So there's an idea in the self defense courses I take that has to do with making sure to get as close to the actual situation emotionally as possible when you're practicing, because if all you practice are the movements, you're not engaging the part of your brain that is going to try to take over when you're having a genuine stress response. (I want to say the amygdala but like. Don't quote me on that, for all I know that's a Star Wars character).
When your stress response takes over, it is VERY difficult to control what you do, which is why you have to build muscle memory while IN the stress response. When my dad and I practice our self defense moves, we spit insults at each other, shove each other, make faces or advance threateningly. And yeah, sometimes it just makes us laugh, but it genuinely does trigger some of that real stress response as well, which lets us build up muscle memory for what we'd need to do in an actual altercation.
Fawning--or people pleasing--is a stress response. It's your literal "can't control this but it's what happens in certain situations, lizard-brain just wants to survive" automatic reaction to antagonistic forces. (It's obviously one that's more aimed at authority figures--I doubt anyone has ever tried to people please a lion that was trying to eat them?) So if you want it to NOT be your automatic response, the best thing to do is become aware of it and PRACTICE not doing it in lower-stakes situations.
It's definitely my go-to, and I hate it. When I was younger and didn't know the word for the stress response I thought "Why the hell am I such a suck-up????" I HATED that my automatic reaction to the police officer who pulled me over for speeding (which, fair, I was, though I didn't realize it--eh long story for another day) was to apologize and thank him for giving me a ticket. Like wtf, who does that?? Well, fawners, apparently.
But now more than ever, we live in a time where fawning authority is a very destructive response. And I know that my tendency to do so is one I need to overcome. So I practice. It's a little bit harder (going up to police officers and practicing being abrasive to them doesn't work well) but I run scenarios in my head. When I see police officers and my instant fawn response starts up in my head, I catch it and throttle it and redirect it. I remind myself how much more important it is to me to be able to stand up to these people, and to stand between them and people more vulnerable than I. And that little simpering fawn response that was trying to rear its head inside me backs off.
It's a process, of course, but once you're aware that it's your response to stress, you can start addressing it. (You can do that for any of the stress responses, actually, but I don't want to get off topic here).
So yeah if you, like me, are a 'fawn at authority' stress-responder, know this:
1) It's NOT your fault (literally a survival mechanism)
2) You are not doomed to never be able to overcome it, either, and in fact I would say once identified, it's your responsibility to decide to retrain it for certain situations, for your own sake if nothing else.
Okay that was more than I intended to reveal about myself in a tumblr post today but hopefully it might help someone else out there with the fawn response who wants to overcome it. Uh...good day. Signing off. End post.
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