I READ INTO THINGS

Plot twist.

People who I thought were my friends were watching me from the sidelines like background characters. People who I thought were my friends were fading into the pale of the four walls.

Inertia is bad but making decisions is difficult when you're depressed. Throw a dice, lean into your destiny. In a sense, you already know your modus operandi but is that the best way forward? It brought you to this point and now you're under so much pressure like your head is in a vice. If all the options are bad then no decision should be made... but take comfort in knowing that there’s no such thing as free will.

I’m at a danger of falling through that gap between external perception and internal reality.

Everything has been too much and too loud and so I decided that I will spend the day in bed with the curtains drawn. I’ve piled my pillows high and drew the blanket over my head. Today, I’ll say “yes and thank you” to depression.

On Monday, when people’ll ask me “how was your weekend” I will say “very chilled out, thanks.”

Is this me giving myself a break or is this me giving up? All I know is that I am tired in ways that I can’t sleep off and I’ve been barely eating all week.

I attended a webinar by a life coach and she said that you have to take active responsibility for your life and mental health and manage each area as if you were pulling levers; checking in with yourself, understanding your own needs, then actively fulfilling the right need. If your most urgent need is to exercise to manage stress, if you spend that time with your family instead you will be stuck in your own head, not being present, and not making memories and you’ll be irritable with your spouse. That’s just an example but you know what I mean.

That makes sense to me - although I’ve felt more like a spectator in my life than an active participant. Like I checked out somewhere a while back and I need to refocus to live with intention. Or is that bs?

An endless stream of present tense - some hazy punctuation of significant life events and no clear path in time to follow (the illusion of free will does creep in). All the time that is within grasp ends right now.