to death of it, and then you can’t feed him anything like it for at least a month.

A Word About Maltodextrin Maltodextrin is a common additive in packaged foods around the world. It’s not expensive; it’s not exotic. Maltodextrin is the most efficient substance to trigger an insulin spike in your fatboy. Now whenever you say “insulin” to a gainer, he hears “diabetes.” (You can look forward to my writing a future blog entry on diabetes and gaining). Your fatboy is not crazy for making that association, but it might help to know that bodybuilders also use maltodextrin to help them build muscle. Maltodextrin used to be very popular in bodybuilding circles when high-carb diets were in vogue because the substance enters the blood stream twice as fast as ordinary sugar. This makes it the most effective way to shunt calories into the fat cells. (In bodybuilding, it was used by “hard gainers” as a post-workout drink combined with high amounts of protein.)

Maltodextrin spikes Insulin, which unlocks muscle or fat cells to allow nutrients to enter. Whether the insulin unlocks muscle or fat cells is a long explanation and not fully understood in nutritional science. (Also there is no evidence that a particular diet–much less a particular nutrient–will give someone diabetes). However, the bottom line for fattening your guy is that you want something to push all those calories into his fat cells like a tsunami, not like a trickle.

Maltodextrin is available online quite cheaply in almost every country. A inexpensive source I’ve found is My Spice Sage. If you’re considering dextrose, which is more easily available in health food stores that cater to bodybuilders, keep in mind that the osmotic pressure of maltodextrin is less than that of dextrose, which means less bloat and discomfort.

Butter & Oils Cooking oils taste horrible and will run through your gainer’s digestive tract like a freight train (if he doesn’t just vomit). Yes, you can use only small amounts, which sort of defeats the point, or you have to have at least twice as much fiber and starch to prevent the diarrhea. Butter isn’t too bad, but it won’t emulsify well (you’ll get little granules of fat), and why not just use cream. The fat in cream is butter.

Now, a far better use of butter or olive oil would be as a roux with rice (Creole style) or as a sauce with sautéed garlic over pasta (northern Italian style).

Weight Gain Powder Weight gain powders are expensive and inefficient. I know they say “weight gain” on the label, but they don’t mean “fat gain.” I don’t even recommend 90% of the ones on the market to bodybuilders. They’re usually mostly sugar (dextrose) and some cheap or low-quality protein such as casein, soy, or a hydrolized mystery protein. For that, you’ll pay more than you would for the same calories in regular food. Weight gainers do boast a lot of calories but check out the serving size. Usually you have to drink a cement mixer full of the stuff. Sure, weight-gain powder and gainers seem to go together like truckers and beer. But using weight-gainers as a calorie source is like using beer in your truck as a fuel source. In my opinion, weight gain powders have no uses for gainers, and I only recommend a select few for encouragers trying to put on muscle mass for bodybuilding.

Cake Shakes Well, here you’re on your own. If you’re drinking a shake for calories, a shake made with cake mix is a poor choice. Yes, it’s got loads of calories, but again we must consider the volume. A cup of heavy cream has 800 calories. A cup of peanut butter has 1600 calories. A cup of cake shake has probably 400 calories.