â i tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and i broke everything. â
â i typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems. â
â thereâs only one thing i hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water thatâs lying about being milk. â
â donât be such a baby. i cooked you some bacon for a trail snack. â
â i really only listen to german death reggae and halloween sound effects records from the 1950s. â
â whenever she asks me for the latin names of any of our plants, i just give her the names of rappers. â
â i once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. â
â i didnât actually sell my last car, i just forgot where i parked it. â
â i donât know who al gore is and at this point iâm too afraid to ask. â
â when they say 2% milk, i donât know what they other 98% is. â
â iâve only slept nine hours over the past four days so iâm right on the verge of a nervous breakdown. â
â upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me. â
â since i am not a rabbit, no, i do not want a salad. â
â youâre like an angel with no wings. â
â oh my god you have to stop using the word ânipple.â â
â youâre right, i know. i have to be a grown up⌠but itâs so hard! â
â i was reading an encyclopedia and i tripped or âfell overâ and hit my head. or âbrain helmet.â â
â oh my god, your boobs are dead. â
â i have a medical condition, alright! itâs called caring too much and itâs incurable! â
â he put all my records into this rectangle! the songs just play one right after the other! this is an excellent rectangle! â
â if i keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, i will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair. â
â guys love it when you can show them youâre better than they are at something they love. â
â jogging is the worst. i mean, i know it keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost? â
â i have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life. â
â i know this and i love you. â
â thatâs too much responsibility. i gotta find a way out of this. â
â you are a wonderful person. your friendship means a lot to me and you look very beautiful. â
â i was kind of getting sick of listening to them talk about their relationship, but then i remembered that alcohol existed. â
â i got stung once and iâm immune. go ahead and sting me, bees! it does nothing! â
â iâm not afraid of cops! i have no reason to be. i never break any laws, ever⌠because iâm deathly afraid of cops. â
â iâm fine. itâs just that life is pointless and nothing matters and iâm always tired. â
â there will be alcohol there, so i will go as well. â
â i canât go because i donât want to. â
â iâm just gonna stay angry, i find that relaxes me! â
â i donât want to seem overdramatic, but i donât really care what happens here. â
â iâm just gonna leave early and go home. â
â if any of you need anything at all, too bad. â
â you have never been neutral on anything in your life. you have an opinion on pockets. â
â dance up on me! â
â i have an idea, itâs very uncool. itâs not illegal, technically. but it is a dick move. â
â one time my refrigerator stopped working. i didnât know what to do. i just moved. â
â youâre stupid and youâre drunk and youâre stupid. â
â you donât even know one thing. i didnât even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and i didnât even do it once. â
â iâm like an elephant, okay? if i walk into a room, itâs like, âoh heâs in there.â â
â bababooey. â
â mac and cheese pizza?! youâre making that?! â
â i was dying earlier today. and then i died. now iâm dead. â
â the only thing i will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother! â
â i donât want to be overdramatic, but today felt like 100 years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life. â
â i have been kind of tense lately. just thinking about the new star wars sequel. â
â it does look sad. kind of. sorry for stepping on you, floor. â
â if you rearrange the letters of peru, you can spell europe. â
â youâre as guilty as you are sexy. â
â this maze is like a maze. â
â sometimes when i blow my nose, i get a boner. i donât know why. it just happens. â
â so i feel like you were mad at me yesterday and i donât know why so i made a list of everything i did and iâm gonna try not to do any of them again. â
â no, iâm not crying, okay? iâm allergic to jerks! â
â i donât even have time to tell you how wrong you are⌠actually, itâs going to bug me if i donât. â
â with all due respect, youâre a major dick. â
â the calzones⌠betrayed me? â
â who hasnât had gay thoughts? â
â do you think a depressed person could make this? no! â
â i like your energy. what do you say you and i ride go-karts later? â
â three words: treat. yo. self. â
â treat yo self. itâs the best day of the year! â
â iâll tell you what. hereâs the deal. if you get fired, iâll quit, and weâll leave together. iâm serious! move to a new city, change our names⌠burn our fingertips off with acid⌠swap faces⌠if we have to. â
â monsters donât have souls? uh, have you seen monsters inc? â
â i make my money the old fashioned way: i got run over by a lexus. â
â i took this thing called âzapvigilâ which apparently is what israeli fighter pilots use to stay awake so⌠right now it looks like iâm talking to a giant crab. stay away from me crab! â
â well, you suck at being polite, sir. â
â at one point, for no reason, i just took off my shoes and held them in my hand. â
â three, two, one, and my shiftâs over⌠what the fuck is your problem?! â
â math is worthless in real life. i mean, thereâs an app for calculating tips. thatâs all you need. â
â your house isnât haunted, youâre lonely. â
â just because i canât go out with him, someone else can? wow. â
â oh, this is bad. i should not have done this. â
â sheâs the worst person iâve ever met. i want to travel the world with her. â
â no, no, no, no. iâm not lonely. i have me. â
â i love watching russian traffic accidents on youtube while i play childrenâs music at the wrong rpm. â
â god, i am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that. â
â you beautiful, rule-breaking moth. â
â you beautiful, naive, sophisticated newborn baby. â
â you beautiful tropical fish. â
â hope no one minds if i livetweet this bitch! â
â i just want to hear the doctor say that he had a fart attack. is that too much to ask? â
â the only things i like are dogs and sleeping late. â
â it kind of sucks that iâm super broke and i want to buy you stuff and itâs embarrassing that i canât. â
â i donât want anything. i just want to hang out with you. â
â youâve killed my spirit. my spiritâs blood is on your hands. â
â i hate people. â
â you can see the stars, which i hate. theyâre creepy. â
â i will kill you slowly with a giant syringe. â
â what? i love garbage. â
â i only tell the truth when it makes me sound like iâm lying. â
â i want to be burned at the stake. â
â iâm going to murder you a thousand times. â
â people who buy things are suckers. â
â this is 100% certified for realskis. â
â well, if thereâs anyone who can bring my parents together, itâs no one. no one can ever bring them together. â
â getting married is the bravest, most wonderful thing you can do because every day you come home and youâre just like, âwhat? itâs you! i love you! youâre my sexy roommate. we love each other.â â
â i am 100% certain that i am 0% sure of what iâm going to do. â
â my anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours. â
â maybe we should find the person who stole your positive attitude. â
â scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. i believe i am that human being. â
â messy is fun, okay? my whole life is a giant mess and i love it. â
â friendship is better because friends help you move. they drive you to the airport. boyfriends just⌠love you and marry you. â
â Â i hope you brought a change of clothes cause your eyes are about to piss tears. Â â
â everything hurts and iâm dying. â
â i need you to text me every 30 seconds saying everythingâs gonna be okay. â
â let me just say, from the bottom of my heart: my bad. â
â there are no consequences to my actions anymore. iâm like a white, male u.s. senator. â
â hey, are you busy? and writing star trek fan fiction does not count. â
â what do weâŚ? like, what do we do? like, what do we do? um, how- how do we- howâŚ? how⌠how⌠how? what do we do?! â
â oh, also, i have a little secret⌠iâm drunk. â
â i do say the cutest stuff. â
â i donât want to cause a panic⌠news flash: weâre screwed! â
â velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. iâm a cashmere-velvet candy cane. â
â you shut your mouth! you have all the strengths! â
â never half-ass two things. whole-ass one thing. â
â iâm a simple man. i like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. â
â i guess i kind of hate most things, but i never really seem to hate you. â
â time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge. letâs go! â
â i have no idea what iâm doing, but i know iâm doing it really, really well. â
â ovaries before brovaries. â
â sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot. â
â i have never taken the high road, but i tell people to âcause then thereâs more room for me on the low road. â
â just remember, every time you look up at the moon, i, too, will be looking at a moon. not the same moon, obviously. thatâs impossible. â
â iâm just gonna go live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross. â
â i love games that turn people against each other. â
â i donât care about that prize, but iâm gonna win because i want his happiness to go away. â
â that is the coolest sentence i have ever heard somebody talk. â
â i wanted to make fun of stupid people while i get drunk. my two true passions. â
â i am big enough to admit that i am often inspired by myself. â
â if i could go back in time and cut your eyeballs out, i would. â